The journey continues for El…

[Elbereth]

Putting down new roots.

Link to old thread is here.

Been offline a bit as I had some procedures done and I'm traveling but will update you with more when I return.

El

[Elbereth]

Update…

I’ve had some rough patches with my health, but things are turning around. I’ve been putting a lot of energy into getting healthy again. I’ve dropped weight, I’m getting more fit, and I’m sleeping better to name a few. I’ve been doing some traveling which also has been feeding my soul.

I am still generally not getting enough projects for work so I’ve been living off my savings. I’ve been a bit stressed about that. Yesterday I listened to a podcast that helped me to see this time from a different perspective…that this time of healing is necessary and a gift to myself. I’ve been the type who puts everyone else first, so putting myself first leads to some guilt and stress. Especially because I’m funding this myself and fear for my financial future. But I realize I need to see this time as an investment in myself that will lead to more success. The alternative might be short-term success, but not healing would catch up to me and I’d just end up paying later.

I am hopeful about dating and think I’ll join a dating site this summer. I’ve been putting myself together when going out and making effort to meet people…so I’ve been open to dating…but it’s been slow. Hard to engage with people when you are wearing masks, so I am expecting more progress now that masks are being worn less and less and we are more free to do activities. So I am excited about the possibilities. I did have one date with someone I met organically, but it was a dud. But hey, it’s practice and I put myself out there.

It’s been several months since me and my XH last communicated. And it was pretty minimal in the months before that. So this period is the longest I’ve gone without him in my life since we met. What has been interesting is that I do still miss “him”…but what I have come to realize is that it’s the person that he was when we met that I miss. And I realize that person is not real and not the person he turned out to be. I also have come to realize that I am still grieving the loss of my life and the future that I had. That I think is the part that I’m still dealing with, but at least now I’m hopeful about what is to come. I think I’m close to blossoming into a new future. I can taste it.

I recently saw some pictures of my XH on social media (I do not follow him, but because we know the same people, they sometimes show up). Anyway, he looked absolutely awful. He was a very handsome and pretty fit man and now he just looks puffy, unhealthy, and old. Has me wondering if his MR to his AP isn’t going so well. My IC said he looks like he is suffering from cortisol stress. I told her that if he is, that brought me joy…which I know is awful, but I couldn’t help myself. When someone is so selfish and has treated you with such disrespect, how can you avoid wishing them awful things? I find I still want him to suffer for what he’s done. I do not find myself wanting revenge or thinking about it constantly or anything like that, but I also can’t say it doesn’t bring me that joy when it shows up. Does that make me a terrible person?

My relationship with SSs is stable. I do my best to reach out constantly but I see them very little, but I’m just sticking to it since they are young and they are at the age where they are blossoming into life and really don’t care about family time. They have had visits with their dad and I do wonder how they feel about what’s happened, but at this point, I am waiting for them to be ready to talk about it. For now, I just keep the focus on our relationship.

Anyway, this is where I am at currently. Progress…slow but steady.

Elbereth

[DnJ]

Good Morning El

Glad to hear your health is moving in the right direction. And you are getting good sleeps.

Ah, travelling. It can so rejuvenate. All part of looking after one’s self.

You are correct, young adults do go through a time when they focus upon their life and far less upon the family. I suspect they will reach out more and more as they become their own.

[H] looked absolutely awful. He was a very handsome and pretty fit man and now he just looks puffy, unhealthy, and old. Has me wondering if his MR to his AP isn’t going so well. My IC said he looks like he is suffering from cortisol stress. I told her that if he is, that brought me joy…which I know is awful, but I couldn’t help myself. When someone is so selfish and has treated you with such disrespect, how can you avoid wishing them awful things?

How? You find forgiveness for the transgressions.

That takes a purposeful decision and choice on your part. A certain fortitude and conviction. And, interestingly, requires far less energy than holding a grudge. Forgiveness, truly is for you.

I find I still want him to suffer for what he’s done. I do not find myself wanting revenge or thinking about it constantly or anything like that, but I also can’t say it doesn’t bring me that joy when it shows up. Does that make me a terrible person?

I do not think you a terrible person.

I do believe you - and since you’ve brought this up and asked, I believe you do as well - you wish to forge a better mindset regarding H.

I found I did not want any hand in my XW’s suffering in this life or the after. I’m just not wise enough to judge her, and especially not sentence her. I gave her to God. Or fate. Or karma. Whichever resonates with you.

Seeing her and her deeds separately allows me to forgive that which I can forgive - the transgressions. One does not forgive the person. Attempting that, places the forgiver upon a higher moral ground from which they choose and dispense forgiveness upon selected folks. We cannot forgive the soul. Instead, one forgives the deed.

Love the sinner, forgive the sin.

There is nothing my XW can do to earn my forgiveness. I chose to write paid in full on the invoice of vengeance I was carrying.

Forgiveness frees one.

Forgiveness is not a free pass. One can still hold them accountable, treating them kindly and with compassion. Restitution is still possible, although not a requisite or need. In fact, letting go of the need for restitution, allows one to see what “freely” enacted restorative efforts would signify sincere and true remorse and change.

All of which had nothing to do with my XW. This is all my path. Heck, she doesn’t even speak to me, so she has no idea.

Anyhow, just sharing. Life is a work in progress. I’m not there yet. Of course, it’s not about the destination, it’s always been about the journey.

Have a wonderful Sunday.

D

[Elbereth]

Hey DnJ,

I hear you. I think I am somewhere in between. I do not dwell on what has happened as much. I do not think about ways to have him suffer or pay. I do feel in many ways I’ve let go of him. But if the universe is going to send suffering his way, then I’m grateful to it. Maybe I still have a long way to go, but at least it feels like I’ve come a long way.

What is more on my mind is the loss of my life. You know, the life that was the “plan” and where I thought it was going. There is some excitement in reinvention, but there is also a lot of frustration at having to begin anew and knowing that some of the things I was excited about are not going to happen. But I’m doing my best to embrace it and count my moments of gratitude each day. I think it will get even easier now that the pandemic is slowing and life is happening again. It was very hard to move forward when isolated and stuck alone. Traveling and new experiences are a big part of that discovery for me, so I am grateful for being able to do that right now.

It’s good to pop in on this board and see that you are still here…and I think your new role suits you well. You definitely have been a big part of my journey and your advice has meant so much to me. Thank you for stopping by with more support.

El

[Mach40]

Hey, I think the journey is just that, a journey. Always look forward to what can happen for you.
You are taking care of yourself and seem to have a plan. Execute it and go forward..
Plans fail, but not always due to you. It was a team effort and just didnt work out. Cant dwell on it.

When I think of my Ex and her recent struggles, I almost feel sorry for her. Truly feel sorry.
I dont want her to get ill or fail financially. All I wanted was for her to not have a relationship that made her whole/complete. That is normal..
Now, I dont even think of texting, calling. I dont even want to see her.

[DejaVu6]

So much of what you said, and D's response, resonates with me El. OW's recent death and watching my kids head off on a trip today that XH and I used to talk about taking them on has left me thinking about the planned future that was lost. I think it is just a normal part of the grief process...letting go of what was and what could have been for what is.

If I have figured out anything these past few years, it is that this process is not a linear one. Most days, I get up and I don't even think about it. Once in awhile, I have a day where it is all I think about to the extent I find myself yelling "stop" in my head and looking for ways to distract myself. Those are the days I go out of my way to choose forgiveness and send positive vibes XH's way. Not for him but for me. As D says, it is very freeing and allows me to move forward in a way that feels true to the person I am and want to be.

Not gonna lie though... the last three months have been really tough with OW in and out of hospital so XH has had to rely on me a lot to help with the kids and take on more responsibilities than I would normally so he can focus on caring for OW. Very much a mirror image of our marriage in some ways so it has taken its toll on me emotionally. That aside... I am, like you, focusing on exploring and travel and on making new plans for myself. I am grateful I am able to do this and honestly do believe I am a better, stronger version of the person I was before my marriage blew up. It is not hard to find things to be grateful for every single day.

(((HUGS)))

[Elbereth]

I am, like you, focusing on exploring and travel and on making new plans for myself. I am grateful I am able to do this and honestly do believe I am a better, stronger version of the person I was before my marriage blew up. It is not hard to find things to be grateful for every single day.

Glad to hear it. Yes, it does feed the soul doesn't it? Our journeys are not linear. That is for sure. Thank you for stopping by and for your message. It means a lot.

Mach40, I do agree with you, but I cannot deny that hearing/seeing that my XH is not doing well brings me some joy. In the sense that he has to live with his bad decisions. I don't dwell on it or focus much on it...so for me that's all I can manage right now.

El

[Eagle3]

Dear El,

So sorry for not responding for so long. I've been incredibly busy lately with work, the kids, a course I'm doing, travelling...in short, as you say, taking a lot of time for myself and the people I love.

This evening, I am on my own in a hotel for work-related matters and I really wanted to read an update from the people who helped me soooo much during the most difficult time of my life.

So here I am!!

Good to read you are taking care of yourself. The fact you say you are still sort of griefing the life you had and the plan you had in mind going forward is perfectly normal. I have, like DejaVu6 stated and I assume many others on this platform, still sometimes this feeling as well.

Are you already dating, or still kind of keeping that on a low level?

xxx
Eagle