Glutton for punishment

[Ginger1]

A little bit of both

[kml]

G- I don't think you're being too picky. You might be passing over some guys who are too available, because chasing after the difficult or unavailable types feels more familiar to your childhood experiences. But you've worked really hard to be more picky - to take time to decide if a guy is right for YOU, rather than spending all your energy trying to convince difficult guys that you were right for THEM. You did a lot of hard work around this issue and you've made a lot of progress. You don't scare guys off by coming on too strong anymore. You look more carefully at who they are. All good things.

I was reading an article the other day about how hard it is making friends in adulthood. And while I don't remember everything it said, the gist was that the keys to making friends organically are continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability.

Those things are easy to come by when you're young but less so as we get older. The psychologist quoted said: "Franco insists that while making friends later in life largely doesn't happen organically like it did back when you were in school, it's far from impossible.

They key, she tells WBUR, is not to rely on chance and instead to organize regularly scheduled group activities like a book club, rotating potluck, or biweekly Saturday hike. (Strangely, singing together has been scientifically shown to be a particularly effective way to cement friendships, so maybe search out a local choir if you're musical.)

Not only does this nudge the time-strapped to find time in their schedules for friends; it also shifts friendship from a one-to-one tie to a group endeavor, making it easier to sustain in the face of adulthood's inevitable stresses.

"Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch," Franco explains.

It's also essential to get over your initial shyness and actually ask for new people's contact information. This might make you feel awkward or vulnerable, but Franco reassures the reluctant that these conversations are likely to go much better than you fear. "We all have this tendency to think we're more likely to be rejected than we actually are," she says. "

Now - while this article (in Inc) was discussing friendships, I imagine the same would be true for romantic relationships. Maybe some of these strategies will become more available to you as the pandemic calms down.

But it's not you.

[BL42]

Ginger1,

By the way, for all of those who think it’s great I am where I am with my ex and his wife, well, I still have triggers. Petty triggers.

When we talk about weekends and custody he always says “WE have her “ when he says we in regards to my daughter my heart races and my blood pressure goes up.

When he speaks of they vacation they are taking her on over spring break I get very upset. Heart rate and BP up again.

As you know, I empathize with your situation. I think those triggers are perfectly normal and completely understandable, and can imagine it still stings...even after so long. Sorry :-/

[DnJ]

Hello G

By the way, for all of those who think it’s great I am where I am with my ex and his wife, well, I still have triggers. Petty triggers.

Sorry G. Darn triggers.

Uncouple that irrational tie between event and trigger. You cannot control if they say “we” or not. You can control your thoughts, actions, and reactions; which in turn will influence your emotions; which together with your thoughts will influence your beliefs and convictions. Those deeply held core values that lead us and stir up such triggers.

When he speaks of they vacation they are taking her on over spring break I get very upset. Heart rate and BP up again. 1) I can’t afford to take her anywhere like sand Diego where they are taking her 2) it’s just the 3 of them on a happy family trip and I’m sure everyone thinks that’s her daughter 3) I hate that I’m still alone and can’t do these things.

So. Some things never go away. This I think will never go away. And yes, you feel it much more when you don’t have a partner of your own . Having your own partner and your own “family” vacations definitely makes it much easier.

Why are you very upset?

The listed three points I suspect are not the deep cause.

1) Ok, you cannot afford to go to San Diego. Stop comparing. No need to.

2) Would you rather D had a unhappy trip? Or rather this was less family-like? I’m sure somewhere deep inside there is a little wee spot that would be ok if D didn’t want to go. And I’m also sure that a much larger spot would feel really bad if that were the case. Make inner peace with this wee spot.

And yes, D would probably appear and be assumed to be their daughter. Let it go. You cannot control that. Besides, remember, you are Mom! D knows that. And D loves you.

3) Hate. That is a passionate response. A thing like that can blind one to the blessing before them.


I empathize with your frustration. And with the feeling like this will never go away or change. G, all feelings are fleeting. They will flit away unless they are reinforced. And long term reinforcement comes from one’s beliefs; from deeply held convictions.

An example: You feel it much more when you don’t have a partner of your own.

Not accurate nor true. My XW has a partner and the torment she endures is horrible. The truth is, a partner is not a requisite of a happy life. That happiness comes from within.


Another: Having your own partner and your own “family” vacations definitely makes it much easier.

Nope. Your, imagination is leading you astray. It can be much easier or it can be much more difficult. The ease, peace, and joy again starts with what’s inside; not if there is a partner or a lavish family vacation.


The grass is greenest where one waters it.

If one nurtures imagined things, fertilizes events outside of their own life, their crop will be one which is not desired.

Look to your life and that which is within your control and influence. And nurture. Water it well. Peace and contentment will grow and flourish.

Find the deep cause of these triggers and stop watering. Let it wither.

Put your efforts and resources to much better use.

D

[Ginger1]

Oh boy.

KML, thank you for recognizing that i have come a long way in not pretzeling myself and becoming too available. I am definitely more picky than I have ever been. The pendulum has definitely swung in the other direction. I don't know how healthy that is for me either.

DNJ, I have come to a point in my life where I can still feel stuff, I recognize the feelings, and I allow myself ot feel whatever it is. I am a chronic overhthinker and feeler, so for me, it's a little different, I tend to not delve deep anymore and take my feelings and emotions for face value. I am able to seperate my feelings from what hurts me and makes me upset, from what is good for my daughter. I can recognize I can be hurt, personally, while knowing my daughter is daughter is happy and getting some amazing opportunities. I can feel pain for me and happiness for her at the same time and totally be able to separate them

I went on a date tonight. I went in with not the best attitude because I am exhausted and just not in the dating mood. But it was fun. He was cool, but there was no romantic connection I believe on either of our parts. I know he was physically attracted to me, but chemistry it was not. Good convo, laughs, etc, but something missing.

But something has been missing forever for years since M. If I am physically attracted I am not emotionally attracted. Or I am neither. And I know the other side feels something missing too on an emotional chemistry level. Those who want another date with me, I don't want it with them. I feel nothing. And those who do want another date I think it's because they are physically attracted to me, but not emotiionally. Which is weird for me, because I never thought my looks were my best best feature.

I realize, how many dates that are basically blind can i go on? It has become an act in a way. It's too my disadvantage that I have the ability to get along with anyone. I can laugh, I can keep a convo, I am generally charming. But I know it most come off as fake or not genuine. Nothing i feels genuine on all these blind dates without connection. I am not being fake, I am just being me. But it all feels so fake.

I leave these dates and I go home and cry. everytime. l like I have been too and single too long to ever be able to form a genuine connection again. If it ever does happen for me, it won't be through OLD dating again. It will have to be something that grows through getting to know someone over time. That's the only way I have connected with anyone that i ever truly felt a connection for. M was the only guy through OLD that I had a true connection with. everyone else was IRL.

I am struggling big time lately. I am working 6 days a week to make ends meet. Trying to keep up with the house, with the gym with my diet, with making sure my daughter is cared for and has what she needs. Trying to stay on top of her grades and getting her into better study habits. Helping her keep up with her social life. Work is an extra challenge. Aside from working myself to death, our department is struggling and people look to me often. But I am not the manager. I have volunteered to do a presentation to coworkers to help with all their questions and concerns. I ma getting a certification that will help the department and at the same time get some some side money. If i can market myself with this certification well, I can make some good money.

My struggle is real. It is ongoing. Nothing gets easier. I just have to keep working harder and harder. And I am so physically and emotionally tired. And I don't know how much more I can take. Something has got to give. To everyone on the outside I am some sort of super woman. I am a rock, my attitude is upbeat, I am here for everyone. But inside, I am falling apart ANd I just need someone else to say " I got you"

[kml]

Yeah, that’s the best. Even us strong girls need someone to lean on once in a while.

Be a little careful about judging chemistry on the first date. I’ve dated men that it was mega chemistry from the first date. And I’ve dated men where I didn’t feel the chemistry at first, but they won me over, over time. In retrospect, the longest relationships I’ve had have fallen into the second category.

Some people get more attractive over time as you get to know them better.

Now, if you felt there was no chemistry because you didn’t have similar values or goals, or because he was just someone you couldn’t ever imagine being physically attracted to, that’s a different matter. But some people deserve a second date before you make up your mind. Which category does he fall into?

[kml]

Btw, those guys I’ve dated with the mega chemistry on the first date? Almost all turned out to be Love Avoidants or otherwise unavailable. Just saying, sometimes what sets off our “chemistry” isn’t what’s good for us, but what triggers our childhood wounds.

[Traveler]

I went on a date tonight. I went in with not the best attitude because I am exhausted and just not in the dating mood. But it was fun. He was cool, but there was no romantic connection I believe on either of our parts. I know he was physically attracted to me, but chemistry it was not. Good convo, laughs, etc, but something missing.

Ginger, you point out when I'm shooting myself in the foot with my date selection. He was fun, cool, and physically attractive--umm, why not give it time to see if it develops?! Fun bodes well for a couple of more dates!

If it ever does happen for me, it won't be through OLD dating again. It will have to be something that grows through getting to know someone over time.

Why are you willing to wait to see what grows if you meet IRL but not if you meet OLD??

I leave these dates and I go home and cry. everytime.

Awww. If it's that much of a chore I can see why you want a break!

I am struggling big time lately. I am working 6 days a week to make ends meet. Trying to keep up with the house, with the gym with my diet, with making sure my daughter is cared for and has what she needs. But inside, I am falling apart ANd I just need someone else to say " I got you"

Wow--that's a lot to deal with. Sending prayers. Like the songs say, "Even heroes have a right to say, it's not easy, being me." I wonder if the "fake" is that on first dates you feel you can't open up about the reality of your fight?

[AndrewP]

M was the only guy through OLD that I had a true connection with. everyone else was IRL.

Don't forget though that as I remember you were peddling both ends of that bicycle and he was largely going along for the ride. Not to mention the other things like his need to light up a joint all the time plus undoubtedly other stuff that might not have come out.

I can understand how it's easy to look back and see the good. I have a hard time looking back to the exact same time when I happened to be dating "B" and seeing the things then that weren't good for me and only remembering the good.

To do the over-analyzing thing, perhaps one of the reasons you felt such a connection with M was that you were doing all the work and thus making the dream you wanted?

There's a hardware store I go to from time to time knowing that the woman who works at the service desk there will always make sure that I leave with what I need, not necessarily what I came in looking for. Be nice if OLD worked that way too ((G))

[Traveler]

I just need someone else to say " I got you"

I like what Andrew wrote. It takes time to build a relationship like that. Maybe Mr. fun, attractive, and cool would be the type to say that—if you knew him, if he knew you.

I also see my own angst in your comment. You also want someone to be there for you. As I posed in my thread, why must that be someone you’re sleeping with, why can’t that be a friend?