My WH may not understand my logic right now (being so driven by his feelings), but in years to come he might & it's for that I wanted a final email.
I know that me being 'right' will not bring him back or take him out of his Feeling Fog.
Oh, and it's not that important, but to clarify, my WH dropped the bomb and separated when I was 4 months pregnant and has been making moves since them to live o/seas with OW. He goes in a matter of weeks.
I would pass any final emails past some of the veterans here. I think you also need to be clear as to why you want to send it. I can see healthy and unhealthy reasons and you want to get the most benefit for yourself from it if you do send one.
I have no idea what will take them out of a fog. I think of it like grace...sort of an alcoholic who has an epiphany and realizes the drinking is ruining their whole life. They don't wake up one day and start pondering on it - it usually comes in like a lightning bolt that shakes the crap out of them.
It can be triggered by everyday mundane things. Washing dishes, staring out a window, a smell, a song, music, a memory, just out of the blue, something someone says. Look at all of us here - it was a bomb that woke us from a slumber.
I don't remember the persons name on this board. But he was in front of the judge 2 or 3 times for the final divorce hearing. I'm not sure what happened, but at the last one his wife did a reversal. He had written her a letter and gave it to her at some point in time. If I can remember who it was I'll point you in that direction. But that's how things can turn on a dime.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I wish I had been able to apply such a philosophy sooner in my situation, but the reason I didn't, and couldn't, is one that is ignored by this philosophy. My kids. My young kids who were being put through h*ll by their mother's reckless actions. I couldn't just say "Fine. You want him, you can have him", because I would effectively be saying "Fine. I freely give up half my kids' lives, and have no problem with you bringing a predator step-father into their lives." I was also grieving horribly for the loss of the family the kids were enduring. When kids are involved, especially young kids, it's not a simple act of letting the wayward spouse go, because they take some of the kids' lives with them. No court in my state would have ever awarded me with full custody.
Now that I've made it through my sitch, and am in a pretty good place, I've thought a lot about this. If we didn't have kids, how would I have acted differently? I am convinced that had we not had kids, I would have been able to let go and move on, much easier, and much sooner. I would have been able to employ complete no contact almost immediately and started healing. I would have been able to freely think about a new life, totally unencumbered by my past failed M. Thoughts of all the women out there who would "treat me right" wouldn't have been burdened with the added "need to be a great step-mom" too.
When kids are involved, "setting them free", is much more complicated, IMO. [/quote]
This is the exact problem I am facing. I may not be 100% committed to letting my wife go, but I am trying. With two young kids though, even if she not having an affiar at the moment, it will only be a matter of time before she finds someone again. The thought of another man spending as much time with my kids as I will be allowed kills me.
So when I am in dettach mode, it rips my heart out because it feels like I am gambling my futute with my children. How is a man supposed to do that and begin to feel better about himself. I am very early in my problems, they have just been brought to my attention, but this last week has been terrible, and I do not know how I will be able to to do this for any length of time....
Me:33 W: 31 M: 8 T: 13 S: 6 D: 8 months The Bomb 7/22/10 "I can't do this anymore, I'm done" http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2048765&page=1
This is the exact problem I am facing. I may not be 100% committed to letting my wife go, but I am trying. With two young kids though, even if she not having an affiar at the moment, it will only be a matter of time before she finds someone again. The thought of another man spending as much time with my kids as I will be allowed kills me. So when I am in dettach mode, it rips my heart out because it feels like I am gambling my futute with my children. How is a man supposed to do that and begin to feel better about himself. I am very early in my problems, they have just been brought to my attention, but this last week has been terrible, and I do not know how I will be able to to do this for any length of time....
As for some OM spending time with your kids you need to talk to your W and inform her it would not be wise to bring OM in and out of the kids lives.
I agree with you that when kids are invovled it takes much more time to detach. But I will tell you as time goes on you will be able to as long as you: 1. take care of yourself 2. be the best dad towards your kids when you have them 3. focus on the future (Postive)
I am going on my 1 year anniversary here and I can tell you I've come a long way since the start.
I am currently using plan 2b, seeing OW. This is a very powerful thing with a spouse sees you with someone else. I heard it really gets their attention.
keep moving forward
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I wish I had been able to apply such a philosophy sooner in my situation, but the reason I didn't, and couldn't, is one that is ignored by this philosophy. My kids. My young kids who were being put through h*ll by their mother's reckless actions. I couldn't just say "Fine. You want him, you can have him", because I would effectively be saying "Fine. I freely give up half my kids' lives, and have no problem with you bringing a predator step-father into their lives." I was also grieving horribly for the loss of the family the kids were enduring. When kids are involved, especially young kids, it's not a simple act of letting the wayward spouse go, because they take some of the kids' lives with them. No court in my state would have ever awarded me with full custody.
Nobody here has ever advocated that thinking. Your WAS is already splitting time with the kids and introducing the OP to them. That's why you have a L, Gucci calls it "having your ducks in a row." Seperation/Divorce agreements have some very specific language about time your children can spend with other adults. Break a judges order and see how that works for you.
A WAS and their L know how to prey on your "feelings." A good DBer will check their emotions/feelings at the door (detach), use their brain and combat their WAS feelings with feelings. You can't apply your logic to someone else's feelings and expect it to influence them. You change how they feel about you.
Quote:
My young kids who were being put through h*ll by their mother's reckless actions.
How much control does any of of us have over another person? You can take lots of productive action for yourself and your family. Protect your finances and emotional well-being. Know your legal rights. Use your spiritual side. Be loving to yourself, kids, family and your WAS. Be a person of high character, values and morals. Set personal, legal, moral boundaries and enforce them. Become the best person you can in a tough enviroment - thrive.
I think fear is the biggest enemy of any DBer. The solution is to "love yourself." All the DB techniques and good advice here boils down to that concept. It's very attractive as well. How confident do you look when you accept that you are already dead (divorced)? It's not that you don't want to survive but that you accept that you don't control the outcome but will do whatever the situation calls for without hesitation. You have to be prepared - understand how the game is played and know what works given the situation. Do you want to go up against a prepared, disciplined, able, strong, and determined opponent? Who would you follow? Lead your family.
Strength and Honor
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I wish I had been able to apply such a philosophy sooner in my situation, but the reason I didn't, and couldn't, is one that is ignored by this philosophy. My kids. My young kids who were being put through h*ll by their mother's reckless actions. I couldn't just say "Fine. You want him, you can have him", because I would effectively be saying "Fine. I freely give up half my kids' lives, and have no problem with you bringing a predator step-father into their lives." I was also grieving horribly for the loss of the family the kids were enduring. When kids are involved, especially young kids, it's not a simple act of letting the wayward spouse go, because they take some of the kids' lives with them. No court in my state would have ever awarded me with full custody.
Nobody here has ever advocated that thinking. Your WAS is already splitting time with the kids and introducing the OP to them. That's why you have a L, Gucci calls it "having your ducks in a row." Seperation/Divorce agreements have some very specific language about time your children can spend with other adults. Break a judges order and see how that works for you.
A WAS and their L know how to prey on your "feelings." A good DBer will check their emotions/feelings at the door (detach), use their brain and combat their WAS feelings with feelings. You can't apply your logic to someone else's feelings and expect it to influence them. You change how they feel about you.
Quote:
My young kids who were being put through h*ll by their mother's reckless actions.
How much control does any of of us have over another person? You can take lots of productive action for yourself and your family. Protect your finances and emotional well-being. Know your legal rights. Use your spiritual side. Be loving to yourself, kids, family and your WAS. Be a person of high character, values and morals. Set personal, legal, moral boundaries and enforce them. Become the best person you can in a tough enviroment - thrive.
I think fear is the biggest enemy of any DBer. The solution is to "love yourself." All the DB techniques and good advice here boils down to that concept. It's very attractive as well. How confident do you look when you accept that you are already dead (divorced)? It's not that you don't want to survive but that you accept that you don't control the outcome but will do whatever the situation calls for without hesitation. Do you want to face that person? Who would you follow? Lead your family.
.... That's why you have a L, Gucci calls it "having your ducks in a row." Seperation/Divorce agreements have some very specific language about time your children can spend with other adults. Break a judges order and see how that works for you.
A WAS and their L know how to prey on your "feelings." A good DBer will check their emotions/feelings at the door (detach), use their brain and combat their WAS feelings with feelings(Coach is that a typo?). You can't apply your logic to someone else's feelings and expect it to influence them. You change how they feel about you.(Same thing here coach?)
Let me tell you the mistake I almost made. When my W first said she didn't want to try and she wanted a D I nearly folded. I almost just agreed to what she wanted due to my ignorance of how I thought custody, child support, etc... worked. I saw a lawyer. Everything changed.
He would tell me, "Think with your head and not your heart." That was a foreign concept to me in this sitch but I eventually wrapped my head around it. That made all the difference. I separated the legal stuff from everything else. I decided to play hard ball legally, but not let that spill over to the rest of my life.
I was told by some people here, leave your W out of the decision making process. Don't make legal decisions based on anything to do with how it will affect her. She is the opponent and we obviously have opposite and competing interests. You are in the same boat.
Get a good lawyer and fight.
Originally Posted By: Coach
How much control does any of of us have over another person? You can take lots of productive action for yourself and your family. Protect your finances and emotional well-being. Know your legal rights. Use your spiritual side. Be loving to yourself, kids, family and your WAS. Be a person of high character, values and morals. Set personal, legal, moral boundaries and enforce them. Become the best person you can in a tough enviroment - thrive.
I think fear is the biggest enemy of any DBer. The solution is to "love yourself." All the DB techniques and good advice here boils down to that concept. It's very attractive as well. How confident do you look when you accept that you are already dead (divorced)? It's not that you don't want to survive but that you accept that you don't control the outcome but will do whatever the situation calls for without hesitation. You have to be prepared - understand how the game is played and know what works given the situation. Do you want to go up against a prepared, disciplined, able, strong, and determined opponent? Who would you follow? Lead your family.
Strength and Honor
This is why I love Coach so much. He always hits the mark. :-)
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
One month ago, my husband suddenly blind-sided me by saying that he was done. We had been "out of sync" for 2 days, but not actually fighting. I learned a week later that he had been communicating with another woman for about 10 days but not having an affair. I set him free; made it easy for him to go even while struggling to pay the bills alone. However, it is no easier to detach from him. I love him and expected to grow old with him. How do and when do the feelings go away? And when I read posts like this one, it just makes me want to wait for him to come back. Help! The pain is so difficult.
