Hi everyone! Oh dear, captain verbose here has killed another thread. Latest news... my WAS xBFhas just emailed me ! Its a short one, "how did it go?" - asking about the viewing last night, but he sent it at 9.30 am !! So thats a first.
And to think I had woken up early and cried alot this morning before I got that ! So, yet again... swing from thinking, how can it be so suddenly over and he not miss me, to ...why is he emailing me so much now (daily!) is that just friendship, or does he miss me !??? We sent 3 each yesterday and I have a feeling today will be a bit chatty too. I cant complain (again!) I know, its better than no contact, but this matey distanced causal chatty wall he is putting up to me is DRIVING ME MAD ! :-)
Getting to the end of my rope..feel like I might burst if I dont say something R related to him soon..I havent since 22 December !! I'm thikning of tentatively saying something on the phone if we ever get to speak about this remortgage issue. We still havent remortgaged our joint house, I hope he does still want to, after saying he had decided to sell his Dads house last night. I think thats a good idea for him though, as he doesnt want the stress anymore and the plan was always to do it up and sell, not rent it longtime, we only did that as we couldnt sell it ! Its an 18th cottage, its nice, but you cant swing a cat in the bedrooms :-)
So...better email him back I guess. God, if he keeps harrassing me in this manner, I may have to take out a restraining order ;-)
Ali
___________________
Me: 36
H: 34
LT: 9 years
ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07
Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
now friends?Any regrets?3 months onmy sitch 2my sitch 1
Ali,
I think you need to change your screen name from "AliSuddenlyAlone" to "Ali is doing so well and is so popular she locks up threads in mere days" or something.
Anyway, I'm glad to hear about the BF's communication, but you mentioned earlier you could wait until summer w/ your DBing, so I would suggest holding off on initiating any R talk for a good while yet. The 1st day of Spring is still a month away, so summer is still well off in the distance.
Do your best to keep working on you and resist brining up the R talk right now. It seems like he's coming to you and you don't want to scare him back into hiding. Let him come. The more you pull away and focus on Ali, the more he'll want to chase and pursue.
You are doing great! Smile and do something nice for Ali today.
RTL
Thanks RTL! I just had my best mate on the phone..she has two babies and hsa gone to her Mums and is considering being a WAS !! She has grounds to, as her bloke is an *rsehole, but then, reading this website, I can see it from his point of view. I told her to not just run, but be honest and get him to MC.
Anyway..more emails from my BF, but no hiyas and no "me" at the end, so he really is JUST being matey now. THats disappointing. We are up to three from him today already (and its not even lunchtime!) so far all about houses and tenants and wot not. So I have just chanced back a "how are you? How was squash last night? I hope it was more challenging than a game of bat and ball with a pair of 4 year olds" - as the lads he plays are useless.
So, chanced a how are you, but put it in a jokey way !!??? Eek. Wait and see, wait and see, Patience, is my middle name (well, it isnt really, but may as well be).
ok, having a difficult day. Now up to 4 emails from him today. Still full of questions (about tenants, money, just practical stuff). He hasnt asked me if I am ok or what I've been doing though and no "me" at the end. I asked how he was and how was his game of squash - and he answered about the squash, thats all.
I am debating whether to email back again and what to say. I know you are all so encouraging about this increased contact, but it seems to have moved to a different qulaity, he just sounds so ...over me. Do yuo know what I mean? Before, he found it hard to talk to me becuase he was guilty and sad and felt awkward. I have been pretending I am fine, I have been chatty and jokey and not said anythnig personal for a while, so as far as he can see I am over him ? He dosent even bother with the "hope your ok" anymore.
He made some remark about someone being better at squash in a few weeks time and I thought, that says it all really. I wait for signs, day by day that he may want to have an R talk, or meet, or consider trying again in some capacity...and he just sees his future stretching out in front of him as a single man. He has shown me not a shred of doubt or emotion about losing me since he left. Yes he hugged me for a long time and looked sad when he left last time (over a week ago), but he just sounds so... jolly in his emails (maybe I do too?). How else can you interpret that, but at face value??
I wish I knew how normal this was, maybe I should hop over to piecing and ask if they went through a wierd phase like this!??
I'm so nearly at the end of my rope. Its all so agonising.
Maybe he's DB'ing as well and putting on a front to look happy when he's really just as confused inside his head? No one knows for sure. I say just go with the flow for now.
It doesn't sound like a bad idea to ask those in piecing how things went down for them. I just read up on Tipper's thread and it sounded like he wasn't making any contact and then came bounding back full force. There is always hope my friend. I, like you, feel like I am in the friendship mold for my H.. I am choosing to think he needs to start from scratch with his reconnecting before attempting to reconcile. I think the same for you!
Big hugs for you!!!
W2G
((((((Ali))))))
I don't have time to yell at you properly right now, but.....
I'll be back!
I'm surprised noone has hit me with a 2x4, but I am getting increasingly agitated here...we have exchanged 5 emails each today (five!) he has written nearly straight back to me at times, but its all so....something of nothing, just, blah blah blah. He hasnt even asked me how I am, what I am doing, what I have been up to, nothing, nada! Good point Dar! he could be DBing me! And thanks W2Go, I suppose every sitch is so unique. I almost think in my sitch, all this matey contact is a BAD sign. He just sounds so over me ! Maybe he just misses his best mate like I do. If he doesnt wake up soon though, I just dont see that he ever will.
I'm interested to speak to his best friends wife, she texted to say she would call me this evening. He was home at the weekend and may have seen them (I'm not sure if he did) and he may have said something of how hes feeling, but his best friend is very secretive guy and doesnt even tell his W what they talk about! So she wouldnt necessarily know, but she may have picked up on his demeanour at least (hammered - drunk!). So I hope she does call afterall and I can see if I can glean something ! Might be bad though :-(
His latest email said he was thinking of joining a squash club, but that would be in another town, that he thinks I shuld hold oit for another offer, that he has to make a decision about his dads house ASAP and that he had actually managed 2 booze free nights this week, so he might have a load of wine tonight ! Hmm.
He is british though, so for all you americans, its sort of a cultural thing to drink alchohol, as in its not THAT bad, but, I do agree that drinking a whole bottle of wine on a work night is not good and before my BF left me, he would've agreed its bad.
(((((Ali)))))
OK, you want a 2x4?
What do you want from this guy? You've had FIVE emails back and forth, before tea! I look at it this way, he is getting to know you again, and giving you a chance to get to know him! You are coming at this from two different directions, so your expectations, and your view of what's going on are totally different.
You want him to come back. You never wanted him to leave. Your feelings about him have never wavered. So, from your point of view, it is really simple. All he has to do is say, "oops, I made a mistake, I'll be back before breakfast!" But HIS feelings did waver. So, he has to resolve that within himself. He is going to question himself. He is going to try to understand why he left. He can't come back without knowing that it's ok. On top of that, he probably is really uncomfortable with how he expects you to feel. So he is trying to figure it out, without putting himself at risk.
Let me put this to you again, a man who is "over" you would not email you five times in a day. About anything. I truly think he is feeling his way. But, you can't rush him, he is scared to death! He knows his leaving hurt you, he is afraid you can't forgive him. And nothing you can say to him right now will change that. He has to see it, and feel it. And that can only happen with time!
You are a smart woman, Ali, I think if you will stop hanging on every word, and thing rather about the big picture you'll see that this is far from over!
Ali,
I second every word in Jeff's reply!! If I could write better, you would get another 2X4 (can anybody explain why this is named 2x4?) and you probably know how we Greeks shout at each other...
Kalni
PS Jeff, did I hear of a party? I am hurt...
Thankyou Jeff...thanks for taking the trouble to put it so eloquently to me. I guess I really embraced this DBing thing, I think I've managed it pretty well, so far, I try and think of what would be good for him in my emails to him, I make a big effort to make him laugh, I try and remember whar he may be going through, but...I guess its just getting agonising. I know I need to have more patience, but I worry that I am deluding myself. Its 4 months tommorow since he ended it.
He actually emailed me 6 times today ! I thought I would post the last one here, so you can see if you still see it the same way (I guess so, I do understand what you're saying!). His email upset me because he has booked a holiday. This is the kind of stuff that makes me think he is done with me, without a backward glance. Hes referring to a friend he fell out with on the weekend...
"yeah - was adamant I was going to sell the house (I figured they'd be leaving) but now i'm not sure. Good time of the year to get it on I guess, despite the market being a bit ropey.
You're right about the squash, may give them a ring later. Got a game of football next Tuesday through someone at work so that might lead to something more regular. Going skiing with my brother in a few weeks too, so better make sure my insurance covers me - I'm bound to need it! Got his stag do next weekend in Birmingham, which I really can't be ar*ed with, especially as XXX hasn't sent any more details out at all (he's probably ignoring me!)."
and thats it. I replied saying it was brilliant about the squash club and football and some jokey references to James Bond skiing and his brother. Next weekend is my birthday though. Either he has forgotton, or he doesnt feel it necessary to be sensitive about telling me hes going away on a stag weekend. One of my goals was he would remember my birthday. But we are having increased contact, so thats a goal achieved!!
Its so confusing. 6 emails. Which is good. But they could have been written to anyone, which is bad. If it is so good that he is contacting me so much, am I not helping matters by putting up a wall of non-emotion back, of being blase and jokey? I guess the answer is just keep being like that, no pushing or pressure...but I wondered if theres anything I could do to break out of this deadlock. I think I am going to break myself out of it by next week as I am upset that he is away. Thats the anniversary, valentine and my birthday all ignored. From where I am sitting, its not looking remotely hopeful. I am still surprised that you all think there is hope. So maybe I am going crazy !!?? :-)
PS: And thanks Kalni !! Yes, why a 2x4 !!??
Ali x
Jeff is absolutely right, take a deep breath and step back.
It's a 2X4 because that's the approximate size of the end of the lumber (length is a separate issue). In reality, the piece of wood they keep threatening to hit you with is really about 1 1/2 X 3 1/2 inches.
Ali,
I second every word in Jeff's reply!! If I could write better, you would get another 2X4 (can anybody explain why this is named 2x4?) and you probably know how we Greeks shout at each other...
Kalni
PS Jeff, did I hear of a party? I am hurt...
Kalni! Drop by the party anytime! I am very sorry I overlooked you! You probably are not as desperate for sunshine as some of the ladies that are coming, but everyone is welcome! But you should bring food or drink!
Wow, thanks MichelleLT,
Now I only need to find what lumber is, but that must be in my dictionary.
Thanks
PS Sorry Ali for asking on your thread
Jeff,
And I thought I wasn't invited because you are not into Greek food...
Kalni
Sorry Ali, again, I had to reply to Jeff
(((((Ali)))))
I see the email as a lot more personal than you do! I think you may be forgetting he's a guy! He is talking about plans more than 15 minutes out! That is personal stuff! He's letting you know his feelings about the house, that's big. He validated your opinion about the squash. He made a joke about insurance, and told you what he's up to! He has pretty much told you everything he is doing!
There may come a good time to try to nudge things a bit, but I don't think that time has come yet. I understand you wanting to get unstuck, I really do, having been stuck for years. Keep doing what you are doing. Soon we might start to talk about a cunning plan to push things along.
Michelle nailed (ha!) the 2x4. It is the standard piece of lumber used in most house construction here. Usually they are eight feet long, though they can be much longer. It would hurt to get whacked by one!
Jeff,
And I thought I wasn't invited because you are not into Greek food...
Kalni
Sorry Ali, again, I had to reply to Jeff
I like greek food! Bring lots!
Lumber is wood after it's cut down, and prepared to use to build stuff.
Lol. Lumber is another word for a piece of wood or timber. In other words, a tree that's been cut to some specific shape or size.
As for Greek food, I don't care what Jeff says, I like it so bring some for me!
Ali, you guys went from being friends to dating to living together once. You have a shot to do it again and make an even better relationship. Try and be patient, I know it's hard.
Oh ok, really Jeff?
I get your point, but..he was always more...emotional. Hes an emotional guy ! I did pick up on that over the past few weeks he has kept me very informed of his movements and plans (I dont tell him!). Hmm, you've got me thinking now...For instance, he twice texted me on Sunday to say he'd be back Monday night (I hadnt asked) and Tuesday he told me in a late email that he'd be in the office tommorow, so maybe inviting me to reply. And when I emailed him Tuesday his response was he was meaning to email me all afternoon, which I was very surprised at.
I am seriously thinking I am going crazy. You all think its positive, my sister thinks its positive, my best friend thinks he is just lonely and missing his best mate, but doesnt want me back. I think he no longer seems like the man I knew, I see no love in his emails and not when I see him in person (which has only been a few times). He seems to have "gone". But yes, he is on the otherhand keeping me "in the loop". HEAD EXPLODING !!!!
Anytime Kalni...sounds a bit painful to be whacked with a 2x4, I'd rather a cushion, or a sock or something (socks again Jeff!). Think I need to go make myself a nice cuppa english rosie lee (TEA!) :-)
Mmm...stuffed tomatoes! Stuffed chillis !!! Zucchini Croquettes !! (can you make these Kalni?)
So, you want me to pull out the soft cushions, and the comfy chair?
Ali, he is still hiding his emotional side. He is still protecting himself. Patience! And hit your best friend with a 2x4 next time she talks negative!
He's probably got a lot of walls up. But he is feeling things out. So maybe the next step is to get together in person. So maybe you need to mention one of your GAL activities next time he mentions a time he'll be in town or such and see what he responds with. Meaning, throw out something that he could join you for, but not an explicit question that puts him on the spot, and see how he reacts. It's an experiment, no matter his reaction, all you want is data. No expectations.
I also regularly feel like my head might explode. But it sounds painful. Maybe even more painful than a 2X4.
Pillow fight anyone???
Oh, and can you make me a cuppa too? English breakfast is one of my favorites.
Hey Michelle..well, I too was thinking of writing him a letter, but this would be very direct, like hitting him with a 2x4 ! And I dont think its quite the same as your sitch. I just feel like we are in a wierd no-mans land.
I realise this past few days, I am not GALing at all really. I went to a friends house for lunch today though - the W of my best friend here (who is on the Berlin trip). She asked me round to help me out...then spent the whole time crying and talking about her M and admitted they had a big row recently and that he had hit her. I was shocked, and upset, for her and also for me, as he is my best mate and now I feel really wierd about him and not happy about it. She took the kids and fled the house...so he called the Police and reported her for abduction!! Just terrible. This morning my other best friend from home called (not the one that says my BF is just lonely !) and she is thinking of being a WAS as her H threatens to hit her all the time - and I've known her 10 years and she only just told me this and noone else and its been happening for ages. So thats two in one day. I am shocked and freaked out and thats why my posts are so grrrr today.
And my BF was lovely, he would never dream of behaving like that, he never got angry at me, we rarely argued, he was kind and loving. I really feel like such a fool for taking him for granted and not listening to his needs and assuming he would always be there...hence the need to write him a letter to apologise to him?
Does anyone think it would be a good idea for me to do this?
Ali
Hi Ali,
No I don't think that is a good idea right now. You are well beyond that point I think. But it is just me. What is your gut feeling telling you? Good, now take the opposite option (remember, you told me how unnatural it feels for us and I certainly agree with you).
I think you are exactly where I was 1,5-2 weeks ago. Just as when the communication gets steady, you NEED more to confirm that he is actually reaching to you. And you know how well I did (I was terrible, I know), right?
I am sorry your needs are crying out loud for attention and action and he seems to be unable to cover them right now and give you what you want. Ali, you know it takes time. Appreciate the progress you are having and be patient. Go back and read your first posts, see how far you have come. Be grateful and relax a bit.
Kalni
Well said, Kalni! Ali, this is the time when the little hedgehog, or whatever he's being, is sticking it's nose out. Any sudden movement will spook him, and you'll have to wait a while before he comes out again. Patience, again, my favourite (I spelled it in English, so you could read it!) over-analyser! (More English!)
Ditto on Kalni.... I can't write something that well.
I have to do the opposite of what I want right now as well Ali. It's hard and we're all here to support eachother through it.
Oh I've been in tears! I am so pathetic...I get 6 emails in a day and I am MORE upset than usual ! Its so hard. I was just rereading them and although its fairly impossible to tell (as he wasnt being particularly personal), he didnt sound really happy in his emails. And he was planning on staying home and drinking wine tonight.
I had a massive urge to phone him earlier. I havent phoned him since...I cant remember! I think a few days after christmas (he didnt pick up). Wierdly, I wondered if he felt upset at me for not calling him. Ridiculous ! Kalni and Dar and everyone, do yuo not phone your WAS either?? I did send him a text last Saturday, when he told me he felt "low" saying he could call for a chat if he wanted to. And he didnt. That says it all I guess !
I think you are right Kalni...I am so amazed at the progress in your sitch today (i will post in a bit!) and I suppose I was hoping for something similiar in mine. But so far, not a single friend has told me that he has expressed doubts, in fact, none of his friends or family have called me since new year. They have moved on too ! And my bf hasnt said anything either.
You do seem to have a PMA on my behalf Jeff. But I just cant seem to see any hope. Whats wrong with me?
His calling says he doesn't feel safe reaching out to you on that level yet. It does not guarantee the future.
If you really want to get some stuff off your chest in a letter, I say do it. But at this time, it's probably best to make it therapeutic. Meaning, don't send it. Either put it with your journal or shred it or burn it after it is done.
Ali, I get yelled at here for contacting H so much. So I'm the opposite where I need to work at no contact (NC) for a while. You might have contact from BF already BECAUSE you've applied NC for this long now. I'm trying to detach Ali and it's as hard as hell for me to do so. But it's helpful being here so keep talking and venting here. Yes, Jeff does have some wonderful insight doesn't he?
His not calling says he doesn't feel safe reaching out to you on that level yet. It does not guarantee the future.
If you really want to get some stuff off your chest in a letter, I say do it. But at this time, it's probably best to make it therapeutic. Meaning, don't send it. Either put it with your journal or shred it or burn it after it is done.
And pull out your guitar or go for a bike ride. Do something for yourself.
Ali,
Are you responding to his emails?
And I do like your text offering to take his call. But you put it out there. Let it go at that.
IMP
Hi IMP...yes, I did reply, but an hour or two in between on some of them, but as the end of the day approached, we replied pretty quick to one another. I sent him an email Tuesday, initiated by me to say sorry he felt low at the weekend.. he replied saying he had been meaning to email me all day ! Emails continued through then, Wednesday and this morning, he sent the first one, asking how my flat viewing went. So then we exchanged 6 each today. But, he still hasnt phoned me (except a week ago last Sunday to say he would be round in 10 minutes) and I havent phoned him since before January. Um, long answer, sorry !
Ah..yes it was a risk, and he didnt take me up on the offer! So, dont know if I would repeat that.
I was thinking of saying tommorow "your post is building up" and just leave it at that (I dont have his address, he said he would come collect post)..so that way, if he wants to see me this weekend, he has an "excuse" and he can save face, as I have told him about it. (post as in, mail).
I think that is an excellent idea. And if he asks when is good for him, remember that you are planning to go biking at some point and will not be sitting at home all weekend just waiting for him.
There you go! That's a good one Michelle!
Thanks, Ali.
As for your offer, he didn't take you up yet. But in my opinion, the fact that he emails you does mean he values you. What does it mean? I wish I knew because I would be so rich!
But you do seem to be handling things properly.
Just want to put something out here more for discussion.
I was thinking of saying tommorow "your post is building up" and just leave it at that (I dont have his address, he said he would come collect post)..so that way, if he wants to see me this weekend, he has an "excuse" and he can save face, as I have told him about it. (post as in, mail).
To my way of thinking, if his post is building up (and I do enjoy hearing how people from other places say things), it would just seem common courtesy to let someone know. As for saving face and needing an excuse, I tend not to go down those roads. Let his action of emailing be the barometer of where his head is. Let real actions tell you the story. And he does show you real action, i.e. the emails. One of the big things I learned from my travails is to take things as they come.
IMP
Yes, thanks IMP. It is encouraging he emails and came over to see me two weekends in a row (but not last weekend sadly) and I start thinking, maybe I have been TOO DBish, too distant, maybe it is confusing him that I am always so jolly and humorous in my emails and never answer when he says how are you.
So I was wondering, if I do get to see him this weekend (and I did wait for his post to build up, instead of telling him when there is only one or two letters here!) then, maybe I should chance being a bit warmer? I dont know what that would entail, but I think, maybe be a bit braver? If he stands there moaning about his job/boss/family/friends as he did last time.. maybe ask him if he is OK ?? Or offer him a hug !??? Hmm.. MADNESS !!
But I figured somethings got to give. He is away next weekend and then sounds like he will be away the following two if he is going away ski-ing for a week (will be weekend-weekend). So this could be my last chance to do anything for like a month, and I obviously dont see him in the week. Theres no telling if I will see him this weekend. But, he went back home last weekend, so I doubt he will do that again and he is away next weekend, so may stay down here anyway. So if he is around...and I give him the legitimate reason to come over to get his post...then maybe I will get chance to DB in person.
My long and rambling quesion is...at what point (if any) do you relax the strict detached DB stuff and tentively try and reach out just a smidgeon, to monitor results and see how they react??
Or as Jeff says, would this scare the badger back into his hole??
Ali
______________
Me: 36
H: 34
T: 9 years
ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07
Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
There are a lot of people on here way more experienced and successful than me...but IMHO reaching out does not mean you are not detached. Being detached means that not matter how they react, you are okay. Being detached means having no expectations.
He needs time to adjust to this new situation and all this contact. Do not move to fast, you will startle him.
Ali:
Please don't take this the wrong way....but you "think" too much. Just leave things be a bit more....don't constantly try to figure out what's going on in BF's head....it will drive you crazy. You are constantly analyzing everything to death and it will drive you batty. Just be patient....be still....relax a bit and take things one day at a time....or one moment at a time. Don't look down the road....look at getting through the morning....then the afternoon....then a whole day. Try not to dwell so much on your sitch every minute of everyday. It's exhausting!
Hugs!
BA
Ali!! My lovely!!
Absolutely NO letters and NO relationship talks!! Absolutely not! I know I searched for an excuse as to why I could write H a letter and tried to come up with a theory as to why it could be justified in my sitch. But it cant! And it doesnt help! So NO!!!! Dont go there.
Ali this might be a bit conterversial but I say it with love and cause I want you to be happier and more in control.
I dont want your BF to come back..... yet! I dont think you are ready. I dont think you have got "it" yet. Its hard to define "it" but I keep hearing that the way you feel about yourself is determined by what BF does or doesnt do. And I dont think you have gotten to the stage where you can really see that you will be OK if BF never comes back. You could DB your butt off and he still might not come back but you will be OK. (Ali you will be OK I promise!)
The last R talk you had with BF was him saying he does not want to be with you. Until he makes it clear that this has changed, you have to take this as his latest feelings. Your feelings and perspective have changed, but you must wait for his feelings and persepective to change. Patience lovely. Letters and R talks wont help change his persepective.
He will let you know when his feelings change. Dont go thinking he is DB you! Your reduced contact and less clinginess has worked, so dont go doubting yourself.
Please my lovely dont go another weekend wondering if he is going to call or come around! He is the crazy one missing out on you, not the other way around. You are so wonderful (you've got to believe that), and you have such a wonderful life (you've got to work on that) that he is going to have to compete to get some of your attention. He has done a crappy thing by leaving you, please dont be desparate and want him back - that is so unattractive.
Others might advise differently but I'd rather see you step back more, not forwards more. I'd rather you not be home if he wants to come around. I think you should only reply to every second email. More mystery! Make him work for you!
Somewhere on this board there is info written by JamesJohn on "going dark" and "NC". I dont think you should be going dark, but I think it would be good for you to read the 'theory' behind these ideas - how it will give you more control, and then start to put it into practise with your minimal contact. Try and find those resources, they really helped me get my independent attitude back!
OK big question for you Ali....
Do you like the drama? Honestly?
Its OK if you do. But if you dont like all the tension and games maybe drawing back and centering on yourself needs to happen first, before you can even start to think of attracting him towards you. DB is all about you! No really it is! There should be no difference in your actions if you are DB or if you are 'over' BF and moving forward in your life.
It is a process I just want to help you move forward faster so you get to the fun part where you are happy!
xx
Hi Essie, thanks for your grounding influence!
Clearly, I'm not coping well. I've broken up with R's before and been ok after a few weeks. I've never needed counselling before (and I'm seeing 2 at the mo!). I still cry alot. I'm just devastated. I didnt have that period of trying to make it work and go to MC for a year (?) which you did. It came out of nowhere. We'd moved away, we didnt know anyone here but we had lots of visitors..and I thought we were happy and solid (then he did seem depressed, but he has been before in our R and it wasnt to do with me before). So I didnt see it coming, its been a huge shock.
In answer to your question, no I dont like drama! That was what I loved about my R - no drama. I feel like my lifes been turned upside down, nothing makes sense. I'm struggling to PMA and GAL (outside of work and college). To help with this..I just printed off all the societies and clubs that interest me at college and I found a new one -a biking club ! So I will try and go along to that, you have to ride either 10 or 50 miles (eek !)
I do feel exhausted, you and BA are right. To be honest, I am not myself at all. I feel like I have gone a bit crazy, I have been so traumatised by him walking out like that and bearing in mind I considered him my rock..its just floored me. I see how happy and grounded you are, and thats what I was like for years ! I had loads of hobbies and friends and a great job and a lovely BF and well..lots of confidence and was happy. All that has gone out the window, I gave up my career, I have money worries, I have no good friends nearby, my BF left and my beloved cat died ! I need to adjust to all the changes in my life cos at times, it has felt overwhelming. I will read those threads though, thanks!
I was just thinking earlier that I sound so negative and desperate lately, I am getting sick of me, neverlone all you on this board ! I feel like I should apologise if I am coming across as draining :-)
Ali
Ali,
You don't need to apologize. Everyone here understands how you feel. Look at my start date October 2000. If you would have seen me around that time, you would have seen one angry guy. I was the Atilla the Hun of DBing. It comes with the territory.
Now, everyone is relating things to you based on their experiences and speaking for myself from mistakes made. And to be honest, I did not feel like myself for quite some time. But the more you realize what is going on, the easier it becomes to get back to the self you want to be which is not exactly your old self. You will be much wiser than the old one.
So hang in there. And go for the 50 mile bike ride.
IMP
Oh Ali! I feel the pain. I know how much it hurts and how confusing it is. I bet it feels like the whole world is against you, and when is something good going to come your way? I hear you!
I'm glad to hear that you dont like the drama... I have a friend who knowingly creates drama in her life cause she loves it.
T- our librarian! Can you help Ali find the resources on "going dark"? I dont think Ali should go dark, but it might help her to read the theory behind it. Be in control of the contact you have with BF, so that you are the one that decides if you will respond (not react), which will reduce the drama and tension.
Ali I think your goal has to be you and getting back to being centred. Its great that you can see that you used to be independent and happy, and you can recognise where you need to go from here. It must be hard to accept that you are not at the place in your life where you wanted to be (financially, emotionally and even the physical location). The key is that when you are centered in your own joy no matter the circumstances you will attract love and happiness back to you. (Gosh it sounds like I'm writing a self-help book - sorry!)
Dont you think it would be so much fun to make BF start wondering about you? Its fun to think he might be wondering what hot guys you are out meeting and who are showering you with the attention he didnt give. Its fun to think that you are out meeting new people and going forwards towards your goals, while BF isn't very happy and is making dumb decisions. (He is in pain otherwise he wouldnt be drinking so much).
I know you are really busy and you are exhausted, so not much energy to work on PMA and GAL. You have got a lot on your plate with work and college. I'm just cheering for you to realise that even if you aren't really missing out on being with BF, you are single and that has its advantages. Make the most of this opportunity to do somethings for yourself! BF could be back before you know it, and you wont have had a chance to travel independently, devote hours to playing guitar, and get fantastic calf muscles from all your bike riding. I really am cheering for you!
Of course you dont need to apologise for being negative and desperate - we've all been there!!! Me especially! This weekend doesnt have to be like that though - you could have fun and focus on you!
(((((Ali)))))
He isn't going to be expressing doubts! He doesn't even know he has them! Believe me, his brain doesn't work that way!
He is feeling things out, but he doesn't know that's what he is doing! It's more like instinct, and habit taking over.
Ali, the fact that he didn't cal you doesn't say it all! It says he didn't call you. On that one weekend. That' all it means!
I really am going to have to swim over and spank you!
And I'm not that good a swimmer!
Ali,
don't fight yourself so much. You are going against yourself all the time. You are going through a hard time in your life. And everything you feel and think and express is justified. No need to explain to us or to anyone why you feel this way. But you are caught up in you little circle and we are all trying to get you out, to look at the big picture. Read Essie's post again. You will be fine. Either way. Once you realise that, you will feel free and able to make all the right decisions. Do not let fear run your actions and life at the moment. I read here somewhere that fear means
False
Evidense
Appearing
Real
Think about it. What are you so much afraid of? Loneliness, that you will never find someone as good as your BF, what? You can't control your future, others, your past. You can control your present. Stop worrying so much. You'll drive yourself crazy and trust me, right now you are not justified. You see progress, it's not enough, you see him reaching out to you (with his clumsy wasy) its not enough, you believe your reactions can either make him love you or forget you (that is not possible by the way)... You need a break from all this. Find a way. What works for you, anything, pretend he is on a trip, pretend YOU are mad at him and don't want contact, anything... Take a break, relax, start ACTING for yourself NOT REACTING to him.
If I could reach you I would hit you with a lumber (was it?)...
Snap out if it...
LOVE
KALNI
PS so far you are getting a spank(jeff) and a hit on the head (me). Anybody else offering a hand here?
I already offered a pillow. If you want we could put frozen peas in it to make it more painful.
You guys are brilliant .. I am a doughnut!/ plonker / goon !
I'm going to go to bed now and get my beauty sleep and tommorow I may well dye my hair again at last! And go for that bike ride.
And in a spirit of hopefulness, I just posted to piecing asking if anyone sees similarities. Also though, thanks Essie, Jeff, Michelle and Kalni... you have uplifted me so much, I think I will actually be able to go and sleep now! And kalni, thats funny, you are so right there, I am driving myself crazy with false evidence and need to be more balanced. And what am I afraid of? THat I have lost my soulmate and something precious (as soulmates arent THAT common and are therefore precious by nature !) I am lonely and fear I will stay this way for a long while, I fear I will neber have kids, I fear this is all my fault and I never have a chance to fix it..oh dear, dont ask me about fears, they are my forte! I have got over a lot of fears since my BF left though..so he has done me a favour there !!
Ok..to bed. I will try and *deal* with it better tommorow, but once again, I dont know what I would do without you all sometimes ! I hope I get through this bad patch soon.
Ali xxxx
Well, still upset when I woke up this morning! Seem to wake up crying every morning this week. Anyway, got up and went to one of my part time jobs - note taking for people with disabilities! I have to sit in different lectures, or write exams for them, which I really enjoy. I enjoy helping them, its varied and the pay is better per hour than when I was a Programmer !!! Shame its very sporadic. Got back home and no email from BF today. I did send him one back last night, my 6th response to his 6 (!), and I did put a couple of questions in it, but no answer. I have a feeling he wont email me until the end of the day, which is what he has done in the past. I was thinking of emailing him today to say that his post was piling up here.
I was just rereading all our emails with a clear head and he does sound very friendly and interested. That cool impersonal tone seems to be wearing off. Also, he has definetly been keeping me abreast of his lifestyle and movements, which is odd. I am still wondering if I shouldnt be brave and chance some move IF I get to see him this weekend. Not sure what, I'd have to judge that at the time !
I think the danger here is, I have completely got my hopes up that I WILL see him this weekend, but the likelihood is very slim. If I dont, I will be so upset, as he is away the next 3. I just feel like I need an opportunity to see him in person and gauge how he is doing and also, I just miss him so much.
Ironically Ali, I'm going to say I hope you don't see him this weekend and can't see him for the next 3 either. You do have your hopes WAY up, and you are creating a lot of expectations which allow you to be disappointed.
You need to take the time he is gone to take your bike out and play your guitar and do fun stuff with your friends. You will be okay no matter what happens, and you need to really internalize that. You need to use this time to rediscover yourself and grow as a person.
Maybe I missed it among all the other posts about his e-mail, but you have not mentioned bike riding or much about the guitar or getting your hair done or much that you have been very excited about. Perhaps you have been but have just been venting on here, in which case, great! If not, get your butt out there and do stuff!
Despite all the stresses in your life between your BF and your tenants, you need to have fun!
Hiya! Well.. as predicted, he emailed me at the end of the day. Was a chatty email, telling me more stuff about the stag weekend, the arrangements for the skiing trip (!?) and how hes away end next week for his appraisal at work and then seeing a friend and what he needs to do tommorow.. and then right at the end:
"you up to anything this weekend?"
by which I understood now, as I am used to his covert way of doing things, that he wasnt making conversation about my life but asking if I wanted to meet up at the weekend. So I responded about how I have a few days off work and told him about his big pile of post...and did he want to meet up? (took a risk there)...and he replied ok ! He then said he had to go to town to choose a present for his brother, by which I think he meant, would you like to meet in town tommorow.
Then he said "give you a call in the morning..."
I decided against the dye..I did a strand test and it was practically black ! Dont think it was v flattering. Black is about the only colour I've never dyed my hair (for obvious reasons, it doesnt suit me!)
Michelle, yes, your right..my life has been a bit devoid of fun lately indeed, but no bike rides I'm afraid. I live in rainy England by the sea and its been lashing it down for days !! Today though I enrolled for pottery classes, yay! - that was one of my goals. I practised guitar for 2 hours today and I can now play Street Spirit properly!!! I'm moving on to some Supergrass next. And I will be ok one day, as I have been in the past, but I wanted to have a family with him, so I'm just super motivated to get back with him, before my ovaries shrivel up to raisins :-) theres early menopause in my family, my Nan was 39, eek!
So. 3 weekends out of 4 this has happened. I'm pleased, obviously, as I do miss him terribly. But yeah I have my hopes up. At least I will see him I guess. Need to wow him somehow !?? Got to pysche myself up a bit! I likely wont see him for a while after this. And I have no idea what his motivation is for seeing me, but I am pleased that he initiated it again. And its difficult not to read something into that, but until he brings up any R talk, I dont suppose that I can. Hes still being a pretty cool customer, emailing at the end of a work day, not asking anything personal...
Question is, should I chance another risky reach out (it was me that was the more direct one earlier and said "do you want to meet up?" and he responded "ok"). I think you are right Jeff, hes a nervous little doormouse!
Ali, I'm SO happy that you're happy again! You can hear it in your words. I'm VERY proud of you for taking that pottery class as well! I've been looking at doing a ceramics class but haven't found one that doesn't happen during my work hours.
I'm glad you will get a chance to see him this weekend. And congrats on the class - sounds awesome! Yeah, weather definitely puts a damper on outdoor activities. It'll be nicer soon though.
Ali:
I hope you do get the chance to see BF this weekend....BUT...don't be disappointed if it doesn't work out. Don't have ANY expectations whatsoever. You need to Act As If while you are together. You CANNOT be disappointed if things don't go the way you want them to...because in all reality, they probably won't.
I don't mean to be a downer, but I've been there/done that. You need to accept what he can give you now....it may not be all that you want, but keep in mind, he's doing the best he can for right now. So if it's just a 15 minute visit...that's what it is.
I know how very hurt you are, and how hard it is to face each day and have the strength to keep moving forward. But you must do this for yourself first and everything else will fall into place.
Remember....no expectations, no disappointment...that way if things go well, you will be pleasantly surprised...but if they don't you won't be devastated.
(((((((((Ali))))))))) I'll be thinking of you!
BA
Thanks BA ! Yes, it is amazing that yet again he asks me on a Friday what I am doing on the weekend and arranges to see me. I cant quite believe it ! But then considering how strong and loving our R, I couldnt believe he dumped me either :-) He knows he has a stack of post to collect, so think I will see him.
Whenever he came over after the bomb and before NC after Christmas he always stayed around 2-3 hours. The last two visits after NC were 3 hours and then 4 1/2 huors! So I guess I'm expecting around 3 hours with him, possibly out and about in town. Any more will be amazing ! And if he wants me to help choose his brothers present, that would also be amazing. Dont know what to expect! Dont know what to wear! Only got one skirt which isnt a summer one (or unflattering) and I wore that last time he came over. So might have to throw that on again but my sister pointed out that men often wear the same stuff and its not such a big deal to them that we have a "new" outfit on, more that we look nice.
I will be sad though as its my birthday next weekend and he is away. Hes going back to our hometown, possibly on Thursday, which is what I was planning to do !! So I am debating asking him for a lift as he will be driving..but thats 3 1/2 hours in the car, maybe 4. Probably he wouldnt want to. Have to see how tommorow pans out and if he mentions my birthday at all (was one of my goals !!). I am so grateful for the chance to see him. I know Michelle yuo said maybe it would be better if I didnt, and I was thiking about that - I know they say in the DB book to not always be available, turn down some invitations, but I dont think we're at that stage yet? I'm not getting enough invites to have chance to turn some down!? And I think the situation is obviously still precarious, despite the 12 emails Thursday and the 4 today and a possible meeting tommorow, the sitch is still that "its over". Until he says anything to the contrary.
Feel as nervous as a kitten at a toddlers tea party !!
Ali
_______________
Me: 36
H: 34
LT: 9 years
ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07
Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
As I'm always told here......Breathe, sweets, Breathe!
Enjoy your time with him and if something gets cancelled then do something else that's enjoyable for you. Just relax and enjoy though!
Lol. I was saying it might be good not to see him not for DBing or turning down invites, but for your mental health. So you wouldn't be as nervous as a kitten at a toddler's tea part!
That's only 4 hours out of your weekend though. What fun stuff are you gonna do with the rest of it!
Oh I see ! No I feel excited nervous! It will be nice to see him, it was so special the last few times and we get on so well, there is no acrimony or bda feeling between us. In fact, in the museum we were going round pointing out exhibits and chatting and apart from the not touching, you coildnt tell we had split up! I do hope I see him, as I am sure it will be lovely.
I hope I look nice! Feeling a bit of a skinny minnie and underfed and look a bit tired ...
Going round to my best mates house Saturday night...the one that hit his W (!!!) to see his W and drink wine, so thats good. Then I have to watch the kids whilst she goes pick him up, he has been in Berlin (I am defo glad I didnt go! So no regrets at least). Feel wierd I found out he hit his W though, dont know what to do about that as she begged me not to tell him I know.
Suppose I shouldnt be bringing up any R talks or suggest a hug or try a sneaky kiss on the cheek if my BF hugs me?? THinking of you Kalni and your full kiss on the lips of your H !
Ali
Hey Ali!
You know the answer to the last questions! No! No OR talks, no suggesting a hug. No sneaky kissing! Let him lead you.
Did I read right? 12 e-mails in one day? Not bad going- I'm jealous- will have to try some guitar encouragement on my H!!
Glad you're feeling a little better this evening- very exciting about the meeting with BF; I'll be thinking of you,
L.
(((((Ali)))))
Have a great weekend! And turn your analyser off! You sound good, just take it slow and easy, ok? Less is more!
I think no R talks definitely. Probably not on the kiss on the cheek.
Hugs...it depends. I hug most of my friends, so it's hard for my H to claim that hugging him is somehow clingy or weird. If you guys used to hug as friends, then I say go for it if it feels right. But don't turn it into a long, clingy hug.
I hope you do have a wonderful time, both with him and with your friend. It sounds like she really needs someone to listen to her and support her right now.
Do not chase him! It will mean so much more if he is the one to initiate a hug or kiss.
If for some reason he brings up a R talk you should change the subject. You need to act as if you dont care one way or another if he is in your life or not. That is what he will find really attractive.
No-body wants something that doesn't cost anything, and anyone could have. You will be more attractive if you are dancing just out of reach and he has to chase you. (I know I want H more now that I cant have him - so that really works! You always take for granted things that you are easily accessible).
Hope it goes well though. I'm more excited about your pottery class. That sounds like a great way to meet new people!
HEY EVERYONE !! Ok, I will try and be alluring and unobtainable - thanks essie, and thanks Michelle for reminding me, I mustnt cling on his neck this time as though he is a lifeline!! Just a "normal" hug (yes, we always hug hello and goodbye). And OneDay..yes, I think men like a woman that can play a bit of trendy guitar music, think Suzi Quattro !!! (hes the right age to have faniced her isnt he, or is he a bit young ??). And have a great weekend with yur son Jeff! I will let you all know tomorow how its going.. EEEK !!
feel a little light headed, just cut my leg in the shower shaving and it was like the chain saw masacre in there :-)
Ok, off to the land of nod...thanks for your support !!! I will picture you all standing alongside me (jeez he wont be able to hug me, with a gaggle of people to get past!).
Ali xx
Lol. I had to laugh over your shaving cut because of one time where, in my H's words, I tried to "amputate my butt." I was DONE shaving, and putting the razor away when it slipped off on one end, so the blade was swinging loose, and I caught myself as I was moving it past my body. Gave myself like a 4 inch long gash along the top of my thigh and across my hip/butt.
Good luck this weekend Ali.
As the other mentioned.. try to stay calm and have fun!!!
Can't wait to read your posts tomorrow and Sunday!
W2G
I fancied Suzi Quattro! But that was what, 28 years ago? Works for me!
28 years Jeff- you must have just been a baby then! My H is 28 tomorrow, so a little young for Suzi Quattro, but I get the idea!
Good luck this weekend Ali- can't wait to hear what happens.
L.
Argghhh! He's still not phoned me and its nearly 1pm. I have done my hair my face, selected an outfit, tidied the house, hidden the DB books and had a final run through of Street Spirit in case he wants to hear it. I have tried to think of some witty and interesting things to tell him. I've been practising standing up straight and smiling alot serenly. I feel like I am preparing for the final exam at a Swiss Finishing School, but I have inadvertently tucked my skirt in my knickers and left a trail of toilet paper behind me.
ARRGHHH ! This is doing my palpitations no good at all.
Its very sunny here. No rain ! My tenants didnt pay their rent this month. *rse.
Ali xxx
Hi Ali,
Let'see what happens. I hope it turns out better than your wildest expectations (which should be VERY LOW so that shouldn't very hard)...
I can't wait to hear what happened...
Love
Kalni
Wow. Sucks about the tenants. I hope you can get all that straightened out soon. I hope the eviction process in England is easier than here.
I'm hoping you aren't on here posting like crazy because he called....
Ali,
I'm excited to hear about how your meeting with BF goes!! And the pottery class, and your stunning grooming!!
I hope your razor injury heals ASAP
((HUGS))
T
Hey everyone...well, he didnt come! He sent me a text message at 2pm saying he was sorry for not calling, but he was ill and his glands were up. He said going out to pick up pills, will call later if I feel better. Me
So he is ill. Yet again. My BF is a Leo and was always full of vitality and used to get ill about once every 2 years or so, and now he has been ill 4 times since he left me and not just a cold, but properly ill, laid up in bed, off work. When I read that, I was disappointed to not see him, but also I felt strangely a bit angry. He thinks his life was going to be so much better and happier without me in it..he refused to discuss the decision to leave or what had gone wrong, talk to me at all, refused to work on the R or go to MC, just thats it, over, this is the right thing for me, I have more confidence now and this is what I want.
Well, I hope he is happy ! Clearly, he is stressed and run down and not that happy.
I was glad he didnt come as I felt stressed as I got a solicitors letter this morning from the one tenant threatening to take me to court for harassment!!! They claimed I go to the flat whenever I like. She is insane. I've only ever been there when shes asked me to (to bring her a washing machine, to tighten the front door, to fix a leak) and I always arranged it with notice. And they havent paid the rent. So I dont know what to do ! I'm getting free legal advice on Monday. I think this is all because they were robbed and blame me.
So I wasnt feeling very composed after that and my head was full of what to do about it and I wouldnt have wanted to see him in that mood. He will still be ill tommorow so I wont see him this weekend and then he's away. But he does need to get his post sometime, so maybe I will see him, who knows.
I went to town and bought myself some music and a new dress instead.
Ali x
((((((Ali))))))
I think you BF is stressed and rundown. He isn't taking care of himself, and he is drinking too much. Kinda sucks to be him! Keep your head up Ali! I still think he may realize what a goof up he's been! And, at least he apologized!
Your tenant is an idiot! I don't think they have much chance of any success on the harassment thing. They'd have to prove something! Based on what? I might make all future interaction with them (hopefully not many!) in writing. It might be a good thing that they are not paying the rent, maybe it will be easier to get rid of them!
So, what's the dress like?
Ali!!
Good job going into town and getting new music and a dress!!! I am proud!!
((ALI))
T
Cool about the music and the dress. What's it look like?
As for the tenants, did you give them the notice of entry in writing? If not, start doing so and keep copies! As for the verbal stuff, keep notes about when they call, what they say, when you call them back, what you say. What a pain! Stupid people.
Ali,
I know the feeling. My H seems to be working 12 hours a day, NOT having fun going out, not going out in general, eating junk food (big thing for him), lost all our friends (doesn't see them anymore), lives in a 1 room appartment (while making lots of money), missing his kids terribly (and it shows), has no energy, is stuck in a limbo state, just follows my moods, hopefully is horny (I am not a sex maniac, just joking about this a lot), and STILL can't figure out why he feels like this and is in this state... (duh or dah or however you aks in a stupid face)...
Your B sounds close to depression to me and that of course f$$ks up his immune system as well. Maybe it's time for him to grow up...
I am glad you decided to go spend some money on you (always helps when you are a woman), sorry to hear about your troubles...
L
Kalni
My H has also been sick a lot. Seems to be a common thing.
At any rate, don't let his ups and downs and illnesses dictate your life.
Retail therapy can be a good thing. Did some of that myself on Thursday. Still waiting to hear about your new dress!!!
Hey guys!!
Well..its cotton, white, but mainly black as has little black flowers all over it. Quite short and little puff sleeves. Will wear it with a small cardigan I have in yellow. I was going to post again earlier to say I felt regretful for being mad at him a bit today..I remembered that he is probably in depression, or suffering in some way and not in good shape mentally (clearly!) and yes, at least he did apologise. Its just all so sad.
He texted me again (!) to say he felt a bit better and had taken some antibiotics and he didnt know why his glands were up again but that it was annoying (yes Kalni..Durrr...I wonder why !!??) and that he would phone tommorow if he felt better. Then he said he hoped if I was ok (oh that old chestnut again and no, I didnt tell him if I was or not!!). So that was good of him and maybe he will phone tommorow, I hope he will.
I think he's done me a favour today. This is all so ridiculous. I am a good person and I loved him very much. I just hope he can live with himself, if he never comes back to me and ever realises what he has lost.
Tonight...I had my sister on the phone for an hour, as she broke up with her abusive boyfriend and got him to move out and then wanted him back...then my best friend called straight after for an hour in tears as she has to confront her abusive H about getting help or they will D, then I went to see that friend and she cried for an hour about how her H has had anger issues, and even threatened to hit her on their W DAY !!!
I'm not kidding you, I had 3 hours of this.
My BF was a good man. He was loving and kind and respectful to me, he was too respectful, he let me do what I liked. He embraced my family, he supported and cared for me. He never got cross or angry, we didnt row, he did 1/2 the housework, he did half the cooking, he took me for surprise days out on birthdays and anniversaries, he was my best friend, he made me laugh...and I was all this for him.
And then I see all these terrible R and the partners giving their abusive partners every chance under the sun to change, to fix it. And my BF gave me none. Not a single chance.
Well, he better wake up/grow up soon, else this fish may have swam off...
x
Wow, Ali, sounds like your life is a piece of cake compared to those close to you!
And the dress...how short...
And my BF gave me none. Not a single chance.
Ali, your BF is still talking to you. Maybe he has to give himself a chance.
Hang in there. I see some strength in you even during these difficult times.
IMP
Ali,
Your dress sounds SUPER HOTTTTT!!! seriously, a good outfit can really lift the PMA.
I know you are frustrated with BF. Please be patient with him. I know I've told you a million times. I can tell you again!!! He is reaching out even though it is not always exactly how you want.
I'm glad you got to support others today. It always helps me feel stronger when I get to do that, I hope you feel the same!!
((HUGS))
T
Dearest Ali
You sound a million times better! I am so glad to hear about the Hot dress! And I'm glad that you got the tiniest bit angry with BF. As great as he might have been it does totally suck that he walked off and only thought about himself. GRRR! You deserve to be treated better than that! (Go with the anger - it helped me GAL and gave me more energy that being sad and mopey).
You are such an amazing friend - to all of us here and to you real life friends. They must really appreciate having you listen to their problems.
I am a good person and I loved him very much. I just hope he can live with himself, if he never comes back to me and ever realises what he has lost.
Well, he better wake up/grow up soon, else this fish may have swam off...
I agree!
Hey Ali,
I totally agree with what everyone else said!
I can really sympathise about your tenants, but it seems to me that they won't have a leg to stand on in terms of suing you for harrassment- there will be no case. I had tenants last year who threatened to sue me for harrassment, neglect and all sorts of other things, but that was all it was- threats. I don't know if you know this website
Landlord Zone but it's really helpful for free advice and to get input from other landlords.
Love the sound of the dress by the way, and the GAL activities this afternoon.
L.
Hi everyone...well. feel upset all over again. No word from him. I cant believe he is THAT ill. He emailed me Friday to ask me what I was doing this weekend and yes, yet again I got my hopes up. Then nothing.
I feel heartbroken all over again whenever he does this. Its the weekend, he hasnt seen me for 2 weeks, he wont see me for another 2 now, if not 3 or 4. Thats in then I guess. Hes done with me.
Oops...just sent him a text message.. ??
"Hiya, how are you feeling today? I hope you are ok and not still ill."
oh sh*t.
Oh well.
Looks like its over anyway. Hes either too ill or just not motivated to see me and he wont have chance for ages. And I guess I feel impatient and cant stand this agony much more. Although then I will have the agony of knowing that I have blown it. And its already blown anyway as today is 4 months exactly since he ended it.
FED UP !!!
Ali x
Ali,
I read this book called Excuse Me Your Life Is Waiting: The Astonishing Power of Feelings by Lynn Grabhorn. You get more of what you feel is the basic thesis. So if you feel he will be gone, he will be gone. Take the positives he shows and run with them. He needs time to sort his own feelings out. But in the meantimne, get your feelings in order.
IMP
Hi Ali,
This is all such a rollercoaster, isn't it? I can see why you are feeling super frustrated about all this. It would be easier to handle the distance if you knew somehow that they'd be back in a month or 2 or 6 or whatever. The unknown part does make it really tough. From what you've shared, in this situation it does seem possible he's pretty sick, especially if he's taking antibiotics. But he's not solid yet on his communicating with you and it leaves you feeling like he's calling the shots. In a sense, this is true, but remember just in this past week things were looking better.
One thing that seems true for both you and me (and a lot of others on this board) is that our feelings and moods can shift quite suddenly depending on sometimes a single message/text/email. Right now you're in a dip on things, but look back at earlier this week and you were up. So remember, they don't call it a rollercoaster for nothing.
Maybe there's something gentle or kind you can do for yourself today (tonight where you are, I think?). You've been doing a nice job of self care activities--music, clothes, being active physically. Sounds like a little bit of distraction from the chronic stress of all this stuff could be useful?
Keep us posted! We're here for you.
Purr
Hey IMP and Purr...well, I couldnt re-post earlier, but I wish I had - he texted straight back to say he was on his way over !! That was 2.30 and he left at nearly 7, 4 hours later ! Sorry for the long post but..
He grabbed my hand!...he actually took my hand! Thats the first time in 4 months he has done, since he held my hand all the way up the motorway when we drove home to tell everyone, the day after the bomb.
So...Purr you are right, no message from him when I was expecting one and I was in the depths of despair. I was explaining on Kalnis thread today, that I think this is a pivotal week for us. There are some very powerful planets, I just sense that something has got to shift now. We cannot keep drifting along in this surreal no-mans land, hence my frustration earlier..I just felt something should happen!
And sure enough, he came over again all afternoon, at his suggestion. He looked nice and smelt amazing. We chatted and drank coffee and then he suggested we went to the little town nearby...where we went to one shop and then walked the length and breadth of the town and without going anywhere, becuase we were just talking talking and neither of us wanted to break it I dont think. Then we walked back and he suggested we went for a drink somewhere. So we went and had tea and cake and talked more...but nothing personal, all about his brothers wedding and his mum and my family and about work (he talked alot about work) and how he is so tired all the time and has all these aches and pains...he didnt really ask me much and I was so busy listening, validating, agreeing, smiling and interjecting with the odd insightful or witty comment, I didnt tell him much about me either ! I wasnt sure how well I was doing, I felt I was just being a yes man and not being very interesting in my own right, but he didnt seem to be too aware of that.
So then he dropped me back here, but he came in! So I was surprised as it was getting late, but I offered him a drink and he agreed! Which he didnt do the last few times he came over, he made his excuses around half 5. Well this time he sat down for another hour..and talked some more about work and was clearly very stressed. Then he admitted to me about being run down and very very tired and not sleeping and I asked him why, and he said "well becuase I am stressed" and I said, why, because of work ? And he said, "well yes, but its with everything isnt it." I was amazed...another chink in his armour! He didnt elaborate, tthough.
Then he had to go and gave me a hug and this time we hugged each other and it went on for ages and felt really special! I really hugged him a lot and he seemed to enjoy it. I am afraid I even kissed his neck, oops, it just sort of happened! But he let go and took my hand! He grabbed for my fingers and sort of walked toward the door squeezing them before letting go. I said to him "thanks for coming to see me" and he actually said "Oh no, not at all, its been really nice" in a very heartfelt emotional voice. Blimey !
For most of the time he was here, he was friendly and warm, but in a very detached, just mates way. I found this very hard to bare, so spent most of the time concentrating on smiling and acting as if and desperately trying not to cry. Then, when he came in and stayed over an hour, I started to feel maybe it wasnt just mates...and when he gave me the hug and took my hand and said that..well, a little hope crept in. But still, no change as yet, not a word of doubt or regret in 4 months still.
Lastly... HE REMEMBERED MY BIRTHDAY !! He didnt say much about it, but quite early on he asked me if I wanted to go back home at the weekend, I said indeed I did...he said I thought you would and that he was thinking he would drive me as he needs to go back too ! All his idea and we arranged to go Wednesday night and come back Sunday. This is perfect. He is happy to sit for nearly 4 hours in the car with me. He even asked me later what I was going home for. I said "um, its my birthday" and he said I know...but I didnt answer the question (I guess he meant, what did I have arranged, but I have nothing arranged !)
Something has got to give this week. Mars is moving forwards in Cancer (is back to where it left off on November 15th - the day he moved out, so everything has been "on hold" since then and now things can properly move forward once again), also there is a New Moon on Friday in Pisces, linked to the powerful Pluto and followed by a once in a lifetime amazing conjunction between Uranus and the Sun in Pisces and MY Sun in Pisces on the weekend. So if nothing changes even a tiny bit this week, I'm a banana.
Sorry it was a long one, but ...what do you think ??? Ali x
PS: Also..I realised, I am completely in love with him. Smitten, full butterfly stomach, birds singing, fireworks exploding. DAMN !!! I'm more in love with him than ever! I just want to get married, do some travellling, then buy a little house by the sea, have some kids, get a dog, be happy. He wants to sit in his one armchair in a crummy flat and drink wine. Damn, again.
YAY ALI! That sounds like it was a fantastic interaction!! HURRAY for him remembering your birthday and offering to drive you home- how great is that?!!
I wouldn't worry too much about him not expressing regret yet- he is by his actions, and wanting to spend more and more time with you, and holding your hand, hugging you and having emotion in his voice. It's going to come....
Pretty sure you're not a banana- I'll be looking forward to this weeks posts to see what happens (and watching my fish H too!)
(((Ali))) This is SO EXCITING!
L.
Ali,
What a nice day you had. I am happy for you.
If nothing changes even a tiny bit this week, I'm a banana.
And if nothing changes...a plantain!
Seriously. Do yourself a favor. Don't let your expectations run wild. Let things happen in time, not your time.
Oh, and I don't think the neck kiss was a bad thing.
IMP
Thanks IMP! I wasnt as brave as Kalni though (I was thinking of you today Kalni!)..but all I could manage was the neck.
OneDay..my god, so your H is a Pisces too ?? There is a New Moon in Pisces this week. He has his Saturn Return now or coming up soon you know. Thats all about career and getting the first rung in yuor "grown up" career, if you see what I mean and is generally about maturing and growing up. Send me his birth details, place, date, time..I'm really curious to take a look !
Ali xxx
You're welcome, Ali. Neck is good. I never kissed my mother on the neck!
Hey Ali!
I think the neck kiss was fabulous- very subtle and sexy; I bet BF drove home thinking about it!
H's birthdate is March 2nd 1980 at 2pm in the European City of Culture; Liverpool! Hopefully his chart won't come up in an aubergine-shaped pattern!
Thankyou ever so much for looking; I really appreciate it. If you ever need any (prescription!) drug advice, I'd be happy to return the favour. Or curry recipes- my stepmother is Indian and has some fab ones!
L.xx
((ALI)),
I am beginning to lose it with you guys, He is calling ,not calling, you are dsperate and just as we were all getting ready for some spanking he appears all of the sudden and you are having fun with him!!! And my gosh, you don't have children to tie you in any kind of necessary interactions, it is happenning because he wants to be with YOU. Do you see that? Do you get that? If it wasn't for my kids my H wouldn't even call I bet (but if it wasn't for my lovely kids I would be out partying missing all his phonecalls anyway, HA!!).
Neck kissing? Hmmm... (I love that). And a 4 hour trip together in the car? Hmmm, you better get your hair done, and go get some more dresses. Oh, and don't shave, WAX!! (2 days earlier than your planned trip)
Love you- I am glad you had a good time. Stop analysing a perfect day that even lead you to a committed next interaction/meeting/date or whatever you could call that (that's new, right?). (maybe you should have a Bday party instead of me at your hometown)
XXXXXXX
Kalni
OMG, he remembered your birthday and wants to spend the days surrounding it stuck in the car with you!?! And he hugged you!?! He may not have SAID anything, but his actions speak volumes. He obviously misses you. What that means for the future is still up for debate.
Keep your expectations low and just enjoy it. And quit analyzing! You're gonna have tons of opportunities to DB later this week, so enjoy it!
And the opportunity to DB this upcoming week will be to just enjoy.
Ali,
Great news and it was great to read your detailed post! Well, something's going on between you two...it's hard to not see that. I know exactly what you mean about how some points in being together are so hard because inside you want to cry but are trying not to show this outside. But it sounds like you handled things really well. His admission of being stressed with "everything" is very significant--first because it gives you clear feedback that he is struggling--and second because he is sharing it (albeit in a small way right now) with you. I'm no expert in any of this, but it seems to me that this is a signficant thing for the WAS to do.
You are a gusty woman slipping in a little neck peck, aren't you?! : ) Doesn't sound like it was a problem for him! Well done, Ali. I am excited (cautiously of course) and happy for you that you've had this experience together. You deserve some happy stuff in your life. Here's a virtual hug for you: ((Ali))
Take care,
Purr
Thanks guys !! And I should explain...the neck kiss was partly as he is 6 foot 1 !! And I am 5'4'' and seeing as we are not now together, it wouldnt have been right to get on tip toes like I normally do, so the neck was the nearest part! Althouh...thinking about it, he had both arms all around me and wasnt stood up straight like he used to hug me post bomb, he was all bent over and wrapped around me...Hmm..so thas positive !!??
Also, he also paid me loads of compliments! Not long after he arrived he started going on about how smart I was and how he is not as sharp as me and how easy I find things like mortgages and solicitors and how clever I am to be working as a book keeper /accounts person! And I was looking at him wierdly thinking, wheres all this coming from?? And he also said later on how great it was that I was doing so many different jobs. And he bought his bike rack over for me and showed me how to put it together..he said he though it would be easier than lifting my bike in and out my boot. So, all in all, it was pretty positive!?
I was staring at him, soaking up the sight of him and thinking...I really love you.
And yes, sorry Kalni, I seem to have my own side show rollercoaster here! I meant to repost after "I've not heard from him, its over" to say he's on his way, but I had only had 15 minutes to get ready!
Thanks for all your support Michelle, IMP, Essie, T, Purr, OneDay and Kalni ! I think my DBing has relaxed a tiny bit (I emailed him, I asked him to stay for dinner (he said no, but reluctantly), I asked him how he was feeling, why he was stressed).. but I have stuck to the DBing pretty much religiously since 1 January and not done any backslides...and it seems to be working ! Well, in the incresaed and more relaxed contact..but we still havent had an R talk at all since 22 December.
If he doesnt say something by the time we come home Sunday, I am thinking of withdrawing a bit, making myself a bit unavailable. Go a bit mysterious and start saying I am busy, or not reply to emails?? Go a bit dark. Thats the plan. See how the weekend goes I guess!
Ali,
I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU. This is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!
I was thinking... you did a really good job listening. He might not have anyone else to talk to the way he can talk to you. Work that, girl!!! He probably cannot open up to his guy friends who he plays squash with the same way he can talk to you. SO LISTEN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT! Sounds like you're doing a stellar job of that already!
I am TOTALLY pumped about how he kept extending the time together by asking to do one more thing with you...
and four hours in a car! Hoooooooooorrrrrrayyyyy!!
way to go, girl!!!
(((((ALI))))))
T
Lol. Depending on how things go, that might be a good idea. Just have to see what happens I guess. It's good to make him chase you a little IMO though.
So many positives! Sounds like you just had a wonderful weekend all around, some shopping, some guitar, and some time with your BF.
Christ I do almost feel like I am gloating! I dont mean to, but this is for venting (and I sure have done plenty of that!) and so I couldnt help but put it all out there. And although I feel uplifted that it went well on the face of it.. he still wouldnt stay for dinner, or kiss me on the cheek, or give me his address, or...well anything that consitutes R stuff. So no change really ! But thanks girls..gonna keep my hopes up !!
Think I may take the dress back. I tried it on earlier and it appears to be 2 sizes too big for me ! Those pesky mirrors in changing rooms, I swear they make stuff look better on you than they do in reality!
Lol. Maybe try eating more since you've been complaining you're too skinny anyways!
Ali,
You said:
I was staring at him, soaking up the sight of him and thinking...I really love you.
Wow. I have to admit I got goosebumps when I read that.
You are doing well, Ali.
IMP
Ali,
I finally got caught up on your sitch and I'm very, very pleased w/ what I read. Of course, I wanted to kick you in the rear w/ the obsessing, but you did very well.
He is coming back. It is slow, but he's coming back. Let him come to you. Keep on doing your thing and he'll come back. Now is the time for you to be patient and not to rush. You need to be more patient now than you ever have been before this point.
Finally, as for the thought of being totally in love w/ him, I know exactly what you are thinking and feeling. Even though my W is treating me poorly and blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in her life, I can't help but think about how much I love her and miss her every time I see her when we're exchanging our D. I also get knots in my stomach when she calls, texts or sends an e-mail.
I too am more in love now than I've ever been. My only hope is that my W will be receptive and inching back toward me after 4 months. As of today, she wanted me to be gone forever.
Keep up the WONDERFUL work, Ali. I'm very impressed and very proud of you.
RTL
Hello everyone...yes been scoffing biscuits by the packet load Michelle, but I have a wierd body...doesnt make much difference what I eat, its in one end and out the other, I'm like an aphid !!!!
And IMP...thankyou...now if only my BF got goosebumps, my problem would be solved :-)
And RTL..I'm so sorry for your latestd developments, your W has released some pent up stuff all in one big tirade I fear. And you are right of course about the counselling, if only she would've gone.
Lastly...remember all this stuff I keep saying about my chart and Leo and Pisces (I study our charts regularly)..well, my BFs stars on the internet said this today, I couldnt have put it better myself...
"There's more to the Leo-Pisces connection than the feline's compunction to catch, toy with and devour fish. Lions get another shot at figuring out what that attraction is once the Pisces sun/moon conjunction on the 7th provides an opportunity to explore the places Fish are currently hanging out, e.g., the bank or the bedroom. Just be prepared to be stunned when your sun ruler runs into erratic, often erotic Uranus that weekend. Theirs is the kind of encounter that has been known to make the "earth move." Pray it's not the "Big One."
You see..didnt I tell ya !!?? New Moon in Pisces on the 7th followed by a Uranus-Sun conjunction which hits my own Sun in Pisces exactly. On Sunday...when he will be driving me back !!!
Maybe I will jump him in the service station :-)
Seriously, if I dont get some sign of change by then, I'm quitting astrology (BLIMEY !!!)
Then he admitted to me about being run down and very very tired and not sleeping and I asked him why, and he said "well becuase I am stressed" and I said, why, because of work ? And he said, "well yes, but its with everything isnt it."
But still, no change as yet, not a word of doubt or regret in 4 months still.
You sure about that? In my book there is at list a bit of doubt and regret, right there!
Boy, I go self absorbed for a day, and look what happens! Maybe I should just ignore you all the time! (No, I don't think you'll be that lucky!)
Ali, can you send your e-mail address? I would like to send you a birthday greeting next week! I would have preferred to surprise you, but it's hard to do that without the address! I'm not too much of a stalker!
Keep doing what you are doing, especially the patience part! I think you are headed in the right direction! That didn't sound like a mates hug, it sounded a bit closer to a Mates hug!
Hurray!!!
Ali I am so pleased that you had such a positive Sunday with your BF.. I am looking forward to hearing how your car ride home goes. I'm sure it'll be GREAT!!!!!
W2G
Hey W2Go and Jeff!
Funny..a Mates hug. I knew months ago about Mars getting back to where it was in November, this week, and then a Pisces New Moon and the Sun conjunct Uranus...and I have been waiting and waiting for signs of change...but today I thought I had got it wrong, as he didnt email me :-( And then...things start happening for Kalni !! I'm so excited...
I hope the fact he hasnt emailed me isnt a bad sign. Things were due to change, but it could be for good or bad, I just dont know.
See what tommorow brings...
(((((Ali)))))
After four hours yesterday, he may be a bit Ali'ed out! Don't panic, girl!
Patience Ali. He committed to seeing you this week! He's going to spend hours in the car with you! Let him miss you for the couple days in between - it's not a big deal. It's only a few days.
I'm glad you had such a wonderful weekend.
Ali:
Glad to hear you had a great weekend! Don't start begging for trouble. BF has committed to seeing you this week and you will be spending quite a bit of time together. Let things happen as they may.
BA
Hey Ali,
I agree with the others- give BF a bit of time....
And I also just wanted to say YOU ARE AMAZING! Thanks for all that info on my thread. I am going to print it and read it in depth before responding, but reading it, there are so many things about H that are spot on. THANKYOU! And for the solutions too. (((Ali))). Thankyou thankyou thankyou!
L.xx
and 2x4 
! 