People are not possessions or articles and therefore holding onto anyone who does not want to be held onto can never work. Sometimes we hold onto ideas and dreams i.e of staying married or or maintaining a family unit but we cannot hold onto the people who want to walk.
It is purely fear that inhibits the giving of the "Dobson" speech. Fear that if you say they can leave they will leave. But they have already left anyway. If not in body certainly in mind and spirit. The speech is really an outward declaration that YOU get it. A way of letting THEM know that YOU do not wish to be complicit in the current state of play. A way of retaining some measure of dignity for crying out loud.
If someone is dead and you do not say they are dead does it make them alive?
Setting them free is a fearless action. Fearlessness can be reckless in some circmstances but in others it can also be attractive. If someone thinks you will be broken at the thought of setting them free and you DO IT, doesn't that immediately change the entire dynamic even if they do not return? You immediately appear stronger and more resilient. Some power returns to you.
This is exactly it. If they are already gone, what is the point of hanging on? Thanks for the incredible insight into my sitch.
I finally "gave up"...."let go" and I actually feel better. I had an agonizing 5 mos before I did it. I too was holding on to my family for dear life but I realized I didn't want someone who didn't want me.
It still hurts but I feel better now. I don't have to look at the clock to see when he's coming home. I don't have to listen to any of his lies anymore. I don't have to watch how much alcohol he drinks.
Here I thought I was setting him free but it was ME who was set free...
Thanks, I do feel really good about the choices I've made going forward. Turns out I'm good in a crisis, didn't know that before! I certainly didn't mean to imply that he left me only because I was strong and independent, I didn't know that's what you thought I meant. He's got plenty of additional reasons. It's so nice living without someone being constantly disappointed with me.
M: 35 H: 34 S: 8 Married: 12 years Together: 16 years Bomb: 11/2/09 Sep: 1/1/10 EA confirmed: 11/2/09 PA confirmed: 3/28/10
Gucci, my stbxh told me he has uncertainty about filing for D and will alwasys have doubts that this is the right decision (he is living with OW though). I want to "set him free" and "set me free" by doing so but DAMN IT am feeling stuck since he told me that. It gives me hope and I really can't have hope if I want to detach (that is me, I think). Any advice on how I can let go knowing this?
Unstuck yourself and him. I know for myself that I don't and have never shared my lovers with another person. Game over. When we talk boundary setting THAT is the only boundary to me. You crossed the boundary. Game over. No other secondary boundaries are necessary. Let's get to the REAL boundary here you crossed. It was the boundary of I DON'T share. It isn't the boundary of I won't pay for your cell phone if you are textin him.. That only is avoiding the real boundary here. We BOTH agreed to this boundary when we decided to be exclusive. Game over now.
It frees me because of that standard and line in the sand. Nothing more to talk about or figure out on my end. Takes the pressure off of me and puts it on them. Divorce would be filed in a heartbeat. Shows confidence and self esteem. If they want someone else, then have at it.. Totally free to be with them.. HOWEVER, you can't have ME too. I WILL be perfectly fine without you. I am a big boy. There are millions of women that would love to have a man like me and treat me really really well and be a great partner with me. If I go into a restaurant and they don't have what I want to order, should I cry, whine, beg and tell them that it is my mistake? Do I say that I am not going to eat again? Do I say I am not quite ready to make another choice that IS on the menu? Do I leave without eating and make myself miserable and keep focusin on why they didn't have what I wanted and what can I do about it?
Nope.. I say to the waiter or waitress.."Ok, well I will have the (second choice) instead.. I don't whine, I don't complain and I don't hang on for hope that I couldn't have what I first wanted. Maybe my second choice will turn out to be the better choice anyway... "MMMMM, that was a great meal" I say after it is served and eaten....
Get it? I am perfectly fine with another choice. I don't get upset if what I thought I wanted isn't available. I then go on happily with my life. My tummy is full.
I let go of what I wanted and found another choice..
Quit holding onto something so tight that God has to pry it out of your hands to show you a lesson in your life. Let it go Find another choice. Life is good. One moment at a time. Be happy. Stay happy.
Even if YOU do file for divorce, we already know that if at some point he comes back that you can marry again. No biggie. It has happened before and will happen again. At least you released him. So be it.
So how do you set the WAS free? Do you tell them verbally? Do you write them an email? Do you just go completely dark? If you read mi sitch, I 've been separated now for 2 years. W filed a year ago but didn't pursue it. We are still separated but not divorced.
For the past 3 weeks, I haven't contacted W at all. I actually feel much better. Is that setting her free? I did send her a birthday gift yesterday just to acknowledge the birthday.
Any guidnace?
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Hey Puppy, I kinda like the way TimeHeals thinks. I nominate him to be a member of the secret society of DB Pinheads.
I second the motion! Dday, too! All those in favor???
I'm not sure whether to be flattered or insulted?
Anywho..........
Skimming through all that's been posted since I was last on yesterday, I did see one thing that bothers me, the request of a "hope" thread, mainly "how long it takes the WAS to "come out of the fog".
Bad idea.
Why?
Because, to me, that would intsill upon the LBS the sense that, "oh, so that's how it goes, if I just let my WAS do whatever it is they are doing, we'll clean in all up in 'X' months and then reconcille and life will be good". And in the meantime, the LBS will not do any of the neccessary work of themselves, correct their faults of bad habit they've fallen into over the course of marriage and guess what? Nothing will have changed on either side and you are destened for failure of mass proportions. To say anything of the fact that the approach would be completely ridiculing the whole DB premise and every thread might as well just be a journal of how often the LBS' picked their arse today with 'X' amount of days until the WAS is 'coming home', yippie! <sigh>
Second issue, going back to the whole MLC thing.......
I would say at one time, like the 60's and 70's, MLC would have been a valid term due to the average life expectancy. Even today, we see a lot of changes within ourselves after exiting our 20's. We find ourselves with house payments, kids, careers and all and we realize, "crap, I'm a full blown adult". However, now, versus then, we find a lot of folks in their low mid 30's 'partying' more, or making mass career changes more often than the fabled running out and buying a red Corvette and trying to bag someone 15 years our junior.
To me, "MLC" is now just another medical term as HDD. And having 2 boys, one claimed to have ADD, I certify from my own daily knowledge, there is no such thing as ADD, it's kids being kids just like when I was a kid. Plain and simply, just a marketing strategy to make the drug companies money.
Again, my whole point with "is my WAS in MLC?" thing to me is very discouraging because then the LBS is using this as their DB "tatic" of sorts and again, violates the whole point of DB'ing. The only situation that a tatic can apply is obviously infidelity, and requiring a battle plan to cope and crush the affair.
But, is it really neccessary?
I did nothing to crush the affair. It took me a long time, but I did what should be done. I worked on me, sometimes very subconsciensly, I let her go, dropped the rope and gave her what she "wanted": a life without me in it in any capacity.
And, obviously, what she "wanted", isn't what she wanted. She's back, committed and focused.
Enough said.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
