Here I am back in infidelity. Was previously in Piecing.
Brief overview: W suddenly moved out in October. Went to C a few times but wasn't too into it, very distant. In December, found out she'd had an A - she said it started as PA and then they stopped and it was EA. We went to another counselor who shook things up and caused her to question things. We came very close to reconciliation in Jan, but she wouldn't take the final step.
Couple of back and forths of her asking for D and then feeling lonely. I asked for a decision whether she'd work on M or not. On 2/14 she said "no". I told her R was over, including friendship, then left for vacation. She left multiple emails/voicemails asking to reconcile.
I let her stay in house and first night she got cold feet. Next 2 weeks were fine, but a little strained - some good nights, some bad. She wouldn't talk. Then she had a really bad day, arguing with me about everything. Next day she moved the rest of her stuff in, then decided to move out. Kept packing and unpacking. Asked herself what was wrong with her, said I was a wonderful person, said she needed professional help and was going to C - could we talk after that. Also admitted she was still in EA and couldn't get past those feelings.
On 3/7 she asked if I'd wait 6 months for her to try things with OM and see if the A fizzled or not. I said I was confused and had to think. She said she cared for me deeply but couldn't get past that she had no feelings for me but did for OM. Thought she had changed and he was better for her. Said we should start separating our things. I agreed and said we could work on friendship. She said she wanted that very much. I also thanked her for her honesty and asked to continue in that vein. She agreed.
After thinking about it, I realized that my boundary had been crossed. I called her and said I realized she needed to work out feelings for OM. I thought we could work on M, but only if she allowed me to fulfill some of her needs rather than shut me out. I said I thought we could work through this. She said she didn't think so. So I said we should get D. She quickly agreed.
I'm feeling very hurt right now and don't know what to do. Obviously this is not good DBing, but I felt like I had to make a stand at some point, for my own integrity. I also found out that her and OM will be working together off and on for 4 months and intimately for 2 months in an isolated location. It was at that point I realized "what are my realistic expectations about outcompeting him?" She enjoys his emotional attachment, his companionship, and his focus. She only has an occasional dinner with me - while they're relaxed, they don't compare and I don't see how we can build anything new on them.
I don't think I made it clear enough that I was asking for D because a boundary had been crossed and I will need to be clearer in my communications in the future. Since she has so recently been so conflicted, I will still be a friend and shine a light back to our M, but otherwise I'm detaching and taking care of myself.
Don't know if I've done the right thing and feel so hurt that she's shut down completely to our M and refuses all attempts to make things better. We still talk and relate in a relaxed and friendly manner - she just shuts down regarding R.
Hi lodo, wish I had the magic wand to wave. It just blows my mind that she is so brazen to say 'wait for me'. Does she think she is going to fight for our country or something? 'oh lodo, please wait for me to return...from my affair.' It's so screwed up and it shows how really screwed up she is. Idunno, next time you see her have some lipstick on your collar, some long hairs stuck to your shirt. If she comes to your house have 2 dirty wine glasses and 2 dirty plates in the sink.
Don't put yourself in competition with the om. You don't have the expertise in his field, think about it. The close intimate conditions W and om will have together can backfire. Being that close they will learn about headaches and bad days and the affair bubble will burst. There will be disagreements about their work. They will find out about morning breath and bedhead hair. They will argue about who has to do the dishes and sweep the floor and who gets the remote for the tv!
Remember how I struggled when I felt I couldn't compete with my H's ow and her million dollar horse palace? I don't have her kind of money. I can't compete at her level, I can't buy my H back. I CAN let ow use her own shovel to keep burying herself. Let your W's om bury himself too.
(((lodo)))
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I wish I had the magic wand too. I've been going so back and forth between whether I made the right decision to stand up for myself or whether I should have just not given it any energy and not gotten involved in the conversation. In retrospect, I'd probably do the latter, but I also recognize I would have done that because I was more focused on her rather than me. I also have been accommodating every step of the way and I need to be assertive every now and then, even if that means I say "you crossed the boundaries, that is not okay and if that means we get D then so be it." I just don't know, but it's too late now.
I know I can't compete with OM - thanks for reminding me. I just wish that they were proceeding with a R in a normal manner, but since it's so closely linked with her career, I think she's going to be much more accepting of him - he represents something she can get for herself over the long-term.
But I have to let it go. It's hard, but necessary. I've been trying to decide if I should write her a letter to make sure she knew why I had decided to go along with the D - something along the lines of "I don't want this but with OM in picture, our M can't be saved and you asking me to wait crossed the boundary of what I'm willing to do. Our M is your responsibility as well as mine. I recognize the problems I've brought and want to fix those, but you brought things as well and need to be responsible as well. I love you and if you are willing to end contact with him and return to our M, I'm confident we can create a new, supportive M." But maybe I should just leave it alone. Although I didn't specifically state that she had crossed a boundary, she knows what she asked me and somewhere deep down she knows it isn't right.
Don't know if I act like a good friend or go dark for awhile. Any thoughts? She definitely wants to keep the friendship - because it fulfills something?
Sounds similar to my wife, and here's what I have done , stay positive around her, make her intiate contact and find your line in the sand and let her push you all the wat too it then you bring out the heavy artillery. Until that point we pretty much have to let them do whatever crazy thing they want to.
Reading your old threads just now, it seemed to me you were on the right track and getting some good advice from Chocolateeyes and OhioMark and some others. Somewhere along the line, it sounds like you re-engaged your wife and starting filling her emotional needs again, even though she was still with OM, and allowed her to cake-eat.
I think you did the right thing, and long overdue, too!
Thanks for stopping by. Jamison, sounds like you've got a full plate! I'll keep up on your sitch.
Puppy, I did re-engage but thought that was the right thing to do in my particular sitch at that particular time. As far as letting her move back, that was a dumb decision, but I can't change it now. Just learn from it and move forward.
So, just out of curiosity, I stumbled across a description of exit affairs - that is, an A used as an excuse to get out of a M rather than dealing with the problems. Given my W's ambivalence and her focus on OM, it seems highly likely that this is mainly what she's doing - choosing to use the A so that I end things (which I've done) rather than do it herself (which she tried but kept backpedaling on), although it is probably not 100% the case, since the whole work thing is part of the A as well.
This would fit in with her quickness to arrange for mediation, for her unwillingness to deal with problems, etc. It also sounds like there really is no reason for me to continue treating her with respect, other than upholding my own standards of conduct.
What is the best way to handle things if you suspect an exit affair? And any thoughts whether I should write my W a letter to make sure she knew why I had decided to go along with the D - i.e. boundaries, she was also responsible and we needed to work on problems together, etc.?
It just blows my mind that she is so brazen to say 'wait for me'.
Mine, too. Sounds like she's trying to keep her options open. "I wanna see if OM will have me, and if he doesn't, then I'll come back to you." Pretty messed up, IMO.
I would hold off on the letter. Pointing out that she, too, was to blame for the downfall of your M is just telling her she's wrong, and my guess is that she won't want to hear that. She has to come to this realization on her own. Write it if you want to, but then put it away.
Last edited by GoingForward; 03/11/0812:57 AM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
