Learning the ropes 2

[MA1970]

Thanks so much DnJ. It feels like this is going to be a test for me. I can already feel the pull of needing to look after him. This isnt love & very much about co dependency. It's interesting how strong the feelings are. I also notice guilt about him suffering when I could easily alleviate some of his pain. Of course I understand these are just thoights and emotions & when I step back from them, I dont want to be the person who is responsible for repairing. Tgis has got to come from him. I like the 6 months but also think that he wont work half as hard as I have in the past 6 months.

We fly home tonight. I've already received a message asking if he can meet me to talk as he's got a lot he wants to say. I think I'm going to respond by saying I'm not ready to talk yet but maybe in a few weeks. I just feel I want to come back from my holiday, re establish my rputines that work for me before facing his mess. I'm aware I need to be really clear about what my boundaries are & I may benefit from writing these down, particularly in these heightened emotional states.

[Sunflyer]

He has also messaged both kids several times a day. These messages have consisted of old photos of us as a family with love hearts attached or a loving comment. He also sent a photo of us last christmas commenting I miss my wife, I miss my family I miss my children. I want us all back together. The next photo was one of him putting his wedding ring back on. I'm really not sure how to respond to all of this. As I say, so far Ive just ignored it but I know he's going to turn up at the house as soon as we're back. I dont want to give him false hope but we are worlds apart in terms of reconciling. I'm not saying this will never happen but certainly at the present time, I don't want reconciliation. I am happier and my life is more meaningful alone & at yhe present time, I do not find him or his behavioirs remotely attractive.

Just want to say that these behaviors sound PATHETIC. As in nauseatingly pathetic.

Enforce those boundaries, move forward.

[MA1970]

Thanks Sunflyer, boundaries well & truly in place. Lots more soppy messages coming through daily. He's not in a good place!

[MA1970]

Feeling quite worn out with everything. H continues to be chaotic and he can't seem to notice his craziness. He hasn't got back with OW so they've been separated around 4 weeks now. His contact with me was minimal over the past couple of weeks until 2 days ago when he turned up at the house (never a good sign). Son answered door & he asked to speak to me saying he'd done something stupid. I spoke to him & he cried saying he can't get me out if his mind & had thought if he initiated divorce proceedings then that would draw a line and he would be able to let me go. He then proceeded to cry saying it hadn't worked, he thinks about me all the time & doesn't want a divorce! He's filled in the paperwork himself, no lawyer & paid for it on his credit card. He now wants to withdraw it & doesn't want me to sign anything! He's messaginv me regularly to update me on emails he's sent & received from the courts.

He's still all over the place. He spoke that Christmas would be perfect if he could be back at home & we were together. I gently told him that wasn't going to happen. He tried to get assurances from me that I would have him back. I just said that wasn't what I wanted at the present time and he should focus on his own wellbeing and his relationship with the children. I let him out of the house & he returned an hour later just sat in his car outside the house saying he couldn't bear to go back to his flat. It's all really draining. I had covid last week & still recovering so not up to exercising yet. I've cried for the first time for ages. I really don't want him hurting but I also don't want to go back to that dependent relationship. Finding this week tougher than I have for a while. When I sit back and observe, it's just another crazy episode that will run its course but does feel overwhelming at the minute. I recognise lots of parallels with how he is behaving to how I was at BD & the first few months after. Begging, pleading, misinterpreting signs & desperate for certainty.

[DnJ]

Hello MA

It feels like this is going to be a test for me. I can already feel the pull of needing to look after him.

H showed up to the house like you suspected he would. And, in my opinion, you passed the test with flying colors.

How long is his divorce proposal official? When does it expire? That gives you the window on this current business matter. Just so you know, you do not have to rush anything.

Do you need or want financial security and protection? Is his proposal fair? Have you had a lawyer look it over? Perhaps you would want to counter propose a different/modified settlement? Just some thoughts/queries for you or consider. It is a big decision.

H is all of the place. No doubt there.

You know he has self work to do. You nicely supported and suggested that to him, while maintaining your position.

Do you see, can you see, the possibilities? Some period of time, H does inner work, never sees OW, gets his life back on track. Can you accept him? Can you forgive him? Could you see him? By the way, these things are not all tied together. You find acceptance and/or forgiveness regardless of what H does or doesn’t do.

It’s interesting, the answers from life’s big questions, come from within. Your answers are based upon you, not H. Difficult answers become easier as we become. There can be no testament without test.

How was the holiday? Did you and daughter have a good time?

D

[MA1970]

Thanks for quick reply DnJ. We all had a lovely holiday. My son brought his friend & we really did have a great time. I hired a car and drove on the opposite side to UK & I felt confident doing this. We ate out every night & had a few cocktails. The boys even persuaded me to do shots! I'm very blessed, my son is only 19 but stepped up to the man of the holiday in many respects. I'm very proud of both my children.

H absolutely doesn't want a divorce & I am in no rush. I haven't received the papers yet so it is possible that it's more lies but I'm not sure of the function of that? It's not worth my brain space!

My line with reconciliation is that he would have to show significant change in terms of his dependency. He is showing no sign of this at present, which I find really unattractive. I do still love him and care about his wellbeing but not to the extent that I would put myself in the position of re-experiencing this all again with another woman! As far as I can see, he's all talk at present. He's got a bit more understanding about himself from his therapy but there is absolutely no sign of behaviour change.

Your questions are interesting, particularly about forgiveness. I believe I could forgive the affair. However, I'm not sure about forgiving his behaviour in relation to D. I've read all about MLC and understand that he's almost regressed and has a teenage mindset but some of the things he did were just cruel and hurt her so badly. I just don't feel I can answer that at present. It might be tough to answer because he's still mid crisis & thus I'm still not fully seeing H without his craziness.

I am still focused on me as a priority. I'm still doing lots of GAL both independently & with the kids. I've got lots of lovely events coming up including live music gigs, a weekend away reuniting with friends of 30 years, comedy night and the dreaded panto!

Thanks again for your support, you always bring a compassionate view, which I appreciate.

[Pattnee5]

Goodness me MA. What an update. With our paths so similar with our XH and their midlife crisis states, they seem to be both following such chaotic paths. Initially I always thought maybe your path would be easier for me to deal with and recover from( the OW and the blatant MLC actions as opposed to the self combusting reclusive MLC who runs away), but now I honestly don’t know which is worse. It sounds like you are handling it absolutely amazingly while H crumbles. It sounds like he’s hitting that rock bottom that they all need to hit. Hopefully he does his work. You should be so incredibly proud. I think this is why the vets drum detachment into us from day 1.The more I don’t want to be around XH anymore the more he tries to reach out. I actually look at him now and feel nothing like I used to. Now I just feel absolutely empty, and annoyed that I allowed him to hurt me so much. I don’t even think I’m attracted to him anymore. He has lost all appeal on me now. I bet you feel exactly the same. We almost just feel sorry for them in a nurturing way. I couldn’t even imagine being intimate with him again because I just don’t have that desire or attraction like before. So many nasty comments and hurtful words finally did their number on me. You keep your head high! You deserve the world. And I would say your H had a few years of alot of hard work to win you back. We need to be won back now. They don’t just get to shelve us for when their plan goes off course. We deserve the best of the best

[MA1970]

Just popped on for a quick update. This forum has helped me so much & I want to be able to give something back where I can. I know how I was at the beginning clinging onto any sign of hope that mlc H would regain who he was and return to us.

Quick summary for any newbies out there. H started an affair Dec 2022, denied it repeatedly till I had evidence in Feb 23. Things hadn't been perfect in the marriage but it still came as a complete shock after 27 yrs together. I said he could stay & we would work at the marriage but I wasn't prepared to live with him if he was still seeing AP. Risky move on my part & he chose to leave. He wanted to be with her. He didn't move in with her & got an enquire room with shared kitchen & lounge. First 3 months were really tough. I desperately wanted him back. I did follow the guidance here from day 1 & I'm thankful for that. I think it helped enormously even though it felt very counterintuitive at times. I had a few slip ups and slept with him a few times. The good people here challenged me on it & I learned that it wasn't helpful. Since April, he has broken up around 8 different times with his AP. He always says its because he loves me but still went back to her. They seem to be over fully now. It's been 7.5 weeks since they broke up & he has been begging to come home consistently. This would have been everything I wanted at the beginning & I would have grasped it with both arms. Things have changed though. Through the support here, I have practised GAL like my life depended on it. I had some IC but I'm a therapist myself and couldn't take to it. I have read and read lots on MLC, DB, attachment styles, communication styles... I have also reflected lots.

This is what I've learned about me, the relationship worked because we were co dependent. I felt adored & validated, which kept me in a stuck position of putting up with coercive control, gaslighting and excessively jealous behaviour. I figured this was a sign of how wanted and loved I was. I also put up with excess drinking, lack of contribution to the house, lazy parenting. He was also dependent on me. I provided him with safety, security & the parenting he didn't get as a child. I think we both started to resent these roles but instead of going for therapy, I ate & he drank & we both avoided the elephant in the room. Until BD day that is!

Fast forward to now... Its hard!! I mean really hard & it continues to be really hard. H is desperate to come back to the safety of the home. I can see he's still crazy though. An example from yesterday is that he phoned our 16yr old D to say his guilt is terrible & proceeded to tell her how bad he felt at upsetting his AP & her kids and how he's let them down!! D is the only person speaking to him & that's tough because he makes her anxious but she's frightened that he has no one without her. I'm there to support her & we've discussed her boundaries for him, which she's trying to stick to. He pulls at all our heart strings. However he is not showing any signs of behaviour change. He refuses to block ex AP stating he's a good person and she's upset. He still talks about her & cannot maintain boundaries. He is unable to tolerate being alone but sees his only answer as looking for someone to care for him. I do not want that life anymore.

My lessons from GAL - I'm OK on my own (well, with the kids). I'd like a future relationship but I'd like it to be equal. I'm worthy of that & think I'm an all right catch! I can put myself out there and people are accepting of me. Even better, I've actually had compliments and a few people come on to me! I've got loads of friends who genuinely care about me. I'm worthy of the right kind of love & I don't need to settle for anything less.

I still care deeply about H & I'm not entirely ruling out reunion at some point in the future but I would need to see proper change not just words. I see no sign of this. He's clocked up £10,000 debt in 9 months, is drinking heavily, over burdening his 16 Yr old daughter & is only focused on his own needs at present. I hope he does change but suspect I won't be still waiting if he does and that's OK. I just hope we stay in a positive relationship and can Co parent our older children together.

To go back to my first paragraph, this forum guided me, supported me, held my hand, challenged me all the way through DnJ & Kind18 felt like my team and the positive feedback from Pattnee as a later addition really helped. Stick with it any newbies out there, even if it feels like the wrong thing to do. The folks on this forum know their stuff! Anyway, enough ranting, I'm off to my panto rehearsals only 8 weeks till the Christmas show!

[Kind18]

I'd like a future relationship but I'd like it to be equal. I'm worthy of that & think I'm an all right catch!

You are an incredibly strong and special human being, MA.

In nine months you’ve gone from a co-dependent mess to a strong and balanced person, in charge of your own mental health and with rebuilt self worth. What a transformation.

This, right here, is a DB success story.

[Sunflyer]

I'd like a future relationship but I'd like it to be equal. I'm worthy of that & think I'm an all right catch! I can put myself out there and people are accepting of me.

The only way to go.

If this whole mess has taught me something, I have learned what I will never accept in a relationship again.