Setting them free

[robx]

and WHAT is WRONG with Jersey Shore?!

;-)

[DumpedforMIL]

LOL .. omg, you watch that show!
i've never watched it but i've heard that it was really bad.

[ShellDoll]

This is an OUTSTANDING Thread!

Lots of insightful thoughts about the WAS, the LBS, and just people on general.

Couldn't letting them go completely and detaching, for those LBS of the WAS who are too proud to ever admit they are wrong, just admitting that their needs and desires are far greater than yours?

[Kimmie Lee]

Wow, Gucci! I like the fake friends bit a lot better than agreeing to be a genuine friend to a was. Allowing them to have a friendship with you is nothing more than cake-eating anyway. Why should they be allowed to f their OP, then turn to us to get some other fix through a "friendship" with the one they abandoned?

Also, I rarely go to the MLC board because I am attacked and accused of being a negative, bitter divorcee who dashes the hopes of MLC true believers just because I don't believe in "being still" while the was drains the bank account and sucks the life out of you.

Right....."be still"....make sure the house is spotless with all their favorite foods in the fridge.....just in case they stop by....

I do go to the MLC board to check on a poster whose sitch is very similar to mine, except I don't hold out hope after three years and I don't buy the fact that my ex in brainwashed, or "scared" of his new wife, etc.

I care about this poster very much and relate a lot, but I do not buy into the MLC bit. There is no empirical evidence and it is not recognized by the DSM-IV, etc.

I think that wrapping up in the MLC cloak is simply staying in denial and delaying any healing. Waiting....waiting....three years.....five years.....

Years are very precious and are better spent working on yourself instead of waiting....being still.....for someone who has shown no regard for our well-being, is capable of, and enjoys, inflicting pain on the ones who loved them.

Ah, but what does a negative, hope-dashing, bitter old divorcee know anyway?

[luvless]

I am of the philosophy that you really let go and when the "friends" thing comes up...."Oh yea, sure, we can be friends. We probably make better friends than we do lovers, and I now realize that you were right, I will always love you, but I am not IN love with you either".. and then I would in reality, be a terrible friend. One that doesn't answer all calls, one that treats him like he treats you. etc. etc.. In other words, my actions would be the exact opposite of what I had told him. I would then be out dating others and see how he handles the friendship when THAT happens.

THIS is for me!

[4luv]

i just want to respond to this thread....I WISH I WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO THIS ADVICE EARLIER. I tried the be the better option advice, don't rock the boat...NONE of which worked. I registered on this board in Oct and it wasn't until I MOVED OUT AND AWAY that my husband started to turn around. It took ONE AND A HALF MONTHS from the time I moved out until he OFFICIALLY came back 100%. not even a week after i moved out he started talking about us being together, asking me if i would move back, etc. I ignored for the most parts all those attempts until I knew for sure that the OW was out of the picture. The OW blew up after husband dumped her and called me to tell me everything and to say "he has been lying to both of us...blah, blah."

since we have been back together (still living seperately but moving in together in a few weeks...well i will be moving into our new place slowly) the one thing husband says is that he noticed my changes but he wishes that I would have left him sooner...lol.

No one DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE CRAP! Don't take it...no matter how long you have been togehter. My confidence was low so I know how that can affect your decisions so don't rely on yourself to make the best decisions...If one of my friends was going through the things I put up with then i would have told them to leave. You try but you can't let someone walk over you and cheat on you in your face...it is disresptful and if you can't respect yourself then no one else will either.

[luvless]

No one DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE CRAP! Don't take it...no matter how long you have been togehter. My confidence was low so I know how that can affect your decisions so don't rely on yourself to make the best decisions...If one of my friends was going through the things I put up with then i would have told them to leave. You try but you can't let someone walk over you and cheat on you in your face...it is disresptful and if you can't respect yourself then no one else will either.

THIS

[Dudess]

Thanks for sharing your story 4luv. Good work.

This stood out to me:

the one thing husband says is that he noticed my changes but he wishes that I would have left him sooner...lol.

and this from your thread:

Husband says he wished I wouldn't taken all of that crap from him. He says that he feels he needed help. . . . He wishes that I would not have taken crap for so long. When I said you should appreciate the fact that I took your crap in order to save our marriage, my husband replied "why should I appreciate you taking crap? No one should take crap."

It may be that the most loving thing you can do for yourself and for the crap-giver is to leave

[Kimmie Lee]

4luv, wow! A whole month and a half???

Congrats to you for being proactive instead of "still."

[gucci loafer]

i just want to respond to this thread....I WISH I WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO THIS ADVICE EARLIER. I tried the be the better option advice, don't rock the boat...NONE of which worked. I registered on this board in Oct and it wasn't until I MOVED OUT AND AWAY that my husband started to turn around. It took ONE AND A HALF MONTHS from the time I moved out until he OFFICIALLY came back 100%. not even a week after i moved out he started talking about us being together, asking me if i would move back, etc. I ignored for the most parts all those attempts until I knew for sure that the OW was out of the picture.

I hope all of you that have NOT yet let go read the above quote again and again..... THAT is how FAST it can work when you let go. NOTICE that SHE moved out. This again is another thing that is not understood on this site. When there is an affair going on it is better for ONE of you to move than for you to live together and allow them to cake eat. Either they move or you move,but do NOT allow them to continue to cake eat while living in the same house with you. That is unacceptable behavior that needs to be nipped in the bud. "You can be with or see anybody you want. However, you can't also have ME." End of story


This is yet another exampe of letting go and how it works much better and much faster. It only took a couple of weeks once she let go. She probably thought that letting go was the end of the relationship, when in fact it was the beginning of reconciliation...