Setting them free

[dday101798]

What happens if you 'set them free' but they won't go away???

In my experience, that was (x)W's way of begging for help, for me to 'smack her over the head and take her away from the evil situation she put herself in'.

[Bridgestone]

If I keep ignoring him will it really go away?

yes ... you are giving him a reward by responding.

If I respond when my XH gets in his woe-is-me (or pissy) texting mode ... I send one final text.

Good night.. or bye...

something indicating I am no longer reading and the conversation is done. Then I set my phone on silent & go GAL.

At first it increases the frequency of the texts as they text and/or call to see if they can hook you in... but then eventually, even ones like Dan & my XH learn that they aren't going to get from you what ever it was they were seeking.

You are in education.. read about how it works for teachers & student behaviours here.

http://wik.ed.uiuc.edu/index.php/Extinction

Note particularly the section about extinticon by omission

Extinction by Omission

In these cases the teacher or authority figure completely removes any reinforcement in response to the student’s misbehavior. As seen above, this may require the teacher to completely ignore the student. Generally, in cases where omission is used the teacher can expect:

* An initial increase in the frequency of the unwanted behavior (O’Reilly et al., 1999)
* An escalation in the type of misbehavior the student is engaging in (Shukla-Mehta and Albin, 2003)
* An extended (and sometimes repeated) period of time for the treatment to take effect (O’Reilly et al., 1999)

Think of dealing with Dan's texting & unwanted drop-ins, bad communication like you would one of the students. How would you handle that?

Bridge

[newmama]

Something like "I am OK with your decision to leave and actually, with you out the way, I can be the best mother possible to this child. I am looking forward to bringing her up and perhaps growing our family one day with someone special who wants to be with us. I get it now that you love OW - go off and be with her. I see now you are right for each other". Would that be it?


I mean, I actually don't think I really beleive the above...part of me thinks it's partly a crock of sh!t. Am I the one with the acceptance problem?

I HAVE NEVER said "I want you and OW to be happy" and I refuse to because it is a lie! I did say back in March 09 when I "set him free" physically, (WARNING- offensive language here...but I was 8months pregnant and it was the last and only time I went OFF on my stbxh and was unleashed! I never posted it in my thread--and it is only what I remember saying because I was in a rage, throwing things, banging the table and crying....)

"fine. I will not force you or talk you into being with me. Obviously you want her. So go ahead--go after your F-ing DREAM GIRL SOULMATE TRUE LOVE! You can have as much f-ing sex with her and be stupid enough to believe all of her f-ing fake orgasms and you can become wrapped up in her drama! I hope it feels so f-ing good to f her p--y and it's worth it to leave YOUR PREGNANT WIFE that you promised to love and cherish for the rest of your life! And you are choosing P--Y over your son!!! You (*&^%$##^*()@!@#$^ !!"

[DumpedforMIL]

i think part of the deal with setting them free is to free yourself from the anger as well.

anger rots your soul.

someone very clever here said .. it's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die/feel the pain.

you are only hurting yourself. you deserve better than that.

[dday101798]

You know, there's a 'comic relief' thread of sorts over in "surviving" that had a joke describing the medical difference in having guts, and having balls, however to have the brass to screw around a pregnant woman, is beyond words towards insane

[dday101798]

i think part of the deal with setting them free is to free yourself from the anger as well.

EXACTLY!

You can not change them or their actions. And the more you wallow over it and try and try again to change it, the more you drag yourself down.

It's like trying to save someone in a boat while your on shore, and they have doused themselvees in gasoline and are ready to strike a match, your instinct says to save them, but guess what? You can't swim.

[newmama]

I agree! I was angry in March 09, and didn't get angry again until April 10 through June. Now I feel indifferent...just sympathy for the poor, unfortunate soul....pathetic! that my stbxh is right now! But it felt good to be so angry at him initially and my hormones were raging!

[BobbiJo]

What happens if you 'set them free' but they won't go away???

In my experience, that was (x)W's way of begging for help, for me to 'smack her over the head and take her away from the evil situation she put herself in'.

Yeah but I don't want to have to be the rescuer......I know you guys are reconciled, so apparently that worked for you guys? I don't think that would work here.

[dday101798]

What happens if you 'set them free' but they won't go away???

In my experience, that was (x)W's way of begging for help, for me to 'smack her over the head and take her away from the evil situation she put herself in'.

Yeah but I don't want to have to be the rescuer......I know you guys are reconciled, so apparently that worked for you guys? I don't think that would work here.

Ahh, see I knew I had to throw that in somehow.....In my setting her free, I DIDN'T do that for her and let her clean up her own mess. I don't think we'd be anywhere remotely close to where we are now if I did.

[Piano]

You know, there's a 'comic relief' thread of sorts over in "surviving" that had a joke describing the medical difference in having guts, and having balls, however to have the brass to screw around a pregnant woman, is beyond words towards insane

Ha! True!

So, is leaving a pregnant woman another category altogether then (in the dealbreaker/inexcusable stakes)? Or is that just a fiction we tell ourselves to feed our martyrdom?

No, we shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with us. And anger eats you alive.

It's OK to say "I am better off without you", but how can you add "and so is our unborn child".

It's just not true, IMHO.

Maybe that's why the Robx speech can't be adapated to this sitch... Because you cannot say you are OK with their choice?

*Newmama, thanks for having the guts to share your rant. I gave that one too!