Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
LH19 #2938231 10/07/22 01:23 AM
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 1,183
Likes: 222
R
Rockon Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 1,183
Likes: 222
Originally Posted by LH19
I would consider setting up some boundaries regarding her dropping by anytime she pleases.

Definitely have considered it but so far hasn’t been a problem and it is often a good way for her to connect with youngest D. I am getting busy and being out doing stuff at those times.

And I’ve been reading DR chapter on specific goals . I actually want W to experience peace and order when she approaches our home instead of stress and chaos. It’s a good contrast to how things used to be and most importantly, working much better for me! And apparently a good contrast to how her life is away from me as well.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2938232 10/07/22 05:05 AM
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 1,183
Likes: 222
R
Rockon Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 1,183
Likes: 222
I’m in a lot of emotional pain that’s for sure!


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2938233 10/07/22 05:37 AM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
Originally Posted by Rockon
I’m in a lot of emotional pain that’s for sure!
I know man. It's incredibly difficult. Hang in though...you WILL get through this.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
1 member likes this: Rockon
Rockon #2938234 10/07/22 09:02 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by Rockon
Originally Posted by LH19
I would consider setting up some boundaries regarding her dropping by anytime she pleases.

Definitely have considered it but so far hasn’t been a problem and it is often a good way for her to connect with youngest D. I am getting busy and being out doing stuff at those times.

And I’ve been reading DR chapter on specific goals . I actually want W to experience peace and order when she approaches our home instead of stress and chaos. It’s a good contrast to how things used to be and most importantly, working much better for me! And apparently a good contrast to how her life is away from me as well.
Well it falls more into the respect and common courtesy category. You will find as you go do your path that this is about learning to love and value yourself and walk away from things that don’t work for you. Unfortunately life, to grow, you typically have to get dragged through the mud first. The universe will present you with people and circumstances to show you where you are not free.

Rockon #2938250 10/07/22 03:18 PM
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 1,183
Likes: 222
R
Rockon Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 1,183
Likes: 222
Gentlemen, I am losing the edge this morning and I need help. Reaching out for support I will also call my pastor and maybe some crisis counselling too taking deep breaths going for walks.

W leaves Sunday and I can’t believe her audacity, rebellion, disrespect, dishonour. I am beside myself with rage and want significant harm to AP, impulse to contact him and another OM I know is involved and assert some alpha intimidation.

Help!

I don’t know what to do!!


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2938251 10/07/22 03:22 PM
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 1,183
Likes: 222
R
Rockon Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 1,183
Likes: 222
The grief and rage is overwhelming and my youngest D is overwhelmed and my eldest D is also distressed.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2938252 10/07/22 04:08 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by Rockon
Gentlemen, I am losing the edge this morning and I need help. Reaching out for support I will also call my pastor and maybe some crisis counselling too taking deep breaths going for walks.
Go for run. That I found was best for my mental health.
Originally Posted by Rockon
W leaves Sunday and I can’t believe her audacity, rebellion, disrespect, dishonour.
Yeah the rebellion and disrespect is unfathomable.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I am beside myself with rage and want significant harm to AP, impulse to contact him and another OM I know is involved and assert some alpha intimidation.
So a true Alpha move would be to tell your W to have fun and you will have her bags packed and will be hearing from your lawyer when she gets back.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I don’t know what to do!!
Breathe. Take it one minute at a time.

Rockon #2938253 10/07/22 04:11 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
The biggest problem for most people in this scenario is the feeling that you've lost control over your life and your future.

For years you've lived by a certain set of rules -- that if you're a good husband, you can count on your wife supporting you.

Because you're married, your relationship is a source of stability in your life.

etc. etc.

When that's suddenly ripped away and you can't understand (a) what you did to make it fall apart so suddenly, (b) why the person who used to be your partner seems to have had a complete personality change and (c) why you can't seem to do anything to make it better, it is totally destabilizing.

Your brain doesn't like this instability, and it doesn't like the unavailability of a remedy at all! Its panic-inducing.

Because of this lack of control and the fear that comes with it, you desperately, desperately want to regain your feeling of control and stability.

Your brain convinces you that the quickest way to do that is to get your wayward spouse back. If you can do that, then all the old rules still apply and there was just a temporary blip on the radar.

As a result, your brain will *compel* you to want to pursue, and everything else is a justification to allow you to do what you want.

Step back and look at some of these situations -- a person's wife cheats on them for years with several OM's. If that comes to light, a rational person would say "this woman has issues" and head the other way right? But in reality, we see time and again that the LBS convinces themselves that this cheater is the best person in the world, and they want to have them back more than anything.

WHY? Because the loss of control is devastating. The loss of control is something our brains can't process or tolerate.

If you see this in yourself, that you have lost your feeling of control, then you can come to the conclusion that this is what you need to deal with, not what your wife does or doesn't do.

LH19 #2938254 10/07/22 04:45 PM
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 1,183
Likes: 222
R
Rockon Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 1,183
Likes: 222
LH: Right. I need to focus and take control of me. Just got back from a walk (that helped) and reading your words and letting them sink in I am
Calming and resetting.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2938255 10/07/22 05:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Good Morning Rock


Breathe.



Just breathe.



One day at a time. One hour at a time. Heck, sometimes it will be one minute at a time. Lord knows I endured the minutes languishing in their passing.

It depends on the person as to what works best. Well, in actuality it is “when” works best. At times physical activity can be very helpful, and other times sitting and thinking is needed, and yet other times we just cry.

Generally, to work through our anger, physical activity works well. Sweat it out! Go for a run, do some yard work, let loose on a punching bag, etc.

Anger is perfectly normal. You have experienced a loss and will progress through the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are not linear, and do not have well defined delimitation between them. We can, and will, move back and forth between various stages, especially as new things are revealed.

That is a critical understanding. Denial is one’s psyche’s protective mechanism from such a hurt that it would severally overload or damage us. Our mind simply puts it off, ignores it, denies it, until we heal enough to be able to process that loss/hurt.

In a situation there are many many items and losses, and only a few at a time are revealed. As the days, weeks, and months progress more and more things will come to the surface, will come out of the fog of denial, and you will be angry, and barging, and be depressed, and accept each and every one of these. By the way, as you experience more and more of these you become better and better at working through it. And the best way through the bog is to keep moving forward through all the brambles. It is a heck of a slog. However, when you look back it is quite amazing what you will have learnt and the hard earned wisdom gain.

You can only control you. Your thought, actions, and reactions. These three things can and do influence your emotions, beliefs, and such. You cannot directly control your feelings, but you can influence them; help guide them and yourself to resolution and peace.

A good run or some such will help take your mind’s focus off of things. This is your conscience and controlled focus I’m talking about. Your subconscious mind will still be working away on various things; like it always does. And eventually answers will come, and you cannot greatly speed that process up. It just takes time.

Thoughts are the other area of direct control. They have an incredible influence upon ourselves. Work to limit the number of cheese-less tunnels you go down. We all need to follow some rabbit holes, so don’t worry about a few odd detours.

Everyone requires a certain amount of understanding before they can let go. You are doing perfectly fine my friend. Even though it feels very much out of control. (((Hug)))

Stay strong. Focus on you.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
1 member likes this: Rockon
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard