Then when she asks where you were, just tell her you had a little too much to drink, or you got tired and didn't want to drive home because of your condition and that you had a friend drop you off at a motel.. Then walk away from her...
As I know Dan's situation, BAD IDEA.
Dan,
1) NEVER, I repeat NEVER let on you may have drank too much while the divorce is ongoing (even if it is a farse)- CUSTODY ISSUE.
2) You don't have to explain jack diddly of where you've been, who you were with and what you've done. Not only is SHE the one committing the adultry, but where would that leave the mystery in things? The only time you have to let her know your whereabouts is where you are taking the kids. Period.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
so him telling his wife that he went out, drank too much, acted responsibly by not drinking and driving back home and staying at a hotel is a bad thing, I would hope everyone who drinks and recognizes that they're not capable of driving safely.
just my 0.02 cents but yes I can also see the other side of this issue as well, the question may be brought up about possible drinking habits, etc.
I can also see the other side of this issue as well, the question may be brought up about possible drinking habits, etc.
Exactly my point. My (x)W was as big a drinker if not more than me during the D, and she was doing other things. Yet, name of the game when it comes down to custody and the dollars involved to be received by the one who receives the majority of said custody will do ANYTHING to paint themselves the saint, ANYTHING. And Dan's W already knows she's in a financial bind and will be even more so.
I hate to see history repest itself, especially to others who are the position to stop it.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
How do approach the setting them free when they believe that THEY are setting US free?
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
I'm not sure they truly believe they are setting US free. It is one of a number of ways they rationalize what they are doing...it's the old, it's not you, it's me line.
They are trying to set themselves free, but whatever it is that creates their shame for doing what they're doing, ie: guilt, they use the 'you deserve better' mentality. (If this is the line of thinking you are talking about by your post??)
You don't approach setting them free. You do it. It doesn't depend on what they are doing.
IMO the question you asked seems to come from a place where you would use setting them free as a tool to get a certain reaction from them. 'If I set them free, then they'll come back'. Under this pretense, it's not setting them free at all. Just another attempt at control and manipulation, which in my experience always has a way of backfiring on me.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Based on my experience you don't set them free. Faking it till you make it isn't it. Thinking you set them free isn't it. Vascilating from not caring to caring isn't it.
One day you just realize that you have set them free. In one R I was in many years ago she left me for another guy. I remember being in the shower and then it hit me - like a lightning strike. It just didn't matter any more. She was free - and more importantly I was too.
Recently in this sitch, I just realized out of the blue - she's free and so am I.
I look at it like Grace. It just happens.
I'm not saying you can't work you arse off to get there. I know it was a combination of working out my codependent dysfunction; removing unhealthy hooks; her vindictive and 'evil' decisions/actions/words; time; regaining my self respect; etc..
The time-line is unique to each individual and each situation. But once you get there you'll know it. I'm certain of that. If you're wondering if you're there yet, you aren't, so keep working.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I posted this on my thread alittle while go and thought it might ask some questions and provoke some thoughts here, too.
How do you 'set them" free and not be concerned about what they are doing to themselves and the family while continuing to put the effort into exposure; gathering intel and anything else that is directed at 'saving the marriage'? Seems very conflicted.
To want to save the marriage you must clearly have a desire to have W back. (Maybe not-is that the point?)
If you don't want W, then why save the marriage?
Or is it just releasing them from any attempt to "control; direct or save" them while continuing to remain committed to the idea that the M is still the best thing for "the family members"?
It's an odd theory to grasp.
Or is it how I feel right now? As in, clearly, what she is doing now with OM and to the family is irresponsible and this is NOT a person I want to be married to. Am I stuck on the idea that she is still the same person I married? (I still believe SHE is in there somewhere)She is obviously NOT that person.
Are my efforts toward the M (where hers are away from M) simply for my own benefit in that I need to have the opportunity WITH her (after months of no contact with OM) to prove through MC, etc, that the M is NOT rebuildable and we should actually D?
How do I frame these two seemingly incongruent intentions? Save a marriage that requires them and let them go at the same time?
Or have I been phrasing the second intention incorrectly? Is Letting Go not about releasing THEM but realizing that WE need to let OURSELVES go?
"I do not want to divorce but if your decision is that you don't love me and haven't since 2007, then I deserve better and I need to move on"
A statement like this is clearly not a tactic to keep them. It is me releasing ME from her not the other way around! Is that what we're aiming for?
Apologies if this is "Brain drool" but I need to think my way clear of this crossed-purpose conflict.
