Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
I can totally relate to the triggers Ginger [and your OLD experiences]. Whenever my XH texts me, he always says “we” and it occurs to me that he and I stopped being “we” years ago when he started creating a second life for himself. If he had been half as dedicated to our partnership and our family as he seems to be to his new one, I know we would have had a really good shot at making it. It is hard not to take that personally…to wonder why they couldn’t be that person for us. I wasn’t perfect. No one is. But… I know that nothing I did or did not do could ever justify the choices he made and the stress and worry he put me and our children through so it is not and never has been about me. It is the same for you and your ex. The choices he made back then were about him and not about you. You are more than enough.

With respect to your financial situation and the man situation. Sorry things are so rough. I know this has been a long, hard road for you. All I can say is please do not give up hope that things will change. Stay open to possibilities and follow your gut. It is amazing, when the right person and/or the right opportunity comes along, how quickly things can turn around.

I’m with the others regarding the guy you went out with. There must have been some kind of chemistry for you to have enjoyed yourself so much. Maybe worth a second meeting?? If not a romantic one, perhaps a friend one? You never know… he may not be your person but maybe befriending him would lead you to meeting your person. I’m in a similar situation. The guy I just went out with is exactly what I was looking for on paper and while there wasn’t a huge amount of romantic chemistry, I think there was enough to warrant getting to know him better. In the past, I might have run away because I’m not “sure” about my feelings but honestly, I’m not sure about most things these days. Why should this be any different? He is definitely the cream of the crop, so to speak, when it comes to the other guys I have dated post divorce…including the two guys I had a relationship with. So I’m giving it every chance to work out.

Anyway…sending you big hugs my friend. You are not alone. We’ve all “got you”. I know that’s not the same but perhaps it will suffice until your person makes his appearance. He is out there Ginger. I know he is.

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 352
Likes: 11
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 352
Likes: 11
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I leave these dates and I go home and cry. everytime.

But inside, I am falling apart ANd I just need someone else to say " I got you"

G, have you considered signing up for a few sessions of IC?

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
Really great comments so far. Believe it or not that is refreshing rather than reading while shaking my head and rolling my eyes. WTG gang. I very much relate with what you’re going through. Now only if I had some great suggestions. I do winder if it’s not the guys but the frame of mind you’re in. I get it. It’s like a no win. Stay away from OLD or dating in general but that’s frustrating. Try dating but that’s frustrating too. It’s like a no win. But like the others, unless I’m missing something, this guy seems worth a second date. I mean what’s the downside? Is it worse to try again with the chance it doesn’t amount to anything or close the door and guarantee it won’t. It’s nice to have that first date spark where you’re often thinking about him and hoping he will call or dreaming of that next date. It’s nice when everything just falls into place but is that realistic? It seems to happen for me like once a year. I too have experienced where the other person gets more attractive as time goes on. I’ve had it said to me - either as a backhanded compliment or hopefully just a very honest person who told me right out the more time we spend together the more attractive I become. Ouch but I also get it.

I fear until you get into a better head space none of these guys are going to excite you. What else can they do? He was attractive. You had fun. Doesn’t sound like he went right to the physical with you. Well what else could he have done? Or were you just not feeling it? If so I again fear it’s you. I just don’t know how to get you out of it. But if you’re forcing yourself to date, perhaps that’s your answer. I thought you were taking a break from dating and for sure from OLD? You’re caught in this repeating cycle.

What happened to the guy your coworker was setting you up with?
What happened to the hiking group guy?


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
I had to reread what I wrote when I saw that Don approved…lol. All good. I still stand by what I said. laugh

G - Just wondering a bit more about what you mean when you say there was no “connection”. Good conversation, laughs, a physical attraction…. Aren’t all of those things indicative of some kind of a connection? I was thinking back to the date I just had and I’m not sure we made a “connection” in terms of what I think about when I hear that word. But it was a first meeting with someone I’d never had a voice conversation with or a video chat with so I’m not sure it would be realistic to expect there to be an emotional connection. You went into the date “not in the mood” and you enjoyed yourself. That’s saying something, I think.

When I got home the other night, my BIL asked me how my date went and I told him. I said I thought there would likely be a second date but I wasn’t “sure” if it would turn into something significant. He just looked at me and said, “Why would you need to know that right now?” So simple, right? Why do us overthinkers try to make it more than that? This guy is total relationship material… so much more so than the other two guys I actually had a relationship with. He has his sh*t together. Why would I not give a relationship with someone like that every opportunity to develop? I’d be a fool not to.

Also… I get what you are saying about being able to have a good time with almost anyone. I’m that way too. I’ve never been worried about awkward silences or other uncomfortable situations because frankly, as a social worker, I’ve been in the middle of situations that the minor discomfort of dinner with a stranger can’t even begin to approach so I have all of the confidence in the world that I can hold my own conversationally with anyone. I’m not sure that is fake or an act though…to me, it’s a skill and an honest interest in human beings and their lives and what makes them who they are. As a nurse, I can imagine that you are probably quite similar in that way.

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Wow, really some great feedback from everyone. I have been taking it all in throughout the day. Been really reflecting and thinking it all through.

The Date: I can't say I found him physically attractive. I basically didn't find him unattractive. It's kind of weird, I attract a certain physical type which isn't really my physical type. Aside from that. I found the date ok because he gave off no creepy vibes like my most recent dates have. It was nice that it I didn't feel uncomfortable. I was comfortable.

I understand where everyone is coming form regarding chemistry and all of that. It could build. I may feel it on the second or 3rd date. I should give it a second date. ANd I actually would! But he doesn't want to! I can't make that part happen. He hasn't rejected me, but i am to versed at this. He isn't interested in another date. I haven't heard from him and he did the good bye hug, text me when you get home, I did, told him I had a fun time and I thanked him. He was brief and said " I just got home, I had fun too" that was it. He has no desire for a second date. ANd i couldn't care less.

I just have gone on so many first dates. They are all generally the same. Very superficial as they should be with strangers. I would never share a struggle or go deep with someone on the first date. Keep it light and fun. That's all you can do. It's just the same thing over and over. I also know my heart is not really in it with these people that i don't even know. That's why I know I would do so much better with a person I just met who started as a friend and something grew.

Hiking guy was too much. He would send like 5 follow up texts if I didn't answer right away. God no. No one has anyone to set me up with. One cowoker really wants me with her brother. But apparently he likes to break up with and get back together with his awful girlfriend. That's it. Not much prospect. I am not active on any OLD platforms. They were old matches. But I decided to delete my account all together today.

This brings me to my other issues and struggles. re: friends being the person who got your back. I have some decent friends. Some who i thought were my ride or dies really aren't. But I do have good friends. But lets be real. They have their kids, husbands, jobs, families. They give the support a partner gives to their partners. WOuld they be there for me in an emergency? Absolutely. But we know partners are your partner. I also cannot be vulnerable with anyone. Here and MY old IC . That was it. I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with anyone. Even my dad gives me all of this " I want you to tell me everything" but whenever i do, he immediately invalidates any feeling i have. The last guy I became vulnerable with was M and we all know how that turned out. People in my life come to me to be vulnerable to me. FOr me to listen and support. I don't think I am capable fo flipping the script. I have no brothers no sisters, no family I am close to. My cousin is [censored] me dry of everything emotionally, and I can't really be vulnerable with her.

In a nutshell, I am depressed. I have been struggling for so long thinking and hoping eventually things will get easier and they don't. I have worked very hard to try to make things easier and better for myself. To no real avail. I work hard, very hard, and i am broke. I lay up at night looking for a solution and right now the only one is to find more ways ot make money. I am stuck here, in this house in this state, with one income for at the very least 3.5 years. I do all the heavy lifting in parenting even though my ex and i get along. I am the problem solver, the motivator, the one on top of her school,her friends, her healthcare, her everything. My ex does none of that. He has no clue in what's going on in her life.

I was in the worst fog today. My brain was not processing at work today. I am usually very quick and on point. Not today. Not lately. I had to go grocery shopping after work on no energy, I cried in my driveway. D is having a bunch of friends come over tomorrow, 2 have never been over, and they are rich. She goes to a county school and I live in a pricey county. My house is a disaster because I haven't had time or energy. I am embarrassed to have these kids come to my tiny messy home. I am waking up at 5:30 am tomorrow to clean. I have no energy now. And then a nor easter is coming friday into saturday and i have only saturday off and i have to be out there every hour shoveling.

I have absolutely thought about going back to IC. But it is way to overwhelming to me. For one, finding someone in network and then finding the time to go . and then I get so overwhelmed at where to begin. To go through everything again. I don't know if I have the capacity to do it. To speak of how i got to where i am now.It's too much for me right now. But i know I should.

I feel like I cant keep going like this. But I also have no other options. That;s the worst part

1 member likes this: Traveler
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Ginger, you rock, getting up at 5:30 tomorrow to clean the place so your kids feel comfortable having their friends over. I hope you’re able relax some tonight. You deserve it.

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Girl friend - you need a break. And some single girlfriends.

You're an awesome mom. And I'm sorry your ex is so useless, but then we knew that, right?

3 1/2 years seems like a long time but it'll be gone before you know it. Then you'll have some options - like selling your house and taking the equity to a less expensive housing market, or becoming a traveling nurse and making better money, or just working shifts again.

You do sound depressed, and please make sure you're taking your meds if you have them, and taking some supplements that can help. Find a way to do some self care. Take a sick day as a mental health day if you need to. Plan something to look forward to for you. Start thinking about groups or activities you might want to get involved in in the future that could be more promising in terms of getting to know people. Make a vision board.

(((((Hug)))))

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
Ginger,

I'm sorry you're depressed and struggling. It must be difficult to deal with work during COVID, financial stresses, serve as the primary parent raising your daughter....all on your own for such a long time and without the partner you had signed up for it with.

I don't know you IRL but get the sense you're a wonderful mother and will be a great catch for someone when the person and time is right. I'll echo what others have said about opening up to the possibility of giving the 1st dates a 2nd or 3rd date to see if a connection/attraction develops. Or, perhaps don't date at all for awhile to reset your mindset.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I work hard, very hard, and i am broke. I lay up at night looking for a solution and right now the only one is to find more ways ot make money.
I don't know the history of your child support agreement with ExH - you've mention he makes less than you and therefore doesn't pay much, but also have said between him and OW they go on vacations and buy things you can't afford. They seem to want to be friends with you and act almost like a family in some sense. I wonder if you could approach him about the topic and ask for a bit more financial support for your daughter as you're the primary? Perhaps they've be reasonable there as time has passed, considering they invite you over for game night. Or maybe I'm completely off base.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I do all the heavy lifting in parenting even though my ex and i get along. I am the problem solver, the motivator, the one on top of her school,her friends, her healthcare, her everything. My ex does none of that. He has no clue in what's going on in her life.
I'm sure this must be incredibly difficult, but you're getting the better deal. Poor guy...he won't know what he's missed.

Hang in there! Keep being a great mom!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 368
Likes: 36
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 368
Likes: 36
Ginger…

I’ve been offline for a while… I’m sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed and unsupported. It’s very hard to be the strong one for everyone and have no one really do that for you. I also have this problem. Thank goodness that this group is here and we are all with you…but I know it’s not exactly the same as having someone right there to hug you, say I got you, hand you a glass of wine and just do stuff for you so you can rest. And to really listen to you and be there for you.

I’ve been reading about how after the level of trauma we’ve been under how the ordinary (or even pleasant) can feel so, well, not right. It very well could be that when you go on these dates there is no chemistry, but I think after what has happened to you, it might be hard to really know you are actually not feeling chemistry versus just not feeling the familiar (as in trauma response). After all the drama, anything easy or good just feels off. At least that is what I am feeling and thinking is happening to me. Maybe it speaks to you as well?

I agree that judging someone on the first date isn’t always going to tell you what you need to know. If you had a nice time and would enjoy seeing the person again, what do you have to loose by going on a couple more dates and digging deeper into who someone is? Lord knows that the older we get, and the more drama we have experienced, the more we might be protecting ourselves and not really showing our true selves to others right away.

Anyway, hang in there. You are an awesome mom. It will get better. Just know it. Just be sure to fill your own tank. Hugs to you…

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Ginger - I'm so sorry you are still struggling so much.

I have some unsolicited advice for you that you won't like.

Sell the house and go back to renting.

I know that cost-wise it's probably similar monthly costs but the wind-fall from the house equity would probably help clear out a bunch of bills.

I know you love the house and the fact that you, as a single-hard-working Mom are a home-owner and that you are very proud of that.

It's also I think a source of a lot of your financial and other stress. You're stretched too thin and are living house-poor.

If you're thinking of moving out of the area eventually anyway, renting gives you more flexibility on when/how/if you make that choice.

((Ginger))


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard