My wife and and i have been together for 5 yrs and married for 2 yrs. i am 52 and she is 43. she blindsided me last Thursday saying she is filling for divorce. wants no counselling and said nothing i do or say will change her mind. i felt something was off 2 months ago but every time i would question her she said we were fine and said it was just her depression. she was still having sex with me even 3 days before the bombshell. she would act sweet and kind the day before and wrote me a nice birthday card last november saying how happy she was and what a great life we had. at the start of our relationship i told her that 2 other women blindsided me the first one being my first wife who acted like everything was fine and i caught her cheating on me right after christmas. the 2nd girl i was engaged to wrote me a text saying how much she loved me and couldnt wait to marry me then 3 hrs later broke up with me through email. i begged my wife to please communicate any issues and not blindside me like they did. she promised she would talk to me and go to counselling if things got bad. i made the mistake of not maintaining my friendships during our marriage and i put all my time into my wife and kids. i only have my 88yr old mom left who is in bad health and my 10 yr old daughter left. my daughter is from another relationship. my daughter and stepdaughter are super close to me and each other. this is going to crush them. my wife doesnt seem to care her mind is made up. i feel so alone and isolated. i am in agony and the only thing keeping me going is my daughter. i will not leave her without a father.
to make things worse i have been on long term disability and only make 60% of my jobs salary. i feel like i cant afford to live now and i need major back surgery. i suffer from a panic disorder and anxiety. my wife has major depression. i dont want to die but i dont want to be alive. i am so afraid its going to be too much to handle.
really angry and depressed today. we had the kids for the weekend. my daughter is on the same schedule as my wifes kids. i only have my daughter every other weekend while my wife has primary custody of her kids. they still dont know that my wife is divorcing me. its hard to not look upset around the kids. my wife seems to have no issues. i was watching a crime show documentary with my wife after the kids went to bed. the show was about a guy who killed his first wife because she was about to divorce him. my wife made the comment " dont kill me because im divorcing you" i told her that was very hurtful to say to me given the circumstances as im still shell shocked and dont want the divorce. her reply was i was only joking. WTF i cant believe she could say something so hurtful.
she also has been talking to guys on dating sites after she said she wanted to be alone for a while to work on herself. another lie. im angry at myself because i thought she would miss me and change her mind. im also angry that she couldnt even wait to get divorced.
Welcome to the boards. I am pasting Cadet’s welcome post below for your reference. Lots of links with a trove of useful advice.
I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Such a blindside is quite a gut punch and the pain and hurt is near indescribable.
Do you have a copy of Divorce Remedy by MWD? If not, get one. Read it cover to cover. Plenty of really good information and advice in there. Do keep DR, this site, and other DB strategies to yourself.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
she blindsided me last Thursday saying she is filling for divorce. wants no counselling and said nothing i do or say will change her mind.
Yes, they are usually very adamant of their view point. Do not try to dissuade her. We all plead, beg, make promises, and such right after bomb drop, which just propels them towards the door faster. Realize W’s path/decision has very little to do with you. Her present trajectory is emotionally driven (depression) and rational logical reasons and arguments will further her feelings.
Give her what she asked for. Give her time and space.
Divorce Busting is pretty counterintuitive. A lot of the advice and suggestions will feel wrong at first. However, it gives your best chance at saving your marriage.
That being said, the first and foremost item of importance is you. DB will save you!
Focus on you. Get a life (GAL).
W has made an announcement of divorce and fired you as husband. Let her be. Let go the rope or be dragged. Detach.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself at the present moment.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i feel so alone and isolated. i am in agony and the only thing keeping me going is my daughter. i will not leave her without a father.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i dont want to die but i dont want to be alive. i am so afraid its going to be too much to handle.
Breathe.
Just focus on that.
I understand and empathize with where you are and how you feel. You will be ok. It’s going to take some time though. One day at a time. One hour at a time. Heck, during my terrible moments it was minute by minute. Just hang in there, and stick to the path. The quickest way out of the bog is a straight line. Just keeping moving forward.
I don’t know if you believe or not, however I’ve seen plenty of hurting folks and God never places more on us than we can handle. Everyone who has embraced this DB path has risen and overcome that which they felt they never could.
she also has been talking to guys on dating sites after she said she wanted to be alone for a while to work on herself. another lie. im angry at myself because i thought she would miss me and change her mind. im also angry that she couldnt even wait to get divorced.
Most do not wait for divorce. And most are well before any divorce announcement. In fact, at the moment I cannot recall a single situation where there was not an affair. People don’t let go their current branch until they have a new one in their other hand. Even then, some will hang on to both, living in two worlds.
Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Exiting spouses have a hodgepodge of swirling emotions, most of which they’ve buried. Their new shinning life beckons and they are full of excitement and that adamant assuredness.
Time and space.
The LBS needs to step back. Way back. No relationship talks (R-talks). Ever. Realize W will blow out of proportion anything and everything to justify her path. Heck, she’ll even craft a narrative and justifications. You simply cannot fight it head on. She will not hear it nor you.
Time and space. Your two best allies in your cause.
After a while, hopefully, W burns through her feelings and justifications and begins to feel/see - “It’s been a while and aphexx13 hasn’t been bothering me and I’m still unhappy. With some good fortune she might even come to - “hmmm, maybe he isn’t the reason for my unhappiness/depression”. And with even more good fortune, W would start to look inward.
She needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship before she will start to feel emotions more helpful to your cause. Feelings of regret, shame, sorrow, remorse, and so on. All those are pushed aside and buried presently.
You have a bunch of inner work to do as well. And you are fortunate. You aren’t looking for, or embroiled in, an affair. You have your reason and therefore will make much better progress.
You do have the gift of time. Use it wisely.
Become the best version of yourself. A man only a fool would leave.
Any changes you enact do them for you, and not in some attempt to woo W back. Making changes for you will ensure they are permanent and sincere.
Focus on you and the kids. GAL.
Go for walks. Or a run. Ride a bike. Start a hobby. Re-start hobbies you put down after marriage. Do things, not sit around and pine for what was. Exercise is a good one too, as it really helps with depression.
Keep posting. Ask questions. There are many kind and compassionate posters here with much hard-earned wisdom.
Breathe.
And know you are not alone.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Aphexx sorry you're dealing with all of this. However, I'm afraid you are borderline suicidal. Please please please contact a suicide prevention line if you start having worse feelings along those lines.
You left out some details. This is your second marriage.. How many times has your walk away been married? How did that/those marriages end?
How did you two meet? Please feel in as much detail as you possibly can do we can help and assess.
Please be aware, the likelihood of an affair is really high. The pattern is there. So brace yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Glad you found this site. I arrived here back in 09. It is a great place for support.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i feel so alone and isolated. i am in agony and the only thing keeping me going is my daughter. i will not leave her without a father.... i dont want to die but i dont want to be alive. i am so afraid its going to be too much to handle... i suffer from a panic disorder and anxiety..
I agree with Steve, use one of the hotlines. Talk to a live person. This is your number one priority.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i told her that 2 other women blindsided me
You do not have to address this immediately, but focusing on your personal growth should be one of your goals.
Take one day at a time, one hour at time, one minute at a time as needed. The more you can stay in the present, the better. Thoughts of the past or the future are not helpful when going through this.
If there is one thing I have learned from going through this, we can not control or fix the other person. It is hard enough to make changes to ourselves, nearly impossible to change someone else.
So I can only strongly suggest that you take ALL of your focus off of your W and focus on quickly making as many changes as you can to the way you interact with her.
She has lost her attraction for you. And that is Okay. There are new ways to behave that woman in general find attractive, and in turn will have your W second guessing her decision.
This is a long haul process.
We are here for you.
I wish you well.
R2C
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
1. I’d echo the statements about getting help. I’m very concerned about your mental health. You need to go and see your regular doctor and get a referral to a psychologist or counsellor. While you may think divorce busting is about saving your spouse, it’s first and foremost about saving yourself. Don’t wait. Pick up the phone and get some help. In Australia, Medicare will pay for this. Sometimes your work EAP will have access to mental health type services.
2. The veterans above like DNJ and SteveLW and R2C have been here a long time and have seen EVERYTHING. They know the patterns, and are correct - your wife is definitely having an affair. I’m sorry, but that’s just the reality here.
3. Once you start getting your head around points 1 and 2 above, get to work on the links in Cadet’s welcome thread that DNJ has posted above.
Aphexx sorry you're dealing with all of this. However, I'm afraid you are borderline suicidal. Please please please contact a suicide prevention line if you start having worse feelings along those lines.
You left out some details. This is your second marriage.. How many times has your walk away been married? How did that/those marriages end?
How did you two meet? Please feel in as much detail as you possibly can do we can help and assess.
Please be aware, the likelihood of an affair is really high. The pattern is there. So brace yourself.
yes i have started going to a councilor. my current wife was married once before and she had 2 kids with him and pretty much did the same thing to him that she did to me. the only difference is that she was with him for 12 yrs. i later found out that she wanted a divorce from him after 5 yrs but he got cancer and she didnt want to divorce him during that then his mom died after that so she waited another 2 yrs to say she wanted a divorce he doesnt believe in divorce so she felt like she had to cheat on him to force his hand. that was a flag there because you cant make someone stay married to you. i later found out by accident that she had been cheating on him for half of the marriage.
we met online she had been divorced for 6 months. we had a 10 hr first date and really connected quick. i moved in with her after 4 months we got engaged after 6 months. we had a bit of a dynamic between us im a anxious preoccupied love attachment style while she is a dismissive avoidant or a disorganized attachment in not sure which. she would become very distant and i would chase and then i would get frustrated and back off and she would chase. she tried to break things off 2 months after we got engaged. i talked her out of it and didnt put anymore pressure to get married anymore. she came to me after 2 yrs and told me she was ready to get married. she has clinical depression so she would get in a funk for about 1 month at a time every couple of months. yes the pattern is there and i know shes talking to a guy she met online but they havent gone out yet. she also has been getting backups online in case this guy doesnt work out. she can be very selfish and immature and shes not in reality right now.
Echoing others -- essential that you get immediate support for your self-harm thoughts. Right behind that that you should get more support for your panic attacks and anxiety. I've been there with you. When it seems that you can't possibly bear the suffocating pain anymore. But, I promise you that you can get to the other side. One breath, one step, one moment at a time.
You CAN handle this.
We will walk with you.
And there are a lot of other people who love you counting on you to do so, esp. your lil daughter.
Originally Posted by aphex
i only have my 88yr old mom left who is in bad health and my 10 yr old daughter left. my daughter is from another relationship. my daughter and stepdaughter are super close to me and each other. this is going to crush them.
to make things worse i have been on long term disability and only make 60% of my jobs salary. i feel like i cant afford to live now and i need major back surgery.
Do not try to talk your W out of anything. Agree with her 100% about the divorce.
In fact, take the lead on it. 'You know, W, this isn't working for me. I'm not really feeling it anymore watching crime shows with you. In fact, W, I'd like you to move out sooner than later (of the house or bedroom). This isn't really working for me anymore, and I need my space to work on myself the way you've been acting lately and how things are going. Can you please give me your lawyer's name? I have a lot to think about how I will move forward. And I'd like to share their contact info with my attorney. Thanks, I'd appreciate it."
If you have not already, get an attorney -- at least one that will give you a free consult. I know you have been through this before, but as you know you need to protect yourself, your mom, your daughter and stepdaughter.
You cannot let yourself be emotionally steamrolled by her or the situation. Step forward and take the reigns. Lead your own way forward.
Why are you watching a crime show with her when she is (mis)treating you this way? Do you have a boundary that you don't watch TV with people who are cheating on you and busting up your marriage.
When she says things to you like "Don't kill me because I'm divorcing you", it shows a lack of respect. Don't let yourself be disrespected like that -- telling her it is hurtful just reinforces in her the idea that she can walk all over you and you are weak.
Instead, laugh yourself at her hubris/crazy talk and say, hey this situation isn't working for me either. That SHE needs to go because you're just not into her anymore the way she is acting lately. Don't beg or grovel for anything. It's not attractive when your spouse is cheating on you. It's not acceptable. It doesn't work for YOU. It may seem counterintuitive, but it is essential that you enforce your boundary of not abiding someone cheating on you and uphold your value. You don't deserve to be treated like [censored] with no care for your feelings. You are worth so much more.
So long as she is in an affair or pursuing other relationships --
Agree and even LEAD on the divorce -- (or are you ok being married to someone who is cheating on you?)
work on getting her out of the bedroom or even better house / pursuing separate living arrangements where YOU stay n the marital bed
separate accounts, money, credit cards; cut off her access to anything that is yours
start working hardcore on yourself, in all ways that you can : physically (are you able to do any physical therapy or other chiro/acupuncture/pain management activities indicated for your back)?, emotionally, spiritually, mentally
Try to renew those old friendships and hobbies you left by the wayside when you married,
join meetup activity clubs
arrange fun/special outings with your daughter and stepdaughter
help your daughter and stepdaughter spend time with your mom and learn more about her like when she was younger
How do you spend a typical day or week now, given your disability and living arrangements?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Also, you are probably aware of this, but anxious attachment leaves one vulnerable to being mistreated and putting yourself in a submissive/weak position relative to your partner, which can lead to them taking advantage of you, losing respect and attraction for you, etc.
Examples of anxious attachment behaviors from your words 1. Talking her into not breaking off the engagement 2. Begging her not to cheat on and blindside you 3. Telling her you are shellshocked 4. Telling her it was hurtful of her to say that 5. Saying you don't want the divorce
Women want rocks of men who are strong enough to reject their crap behavior and comfortable by themselves or setting aside partners who mistreat them. Because they are sure of their value.
Not men who beg them not to leave them, who beg them not to cheat on them without giving them a heads up, who emote that they are shellshocked and hurt, and who say they don't want to be divorced.
One of your tasks as you DB is to really dig into this anxious attachment with your counselor and yourself. It likely was exacerbated by your previous relationships (and now this one). And to develop a stronger self of self and healthier way of attaching where you are not as vulnerable to anxious attachment behaviors.
They turn women off and, more importantly, are unhealthy for you. I've been there.
Also, possibly see books like No More Mr Nice Guy Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S. The Way of the Superior Man Boundaries (updated) by John Townsend
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Aphexx sorry you're dealing with all of this. However, I'm afraid you are borderline suicidal. Please please please contact a suicide prevention line if you start having worse feelings along those lines.
You left out some details. This is your second marriage.. How many times has your walk away been married? How did that/those marriages end?
How did you two meet? Please feel in as much detail as you possibly can do we can help and assess.
Please be aware, the likelihood of an affair is really high. The pattern is there. So brace yourself.
yes i have started going to a councilor. my current wife was married once before and she had 2 kids with him and pretty much did the same thing to him that she did to me. the only difference is that she was with him for 12 yrs. i later found out that she wanted a divorce from him after 5 yrs but he got cancer and she didnt want to divorce him during that then his mom died after that so she waited another 2 yrs to say she wanted a divorce he doesnt believe in divorce so she felt like she had to cheat on him to force his hand. that was a flag there because you cant make someone stay married to you. i later found out by accident that she had been cheating on him for half of the marriage.
we met online she had been divorced for 6 months. we had a 10 hr first date and really connected quick. i moved in with her after 4 months we got engaged after 6 months. we had a bit of a dynamic between us im a anxious preoccupied love attachment style while she is a dismissive avoidant or a disorganized attachment in not sure which. she would become very distant and i would chase and then i would get frustrated and back off and she would chase. she tried to break things off 2 months after we got engaged. i talked her out of it and didnt put anymore pressure to get married anymore. she came to me after 2 yrs and told me she was ready to get married. she has clinical depression so she would get in a funk for about 1 month at a time every couple of months. yes the pattern is there and i know shes talking to a guy she met online but they havent gone out yet. she also has been getting backups online in case this guy doesnt work out. she can be very selfish and immature and shes not in reality right now.
Thanks for the additional detail. I was afraid her back story was something like this. Also, her history tells you two things: 1. She may have never really wanted to marry you. 2. She has been contemplating leaving you for a very long time.
Aphexx, I'm also going to say that it's highlyy likely this guy online is further along than you think. And likely there have been others before him. She's very likely addicted to limerance. I've seen this pattern with my wife.
The"funks" you describe are likely the end of an emotional affair. It goes like this:
She meets someone online. It's new, fresh, exciting. She is happy as her limerance addiction is getting a fix. Her endorphins are soaring. You think she's happy with you. Then the emotional affair grows old. Maybe the distance is a blocker (he lives in another state, etc). Maybe the EAP finds someone new, closer etc.. Or maybe the EAP got what he wanted (pictures, video, cybersex) and is on to his next conquest. Or maybe the EAP got caught by his SO, or is afraid he will, or actually grows a conscience (rare). Regardless he pulls away or outright pulls the plug on the EA. She goes into a funk. You think it's her depression. Actually she is mourning the loss of the AP. She comes out of it after a few weeks and goes back on the prowl, and the entire process begins again.
I saw this happen twice in my own marriage. The realization that your wife is mourning the loss of another guy is brutal. But you have to face that reality.
Here's the thing Aphexx. You need to DB your butt off. Don't feel sorry for yourself, you ignored a lot of red flags to get to where you currently are. So you have culpability in this as well. GAL like a madman. Keep reading, learning and improving (good job on the IC, now your first assignment is to learn that you deserve better than all of this), and work on detaching emotionally from her. You have a lot of work to do on that last one considering your comments about not wanting to live. You have a lot to live for (kids!) and she frankly doesn't deserve your anti -Aphexx emotions!
Finally, learn that in order to have a successful lasting marriage, it requires 2 healthy, fully formed individuals. That's your goal, become a healthy (mentally and emotionally) fully formed individual capable of living up to your half of that equation. You have no control over whether she becomes that, but you have to require that of your next relationship partner. Whether that is with her or someone new. Remember, you need to have an expectation that you will not settle for anything less than a healthy, fully formed individual for your next relationship. Not having that requirement will mean you end up right back here sometime in the future. (Remember, your current marriage is over. Even if you end up reconciling with her, it's a brand new relationship where you have boundaries and requirements that you will not compromise on!)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
aphexx, welcome to the boards. Sorry you're here but there are lots of very generous and experienced folks here who will be enormously helpful to you. Please listen carefully to their input.
Originally Posted by bustorama
Women want rocks of men who are strong enough to reject their crap behavior and comfortable by themselves or setting aside partners who mistreat them. Because they are sure of their value.
Not men who beg them not to leave them, who beg them not to cheat on them without giving them a heads up, who emote that they are shellshocked and hurt, and who say they don't want to be divorced.
This is very good advice from bust but it will be very difficult to practice at first. In your fear-driven desperation you will feel compelled to plead and negotiate, looking for any sign that your W is attracted to you or willing to work on the marriage. Ignore the impulse to do these things. Come up with a solid plan: "the next time I feel compelled to talk to my wife about the relationship, I'll go for a walk/do fifty pushups/call a friend" - whatever it is, develop these habits now. I speak from experience: at one time I followed my W around like a puppy dog, wrote her love letters, and planned alone time that she didn't want, all in an effort to bring things back to "normal". All that time she was hiding the fact that she had a PA from me. Your W (and mine) knows you are "desperate" to keep her around. The first 180 you can do for yourself is disengage from her.
Boundaries - not tolerating a woman who wants to walk all over you - are a whole different exercise and take practice. At first your boundaries won't mean anything because your W doesn't value you, so instead I suggest focusing on the harmful things you need to stop doing, as bustorama pointed out.
I know from experience that all of this takes time, so be patient with yourself. And as Steve suggested, get a life! Find time to spend with friends, family, etc. Sometimes that is not an option - many of us were so devoted to our MR that we didn't have much of a life outside of it. So build one! Reconnect with friends you haven't spoken with in a while, or at the very least just leave the house and go sit at the library, local restaurant, whatever. I take a weekly yoga class and while I don't do it with friends, it gives me an opportunity to talk to (attractive female) strangers. You need to create physical distance on a regular basis so you can think clearly and begin to see yourself as separate from your W again.
I'm writing all of this from the perspective of someone who has gone through it for 2-3 years. When I first sensed that my MR was in trouble I panicked: my entire social life revolved around my marriage and I told myself if it ended I would be a lonely single loser. This was only true in my own head, and I spent the next couple of years building a life away from my "MR circle". 2 years after that period I discovered DB and kept the momentum going. My MR is still up in the air, but my life isn't. I have and continue to GAL and reap those rewards. My W had cast me in the role of "boring, uptight husband" to her "fun, party animal wife". But the more time I have spent with people who I connect with, the easier it's been to rebuild my old sense of self.
Take it one day at a time - one hour at a time, if you need to. And keep posting here.
I ended up in the hospital Tuesday morning with a pulmonary embolism. luckily my heart is fine and i don't have any clots in my legs. they couldn't find a reason where the blood clot came from but they think my sedentary lifestyle because of my disability. and after i got blindsided by my wife wanting divorce i was even less active so that didnt help. As soon as my wife heard that i had a pulmonary embolism she left work and came to the hospital and stayed with me every day until i was discharged. she was acting like the woman i married. her brother died from a pulmonary embolism 2 years ago so i think this triggered her. yesterday before i was discharged the hospital called my wifes phone to talk about some free resources. my wife handed me her phone to talk to them and in her haste to give me the phone she didnt close her text message conversation. when i got the phone there was the conversation right in front of me with a new guy shes talking to and it was very intimate conversation with him. i was in shock my wife realized her mistake and jumped up and grabbed the phone to close the text message. after i got through with the phone call she wasnt talking about it so i confronted her about it. she claims it started as a distraction and it wasnt serious but she wasnt going to stop talking to him.
before i got admitted to the hospital my wife had plans to spend the night with her girlfriend tonight and come home saturday. now she said she is canceling because she didnt want to leave me alone overnight so she is going to spend the day tomorrow with her friend and come home. before i went into the hospital my thoughts was she was going on a date with the guy she is talking to and depending on how it went go spend the night with her friend. now i think she is going to see her friend in the afternoon and going on a date after that with this guy.
this morning I was in the bathroom and i saw a text message to a new guy that she is meeting up with tomorrow night after she sees her friend. so now shes got multiple men going on. She did the same thing with her last husband only worse. I told her that im still hurting from the shock of the divorce and the thought of her with another man already is just as painful. how can she miss me or have second thoughts about divorce if she has all these men to take her mind off of it? i think thats why she does this.
Im sick to my stomach over this. yesterday i was so depressed in the hospital i wanted to die. i had a sliver of hope after seeing how she was taking care of me in the hospital but it was destroyed after seeing that text and then this one this morning. Here i am sitting home alone with oxygen to my nose with a pulmonary embolism i almost wish it would have killed me. She claims shes still grieving our marriage but shes grieving differently than i am.
how do i get the thoughts of her with this guy tomorrow night? its eating me up inside. i think shes cold for not postponing the date with this guy until my health is better knowing what its doing to me. I feel like im back at day 1. i had quit thinking of suicide as much until yesterday now its back .
2. Her coming to the hospital in a hurry is driven by guilt
3. You absolutely need to get mental health support. I (and others) already suggested that and I can’t see where you’ve taken that advice. Is there an employee assistance program you can access? Can you see your regular doctor to discuss thoughts of self harm? Do you have a crisis number in your area for mental health?
well i made it another day. i see my councilor monday. i was so ready to leave last night but my daughter keeps me strong. any advice on how to deal with the feelings of her being with another man? i tend to obsess over things so im stuck in a negative loop.
well i made it another day. i see my councilor monday. i was so ready to leave last night but my daughter keeps me strong. any advice on how to deal with the feelings of her being with another man? i tend to obsess over things so im stuck in a negative loop.
You have to stay busy. Sitting and stewing is a recipe for failure.
What are you doing to keep yourself occupied?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Is it wrong of me to want my wife to be miserable like i am right now. she went on her date last night with this new guy. she told me she was out with her girlfriend but i know better. she did come home which surprised me because she was going to spend the night. she didnt seem that happy when she got home and she ended up sleeping the whole day. shes been texting this guy right in front of me all day. shes all happy and couldnt be better. meanwhile im on oxygen taking blood thinners from my blood clot in my lung not to mention i feel like dying from the depression and betrayal. i doesnt seem fair.
any advice on how to deal with the feelings of her being with another man? i tend to obsess over things so im stuck in a negative loop.
Detachment is when your emotions are no longer uncontrollably dragged around by W’s words, behaviours, and/or actions.
The key things here is uncontrollably. You will still feel hurt and sorrow, just not uncontrollably. You will be able to exert influence and control over self and your outlook.
You are correct, this getting dragged around is amplified from the feedback loop. Interrupt the loop, and you get some peace. Break the loop, and you find detachment and eventually indifference.
How?
First off, a few underpinnings or foundation which upon you build.
You have four realms or paths: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual.
You can only control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. That’s it. Three things. Everything else is only influenced.
Now, the physical realm is directly controllable. You can directly take ownership of your actions and reactions to stimulus or intention. You can choose to do or do not.
The intellectual realm is likewise directly controllable. Your thoughts. You can control them. You can steer them. The intellectual realm is also devoid of feelings. This is a land of logic and reason. Of language. Of rationalization. Very important to realize this.
The emotional realm is where your feelings are born, reside, and extinguish. This is not directly controllable. Your subconscious rules this realm. Feelings are temporary. Feelings are quick to rise and quick to extinguish. Feelings are fleeting, unless they are reinforced.
The spiritual realm is your stronghold of your beliefs, values, and convictions. These tenets of your’s do not change quickly. This landscape is slowly alterable. When one gets their values organized and straightened out, they make excellent headings for life and life’s decisions. (Unlike following fleeting feelings.)
Interestingly, language. It is difficult to describe emotions or beliefs or faith. The intellectual realm, language is easy. The others not so much. As an example, it takes a lot to describe forgiveness or love; and we still don’t quite capture the true essence of it.
Only your physical and intellectual paths are directly consciously controllable. That is not to say that that other influences and interactions do not hold sway. If you touch a hot stove, your reflexes pull back your hand before you think to it. Your emotional realm can and does affect your physical realm/self.
Likewise your emotions affect your thinking and your beliefs. Although, a lone feeling will extinguish far too quickly to alter your beliefs. However, long term repeated feelings - rise, reinforcement, extinguishing, and resurrection - of feelings will affect one’s convictions.
Beliefs also affect and have a profound deep influence upon all the other paths. When one is calm enough to listen.
Basically, all four paths interact and subconsciously influence each other. At various rates and strengths.
Back to control. Thoughts, actions, and reaction. Two paths: Physical and Intellectual. With those two controllable paths you can affect and direct and influence your journey and healing.
A quick example of how your control can influence your subconscious self/paths:
Smile.
Do it. A nice big smile. Curve your lips way up. Show some teeth too.
Relax,
Good.
Now, frown.
Deep pouting frown. Really drawn down the edges of your mouth. Furrow your brow as well.
Relax.
Good.
When you smiled you felt better. Even some happiness.
When you frowned you felt sad.
You directly controlled your actions, which in turn influenced and altered your emotional state.
Notice how quickly your feelings sparked to life when smiling and how quickly that feeling extinguished when you stopped smiling. Feelings are incredibly fleeting, when not reinforced.
If look closely you will also see that your thoughts are likewise influence by your physical actions. Smiling/positive action begets positive thoughts. Negative begets negative. Such is influence.
Your intellectual realm is your kingship in all this. You can directly control it, and even easily influence it. Logic and reason. Devoid of emotions. Your thoughts. Your intellect.
This is the biggest part of letting go / detaching - rationalizing. Everyone requires a certain amount of rationalizing, of understanding, before they will let go. Perfectly normal. And it takes time and purposeful effort.
However, some things respond well to head on, and others to a more sideways approach. Breaking that feedback loop is one of the “best to come at it sideways” things.
That loop is your feelings. Your emotions. This is a significant fact. Do not gloss over it. They are your emotions. No one else’s. In fact, anything you feel, is your’s. And therefore you own it, you have responsibility for it. And you can therefore influence it.
Emotional ownership is unfortunately not widespread or widely promoted. It’s commonplace for folks to blame their feelings on the actions of others. What a crock! Oh, they said a something I don’t agree with, so I can get mad and make a scene. Nope, that person is just emotionally immature. Social media is full of such feedback and promoting. All of which is programming society.
Well, you know better. And that is a necessary step in anything - seeing, understanding. Any change or project or whatever, the first step is imagination. You have to be able to envision what it is you’re striving for. Detachment. Ownership over self.
So, dealing with theyour feelings of her being with another man.
It’s a bit sideways and bit frontal assault and a lot of shift your focus on to that which you control.
Focus on you. GAL. Do something. (Remember how the smile affected you.) Exercise is a really good thing by the way. Loads of feel good chemicals, helps your health, and promotes better sleep.
Oh yes, I do promote good nights sleeps. Terrible nights sleeps compound and summate upon each other.
Control your thoughts. I know we all blame ourselves at the beginning. Rationalize this. Like why would we take on such blame? Your W’s choice has little to nothing to do with you. Seriously.
Just like how your feelings are your’s. Her feelings are her’s. She is responsible for how she feels. Sure she blames and projects upon you. All us LBS get that from our spouses. Thing is, you just ain’t that powerful. You cannot control her. Nor control what she feels. No one can control what someone else feels.
Rationalize.
You didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her.
Let go.
The loop is trigger, feeling, coupled to an event or place, which in turn triggers and repeats. The coupling of triggered feeling to some basically non-related event or place is the heart of unhealthy attachment. The heart of why we get dragged around. Rationalize and uncouple it. Thus breaking the loop, and finding detachment.
Along with that, one focuses on themselves and that which they do control. They do things. All of which lessens and interrupts the reinforcement of the hold and strength of that non-rational coupling.
Do not wander down memory lane looking at old pictures and such. You’ll get lost and reinforce your pain and anguish. Control the self. Put all that away.
You can take pictures down of the walls. So they are not staring at you and your subconsciousness.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
Is it wrong of me to want my wife to be miserable like i am right now.
It normal to feel like that.
However, control. Don’t reinforce those subconscious feelings. Their influence upon you does not serve you.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i feel like dying from the depression and betrayal. i doesnt seem fair.
Yep, it’s not fair.
At the moment, W is excited for her new shinny life and would literally step over you to get it.
My XW drop her bomb at Thanksgiving supper. After supper and just before pumpkin pie, she stood up and announced to me, our four kids (and future DIL), and my parents that she was leaving. That she had a boyfriend. That I was to have sole custody - “DnJ you get the house, the cars, and the kids. Unless you don’t want them then I guess I’ll have to take them”.
In an instant, it was sheer pandemonium around the table. So many reactions. I was utterly shocked. My Dad, two of my sons, the GF (now DIL), became angry. Like, furious angry! My other son had breathing problems and went outside. My daughter was shocked and crying. My Mom was sitting stunned.
No warning. No talks. No incline of this bombshell from W. In fact, we had an excellent T-day full of fun and games. W and I held hands, even sat side by side, leg to leg, when all nine of us were playing cards.
Two and a half hours after her grand announcement, W walked into the darkness, down our 1400 foot lane to OM’s waiting car.
She burnt her life down around her. Tossed her own children aside like they were old clothes. In the days that followed she returned to pick up a few things. The teen and adult kids were crying and wanting hugs and explanations. W, literally, straight armed them out of her way.
Believe me, I know the horrible pain and torture of betrayal. I wanted to die! I even came close to doing it. Really close.
A hurt psyche manifests actual pain in one’s chest. Hence, heartbreak. My heart/chest hurt. Ceaselessly. Oh my, it felt like it would never end.
I read so much here. And read over and over, from so many folks who came before - you will survive this. You will get past the pain. And it’s true!
I’m 6 1/2 years post BD. I have peace and contentment. And I know and empathize with how dark it currently seems.
Focus on you.
Read, do a puzzle, crossword, whatever physical activity you can handle in your current medical condition.
Rationalize.
Realize you are not alone. Reach out for help. A friend. Family. Doctor. Help line.
Stay strong aph.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
D, I had no idea this was the story of your DDay. I recall looking for your history when I first joined but I think your old threads had been hidden.
I now have a small bit of insight into why your advice seems so profound: you have walked through fire. My God man - I cannot imagine. I have dealt with the pain of my sitch which at times felt endless but I cannot imagine a shock like that.
Aphexx - I hope you take from this post what I did. That feelings are fleeting and will pass, both the good and the bad. And just like the good feelings we all once felt with our spouses have passed so too will the bad ones we must endure now. The cheat code for that process is getting busy. I went skydiving last weekend and I'll tell you something: I was not thinking of W as I was falling to earth at one thousand feet every five seconds. That's an extreme example, but it also applies to reading a book. Hard to think about anything else when you're mind is being occupied.
my counseling session went well i broke down a lot during. we worked on my childhood which is the reason im attracted to distant women and why i feel like i have to be perfect in a relationship or i will be left. weird thing happened tonight my wife came home in a good mood spent a few hrs upstairs making a play list on Spotify to share with her new man so they could listen to music together and text. she came downstairs for dinner fine and went back upstairs once the kids went to bed. a few minutes ago she was laying in bed in the dark on her phone and was very snappy with me. i asked her if i did something wrong and she said no im just emotional and it sounded like she was about to cry. i left her alone because she said she wanted to be alone. im trying to detach but i still love her.
Is it wrong of me to want my wife to be miserable like i am right now. she went on her date last night with this new guy. she told me she was out with her girlfriend but i know better. she did come home which surprised me because she was going to spend the night. she didnt seem that happy when she got home and she ended up sleeping the whole day. shes been texting this guy right in front of me all day. shes all happy and couldnt be better. meanwhile im on oxygen taking blood thinners from my blood clot in my lung not to mention i feel like dying from the depression and betrayal. i doesnt seem fair.
I may have missed it, but how old are your kids, and are they around when she's out all night and sleeping the next day?
Obviously, like everyone else has said, you need to seek mental health. Go see your family doctor and get on an anti depressant or anti anxiety med.
The level of blatant disrespect this woman has for you and your children is downright despicable. You cannot continue to tolerate this. And when she seemed mad, you asked her if YOU did something wrong? It's time for you to find your manhood. The next time she goes out with some guy, throw everything she owns out on the street and change the locks.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
While your sitch feels like a personal catastrophe (it is) there is a blueprint to much of what is happening with your W, which means there is also a blueprint for your behavior. It might not turn things around in your MR but it will save you a lot of agony and heartache.
Ive been doing some reading on ww and waw wives and i believe my wife is a waw. I'm confused because i was the communicator in the relationship and i was checking in a lot on how things were going. i even came up with a weekly check in where we would talk to each other about any problems we had with each other. it didnt last long unless i pushed for it again she was bad at communication. so would she be a ww or a waw?
There was a poster here for years named Sandi2 (I shared some of her links on your thread y'day) who wrote about her view on the difference b/w a WW and a WAW. She herself was a WW and her writing is deeply insightful. Essentially a WAW is one whos needs have not been met in the MR and after years of feeling ignored, decides to file D and leave the relationship. Essentially they give up on things ever getting better. Coach and Greek are two old posters who typify this dynamic - Greek (the W) filed D and Coach (H) woke up to his issues and as a result of him focusing on himself and his problems, they saved the MR
A WW is a woman who betrays her spouse in some way (EA, PA, etc) and engages in acts of rebellion, what Sandi called Girls Gone Wild. These behaviors are normally the result of a loss of respect for her husband that grows into deep resentment and finally acting out.
I'll let the vets weigh in but that my two cents. Your wife sounds like a WW, as is mine.
Everyone requires a certain amount of understanding before they can/will let go. Have faith, as you gain more insights you will shift your focus as well.
Focusing on self, oddly, is not as easy/natural as one would think it to be. It takes some practice, and purposeful effort.
Keep moving forward, on all fronts.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Aphexx, you're focusing on her and not yourself. That's what I tried to get you to see in my last response to you.
A watched pot never boils. Until you take your laser focus off of her you'll never have a chance of even considering reconciliation.
Stay busy. Yes I know you are disabled, but busy is as much in mind as in body.
you're absolutely right. its difficult because we are still in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. we haven't told the kids yet until i find a place. unfortunately my latest health decline set that back and i cant afford normal housing. we still have our family and wedding pics up as to not alert the kids.
im failing miserably. my wifes birthday is tomorrow and she is emotional because her brother passed away a few days after her birthday 2 yrs ago and she still struggles with it. i gave her a hug tonight and got her a card and flowers for her birthday trying to cheer her up. i feel like im digging a deeper hole and pushing her away further. I feel like a idiot right now
im failing miserably. my wifes birthday is tomorrow and she is emotional because her brother passed away a few days after her birthday 2 yrs ago and she still struggles with it. i gave her a hug tonight and got her a card and flowers for her birthday trying to cheer her up. i feel like im digging a deeper hole and pushing her away further. I feel like a idiot right now
You're not an idiot. Birthdays, holidays, etc suck. I'm officially divorced, living separately, etc, and XW's birthday is in a few days. Acknowledging it hasn't even crossed my mind until now. But 5% of me wonders if I should get her a simple card or something, as a gift from our son. I won't though.
I gotta ask, why in the hell are you still allowing her to sleep with you in the marital bed? That should be step #1. Since she no longer honors your wedding vows, she has to sleep elsewhere.
Secondly, and maybe I missed it, but why are YOU moving out? DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE! If you do, you can almost certainly forget about getting equal custody.
As others have said, and I"m sure you've read, you cannot 'nice' her back. Even subconsciously, every 'nice' attempt you make is likely driving her farther away and making her lose more respect from you.
Last edited by Terapin; 01/25/2411:38 AM.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Birthday’s, Christmas, Valentines, and so on, stir up lots of emotions. The first year is quite difficult; with each one being a brand new experience.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
got her a card and flowers for her birthday trying to cheer her up.
W’s birthday is tomorrow. Did you give them to her early? If not, do not.
If you are going to recognize her birthday only get a generic card. Nothing mushy or romantic. And no flowers!!
She is going to push back against any relationship pressure. And love and flowers is some big time pressure (as well as seen as begging and pleading).
Take D10 to the store and let her pick out something for Mom (stepmom). No gift from you.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
we haven't told the kids yet until i find a place.
What’s going on aph?
Why are you moving out?
Whose idea is it for you to move out?
I think you and W have no kids, just kids from previous marriages, so no custody issues. However, moving out is usually ill advised.
Do you joint own the house? Or is it her’s? Or do you two rent?
Speak with a lawyer before doing anything major like moving out. Ensure you know your rights, liabilities, and obligations.
The usual advice is for the LBS to remain in the house and the in MBR. The leaving spouse is the one stepping outside of the marriage. They are the one to leave bedroom and/or house, if one has too.
You are on two paths - the emotional healing path, and the business path. Keep them separate.
Regarding the business side. My advice is: If you need financial protection and/or security, then get it. Otherwise, let W do the heavy lifting.
Do speak to a lawyer. And soon. This is only for information gathering. To learn and understand your rights, and know where you legally stand. One’s actions can have legal repercussions. Knowledge is power! And to be forewarned is to be forearmed.
Having a list of questions written down for the L is a good idea, as they seem to vaporize while in such a meeting under these emotional times. Speak with several lawyers and find one you are comfortable with.
Folks do tend to wait too long before seeking legal understanding in my opinion. In your situation, do you have a will? Is W the primary beneficiary? What about your ten year old daughter? Is she provided for? Is there any arrangements for a trust? Who is listed as trustee until she is of age? (By the way, you don’t have to share any answers you don’t wish to. It’s mostly to get you thinking about the vast legal landscape.)
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
im failing miserably. my wifes birthday is tomorrow and she is emotional because her brother passed away a few days after her birthday 2 yrs ago and she still struggles with it. i gave her a hug tonight and got her a card and flowers for her birthday trying to cheer her up. i feel like im digging a deeper hole and pushing her away further. I feel like a idiot right now
You're not an idiot. Birthdays, holidays, etc suck. I'm officially divorced, living separately, etc, and XW's birthday is in a few days. Acknowledging it hasn't even crossed my mind until now. But 5% of me wonders if I should get her a simple card or something, as a gift from our son. I won't though.
I gotta ask, why in the hell are you still allowing her to sleep with you in the marital bed? That should be step #1. Since she no longer honors your wedding vows, she has to sleep elsewhere.
Secondly, and maybe I missed it, but why are YOU moving out? DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE! If you do, you can almost certainly forget about getting equal custody.
As others have said, and I"m sure you've read, you cannot 'nice' her back. Even subconsciously, every 'nice' attempt you make is likely driving her farther away and making her lose more respect from you.
she wont leave the bed as its hers before i moved in. the only other place for me to go to is the couch and my health wont allow that. we rent the house and when i moved in i foolishly didnt add my name on the lease to save money. technically im not supposed to be living there. we dont have children together she has 2 kids and i have 2 kids from different relationships. my daughter comes over every other weekend. we blended very well and are all very close.
Birthday’s, Christmas, Valentines, and so on, stir up lots of emotions. The first year is quite difficult; with each one being a brand new experience.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
got her a card and flowers for her birthday trying to cheer her up.
W’s birthday is tomorrow. Did you give them to her early? If not, do not.
If you are going to recognize her birthday only get a generic card. Nothing mushy or romantic. And no flowers!!
She is going to push back against any relationship pressure. And love and flowers is some big time pressure (as well as seen as begging and pleading).
Take D10 to the store and let her pick out something for Mom (stepmom). No gift from you.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
we haven't told the kids yet until i find a place.
What’s going on aph?
Why are you moving out?
Whose idea is it for you to move out?
I think you and W have no kids, just kids from previous marriages, so no custody issues. However, moving out is usually ill advised.
Do you joint own the house? Or is it her’s? Or do you two rent?
Speak with a lawyer before doing anything major like moving out. Ensure you know your rights, liabilities, and obligations.
The usual advice is for the LBS to remain in the house and the in MBR. The leaving spouse is the one stepping outside of the marriage. They are the one to leave bedroom and/or house, if one has too.
You are on two paths - the emotional healing path, and the business path. Keep them separate.
Regarding the business side. My advice is: If you need financial protection and/or security, then get it. Otherwise, let W do the heavy lifting.
Do speak to a lawyer. And soon. This is only for information gathering. To learn and understand your rights, and know where you legally stand. One’s actions can have legal repercussions. Knowledge is power! And to be forewarned is to be forearmed.
Having a list of questions written down for the L is a good idea, as they seem to vaporize while in such a meeting under these emotional times. Speak with several lawyers and find one you are comfortable with.
Folks do tend to wait too long before seeking legal understanding in my opinion. In your situation, do you have a will? Is W the primary beneficiary? What about your ten year old daughter? Is she provided for? Is there any arrangements for a trust? Who is listed as trustee until she is of age? (By the way, you don’t have to share any answers you don’t wish to. It’s mostly to get you thinking about the vast legal landscape.)
D
yes we rent and im not on the lease. we were trying to save money by not adding me on the lease plus we have been trying to buy a house for the past 2 years. i was planning on talking to a lawyer then i ended up in the hospital. i have no will but i dont have much resources to even pass down to my daughter.
yes we rent and im not on the lease. we were trying to save money by not adding me on the lease plus we have been trying to buy a house for the past 2 years. i was planning on talking to a lawyer then i ended up in the hospital. i have no will but i dont have much resources to even pass down to my daughter.
Trying to buy a house - Likely some put aside monies.
Not being in the lease - May be some options. (L can provide legal/locale guidance.)
Any life insurance on you? Is daughter the beneficiary? Gosh, I had so many things to alter. Health insurance, life insurance, bills, credit cards, accounts, and so on. Was “jointly” setup. Both of us being authorized users, and each other’s primary beneficiary.
What’s on your itinerary for today? Books, video games, movies, music?
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
yes we rent and im not on the lease. we were trying to save money by not adding me on the lease plus we have been trying to buy a house for the past 2 years. i was planning on talking to a lawyer then i ended up in the hospital. i have no will but i dont have much resources to even pass down to my daughter.
Trying to buy a house - Likely some put aside monies.
Not being in the lease - May be some options. (L can provide legal/locale guidance.)
Any life insurance on you? Is daughter the beneficiary? Gosh, I had so many things to alter. Health insurance, life insurance, bills, credit cards, accounts, and so on. Was “jointly” setup. Both of us being authorized users, and each other’s primary beneficiary.
What’s on your itinerary for today? Books, video games, movies, music?
D
getting my daughter for the weekend today. we are celebrating my wifes bday tomorrow with the kids. going to a movie and dinner with cake after and gifts from the kids. i have to put on my happy face for the kids but its going to be bitter sweet. looking at what im losing will hurt.
finally reaching that angry stage with my wife. shes talking to like multiple guys now and right in front of me. like i dont know whats going on. she really is cruel and its not the same person i fell in love with or married. im pretty sure its a distraction for her to mask the guilt and not think about changing her mind. she also brought home the divorce papers but didnt give them to me yet. i got more bad news at the dr today about my blood clot in my lung and it could be from a blood disorder and more clots may be coming. so i think she felt guilty about giving me the papers yet. shes in such a rush to get divorced and get me out of the house. i feel like ive died and im in hell right now. so many bad things are happening to me in such a short period of time. 1. wife blindsides me with divorce. 2. i cant afford to move out on my own. 3. i land in the hospital with a blood clot in my lung. 4. more bad news about blood clots and my heart. whats next? im almost praying for death in my sleep.
I am sorry to hear this. The most important thing right now is to focus on your health. Everything else is not urgent. Stay strong for your kids. They need you.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
anyone else go through self loathing? i feel like if i didn't have the flaws that my wife saw in me things would be fine. I'm codependent and I'm not ambitious enough right now because since my back injury i had to go on long term disability so i was only bringing in 60% of my salary so that caused a strain on our finances. although my wife didnt help by getting her hair dyed every 3 months that cost 300$ and her nails every month. that put me in a deep depression because i could no longer do physical labor and if i wanted to work again i had to start over and take some courses in computers. starting over at 52 is very scary and im not sure if i would even make it in the computer field. i felt like a failure and my confidence dropped in myself which isn't a attractive feature. right now i wish i wasnt me.
Self loathing, feeling unworthy, feeling not good enough, feeling like a failure, are pretty normal and standard reactions to these traumatic situations. We folks do tend to define ourselves by various external characteristics. Our marital status, and employment, being two of the major ones.
You have been clobbered on both of those fronts. Of course you’re going to feel it. And you’re going to feel like crap.
You recall my post where I asked you to smile? Recall the talking about feelings and influences and paths (physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual)? How feelings are fleeting? And not facts.
Your feelings are true. It’s how you presently feel, how you currently are emotionally responding to stimulus, both external and internal. It’s not forever, though it “feels” like it. (((Hug)))
These emotions are quite a bog to find one’s way through. Dark, entangling, engulfing. Just like a bog, it’s a difficult slog putting one foot in front of the other. Every step takes so much effort to pull your foot out and then splurk it into the next part of the muck and journey.
Remember, the quickest way through is a straight line. Just keep moving forward. The shore is getting closer and closer with each step.
A lot of this movement is rationalizing. Which in turn positively influences and alters one’s emotional state, and therefore their emotional and mental health. Better emotions and mental health, further influence positive thoughts and actions. A much better feedback to loop than the current one.
You can only control three things - your thoughts, actions, and reactions - in which you can affect and direct “all” tenets and paths of your life. We do this, all the time. Wittingly or unwittingly, it happens. And most folks do not have their hands on the wheel, letting their life careen away. You know better.
Be accurate in thought and heart.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i feel like if i didn't have the flaws that my wife saw in me things would be fine.
First off, feelings are valid. Feelings are temporary. Feelings are fleeting when not reinforced. And feelings are not facts!
You are reinforcing and propping up the feedback loop of your wife’s narrative. Cleave that!
When you say “things would be fine”, what do you mean by that? Likely something along the lines, that you feel your marriage would be fine or ok. Again, “feel”.
The rational truth. It takes two to make a marriage. Only one to break it. Even if you had none of these “W professed” flaws, she’d have likely still did what she did. Her feelings, her responsibility. Her choice, her path. She chose to cheat. You didn’t force her to it.
Stop drinking her poison!
Originally Posted by aphexx13
I'm codependent and I'm not ambitious enough right now because since my back injury i had to go on long term disability so i was only bringing in 60% of my salary so that caused a strain on our finances.
Be accurate. What causes a strain on finances is spending more than you can afford. And that is as a couple. For richer or poorer; in sickness and in health. I’m sure you remember something along those lines. Each of you two promised and vowed to help each other (and self) to the benefit of the union.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
although my wife didnt help by getting her hair dyed every 3 months that cost 300$ and her nails every month.
Is she helping? Doing her part?
Self loathing really piles on the blame. Ensure you hold yourself accountable and responsible for only your half/part.
Brining in 60% of your previous salary. This is less than the 40% shortfall it appears. With lower income tax, lower income tax bracket, gas saved from not commuting, saving cost of restaurants meals not consumed, work clothing, union dues, and other work related expenses; it’s more like 80-90% of your previous after tax income.
I retired last year and my pension is around the 60% mark of my work salary. My after tax monies is 93% of what I pulled in while working.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
I'm codependent and I'm not ambitious enough right now because since my back injury i had to go on long term disability…
Split these apart. Remove the justifications/reason.
Codependent. Not ambitious enough.
No “and”. And no “because”.
Look into your codependence. And work on it. This is well within your control and abilities. Make a change to the better. Do not muddy it up by tying it into finances and other stuff.
Ambition. That strong desire to achieve something.
Most struggle with ambition because they don’t “feel” it.
Achieving lofty goals, heck achieving goals, requires determination and hard work. Period. Life hacks, short cuts, the easy way, are all BS! True sincere meaningful achievement of goals comes from true sincere meaningful work and input.
That commitment, that determination, is not fostered in a feeling. Because, say it with me , feelings are fleeting. Any determination fostered by feelings will also be just as fleeting.
Ambition, and its underpinning determination, are rooted in one’s deep convictions. One’s values. One’s beliefs.
To be blunt, most of societal pressures and social media propaganda is eroding people’s values and convictions in hard work and achievement from such.
Reaching a goal through one’s effort is so very rewarding. Believe that. And I mean that literally. Really, believe in that. Find your convictions in such a tenet. And follow it.
Ambition has many obstacles in the emotional realm. Feelings of procrastination and such. Let those flit. Don’t reinforce them. You control your thoughts and actions, which will influence, overwrite, those feelings.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
that put me in a deep depression because i could no longer do physical labor and if i wanted to work again i had to start over and take some courses in computers. starting over at 52 is very scary and im not sure if i would even make it in the computer field.
Financial strain is one trigger of your depression. Realize it is not the “cause”. Just as marital strife, marital status, is not a “cause” of depression.
Depression is a persistent mental state of low mood and aversion to activity. It affects one’s thoughts, their activities, their feelings, it drags them down. While within its clutches it is difficult to find or feel joy or happiness.
The cause of depression is basically loss. And loss is a big field. Loss of marriage, employment, health, status, definition of self, ability to perform what one used to, etc. You’ve got a lot on your plate. Be gentle with yourself. It’s normal to grieve such losses. And depression is a part of that process.
Do realize, depression takes as along as it takes. One doesn’t just snap out of it. Lots of well meaning friends/family/folks may give all manner of advice, yet if one hasn’t been there, hasn’t walked a mile in the shoes, they just don’t get it.
Like I said. It’s a slog. Day by day. Hour by hour.
One day, you will realize something truly amazing. And I mean that in the truest sense of that word. Amazing!
One day, you will hear a bird sing. You will see color. See and hear, again, and somehow for the first time.
You won’t feel it coming. You won’t see it coming. Just one day, you’ll realize that you feel differently. A bit better somehow. And the positivity continues. You’ll climb out of the hole.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i felt like a failure and my confidence dropped in myself which isn't an attractive feature. right now i wish i wasnt me.
Been there.
Depression darkens and colors one’s world gray.
Bird’s song. So beautiful. Such a melody. The color of the sky, the most amazing blue. The leaves, are the most incredible green when they burst forth after a long winter. It was there all along, yet unseen and unheard.
Have faith. You will emerge from this present state. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Starting over is usually seen as scary because we feel we are starting over from scratch, from square one. The truth is we aren’t. Divorce, career, whatever - one is starting over with experience.
At 52, you have a lifetime of experience. Yes, I know and remember, how all that experience is not presently at your fingertips, and is hard to recall or utilize. Gosh, I felt like such an imposter in my life and career after BD. Have faith, that’s is a temporary state. It all comes back!
And you are crafting some truly valuable experience right now. It will pay dividends you simply do not yet realize.
Let go the fear, and look beyond.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
counseling went well today. we are starting to dig into my codependency and unhealed child hood wounds of abandonment. before i met my wife i took 6 years off from dating to work on my boundaries and confidence. my daughters mom who is either a narcissist or sociopath really did a number on me. so after that i decided to work on myself which lasted 6 yrs. i ended up with really good boundaries and regained self confidence. i got on a dating site and the first person i choose was my wife. she was very different in the beginning and i saw no red flags. after a year they started to appear but i let them slide because i thought it was her clinical depression. i think i allowed my boundaries to slide because my core wounds were never dealt with. i eventually lost most of my self confidence especially after i became disabled. i felt like i let my family down by not being able to provide as well as i was before. i talked it out today with my councilor today that becoming disabled wasnt my fault and i was still bringing in money and i had a plan in action to take online courses in computers. i was in limbo with not knowing if i should stay on disability while applying for social security. i wasnt happy with the thought of being on disability for the rest of my life. my wife knew how depressed and unhappy my situation was with staying on disability.
my long term disability company offered free resources for online courses. i started taking the courses at the end of last year. we were struggling last december with finances and i was stressing about how we were going to give the kids a decent Christmas. i told my wife i was going to put my online courses on hold untill the first week of January because i couldnt concentrate with the stress about money and i didnt want to fail the course. this was one of the reasons my wife gave me for the divorce. she said i wasnt being serious about taking the courses to help us get out of debt. my councilor said that was just a excuse because i still had a plan of action and the courses weren't going to provide a job immediately.
another puzzling thing is last week my wife brought the divorce papers home but never gave them to me and took them back to work. she didnt know i saw them.
put my online courses on hold until the first week of January because i couldn't concentrate with the stress about money and i didn't want to fail the course.
How are the courses going?
Glad to read your counselling is going well. Hang in there. Keep doing the inner work.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
well unfortunately between the divorce and my recent health issues my concentration is almost nil. im trying to focus on getting out of the funk and find a place to live. once i get that off of my plate i will start back. ive at least got past the suicide thoughts for now.
so my wife gave me the papers to sign tonight. she wanted me to sign them without filling out division of property. she expects me to just trust her. im not stupid so of course im not. ive got a consultation tomorrow with a lawyer. i will be getting advice from him. my wife got extremely agitated that im going to see a lawyer. she says its not a complicated divorce so i shouldn't need to talk to a lawyer. Im just worried about her retaliating by changing the locks. meanwhile shes going out on a date tomorrow night. i have a codependency meeting tomorrow night so her kids 12 and 16 will be home alone. not that big of a deal but she has this weekend free she could have scheduled her date then since according to her she wants to be alone and spend time with her kids.
Good for you. Yes, see a lawyer. Ensure you know your rights, and get a good/fair deal.
W is eager to push the divorce forward. Let her. You don’t need to place boulders in her way, nor pave her path in gold. Of course, improperly filled out forms won’t cut it. She’s got some work to do before you consider signing. And she might even be more generous in her present state.
Anyhow, give W lots of time and space. Go dim/dark. Go LRT. Let her feel the weight of her choices.
You, focus on you. Live/love your life.
Stay strong man. You got this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
my wife got extremely agitated that im going to see a lawyer. she says its not a complicated divorce so i shouldn't need to talk to a lawyer.
My wife tried this same thing with me. No dice. She wanted to have a lawyer but not me. Her lawyer has not presented me with any kind of draft proposal, and it's been eight months. I think it's safe to say we both want to be out of each other's way at this point, so I don't know why she's dragging her feet. If my lawyer wants to make the first move, that's fine with me at this point.
Look out for your interests; take care of yourself and your health. You are always priority #1 from this point on.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Wayward and walkaway spouses will sometimes try to capitalize on the fact that we're still reeling from the BD or idea of D. As others have said, talk with the attorney you referenced. Talk with 3-4 more that offer free consultations. When I was searching for an L, I got lots of great information from each of the 5 with whom I spoke. Lots of what they shared overlapped, but each offered some unique wisdom about specific topics. Nobody will take care of you as well as you can yourself with the decisions you make for yourself right now. Let your L tell you what best to do in your situation.
my wife and i went over our taxes tonight. my disability check doesnt have taxes taken out so to offset that we were taken extra out of my wifes check every week during last year. we got back some on federal but we owed 250$ state tax. she said that its fair that we split the federal 60/40 me getting 40. and i have to pay the state tax. does this sound fair?
well it looks like divorce is going to proceed. i have moved everything bills and such to my account. the only thing left to do is sign the papers which im doing tomorrow. we are waiting for our taxes to come back so i will be moving out by april 1st. and then it will be no contact for a while other then to get the kids together for a day at the park or movie or something. she already has someone shes talking to so i guess thats it. part of me says good riddance to someone that has treated me this way but i was really hoping to save the marriage. fools hope i think
The 60/40 split of your federal tax refund sounds reasonable. Also, squabbling over a few extra percentage is more headache than it’s worth. Obviously I only know what you’ve shared, and my surmised amount of your refund, and how much say 10% is, just doesn’t make it worth trying to get 50/50.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
well it looks like divorce is going to proceed.
Sorry man.
It takes two to marry, and only one to divorce. A LBS cannot stop a headstrong spouse from exiting. Your STBXW is determined of her path. Let go. Become the new and improved you. Become healed and whole.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i have moved everything bills and such to my account. the only thing left to do is sign the papers which im doing tomorrow.
I imagine the paperwork is pretty straight forward. And you did have a L involved.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i was really hoping to save the marriage. fools hope i think
I do not find hope foolish. You did what you could in effort to salvage, save, restore, your marriage and relationship. W had other plans.
Your efforts, your willingness, your hope, demonstrates who you are. A darn find man, IMHO.
So we get up, dust off, and keep moving forward.
The future is unwritten and unknown. Grab the pen and write your’s in big bold lettering. Make it a great life and story.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The 60/40 split of your federal tax refund sounds reasonable. Also, squabbling over a few extra percentage is more headache than it’s worth. Obviously I only know what you’ve shared, and my surmised amount of your refund, and how much say 10% is, just doesn’t make it worth trying to get 50/50.
i agree its not really worth the stress.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
well it looks like divorce is going to proceed.
Sorry man.
It takes two to marry, and only one to divorce. A LBS cannot stop a headstrong spouse from exiting. Your STBXW is determined of her path. Let go. Become the new and improved you. Become healed and whole.
very true. at least i can finally detatch and move on and foward
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i have moved everything bills and such to my account. the only thing left to do is sign the papers which im doing tomorrow.
I imagine the paperwork is pretty straight forward. And you did have a L involved.
thats correct. shes actually giving me a few things that arent mine so thats a silver lining in this.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i was really hoping to save the marriage. fools hope i think
I do not find hope foolish. You did what you could in effort to salvage, save, restore, your marriage and relationship. W had other plans.
Your efforts, your willingness, your hope, demonstrates who you are. A darn find man, IMHO.
So we get up, dust off, and keep moving forward.
The future is unwritten and unknown. Grab the pen and write your’s in big bold lettering. Make it a great life and story.
D
thanks for the support. its people like you that really help on this site. your words have helped me immensely. thank you.
looking for some advice. Im moving out april 1st and i was going over my budget i basically have like 500$ to pay for rent groceries and gas after i pay all my bills. im looking for a room to rent. i have a car accident settlement coming up in about 2 months. i could get back enough to pay off all my credit card bills, my car. that would free up about 500$. because of my disability i cant do my primary job so im starting over. i need to either find some kind of training or courses for a new career. jobs ive been looking at that i could take online courses would take about 2 yrs. i need something soon to get off of disability so i can make more then 2218$ a month. any advice would be helpful. my stbxw really screwed me by divorcing me in the middle of this transition while im disabled and starting over in a new job field.
I too am wondering if you’re eligible to alimony/support from STBXW. It sounds like you would be with what you’ve shared.
Anyhow, on to the meat of your present financial conundrum.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
Im moving out april 1st and i was going over my budget i basically have like 500$ to pay for rent groceries and gas after i pay all my bills.
To clarify, $1718 (2218-500) of monthly expenses not related to rent, groceries, or gas. So car loan, credit cards, other loans, and other liabilities.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i have a car accident settlement coming up in about 2 months. i could get back enough to pay off all my credit card bills, my car. that would free up about 500$.
A $500 savings due to credit cards and car payments would likely equate to around a $20000 settlement. I estimated the car would be middle of its term and credit cards were of course high interest.
With your credit cards and car loan paid off, that would place your other loans and liabilities at $1218/month. That’s a $60000 loan over 5 years.
Are these other liabilities solely your’s? Or were they joint? If joint, are only taking on your share?
It sounds like your disability payment is garnished if you have other sources of employment income. If that is not the case, then any income is extra and welcomed. However, even if additional income is subtracted from your disability, employment would provide more than the $13.86/hr full time equivalent you are currently receiving.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
im looking for a room to rent.
Your amount available for accommodations is limited. You could consider a roommate to perhaps afford more than a basement room/suite.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
jobs ive been looking at that i could take online courses would take about 2 yrs.
It sounds like you are willing and eager to work. Find employment that does not exacerbate your injury/recovery. Almost anything will provide a better income stream than you are presently receiving. While working and paying down your loans, take that online training/courses. In time, progress to better and better jobs or promotions. Pay off debts, acquire savings, good credit history, a better rental, then a house, a mortgage, and so on.
Starting over svcks! Yet, you are not starting from square one. You’ve got a lifetime of experience and wisdom to draw upon.
We miss 100% of the pitches we don’t swing at. Face this. Swing. Keep swinging. And knock it out of the park!
I believe in you man. You got this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I too am wondering if you’re eligible to alimony/support from STBXW. It sounds like you would be with what you’ve shared.
we have only been married for less then 3 years so i dont qualify for that.
Anyhow, on to the meat of your present financial conundrum.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
Im moving out april 1st and i was going over my budget i basically have like 500$ to pay for rent groceries and gas after i pay all my bills.
To clarify, $1718 (2218-500) of monthly expenses not related to rent, groceries, or gas. So car loan, credit cards, other loans, and other liabilities.
yes credit card bills which are mine. she has her own credit cards which are the same amount of debt as mine. car payment which is almost paid off. car insurance, cell phone and child support from my last relationship. they add up to 1532.00$
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i have a car accident settlement coming up in about 2 months. i could get back enough to pay off all my credit card bills, my car. that would free up about 500$.
scratch that i went over them and if i paid off my credit card debt and car payment it would save 711$ a month
A $500 savings due to credit cards and car payments would likely equate to around a $20000 settlement. I estimated the car would be middle of its term and credit cards were of course high interest.
my lawyer said the demand is 100,000$ insurance companies never accept the initial offer so its more then likely going to be less then that. im hoping for at least enough to pay off my debts and have 10000$ left over for a nest egg. my credit card debt is 13000$. my car loan is 1800$
With your credit cards and car loan paid off, that would place your other loans and liabilities at $1218/month. That’s a $60000 loan over 5 years.
i dont have any other loans. 821$ is my liabilities for the month. that leaves me 1397$ for rent, groceries, gas and my medications.
Are these other liabilities solely your’s? Or were they joint? If joint, are only taking on your share?
they arent joint.
It sounds like your disability payment is garnished if you have other sources of employment income. If that is not the case, then any income is extra and welcomed. However, even if additional income is subtracted from your disability, employment would provide more than the $13.86/hr full time equivalent you are currently receiving.
its not garnished and my long term disability doesnt allow me to have any additional income. thats why i want off of it. social security is still pending. if i get approved for that i can work part time but has a cap which would equal what i make now so social security wont help.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
im looking for a room to rent.
Your amount available for accommodations is limited. You could consider a roommate to perhaps afford more than a basement room/suite.
im hoping for something like that.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
jobs ive been looking at that i could take online courses would take about 2 yrs.
It sounds like you are willing and eager to work. Find employment that does not exacerbate your injury/recovery. Almost anything will provide a better income stream than you are presently receiving. While working and paying down your loans, take that online training/courses. In time, progress to better and better jobs or promotions. Pay off debts, acquire savings, good credit history, a better rental, then a house, a mortgage, and so on.
Starting over svcks! Yet, you are not starting from square one. You’ve got a lifetime of experience and wisdom to draw upon.
We miss 100% of the pitches we don’t swing at. Face this. Swing. Keep swinging. And knock it out of the park!
I believe in you man. You got this.
D
thanks for the help and support
Last edited by DnJ; 02/29/2406:09 AM. Reason: Added color for clarity of responses.
You need to speak to a lawyer. I’m not sure where you are located by being married for 2 years shouldn’t disqualify you from spousal support or alimony. Spousal support is for before the divorce, alimony is for after. You having disabilities, even if they are temporary is the exact reason for support and alimony.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
we signed the divorce papers and im ok with the outcome. one thing we fought over was a cat. we have 3 and this one has always been closest to me. i kind of caved in a little because she is attached to the other 2 cats and my wifes kids. i may have to rent a room until i get back on my feet, and some places dont allow animals.
i feel like [censored] for opting to leave my cat. i think its for the best as i dont want to drag her out of a place shes use to, and be cooped up in 1 room i have to rent. im sure she will miss the other 2 cats as well and the kids. im very conflicted on how i feel. she will miss me as well, and i feel like im abandoning her.
Last edited by DnJ; 03/05/2403:40 PM. Reason: Removed swear word.
If you only have a room to rent, you need to focus on what’s important and, though I do feel for you, and an sympathetic to the cat situation, what are you going to do about your children you have every other weekend?
What made you decide to take all of the bills, not get alimony or support of any kind, not have the property division set up, but sign the papers anyway?
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Signing divorce papers, seeing your names written upon the document, stirs up more grief and feelings. Getting the agreement officially complete by courts/judge, brings about some more too.
Be gentle on yourself and realize these too are temporary feelings. Be extra vigilant for the next while when making major decisions/changes. A bit of purposeful effort and your intellect and reason will be more front and center. Personally, I find that kind of cool, realizing and adjusting our self’s priorities like that.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i feel like [censored] for opting to leave my cat. i think its for the best as i dont want to drag her out of a place shes use to, and be cooped up in 1 room i have to rent. im sure she will miss the other 2 cats as well and the kids. im very conflicted on how i feel. she will miss me as well, and i feel like im abandoning her.
Perfectly normal to feel such. This is a loss, a significant loss, you will grieve that companionship. Yet, you know why you made the decision. The reasoning is sound, and the decision is the best one out of the choices you had.
Stay strong and keep moving forward.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
If you only have a room to rent, you need to focus on what’s important and, though I do feel for you, and an sympathetic to the cat situation, what are you going to do about your children you have every other weekend?
What made you decide to take all of the bills, not get alimony or support of any kind, not have the property division set up, but sign the papers anyway?
im looking at a room where the female owner is ok with my daughter staying in a room across from mine when she is with me that is set up for a girl for when her friends little girl would visit with her.
the lawyer i spoke to said that getting the divorce over with before i get my settlement would be best. i didnt have the money to hire a lawyer. we divided the property up fairly and she gave me some stuff that she didnt have to. we thought it would be a long shot for support from her. if i can get enough back from my settlement i will be able to pay off all my debt and have a small nest egg. i dont want my wife to get half of that so the quicker i get this over the better.
You need to speak to at least one other lawyer. From what I've read, you're entitled to alimony, child support, etc. Do not think for one second that if the situation were reversed, your W wouldn't go after it.
You may want to get this over with as quickly as possible. But the decisions you're making right now are going to affect you and your kids for the rest of your life. No offense, but you've got much bigger things to worry about than your cat.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
You need to speak to at least one other lawyer. From what I've read, you're entitled to alimony, child support, etc. Do not think for one second that if the situation were reversed, your W wouldn't go after it.
You may want to get this over with as quickly as possible. But the decisions you're making right now are going to affect you and your kids for the rest of your life. No offense, but you've got much bigger things to worry about than your cat.
we dont have any children together. ive actually talked to 3 different lawyers and they have said about the same thing.
You need to speak to at least one other lawyer. From what I've read, you're entitled to alimony, child support, etc. Do not think for one second that if the situation were reversed, your W wouldn't go after it.
You may want to get this over with as quickly as possible. But the decisions you're making right now are going to affect you and your kids for the rest of your life. No offense, but you've got much bigger things to worry about than your cat.
we dont have any children together. ive actually talked to 3 different lawyers and they have said about the same thing.
Ok, I misread your opening post.
I can't believe you're not entitled to alimony. What does she do for a living? I know the family courts are extremely biased against men, but still.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Just remember if you end it your ex will carry on like nothing happened. You'd be letting her have power over you, the best way to show her what she lost is to be the best version of herself and have her live with the regret of losing the one that got away. It's hard at this moment for you but you will overcome this, do any sort of strenuous physical activity, it will do wonders for your mind and body, it will give you confidence, make you physically stronger, help you sleep. The road can be long and arduous but the journey makes us all stronger when we've arrived where we want to be. Get a therapist asap if you haven't already. There is nothing wrong with you, your ex chose a bad path but you are a good person. I've been in the same place as you, I've called crisis centre 2-3 times, ended up in rehab after passing out in emergency from alcohol withdrawal with superficial high blood pressure, I've stood at the train tracks thinking about it, it's not worth it. It will get better, I promise you Find a good friend and talk about things, do things you've always wanted to try. I too am in the same boat, no children and have to restart my life from scratch. If you are religious say or write down a prayer, if you have trouble sleeping take melatonin, it has worked wonders for me, it helps calm anxiety and calms down your heart, whatever you do don't drink your pain away it makes things worse.
Last edited by Catman19; 03/07/2412:51 PM. Reason: Mistakes
You need to speak to at least one other lawyer. From what I've read, you're entitled to alimony, child support, etc. Do not think for one second that if the situation were reversed, your W wouldn't go after it.
You may want to get this over with as quickly as possible. But the decisions you're making right now are going to affect you and your kids for the rest of your life. No offense, but you've got much bigger things to worry about than your cat.
we dont have any children together. ive actually talked to 3 different lawyers and they have said about the same thing.
Ok, I misread your opening post.
no worries. i do have a 11 yr old daughter but she is from another relationship.
I can't believe you're not entitled to alimony. What does she do for a living? I know the family courts are extremely biased against men, but still.
she works in payroll. the thing that hurts me from getting spousal support is i have a monthly income. our length of marriage. she makes more then i do but its not quite enough more to make a difference. like you said the courts are extremely biased against men. if i spend all my resources on a lawyer and things not go my way i would lose half of my settlement to her. i did have a few things that might help me get support. she blindsided me with the divorce giving me no time to prepare and im disabled and i would need to learn a new profession to work. at best i would get temporary help. it would be a huge gamble for me. if i lost i would be in a worse position then im in now.
so really tuff day today. we did a lot of packing this last weekend mainly my daughters room that she was sharing with my step daughter. everyone was sad except of course my wife she was more annoyed and icy cold to everyone. even her own kids. i have been searching for a room to rent and i have some leads and ive turned down some rooms because it wasn't a good fit for me and my daughter. one room fell through that would have been perfect. really nice lady but she is having health problems.
im only going to need to rent a room for at most 3 months or less. my settlement will be in by then and im going to be able to get a 2 bedroom apartment. it was a tuff day because im still grieving the divorce and im back at the depression stage. last week i was back on the bargaining stage wishing my wife would change her mind then i got a wake up call over the weekend seeing how cold and nasty she can be and it reminded me of why i havent been happy the last year.
i talked with my councilor on monday and we discussed how unsentimental she is. i can understand her not wanting pictures of us together but its like she wants no memory of us at all. how can you be with someone for over 5 yrs and not feel any sort of loss or sadness. i dont want to be with the person she is right now but i still love and will miss the person i fell in love with and married. if i could show how many cards and letters she wrote me over the 5 years up to 2 months before she said she was divorcing me it would be a small book of how i was her rock and how much love she had for me. how does that just disappear?
I was very depressed today looking at rooms for rent and the feeling of how alone i will be again. its like she cant wait to get rid of me and out of the house. i dont really want to be here either because it reminds me of all that im losing. but im not nasty about it she has been on a warpath since the weekend treating everyone in her wake with contempt even her kids and even her golden child. she seems so miserable. she acts like she has been done so dirty by me and its the complete opposite. I never abused her in any way i treated her fairly and like my equal. i never cheated on her or ignored her needs. i stood by her depressive episodes and supported her ideas. my faults were being to clingy and making her my life. i thought i was being a good husband by putting my marriage first. in reality it was our dysfunctional love attachment styles that was the issue. if she wasnt being so dismissive/ avoidant i wouldnt have been so clingy trying to figure out what was wrong. she hardly would communicate her feelings so i had to fill in the blanks which isnt healthy. she also claimed i isolated her because of jealousy. thats not a fact i never had a problem with her hanging out with her friends. i was jealous over the amount of quality time she gave one of her male friends. she would go out to dinner with him he would pay and then they would hang out listening to music in her or his car for like 6 hrs they bonded over the same music taste. my complaint was i hardly ever got that much time with her. i never told her she couldnt hang out with him. i only wanted to have some good quality time with her.
she quit hanging out with him as much and blamed me because she didnt want to hear me complain. all i asked for was a good date night where we could hangout together and bond over dinner or good conversation. her idea of quality time was to share space as we watched a tv show or movie which most of the time i didnt get a say in what we watched. on her dating profile she wrote that her first husband was a abusive narcissist who made her feel bad about herself and her second husband me put her on a pedestal and was smothering and isolated her out of jealousy. I felt like a toy that she kept on a shelf and only played with when she felt like it.
i should be the one pissed off. she blindsided me with divorce at the absolute worst time in my life. im on disability starting over with a new career and barely any money to live on. she also knew how depressed i was about being on disability and starting over before she blindsided me. she also lied for who knows how long about her feelings and promised me she would never do that. bottom line is she is a very selfish cruel person.
anyways i know im rambling now. counseling has showed me that yes i do have issues with trusting people and my unhealed childhood trauma has caused me to be to clingy when things arent going perfect. my father was very distant and gave me a lot of abandonment issues and feeling like its all my fault which causes a anxious / preoccupied love attachment but the problem is i keep attracting distant and emotionally unavailable partners and that triggers my issues because they dont communicate. i dont know how many times i told my wife that all she had to do when shes in a bad mood to diffuse my triggers is talk to me and communicate if shes having a bad day unrelated to me just tell me or if ive done something how can we resolve it. or communicate that she needs time and follow through with coming to me when shes ready and not sweep it under the rug.
I keep swinging back and forth from hopelessness about my future to feeling like i will meet someone right for me and get a new career and be able to live.
the other thing i dont understand is she was so pushy on getting the divorce papers signed and ready to go but now they are and she has yet to file them. what is she waiting for?
stop wasting your time trying to figure out the whys and what’s next.
You need to focus on yourself before you find yourself homeless. You should also be glad she didn’t file the paperwork and you need to go for temporary spousal support.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
i talked with my councilor on monday and we discussed how unsentimental she is. i can understand her not wanting pictures of us together but its like she wants no memory of us at all. how can you be with someone for over 5 yrs and not feel any sort of loss or sadness. i dont want to be with the person she is right now but i still love and will miss the person i fell in love with and married. if i could show how many cards and letters she wrote me over the 5 years up to 2 months before she said she was divorcing me it would be a small book of how i was her rock and how much love she had for me. how does that just disappear?
Disappear is pretty apt.
Her feelings, the love, is being buried by her. She is wilfully and unsentimentally removing things and people from her life. All in an attempt to ease whatever suffering she feels.
Disappeared, not destroyed.
However, any possible reappearance is quite a ways down the road. She has a journey ahead of her. So do you. Like we all do.
Thing is, for now, W is adamantly professing her lack of feelings and her rewriting of your shared history. You know better. Remember your history, and realize her current feelings are her current viewpoint. And you cannot control her feelings or how she views things or recalls things.
Her justifications and blames directed at you are not accurate. Certainly, there is stuff you could have done better and things you fell short on. Own them. Grow from them.
However, there is also plenty that W is crafting and outright making up to justify her choice.
Along with all that, you are looking fondly at your history, while she is looking non-favourably. Removing your rose coloured glasses will help you. For example:
Originally Posted by aphexx13
she also claimed i isolated her because of jealousy. thats not a fact i never had a problem with her hanging out with her friends. i was jealous over the amount of quality time she gave one of her male friends. she would go out to dinner with him he would pay and then they would hang out listening to music in her or his car for like 6 hrs they bonded over the same music taste.
she quit hanging out with him as much and blamed me because she didnt want to hear me complain.
Dinner and then six hours hanging out listening to music seems excessive, and a red flag truth be told.
Looking less fondly at things will allow you to see more clearly. Be cautious not to lean or twist to the other end of the spectrum either. Reality is usually somewhere in the middle.
Best of luck in your search for accommodations.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
update. I moved into my own place last monday. it was really tuff because i had my daughter for spring break and we spent most of the week moving and unpacking i feel bad because i didnt get to spend quality time with her. i had to spend 7000$ moving in and buying furniture and basic necessities. i basically had my daughters bed a few pieces of furniture that my wife didnt want. a good laptop and a vacuum cleaner.
i havent been able to correctly grieve living with my wife as she was becoming more and more toxic. my daughter went back to her moms tonight and its really sinking in for me and my daughter that its actually over. at least i had my daughter with me but now shes back at her moms im all alone. its the first time ive been alone since 2001. ive been crying since i dropped her off im hurting so bad i feel so alone right now. i dont miss my wife i miss my family. my daughter told me during the week that she worries that im going to commit suicide because im all alone. ive tried to hide my pain from her but even at 11 she is incredibly intuitive. i assured her that i would never do that and leave her without a dad.
my wife still hasnt turned in the divorce papers. shes being very cruel about the whole thing. i told her i want to get this done so we can move past this and heal. she has nothing to gain by stalling.
Congratulations on finding a place and getting moved in. A good step in getting your feet under yourself again and regaining your center and balance.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
its the first time ive been alone since 2001. ive been crying since i dropped her off im hurting so bad i feel so alone right now. i dont miss my wife i miss my family.
It’s perfectly normal and ok to miss your family. Seperating, divorce, breaking up, is a huge upheaval in your lives. It’s going to take time to get through this. Be gentle with yourself and keeping moving forward. It’s a slog, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
There is a difference between living alone and feeling lonely. A person can feel utterly alone while in a room full of people. Conversely, a person can feel fulfilled while by themselves. (There is an interesting peace in solitude, by the way.) Being alone and being lonely are not tied together.
Yes, you need to grieve the loss of the “old” family unit. And it’s a painful process. A strategy that works pretty well is to schedule time to grieve. You cannot speed up the grief, it will take as long as it takes. However, you can schedule more convenient times to feel/explore your sorrow and hurt.
Example, give yourself ten minutes in the morning to feel, cry, and such. Then when the alarm goes off - yes, set an actual alarm - wipe your eyes and get on with your day. Schedule a few “safe and convenient” times throughout the day for this purposefully feeling. Maybe during coffee break and lunch. In time, the amount of scheduled time and number of times per day is reduced, eventually reaching zero “needed” times.
You have plenty of feelings to process, and do not want to get lost wallowing in sorrow and suffering. Scheduling does help.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
my daughter told me during the week that she worries that im going to commit suicide because im all alone. ive tried to hide my pain from her but even at 11 she is incredibly intuitive. i assured her that i would never do that and leave her without a dad.
I am glad to see your daughter is open and sharing her feelings and concerns with you. That is excellent.
Suicide is a difficult topic. However, it’s not only us LBS that wonder about it. Kids also explore feelings of suicide. It’s normal and common to feel those fleeting moments of “how could I end this horrible pain?”. Usually that’s it, an imagined course with said outcome, and one gets such notations out of their mind. D11 demonstrates high empathy bring this up to you. Smart kid!
A suggestion: Do not dismiss her concern. Certainly reassure her of your commitment to remain around. And, age appropriately, you can discuss how hurt you are too. You need not “try” to hide all your pain. Knowing you hurt and feel, like she does, is pretty beneficial for her.
Of course, be her rock. You are the parent. Demonstrate how to be. How to get through such adversity that life throws one’s way. Of course, we don’t have all those answers at the start, yet we demonstrate focusing on self, moving forward, GAL, detaching, letting go, understanding control, and so on. Believe me, those life lessons do not go unnoticed by our kids. Be her living example.
You are lucky to have a daughter who brings up such topics. Breaking the ice is often the most difficult step. Be open, honest, age appropriate, and discuss things with her. Let her lead where the conversation goes. Lots of times, kids bring stuff up because they have something else or something deeper they actually want to talk about. That’s my point about not dismissing her concerns about you, as much as it is valid, it is also likely a method to get to another topic she wants to discuss.
Ah breaking the ice, a few interesting conversation between my daughter and I, with a Mom who is out of the picture: tampons, dating, birth control, breaking up. Trust me, kids are more embarrassed and fretful to bring up such topics than we are.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
it was really tuff because i had my daughter for spring break and we spent most of the week moving and unpacking i feel bad because i didnt get to spend quality time with her.
You might be surprised at what is truly quality time for daughter.
My kids bring up meaningful moments of their youth. Times when they were helping me fix the house or building grandma’s and grandpa’s house. Sitting around a backyard campfire, eating marshmallows. Playing in the bushing, climbing trees. Going to the garbage dump with me. Specific episodes that I cannot recall with the clarity they have it locked in their memories.
For your daughter, spending time with dear Dad, doing stuff, even moving to a new place, means the world to her. Granted, it may take a few years before she realizes or can even articulate that. After all, the “why” of things takes time to develop.
Quality time. The big part of that is the time. Spending time, investing your time in her, is what makes it quality. Not what you do.
Moving, a rather significant time in her life too. And she was part of it. Thank her. Ensure you let her know how much you appreciated her help. It will mean more to her than she is currently able to express.
Have a great day aph.
D
Last edited by DnJ; 04/18/2404:00 AM. Reason: Corrected typo.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Stay strong my friend. Every change in your life will be difficult but be the rock in your daughters life. Being alone for the first time can be difficult but you will get through it. I'm in the same boat as you, been alone for a year and a half and now finalizing separation/divorce and likely moving within next 2-3 months. You will probably not get much closure from anything to do with your ex. They will never take accountability nor should you expect any. Good luck
my wife still hasnt turned in the divorce papers. shes being very cruel about the whole thing. i told her i want to get this done so we can move past this and heal. she has nothing to gain by stalling.
I forget which quotes I found it in or I'd post the links, perhaps someone else can post the sources, but some of the most useful advice was to separate the government paperwork from the rest of the process. Those papers are just the business side of it. We too often conflate officialdom with the rest of our life.
Every other part of your life is something you can do with or without them. You can move past without them. You can heal without them. You can arrange for your daughter without them. You can live YOUR life just about any way you chose without them. On YOUR timeline.
I have read so many posters here who were in year 3 or 5 or 7 or 10+ without final papers! The successful ones were living their lives as they saw fit. Being sad where there is badness. Taking joy where there is goodness. It takes away fear and returns to you control of how you live your life. I seek to be that strong!
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/2023 DB1 4/2023 DB1 rescinded 5/2023 DB2 6/2023 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-4 & W moves out 8/2023 – 2/2024 Draft settlement 3/2024
In need of some kind words, truth, advice or support i can get. ive been really struggling with my divorce. my wife turned in the divorce papers so in 31 days i will be officially divorced. i moved out 17 days ago and the normal grief process is very fresh.
ive gone from excited to depressed. i go from relieved to near panic. feeling like there is hope to hopeless that i will find someone that treats me how i should be treated. logically i see the big picture that i deserved better and i really tried to keep my marriage healthy but my wife refused to communicate or even try to work with me. I carried the relationship and i did the best i could but i still feel like i failed and at times i try to blame myself.
I see all the flags that i missed and know that im not totally at fault. Reality hit me like a truck tonight that its real and im alone. i miss the person i met and fell in love with and married. i miss the family we had even though we were a blended family me and my daughter and my wifes kids meshed so well. the only one that was out of sync was my wife.
Im trying to stay busy and get a life but my energy is all over the place. im on long term disability so i have lots of time. im going to counseling every week, im going to have lunch with my daughter twice a week and i see her every other weekend. I go to see my son and my mom twice a week. i only have 1 friend left from my circle of friends pre marriage. Im trying to find things to do with others like meet ups but everything is virtual or to far away. Im fine being by myself but I feel so lonely.
It just doesnt feel real right now. I want things back the way they were but i know it was bad for me. Its silly to want to go back and change history but i wish i could go back and fix things.
In need of some kind words, truth, advice or support i can get. ive been really struggling with my divorce. my wife turned in the divorce papers so in 31 days i will be officially divorced. i moved out 17 days ago and the normal grief process is very fresh.
ive gone from excited to depressed. i go from relieved to near panic. feeling like there is hope to hopeless that i will find someone that treats me how i should be treated. logically i see the big picture that i deserved better and i really tried to keep my marriage healthy but my wife refused to communicate or even try to work with me. I carried the relationship and i did the best i could but i still feel like i failed and at times i try to blame myself.
I see all the flags that i missed and know that im not totally at fault. Reality hit me like a truck tonight that its real and im alone. i miss the person i met and fell in love with and married. i miss the family we had even though we were a blended family me and my daughter and my wifes kids meshed so well. the only one that was out of sync was my wife.
Im trying to stay busy and get a life but my energy is all over the place. im on long term disability so i have lots of time. im going to counseling every week, im going to have lunch with my daughter twice a week and i see her every other weekend. I go to see my son and my mom twice a week. i only have 1 friend left from my circle of friends pre marriage. Im trying to find things to do with others like meet ups but everything is virtual or to far away. Im fine being by myself but I feel so lonely.
It just doesnt feel real right now. I want things back the way they were but i know it was bad for me. Its silly to want to go back and change history but i wish i could go back and fix things.
I understand and empathize. Yes, it’s a struggle. And one that is going to last for a while. Sorry man. Focus on you. Crank up your GAL. Keep moving forward. You will get through this.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
ive gone from excited to depressed. i go from relieved to near panic.
Perfectly normal. Your emotions will express themselves in all kinds of ways. It’s part of the grief process. That journey to emotional understanding.
Now, a part of that journey, of grief, is depression. Anger, bargaining, and denial are of course present as well, it’s just that depression really pulls us down. Makes perfect sense, we get/are depressed as we progress with our internal struggle/journey to accepting our new reality.
Be gentle with yourself. This stuff takes time.
Although everyone’s path is individual, there is a similarity, a camaraderie in all this. And some damn fine life lessons for those willing to listen to their grief. Truly a golden opportunity rising from a journey none of us ever wanted to embark upon.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
feeling like there is hope to hopeless that i will find someone that treats me how i should be treated.
That person.
That someone.
Who will treat how you should be treated.
Is you.
Find you. Be you.
In healing, you discover you. You find you. And find hope.
You treat yourself like you should be treated. You respect yourself. And through that, shine upon the world around you. Your inner convictions and values will/do attract the people in your life. The other “someones” who treat you properly as well.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
Im trying to stay busy and get a life but my energy is all over the place.
When I try to do something, I usually fail it. When I decide to do something, I usually succeed.
“Trying” predisposed one to give equal probability to the possible outcomes - success or failure.
A “doing” mindset predisposed one to success. Certainly, one’s efforts do not always yield the intended results. Yet, more often than not, our outcome/results depend on how we initially framed things. Do or do not, there is no try.
I find “trying” allows me to give up too easily. While when I am going to “do” something, I’ll keep at it until I get it. Rest assured, if I try to clean the house, I’ll end up watching TV. lol.
“But” is another word choice that our mind listens to. Realize, your mind is always listening, and will craft your reality, craft your outlook, just as you ask it to. Do, try, can, cannot, will, won’t, etc.
“But” provides us justification to continue doing something we know we shouldn’t. It often impedes our progress, and usually unrealized too. “But” concatenates two thoughts together, regardless of how dissimilar or incongruous they are. That word choice forces/smashes the two ideas together in our mind and reinforces the first by utilizing the second (and the other way around too). Use a period or “and”. For example:
Im trying working to stay busy and get a life. but my energy is all over the place.
Two separate ideas. No need to smush them together. With them separate you can deal with each as you need to. It keeps the “problems” smaller and therefore the solutions/resolutions smaller. A journey of small steps is easier and more manageable.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
Im trying to find things to do with others like meet ups but everything is virtual or to far away. Im fine being by myself but I feel so lonely.
It just doesnt feel real right now. I want things back the way they were but i know it was bad for me. It’s silly to want to go back and change history but i wish i could go back and fix things.
Have a go at re-writing these idea sans “but” and “try”. Doing such leads to thinking about them in a different light and fosters/reinforces positive progress.
Wording aside,
Yes, things do feel somewhat unreal for a while. I too wanted to fix my immutable past. Ah, bargaining. The last vestige of our old normal, and harbinger of depression, the next stage of grief.
Be strong my friend. And do take care of you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
One of my favorite pieces of advice for success, and it comes from Yoda!
I remember being twelve years old when the first Star Wars movie came out. I was the perfect, impressionable age for that story. And I remember seeing it for the first time and being immediately hooked. As in the first five minutes. It turned my adolescent world upside down.
A few years later, my fifteen year-old self heard Yoda say those words, and they struck me like a lightning bolt. Little did I know how important they would be at some of the most challenging times of my life. I keep recalling them over and over. I have come through other major challenges when I stopped trying and started doing.
The loss of my parents. The time and sacrifice spent earning a doctorate. Needing to leave a job I had great hopes for and start building my future all over again. I came through all of these and not only survived, but thrived.
And I will do it again.
And so will you, aphexx. I know the wounds are fresh. They sting. Mine stung too, horribly. Now, after almost a year of self-reflection and work, I am seeing the path forward. It is there. You will find yours as well. Keep posting and striving.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
just looking for others that are going through divorce or recently divorced. mine will be final in 30 days. just wanting to hear how others are doing. feeling alone with this right now.
Last edited by DnJ; 04/21/2401:41 PM. Reason: Merged threads.
I made a new post and i wanted to include it here in case people only read or follow this original post.
(Merged posts into original thread. - DnJ)
I've read all the info on what im feeling and I know its a terrible idea but I feel like im on a icy hill and as hard as im fighting these feelings i feel like im sliding into contacting my wife to change her mind. stupid I know! I can almost guarantee she would reject me which would cause me more pain. I feel weak for even thinking this. my wife called me yesterday about how i would start our lawn mower thats old and hard to start for the first time of the season. she and her son couldnt get it going. I wanted to tell her its not my problem anymore but i told her what i would do but that didnt work for them. she complained that she broke a nail and it was bleeding trying to start it.
It was my wifes daughters birthday party that my daughter couldnt go to like she has for the past 5 yrs. My stepdaughter would invite a few friends over and it would be a lot of games and a sleepover. I felt sad for my daughter who missed it.
I did another stupid thing by looking at a years worth of texting between me and my wife. I think i was looking for clues to when things went south and also to feel her words again when we were happy and loving to each other. no one saw this divorce coming and she was texting me right up to the day before she said she was divorcing me. writing this now i feel that those were just words and not true actions of love, i guess.
maybe im wanting to get rejected by her so i can see her true self again. none of her actions make sense no one can understand why she is divorcing me and how she is doing it so quick and easy. i feel like me and my daughter were thrown away like trash. my councilor gave me some encouragement that im the one acting normal and my wife is the one acting strangely. my councilor cant make sense of my wifes actions either. How my wife could say that we were fine and even have sex with me 2 days before she dropped the bomb on me makes no sense. its like she snapped her fingers and changed into someone else. I miss our family and i miss her, the her i fell in love with not the cruel monster that she turned into. I believed in us 100% and i trusted her 100% when she told me over and over again that we would grow old together.
Last edited by DnJ; 04/21/2401:47 PM. Reason: Merge threads.
Utilize the 24-48 hour rule for communication with STBXW.
Give yourself 24-48 hours before responding to her. This allows your emotions to settle and for you to respond more from rational logic and reason rather than stirred up feelings.
That is, if you respond.
24-48 hours, also gives you time to think and decide if you need to, or should, respond.
Remember, time and space. Give her what she asked for. What she demanded.
Time and space, allows her other feelings and life’s struggles to affect her. Other feelings which are more productive to a possible reconciliation.
Of course, the big reason for this strategy and path is you. You are the most important person in this equation. Give yourself 24-48 hours - because you deserve it! You deserve and are worthy of rational logical thoughtful forward movement. Do not deny yourself this.
Going down memory lane is very common. Minutes quickly turn into hours whilst looking at old photographs or reading old love letter/emails/texts. It is easy to get lost wandering down memory lane.
Most times, especially in the beginning, stop! Picture that big reg stop sign! Do something else! Go for a run, a walk, hit a punching bag, mow the grass, wash the windows, etc.
Focus on you. Get a life. Live your life. Love your life. (I know, crazy hard right now. You will get there.)
W’s problems with starting her lawn mower are not your’s to fix. She fired you as husband.
Also, she is keeping you attached. Sitting on a shelf. And she might not even realize or recognize she is doing so. 24-48 hours helps with that too. You aren’t Plan B. You are the prize. Live like it!
Some direct advice/suggestions: Do not contact her in an attempt to change her mind. She has to come to that herself.
Your need/idea of getting rejected again, to see her again, that angry emotional person again - little good will come from that.
aph, you are figuring this out. Rationalizing what has happened and W’s behaviours. That is a daunting and difficult task when one’s spouse has/is behaving non-rationally and driven by emotions. Your efforts towards rationalizing is healthy forward progress.
Intellectual understanding leads to compassion and emotional understanding. Which leads to acceptance and forgiveness.
A big component that goes along with all that is your inner work. Compassionate, kind, cordial, detached, GAL, focused on you and what you can control, and so on - all goes hand in hand with rationalizing one’s situation. Know thyself is first and foremost. And truth be told, is what rationalizing and understanding one’s situation is really about. Understanding thyself.
24-48 hours. Give yourself that gift. Allow yourself to respond if you choose to, rather than react.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
I believed in us 100% and i trusted her 100% when she told me over and over again that we would grow old together.
I understand and empathize.
Betrayal is a horrible thing. One of, if not the worst thing one can do to another person.
Betrayal cuts deep. Really deep.
Dig deeper aph. Dig deeper than your pain. Find you. Find your strength and convictions.
Stay strong buddy.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I wanted to tell her its not my problem anymore but i told her what i would do but that didnt work for them. she complained that she broke a nail and it was bleeding trying to start it.
A new behavior that I added to my interactions with women after my divorce:
My lady asked me today: "Can you move my car so it is facing out?" My response was: "Yes, would you mind moving my laundry from the washer to the dryer?"
Typically a yes for a yes.
It started with:
If a woman asks if you will buy her a drink, an enthusiastic "YES, after you buy me one! with a wink."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Some direct advice/suggestions: Do not contact her in an attempt to change her mind. She has to come to that herself.
Your need/idea of getting rejected again, to see her again, that angry emotional person again - little good will come from that.
aph, you are figuring this out. Rationalizing what has happened and W’s behaviours. That is a daunting and difficult task when one’s spouse has/is behaving non-rationally and driven by emotions. Your efforts towards rationalizing is healthy forward progress.
great advice. my wanting to contact her has subsided as i know it would lead to more pain.
I just registered so that I can join this community that I've benefited so much from over the last 2 months. My initial bomb drop was Feb 2023 and after 6 seemingly good (normal) months, a second bomb drop came in Sept 2023. This one was most serious and he couldn't be in the same room with me. Couldn't look at me. Wanted a divorce. My husband bought a house and moved out just before the holidays.
I did all the 'wrong' things (begging, pleading, angry outbursts, etc.) until I learned about existential crisis and midlife crisis ... or at least to the level/detail I've been reading about it since Feb 2024. It hurts - still! The heartache is pain that takes the breath away, that doesn't seem to clear easily, brings on legitimate panic attacks.
He asked for space and that was exactly what he needed. It's not what I wanted and it was a hard gift to grant him because I craved him, his attention, his voice, his embrace, joint dinners... But, with God's help, I have given his space and left him with God to guide. Neither one of us understood why he needed space but I can tell you in hindsight that we've both matured - it's emotional maturity that we observe in each other. Neither one of us is the same person we were a year ago.
In the midst of all this, I learned I had cancer in November. Somehow I no longer had germs that he avoided like the plague, but I was still not someone he could live with. Oddly, he was interested in taking me to cancer appts/surgery/treatments that continue still. The appts are frequent enough that we're able to keep a pulse on each other and sometimes we enjoy a meal together before he drops me off at 'our' home. And then he goes radio silent until the next appt. Before I read about crisis behavior, I would text or call in between doctor's visits but he would ghost me. Now I don't reach out because he's escaping and avoiding me - and I'm reminded that he asked for space.
Don't give up on your spouse is my advice to you. It's a long and hard road to travel, but only you know if your relationship is worth waiting for. Their confusion and fears tend to trickle into our lives, but only if we let them. We aren't confused as people but we are confused by their actions. Take the time to enjoy your daughter (yes, I know it's hard) and do the things that you haven't found the time to enjoy (yes, also hard to do when you want to return to the life you've enjoyed). Underneath that mask and monster is the same person you learned to love. If you believe in God, return to your faith and deepen your beliefs. I'll pray for you tonight.
I just registered so that I can join this community that I've benefited so much from over the last 2 months. My initial bomb drop was Feb 2023 and after 6 seemingly good (normal) months, a second bomb drop came in Sept 2023. This one was most serious and he couldn't be in the same room with me. Couldn't look at me. Wanted a divorce. My husband bought a house and moved out just before the holidays.
I did all the 'wrong' things (begging, pleading, angry outbursts, etc.) until I learned about existential crisis and midlife crisis ... or at least to the level/detail I've been reading about it since Feb 2024. It hurts - still! The heartache is pain that takes the breath away, that doesn't seem to clear easily, brings on legitimate panic attacks.
He asked for space and that was exactly what he needed. It's not what I wanted and it was a hard gift to grant him because I craved him, his attention, his voice, his embrace, joint dinners... But, with God's help, I have given his space and left him with God to guide. Neither one of us understood why he needed space but I can tell you in hindsight that we've both matured - it's emotional maturity that we observe in each other. Neither one of us is the same person we were a year ago.
In the midst of all this, I learned I had cancer in November. Somehow I no longer had germs that he avoided like the plague, but I was still not someone he could live with. Oddly, he was interested in taking me to cancer appts/surgery/treatments that continue still. The appts are frequent enough that we're able to keep a pulse on each other and sometimes we enjoy a meal together before he drops me off at 'our' home. And then he goes radio silent until the next appt. Before I read about crisis behavior, I would text or call in between doctor's visits but he would ghost me. Now I don't reach out because he's escaping and avoiding me - and I'm reminded that he asked for space.
Don't give up on your spouse is my advice to you. It's a long and hard road to travel, but only you know if your relationship is worth waiting for. Their confusion and fears tend to trickle into our lives, but only if we let them. We aren't confused as people but we are confused by their actions. Take the time to enjoy your daughter (yes, I know it's hard) and do the things that you haven't found the time to enjoy (yes, also hard to do when you want to return to the life you've enjoyed). Underneath that mask and monster is the same person you learned to love. If you believe in God, return to your faith and deepen your beliefs. I'll pray for you tonight.
thank you for the support. i hope things work out for you.
