PMA = Me

[lodo]

Hi everyone,

I'm brand new to piecing. Not even sure if I should be here, but thought I'd try it on for size. Previously I was posting over in infidelity.

I posted this in the "tips", but I think I should have just started my own thread.

I was in emotionally/physically distant M. W finally got sick of it and moved out - later discovered there was a PA followed by EA.

I tried various DR techniques and tried to stay upbeat. Lots of backslides while WAW was all over the place. Finally she said she wouldn't work on M, so I said the R was finally over and goodbye. Then I left for a vacation. She got really upset while I was gone and emailed and called. Said she'd been stubborn, hadn't given me a chance to change, but was willing to give it a try. One hitch - she said she couldn't see doing this if we were still living separately.

So 4 days ago, when I got back from vacation, she was still in our house. The first night, when we were supposed to discuss how we were going to work on M, she got major cold feet. I just tried to validate, holding her while she cried and asked herself what was wrong with her and why couldn't she choose. She brought up D again. I told her she shouldn't stay if she didn't want the R. She got up and started packing - I asked her not to do that - she said I told her to leave (?), so I took the bag out of her arms and hugged her. She stayed.

Since then, I've tried being upbeat and loving, but she's withdrawn. We're acting like roommates, which was the problem before, except I'm trying to give a lot more physical contact than I did before. She doesn't really respond, but has been open and acted like we have a connection - like she can trust me. Even said she was going back to her aunt's to get more clothes (but not that she was moving back in for good).

She hasn't made moves towards leaving, although she did say something about re-evaluating in a couple of days. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just keep pursuing my life and reaching out to her now and then? Am I going crazy by thinking we're piecing?

So confused. Thanks for any thoughts you have. lodo

[sgctxok]

Go for it!

[cat03]

what is her love language, is it physical contact? this will take a while and it's ok she is ambivalent for a while, it will take her some time before she feels safe.

[lodo]

Hi cat,

I'm not sure what her LL is - probably quality time followed by physical contact. She is focused solely on work right now (graduate degree) and has been unwilling to sacrifice time away from that for working on R.

Odd night last night. I had planned a dinner with friends last week, before she had moved back in. So friends came over and W asked her aunt, who she had been living with, to join us.

Dinner was great - lots of good conversation. The aunt cornered me in the kitchen at one point, though, and expressed her support. After everyone left, W asked me what aunt had said. I didn't tell her, just said aunt had asked if W was going to stay with me or not (most of W's stuff is still at aunt's). W started crying, asking herself why couldn't she choose and saying she's a fool. I just held her again. We finally went to bed.

This morning, I got up early and ran all the household errands - think W appreciated that. She said she was going in to work, but left her clothes at the house - I guess she's staying. Before she left I asked if she'd like to have dinner together and she agreed.

So odd, this dance. She's telling me where she'll be, staying at the house, we talk about everything, but she won't actually say she wants to reconcile. I'm doing great, though, and will continue treating her like a good friend while I pursue my own life.

lodo

[lodo]

Just journaling. W got home late and frustrated last night. I was fixing dinner and she got annoyed about how I'd marinated the fish. I just ignored her and focused on what I was doing. Later she complimented me. Oh these silly dances we do!

She stayed up late so I went to bed. When she finally joined me, I slid up next to her. After awhile, she moved a little closer, but nothing more.

Figured today would be the day she'd head back to her aunt's. I left for yoga class and then ran errands. Got back to discover all her stuff is still here. It's in suitcases on the floor, but she didn't take it. Guess she isn't ready to flee yet, even though things are awkward. Gee, I thought piecing would be easier. At least when we were separated I knew where we stood!

Bit of additional awkwardness when she brought up needing to send docs to OM. Last night I took a long walk and contemplated asking her to leave, that not knowing what was happening with OM was too difficult. In the end, I didn't say anything, but I don't know how to deal with that aspect - so far I've stuck it on my mental back burner.

Not much to do but continue with my own things and keep PMA! I have a roommate. Maybe one day she'll be my W again.

lodo

[sgctxok]

You seem to be doing a good job dancing in and out.

If you get really stressed....do some more yoga...reread DR, or try something different.

"Maybe one day she'll be my W again."

I think she will.

[Starshyne]

My H is currently just a roommate to me as well. He keeps talking about leaving, but doesn't seem to be going anywhere. It is difficult. I want to hug him so badly, but I don't think he wants me touching him.

It sounds like you are doing a good job with this game. I am starting to realize that it takes a lot longer than I had thought. I figured in a week I would be past the roommate phase and into friendship. However, we are roommates. The boxes of his DVDs is still on the floor in the living room not unpacked. He will dig through it and watch one and then toss it back in the box. He isn't ready to put them back on the shelf where they belong. The whole entire ordeal has been hard. Hang in there!

Sara

[lodo]

Hi Starshyne,

Nice to know I'm not alone. This is hard - I'm so unsure of what I should do.

Last night W came home earlier than I expected. She was working, so I did my own things, but went to see how it was going after awhile. She was emailing OM - didn't make a show of hiding it, but closed the window fairly soon. This morning she was withdrawn and let me hug her, but didn't hug back.

My gut tells me that her saying she can't "choose" and her periods of withdrawness have to do with her attraction to OM, even though she said it's over.

So even though she's back home and keeps making small signs that she wants to work on things, I don't know how realistic that is at the moment. Do I confront her and ask her to leave? Or do I continue being a friend and let her work things out on her own?

I guess I was more inclined to confront when we were still S, whereas now I feel like I need to show friendship and patience. I'm scared, though, that we'll just drift along like this until we really drift apart.

But, that's not PMA, so I'm going to focus on the friendship! lodo

[Starshyne]

Yeah, my H went through about 2 weeks of contacting the OW after he told her it was over and came back home to me. Then she actually told him to leave her alone and is no longer returning any of his calls. So that is where I am currently...with a roommate H that is heartbroken over the OW rejecting him, although he is the one that ended it in the first place.

But during the time when he was still calling her and text messaging her (and not really hiding it), I debated on if I should ask him to leave or not. I ended up just keeping him at home. He wasn't seeing her in person (as far as I knew) so that was my reasoning, but it was a difficult decision.

I haven't been touching my H at all. I yern to hug him or kiss him, but I have been giving him his space. I know that his LL is acts of service and I have been working my butt off trying to do things for him. I think he notices, but who knows.

Hang in there...it is difficult!

Sara

[WCW]

Ah yes, it's tough when they are in the same house. You don't get a chance to take a break from all of it and it stays in your face. Are you better with or without her there?

IMO, she is home which in her mind that means she is trying. Remember what my H said to me when I asked him if we could try? He said 'I thought that's what we've been doing' and I said 'just that fact you're here means you're trying?'

As for email with OM? unless you know what she was saying leave it go. She will have contact with him as he is the father of S. She also has the withdrawal period and depression to muddle through.

Be patient, be strong, be her best friend.