blindsided

[aphexx13]

update. I moved into my own place last monday. it was really tuff because i had my daughter for spring break and we spent most of the week moving and unpacking i feel bad because i didnt get to spend quality time with her. i had to spend 7000$ moving in and buying furniture and basic necessities. i basically had my daughters bed a few pieces of furniture that my wife didnt want. a good laptop and a vacuum cleaner.



i havent been able to correctly grieve living with my wife as she was becoming more and more toxic. my daughter went back to her moms tonight and its really sinking in for me and my daughter that its actually over. at least i had my daughter with me but now shes back at her moms im all alone. its the first time ive been alone since 2001. ive been crying since i dropped her off im hurting so bad i feel so alone right now. i dont miss my wife i miss my family. my daughter told me during the week that she worries that im going to commit suicide because im all alone. ive tried to hide my pain from her but even at 11 she is incredibly intuitive. i assured her that i would never do that and leave her without a dad.



my wife still hasnt turned in the divorce papers. shes being very cruel about the whole thing. i told her i want to get this done so we can move past this and heal. she has nothing to gain by stalling.

[DnJ]

Good Morning aph

Congratulations on finding a place and getting moved in. A good step in getting your feet under yourself again and regaining your center and balance.

its the first time ive been alone since 2001. ive been crying since i dropped her off im hurting so bad i feel so alone right now. i dont miss my wife i miss my family.

It’s perfectly normal and ok to miss your family. Seperating, divorce, breaking up, is a huge upheaval in your lives. It’s going to take time to get through this. Be gentle with yourself and keeping moving forward. It’s a slog, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

There is a difference between living alone and feeling lonely. A person can feel utterly alone while in a room full of people. Conversely, a person can feel fulfilled while by themselves. (There is an interesting peace in solitude, by the way.) Being alone and being lonely are not tied together.

Yes, you need to grieve the loss of the “old” family unit. And it’s a painful process. A strategy that works pretty well is to schedule time to grieve. You cannot speed up the grief, it will take as long as it takes. However, you can schedule more convenient times to feel/explore your sorrow and hurt.

Example, give yourself ten minutes in the morning to feel, cry, and such. Then when the alarm goes off - yes, set an actual alarm - wipe your eyes and get on with your day. Schedule a few “safe and convenient” times throughout the day for this purposefully feeling. Maybe during coffee break and lunch. In time, the amount of scheduled time and number of times per day is reduced, eventually reaching zero “needed” times.

You have plenty of feelings to process, and do not want to get lost wallowing in sorrow and suffering. Scheduling does help.

my daughter told me during the week that she worries that im going to commit suicide because im all alone. ive tried to hide my pain from her but even at 11 she is incredibly intuitive. i assured her that i would never do that and leave her without a dad.

I am glad to see your daughter is open and sharing her feelings and concerns with you. That is excellent.

Suicide is a difficult topic. However, it’s not only us LBS that wonder about it. Kids also explore feelings of suicide. It’s normal and common to feel those fleeting moments of “how could I end this horrible pain?”. Usually that’s it, an imagined course with said outcome, and one gets such notations out of their mind. D11 demonstrates high empathy bring this up to you. Smart kid!

A suggestion: Do not dismiss her concern. Certainly reassure her of your commitment to remain around. And, age appropriately, you can discuss how hurt you are too. You need not “try” to hide all your pain. Knowing you hurt and feel, like she does, is pretty beneficial for her.

Of course, be her rock. You are the parent. Demonstrate how to be. How to get through such adversity that life throws one’s way. Of course, we don’t have all those answers at the start, yet we demonstrate focusing on self, moving forward, GAL, detaching, letting go, understanding control, and so on. Believe me, those life lessons do not go unnoticed by our kids. Be her living example.

You are lucky to have a daughter who brings up such topics. Breaking the ice is often the most difficult step. Be open, honest, age appropriate, and discuss things with her. Let her lead where the conversation goes. Lots of times, kids bring stuff up because they have something else or something deeper they actually want to talk about. That’s my point about not dismissing her concerns about you, as much as it is valid, it is also likely a method to get to another topic she wants to discuss.

Ah breaking the ice, a few interesting conversation between my daughter and I, with a Mom who is out of the picture: tampons, dating, birth control, breaking up. Trust me, kids are more embarrassed and fretful to bring up such topics than we are.

it was really tuff because i had my daughter for spring break and we spent most of the week moving and unpacking i feel bad because i didnt get to spend quality time with her.

You might be surprised at what is truly quality time for daughter.

My kids bring up meaningful moments of their youth. Times when they were helping me fix the house or building grandma’s and grandpa’s house. Sitting around a backyard campfire, eating marshmallows. Playing in the bushing, climbing trees. Going to the garbage dump with me. Specific episodes that I cannot recall with the clarity they have it locked in their memories.

For your daughter, spending time with dear Dad, doing stuff, even moving to a new place, means the world to her. Granted, it may take a few years before she realizes or can even articulate that. After all, the “why” of things takes time to develop.

Quality time. The big part of that is the time. Spending time, investing your time in her, is what makes it quality. Not what you do.

Moving, a rather significant time in her life too. And she was part of it. Thank her. Ensure you let her know how much you appreciated her help. It will mean more to her than she is currently able to express.

Have a great day aph.

D

[Catman19]

Stay strong my friend. Every change in your life will be difficult but be the rock in your daughters life. Being alone for the first time can be difficult but you will get through it. I'm in the same boat as you, been alone for a year and a half and now finalizing separation/divorce and likely moving within next 2-3 months. You will probably not get much closure from anything to do with your ex. They will never take accountability nor should you expect any. Good luck

[grok]

aph,

my wife still hasnt turned in the divorce papers. shes being very cruel about the whole thing. i told her i want to get this done so we can move past this and heal. she has nothing to gain by stalling.

I forget which quotes I found it in or I'd post the links, perhaps someone else can post the sources, but some of the most useful advice was to separate the government paperwork from the rest of the process. Those papers are just the business side of it. We too often conflate officialdom with the rest of our life.

Every other part of your life is something you can do with or without them. You can move past without them. You can heal without them. You can arrange for your daughter without them. You can live YOUR life just about any way you chose without them. On YOUR timeline.

I have read so many posters here who were in year 3 or 5 or 7 or 10+ without final papers! The successful ones were living their lives as they saw fit. Being sad where there is badness. Taking joy where there is goodness. It takes away fear and returns to you control of how you live your life. I seek to be that strong!

g

[aphexx13]

thanks for the support it definitely helps.

[aphexx13]

very true about the divorce papers. i just dont want her to try to drag me to court thinking she will get something out of it.

[aphexx13]

In need of some kind words, truth, advice or support i can get. ive been really struggling with my divorce. my wife turned in the divorce papers so in 31 days i will be officially divorced. i moved out 17 days ago and the normal grief process is very fresh.

ive gone from excited to depressed. i go from relieved to near panic. feeling like there is hope to hopeless that i will find someone that treats me how i should be treated. logically i see the big picture that i deserved better and i really tried to keep my marriage healthy but my wife refused to communicate or even try to work with me. I carried the relationship and i did the best i could but i still feel like i failed and at times i try to blame myself.

I see all the flags that i missed and know that im not totally at fault. Reality hit me like a truck tonight that its real and im alone. i miss the person i met and fell in love with and married. i miss the family we had even though we were a blended family me and my daughter and my wifes kids meshed so well. the only one that was out of sync was my wife.

Im trying to stay busy and get a life but my energy is all over the place. im on long term disability so i have lots of time. im going to counseling every week, im going to have lunch with my daughter twice a week and i see her every other weekend. I go to see my son and my mom twice a week. i only have 1 friend left from my circle of friends pre marriage. Im trying to find things to do with others like meet ups but everything is virtual or to far away. Im fine being by myself but I feel so lonely.

It just doesnt feel real right now. I want things back the way they were but i know it was bad for me. Its silly to want to go back and change history but i wish i could go back and fix things.

[aphexx13]

In need of some kind words, truth, advice or support i can get. ive been really struggling with my divorce. my wife turned in the divorce papers so in 31 days i will be officially divorced. i moved out 17 days ago and the normal grief process is very fresh.

ive gone from excited to depressed. i go from relieved to near panic. feeling like there is hope to hopeless that i will find someone that treats me how i should be treated. logically i see the big picture that i deserved better and i really tried to keep my marriage healthy but my wife refused to communicate or even try to work with me. I carried the relationship and i did the best i could but i still feel like i failed and at times i try to blame myself.

I see all the flags that i missed and know that im not totally at fault. Reality hit me like a truck tonight that its real and im alone. i miss the person i met and fell in love with and married. i miss the family we had even though we were a blended family me and my daughter and my wifes kids meshed so well. the only one that was out of sync was my wife.

Im trying to stay busy and get a life but my energy is all over the place. im on long term disability so i have lots of time. im going to counseling every week, im going to have lunch with my daughter twice a week and i see her every other weekend. I go to see my son and my mom twice a week. i only have 1 friend left from my circle of friends pre marriage. Im trying to find things to do with others like meet ups but everything is virtual or to far away. Im fine being by myself but I feel so lonely.

It just doesnt feel real right now. I want things back the way they were but i know it was bad for me. Its silly to want to go back and change history but i wish i could go back and fix things.

[DnJ]

Hello aph

I understand and empathize. Yes, it’s a struggle. And one that is going to last for a while. Sorry man. Focus on you. Crank up your GAL. Keep moving forward. You will get through this.

ive gone from excited to depressed. i go from relieved to near panic.

Perfectly normal. Your emotions will express themselves in all kinds of ways. It’s part of the grief process. That journey to emotional understanding.

Now, a part of that journey, of grief, is depression. Anger, bargaining, and denial are of course present as well, it’s just that depression really pulls us down. Makes perfect sense, we get/are depressed as we progress with our internal struggle/journey to accepting our new reality.

Be gentle with yourself. This stuff takes time.

Although everyone’s path is individual, there is a similarity, a camaraderie in all this. And some damn fine life lessons for those willing to listen to their grief. Truly a golden opportunity rising from a journey none of us ever wanted to embark upon.

feeling like there is hope to hopeless that i will find someone that treats me how i should be treated.

That person.

That someone.

Who will treat how you should be treated.




Is you.


Find you. Be you.



In healing, you discover you. You find you. And find hope.

You treat yourself like you should be treated. You respect yourself. And through that, shine upon the world around you. Your inner convictions and values will/do attract the people in your life. The other “someones” who treat you properly as well.

Im trying to stay busy and get a life but my energy is all over the place.

When I try to do something, I usually fail it. When I decide to do something, I usually succeed.

“Trying” predisposed one to give equal probability to the possible outcomes - success or failure.

A “doing” mindset predisposed one to success. Certainly, one’s efforts do not always yield the intended results. Yet, more often than not, our outcome/results depend on how we initially framed things. Do or do not, there is no try.

I find “trying” allows me to give up too easily. While when I am going to “do” something, I’ll keep at it until I get it. Rest assured, if I try to clean the house, I’ll end up watching TV. lol.

“But” is another word choice that our mind listens to. Realize, your mind is always listening, and will craft your reality, craft your outlook, just as you ask it to. Do, try, can, cannot, will, won’t, etc.

“But” provides us justification to continue doing something we know we shouldn’t. It often impedes our progress, and usually unrealized too. “But” concatenates two thoughts together, regardless of how dissimilar or incongruous they are. That word choice forces/smashes the two ideas together in our mind and reinforces the first by utilizing the second (and the other way around too). Use a period or “and”. For example:

Im trying working to stay busy and get a life. but my energy is all over the place.

Two separate ideas. No need to smush them together. With them separate you can deal with each as you need to. It keeps the “problems” smaller and therefore the solutions/resolutions smaller. A journey of small steps is easier and more manageable.

Im trying to find things to do with others like meet ups but everything is virtual or to far away. Im fine being by myself but I feel so lonely.

It just doesnt feel real right now. I want things back the way they were but i know it was bad for me. It’s silly to want to go back and change history but i wish i could go back and fix things.

Have a go at re-writing these idea sans “but” and “try”. Doing such leads to thinking about them in a different light and fosters/reinforces positive progress.

Wording aside,

Yes, things do feel somewhat unreal for a while. I too wanted to fix my immutable past. Ah, bargaining. The last vestige of our old normal, and harbinger of depression, the next stage of grief.

Be strong my friend. And do take care of you.

D

[aphexx13]

thanks. that really helped me look at my thought process.