She is still initiating conversations (texting) with me and while I have no doubt she truly cares about me, I am not sure where we stand moving forward other than being friends. I am finding myself in the same cycle as after my separation with my wife, which is to prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I am definitely hurting at the thought of not having something more with her. It is so difficult for me to find this level of comfort and trust with another person. Do I just give it time or simply move on for my sake?
So based on your timeline - your BD was 5 months ago and you have been speaking to this woman for 4 months of it. Your problem isn't your lack of dating... your problem is you being uncomfortable with being alone.
IF you truly want to learn from your mistakes. IF you truly want to learn how to cope with heart break and failure. IF you truly want to grow in a way to not repeat behavior - you need to stop dating for now and learn to sit in your emotions. You need to not look comfort in the arms of someone else.
The cycle you mentioned is the one you created. If you want to break it - let this new girl go and be alone for awhile.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
So based on your timeline - your BD was 5 months ago and you have been speaking to this woman for 4 months of it. Your problem isn't your lack of dating... your problem is you being uncomfortable with being alone.
IF you truly want to learn from your mistakes. IF you truly want to learn how to cope with heart break and failure. IF you truly want to grow in a way to not repeat behavior - you need to stop dating for now and learn to sit in your emotions. You need to not look comfort in the arms of someone else.
The cycle you mentioned is the one you created. If you want to break it - let this new girl go and be alone for awhile.
Wish I could like this 100 times. Valeska is correct. This is the exact unhealthy pattern embraced by many who walk out on their marriages and/or have affairs. My W went from having sex with me to AP #1 within weeks and after that ended, on to AP #2 within three months, tops. The key to happiness is not found externally, or with someone else. It's found within you.
I understand the temptation. I've had no romantic involvements with anyone for 14 months, and I anticipate that I won't even start looking for at least another year. Certainly not doing anything until after the D is final. Not only am I fine with it, I'm enjoying indulging my likes and interests very much. I don't have to worry about what W thinks of it.
Certainly you have some interests, hobbies, whatever, that you put aside during your marriage. Something you want to devote yourself to again. Or something new that you never started. Now is the time. Don't be addicted to female companionship. Be addicted to you and what you want for yourself.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
I thought I would give an update and get some feedback from all the great people on here, who helped me tremendously in the early stages.
This is still the early stages. One of which is indifference. A time when one’s feelings towards their spouse become muted or attenuated.
Caution is needed during indifference as other feelings and temptations will loom much larger than they truly are while contrasted against the void of one’s temporary numbness. Nature abhors a vacuum and temptations can fill that void rather quickly when one is not diligent.
One of the basics of DB principles is taking rational actions based upon logic and reason. Following one’s mind instead of feelings. Feelings are fleeting and decisions made based upon emotions usually lead to regret.
Originally Posted by broken89
I no longer care or think about my soon to be ex-wife. I have moved on (I think) and am okay with the divorce.
I would venture that you are feeling quite indifferent. This period of calm and numbness is an excellent opportunity to look inward towards one’s self free from all the cacophony of the situation and spouse.
Realize indifference does unwind. It is temporary. Feelings do return. Best to have done a pile of inner work before then.
To the current events:
Originally Posted by broken89
Do I just give it time or simply move on for my sake?
Originally Posted by broken89
She admittedly said that neither of us were ready to be in a relationship at this time and I think she is probably right.
You know what you should do. And should not have done.
I agree with her, neither of you were likely ready to be in a relationship at this time.
My two cents regarding dating. IMHO .
No dating until at least one year after the divorce has been finalized. That’s signed and gone through the courts. Not separated, or pending, or any other “justified” condition. People have an incredible capacity for reason and we can/will craft justifications for any course we’d like to take. Stick to the path.
Become healed and whole before you date. Not date in an attempt to become whole and healed.
Time to dig into you. You are worth that investment.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you all for sharing your wisdom and experience. It really helps to hear your perspectives to re-focus myself on the work and introspection I should be doing. I think the biggest thing for me is to learn to be okay with being alone and find who I am as a single person, not in a relationship. This is all new to me and perhaps the most difficult part of this journey. It's so much easier to seek intimacy and affection to fill that void.
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