gucci .. help me achieve the possibility of reconciliation. there is no evidence of A, or OW.
my mistake is that i didn't kick him out when i should have. i gave up the master bedroom. i didn't go near him since he dropped the d-bomb. we eventually sold the house and moved into separate apartments. GAL has given me some kind of happiness but i found that physical activity like squash made me feel better. it's exercise.
we play squash at the same club but that's about it. there is no contact. my journey is in the separated forum. i want some insight as to why he is behaving the way he is. i haven't a clue. can you point out what i'm not seeing?
Gucci, re my previous post, any tips on how to acheive a full walk-away when there is an unborn baby OR a newborn baby in the mix.
I know that we are not supposed to see our sitchs as unique, but there are a few first time mums here on the forums with WAH's with or without an OW in the mix.
Detaching, Walking Away, Letting Go, are very tricky at the best of times, near impossible though when you have a new baby or are waiting to give birth to your WAH's child.
One can't 'hand over' a newborn baby to it's father, as you can with older children who already have an established relationshiop with both parents. New mothers have to be nearby the newborn at all times (even if it means in the next room) if she is nursing because they feed almost constantly, for one -- a rhythm to which no firm schedule can be applied. Plus you are encouraged to give as much visitation access to the father so they can bond with their baby and hopefully be involved with co-parenting - this is widely seen as the Right thing to do by the child.
We are all devastated by WAS's. But any perenatal psychologist would say a woman is experiencing extreme hormonal peeks when she is pregnant and in the weeks post birth. Every fibre in the mother's being wants to keep her family intact. It is perhaps, if we allow it, a small point of difference-physiologically the pregnant woman is a hormonal beast!
I am having trouble Letting Go when I have to see WH so he can see the baby in my presence (I now sit in another room and have a family member present instead, but I would like to be courageous enough again to facilitate the visitations myself).
Plus, and this is another put where I get stuck, is how do you give the Robx "I'm OK with this too" speech when there is nothing OK about a father walking out on a pregnant wife ? Or is that a judegemental, value-ladden falsity (ie controlling)?
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
I feel really bad for what the timing of everything with you being pregnant. I wasn't physically left by my husband but while i was pregnant was when the cheating began for me. I think i partly used the same rationalization for staying as you are stating above which is so that our newborn son could be around both parents. In the end for me it was good and bad. My husband got to do some initial bonding with our son but it was bad on me because I was stressed and partly depressed at a time that was suppose to be happy for me.
All that to say that you have to do what is best for YOU AND YOUR BABY. It sounds harsh but your husband, my husband, and any man that will leave or mistreat his pregnant wife made his own decision and therefore has to deal with the consequences. YOU are not required to do anything but the right thing. If your husband wants to see the baby fine but you are not responsible for making that happen. Don't short change your experience as a new mom for trying to accomodate your WH.
Actually for my stitch that also had something to do with the turn around. if my husband called to ask about our son i wasn't rude or nasty and was upbeat with things that he did etc...However, because I moved away to a completely different state to stay with my parents and support system my husband didn't really get to see our son while i was gone. i sent him pics but that was it and that REALLY got to my husband. He realized that this was the type of life he was choosing.
One thing for you to remember is that you CANNOT MAKE ANYONE BE A PARENT. i wasn't going to force my husband to step up a be a father. That was his lost if he chose not to see our son, etc.
Basically, don't think about your husband and dealing with him as your child's father. That is his burden to carry and his choice to make. let him deal with it and you just be the BEST mother you can be. It is hard but so worth not having that stress in your life.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Thanks 4luv, so you cannot make anyone be a parent, like you cannot make anyone be a partner/spouse?
Again though, how might the Robx speech be adapted to this sitch? Something like "I am OK with your decision to leave and actually, with you out the way, I can be the best mother possible to this child. I am looking forward to bringing her up and perhaps growing our family one day with someone special who wants to be with us. I get it now that you love OW - go off and be with her. I see now you are right for each other". Would that be it?
I mean, I actually don't think I really beleive the above...part of me thinks it's partly a crock of sh!t. Am I the one with the acceptance problem? Please send 2x4's. I am a slow learner and need help!
As for not being responsible for my WH's parenting, I have a question. WH has not asked about our baby (6 weeks old) for the past two weeks while he has been galavanting with OW o/seas and where he is looking for work to establish himself. One question I have been asking myself today is should I be updating him on a hospital check she had today (she is not seriously unwell, but has an joint issue which needs to be reviewed) or sending him photos of milestones - in this case,a photo of her fist smile?
A lot of days I lead with my heart when I know I shouldn't.
It's very hard....but, know you are not alone here
Keep posting.....there is a lot of good advice and support here.
For the record, I think your H is a jerk!! (((Piano)))
M55 H55 my D31 H D30 1st met her when she was 25 M 22yrs...2nd for me, 1st for H OW 2005 mother of H daughter, came back to introduce D 1bomb 6/05 2bomb 7/08 3bomb 2/10 moved up north
I was thinking about this topic, "Setting them free", while walking my dogs.
What sprang to mind was what kind of person you need to be to maintain a healthy relationship.
Specifically, I was thinking about the Three Cs:
Confidence: No matter what, you know you are going to be OK. Character: Being principled. Doing what is right as if God is sitting right there watching everything you do. No cheating, lying, manipulating, and so on. Control (as in Self-Control): No drunkeness, no calling somebody who doesn't respect you and want to be with you, good health routines (excercise), and so on.
Now granted, few people who come here have healthy partners, so these things may not attract their partners back to them (unless they become healthy themselves), but do you really want to be with somebody who is that unhealthy? They will drag you down into their personal Hell if you let them.
In the event that reconcilliation does not happen, wouldn't you want to be the kind of person that can be in a healthy relationship before you got into another relationship?
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/06/1001:06 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Gucci, re my previous post, any tips on how to acheive a full walk-away when there is an unborn baby OR a newborn baby in the mix.
I know that we are not supposed to see our sitchs as unique, but there are a few first time mums here on the forums with WAH's with or without an OW in the mix.
Detaching, Walking Away, Letting Go, are very tricky at the best of times, near impossible though when you have a new baby or are waiting to give birth to your WAH's child.
One can't 'hand over' a newborn baby to it's father, as you can with older children who already have an established relationshiop with both parents. New mothers have to be nearby the newborn at all times (even if it means in the next room) if she is nursing because they feed almost constantly, for one -- a rhythm to which no firm schedule can be applied. Plus you are encouraged to give as much visitation access to the father so they can bond with their baby and hopefully be involved with co-parenting - this is widely seen as the Right thing to do by the child.
We are all devastated by WAS's. But any perenatal psychologist would say a woman is experiencing extreme hormonal peeks when she is pregnant and in the weeks post birth. Every fibre in the mother's being wants to keep her family intact. It is perhaps, if we allow it, a small point of difference-physiologically the pregnant woman is a hormonal beast!
I am having trouble Letting Go when I have to see WH so he can see the baby in my presence (I now sit in another room and have a family member present instead, but I would like to be courageous enough again to facilitate the visitations myself).
Plus, and this is another put where I get stuck, is how do you give the Robx "I'm OK with this too" speech when there is nothing OK about a father walking out on a pregnant wife ? Or is that a judegemental, value-ladden falsity (ie controlling)?
Do you want to be with someone you would have to force to stay with you? Ask yourself that question. Assess your self-worth, you know you're worth more than this, if he doesn't want to be with you, let him go, it's his loss, give him the freedom that he says he wants and always view it as his loss because it is. He may not see it now or a few weeks/months from now but he will see it.
What happens if you 'set them free' but they won't go away???
My exH said again the other day when he returned the kids how "DONE" he was. OK fine.
But then he is texting me every single day. Offering me his leftover chinese food in his fridge bc he's gone on a business trip and it will go bad? Really? Telling me he has an ear infection...ummm did I ask?
I tend to ignore and then he goes mean and underhanded, hits me where it hurts. Little passive aggressive texts when he has the kids demeaning my parenting skills.
Example, "Two words. Mosquito spray."
Guess they were whining about bug bites and he couldn't handle it. (And of course I had used bug spray.)
You can SAY "done" all you want, BobbiJo. If your ACTIONS say you're still enmeshed with him, then he's not going to get the message.
The Gucci/Robx "speech" can't be faked. You have to REALLY BE letting them go. If you still respond to bullying, passive-aggressive, button-pushing TMs, then you really haven't let them go.
