Okay, I'm joining the ranks of those who stop coming up with new thread titles and just start adding numbers. My thread is getting ready to lock, so figured I might as well beat it to the punch.
Mandatory Overview: W left suddenly 10/22/07 after "ILYBINILWY". I started DBing my butt off in Nov and we went to C and on some dates, but she wasn't too into things. Then discovered she'd had PA previous summer that had ended but was continuing as EA. She asked for D but then agreed to C again with a new C. That shook things up and we almost reconciled 2x, but each time she said she couldn't get past feelings for OM, didn't feel attracted to me, didn't feel like I was an equal who challenged her. But she was EXTREMELY conflicted and said she needed professional help. After going to IC, she asked me to wait 6 months while she tried R with OM. I said no so she asked for D on 3/8/08. Since then, she has put up a big wall, like she's trying to make the decision stick, though we have very friendly, animated, involved conversations.
I thought D papers would be served by now, but haven't seen them yet. Her parents are buying me out of the house, so I move at end of month. Little contact for past month with W. That's about it.
Lodo, we and our spouses are very similar in age and our sitch has some similarity in that when we spend time together, it is great. Whether it is our family time or even us going together somewhere, just us two. I have tried absolutly everything from pursuing, to loving, to withdrawing, to going dark and can't seem to get anywhere with her. Everything backfires. It's like she wants the best of both worlds. Too loving, I'm smothering her. No attention, and she can't take it and I'm the bad one. I just told her that we are not going to be able to be friends if she continues the affair. I didn't get a chance to read all of your thread, but I think I read that you do not have any children. It sure makes things 100 times more difficult.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Yeah, I noticed our similarities too. Weird how you think your sitch is so unique and then you get on here and see people with so many similarities and whose spouses are saying the same exact things.
I completely understand about not knowing the approach. I've gotten to the point where I'm just not trying anymore. I love her, but if she's this determined to end our M there's nothing more I can do than not give her any energy and focus on my own happiness without her. R take two people.
No, we don't have kids. That's one of the weird things she said early in the separation - that it would be easier to work it out if we had kids. I just thought WTF?! I mean, she's having an A.
You did it Kerry! You locked my old thread - thank you.
Catfish are in the larger rivers. I guided on the San Juan River, so that's where I fished the most, but they're in the Colorado & Green as well. It was great to pull the raft up to a beach, pull out fishing gear, and catch some fresh fish for a fish taco dinner!
lodo! congratulations on your first ever locked thread! I am so very proud of you.
About hiring those movers. Seems a shame to spend that money when you have an able bodied W who wants you and your stuff out. That should be incentive for her to help! Let her feel it too. Whatchya think? maybe you'll get in big arguments and be glad to be rid of each other. Maybe you'll get in big arguments and be like in the movies and end up in each others arms and passionately ripping each others clothes off. Then when you're done you'll have to find a box of clothes to get something to put on that isn't shredded. While you're unpacking that box she will have a change of heart....
Ok, I know this isn't funny and it is very serious about what will be happening very soon in your life. Just something to chew on.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Man, I just hate this. I'm dealing okay with it, but I hate it.
W just left. She had come over to finalize property division. Both of us were pretty easy-going about things. As we discussed who gets what, she kept starting to tear up, so I'd change the conversation to something light.
Well, since we were both so easy-going, the actual division was pretty darn easy. She said she'd help me move unless I didn't want her to, but I replied that I was just hiring someone to make it easier and she agreed that was a better idea. We called and separated our cell phone and she asked about splitting the joint account, but since we haven't figured out furniture costs and how much she owes me, that would have just entailed me being taken off the joint account. That didn't seem like a good idea, so I came up with an excuse, saying I was hoping to set up a high interest account at the same time and why not just wait to do it all at once.
Anyway, she then sat around and chatted for 3 hours. Asked what I was working on, doing, etc. I responded with my new interests, involvements, etc. We had a great conversation, as usual. Towards the end she got quiet and said on the way back from her trip she felt really down and didn't feel like a good person. I wasn't sure how to take that, so just fell back on validating and said she shouldn't be down on herself and she was a good person. Not true, of course - she's abandoning her M for OM, but I couldn't bring myself to say that. There was silence so I moved the conversation away to non-R talk.
I then said I had some stuff to do. Since I'm taking the cats, she asked if I'd help her get some for herself. Then she started to leave. I said goodbye, there was probably the possibility for attempting a hug, but I think it's a huge 180 for me not to give them and for her to miss them.
So there it is. It didn't sound like she'd thought that much about D papers, much less even buying the house! Said she should call her dad, who's cosigning.
It seems like she's questioning and dragging her feet big time, but then she acts so firm about not being together. I don't know.
confused why we can't make this work but still resigned to moving on, lodo.
Towards the end she got quiet and said on the way back from her trip she felt really down and didn't feel like a good person. I wasn't sure how to take that, so just fell back on validating and said she shouldn't be down on herself and she was a good person. Not true, of course - she's abandoning her M for OM, but I couldn't bring myself to say that.
Lodo, I think you missed a great opportunity. Why do you feel the need to not only validating ("I understand you feel that way"), but outright AGREEING with her, and telling her she's a "good person"???
If you don't want to kick her when she's down, then just say "Why do you say that?" and let her talk. But if it were me, and my wife was having an affair and said "I'm not a good person," I would reply:
"Yes, you are. You just haven't been making good DECISIONS lately."
I was wondering that too, why are you supporting her 'good person' ideas of ending your M. OTOH, I know I don't think on the fly so good and H catches me off guard when we do talk.
Enjoy your warmth there, we had April snow.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Lodo, my WW has told me the same thing before. How she wasn't a good person. I basically told her the same thing you did, but I also told her that I wanted to help her find the good person inside of her. I remember that same day she told me that OM had told her that WW and I would probably someday be back together. She has also told me that I deserve better than her. I bet we have all heard that. I think I read somewhere that when someone tells you that, it's probably true. I hate when I am too slow to think of the right thing to say in a situation, then it all comes later after the fact. Damn, I shoulda said this or that. Again, your WW and mine feel the guilt and know what they should be doing, but its like they are addicted. I think I read somewhere that you are not a religious person. If I'm wrong, accept my apology. Either way, I will say a prayer for you, brother.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Man, lodo, that sounds so much like my W's last day getting her stuff out. I really feel for you and share a lot of your conflicted feelings. When my W said those things (you should hate me, I'm no good, etc) I felt so bad for her. Imagine! Feeling bad for the person that violated your deepest trust in the most hurtful way possible! She also says every now and then how mutual friends and people at work sometimes give her the cold shoulder or treat her differently because they don't understand or agree with what she is doing. She often complains "Why do they treat me like that? They act like I'm evil."
Well.... now that you mention it...
But like you, I couldn't bring myself to point out those things. She already knows all that, that's why it upsets her. But I still can't understand how she can feel that her actions and decisions are poor, but she charges full steam ahead anyway. Until she comes to grip with that and SHE makes the decision to change course, I'll focus on myself and my future without her. Of course there's a part of me that is hoping for a different outcome, but most of me has accepted the fact that it likely won't happen.
It sounds like you are handling things pretty well, on balance. So keep it up. There isn't any way that you SHOULD act. And if you think you might have handled things differently or better, make a note of it for the future -- but don't kick yourself over it. It's not like it was a missed opportunity that is lost forever.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Let her feel it too. 