The solution journal is not something I've kept. But my first entry will be:
Describe the challenging situation: My W, in the midst of the D, wants me to pay the bills. She handed me some. (I have been the sole provider till recently.....but she is getting a business off the ground.) So, do I pay the bills to please her? Or tell her to pay them? The kids live with her, so I have to pay something....
I paid the mortgage again, as usual.
But is this enabling her? I get feedback from friends (not too familiar with DBing) to let her get a dose of reality.
2. Describe in action-oriented terms how you handled the situation:
Well, I paid the minimum on two of the credit cards. And transferred the debt on another to my account. Paid the water bill. And the mortgage. And MY rent.
3. Describe your partner's immediate reaction:
I haven't talked to her yet. She is not too keen on talking right now. Alien talk..... And I am trying to go dark. But it won't be long before she asks about the bills, as she is concerned about her credit rating.
There was one credit card where you get points for each purchase. She wanted to keep the points; I wanted to close out the account. I called and found out that the points are not transferrable. So I will wait till they hit the minimum amount to generate the coupon (Target) and then close out the account.
This financial stuff is scaring her. And she is afraid of me. So I am trying to work with her to let her feel more comfortable.
Of course, I don't know how we will make ends meet. Wish she could make ME more comfortable!
how to rebuild a friendship with my W and learn how to trust again without heading down a cheeseless tunnel.
Describe in action-oriented terms how you handled the situation:
I did ok. It's hard to db when you're attacked over and over again with your faults consistently pointed out. I try to validate. My W said that I stopped bringing her flowers and signing my cards so I surprised her and gave her some flowers and a card. I also thanked her for helping me with my project for my church to show I appreciated it.
Describe your partner's immediate reaction: confusion. I think she's wondering if my changes are real. I regress ocassionally but I try to be understanding. I'm sorting out my own pain and hurt and I informed her of that.
Describe your partner's reaction several days following the situation:
silence. sorting it out. When I dno't speak she speaks when I do speak we may/may not end up in a cheeseless tunnel.
So i'm going dark again. I'm going to focus on what I need to focus on to make it. Try to have fun and enjoy life.
describe chalenging sitch: We have been S for 6 mo. H asked to spend the night.
action oriented terms how I handled this: He'd brought clothes and set them in entry way. Prior to this when he asked it was spur of the moment and I encouraged him to go home. I agreed this time.
Partner response: He was happy and seemed pleased with the answer. Then we went on our planned date for the evening.
Partner response several days later: He is getting very possessive. So, since control is an issue, I'm gonna have to re-think. I like H around but I want this to last....
