New to this!

[Rejoice]

Honestly I have considered ending things but then I look at my kids.
I look at all the wonderful things about my husband and I simply can't. For all the bad there's a mountain of good.
If there's any way at all these we can regain the love we had and be happy, I need to give it a shot. Or I'll regret it forever.

[BL42]

Rejoice,

DnJ and SteveLW gave you great advice. I'd reread their posts if I were you. I'll chime in as well...

I am 36, and he is 41.
We met at work 14 years ago, he was never previously married but had a 3-year-old and a two-year-old. I have raised these children and consider them fully mine, and I believe that for the most part they feel the same. We have one biological child, 11.
We dated and then lived together for 7 years before marriage.

Good background. You might add these relevant details (ages, length of dating/marriage, kids/stepkids ages...etc.) into your profile so people can reference easily.

His affair began about 2 months ago, it was a slow build of an intense emotional relationship. Love is being tossed around although they both deny having physical relations...I suspected something was wrong the whole time, and eventually just asked him for the truth. He admitted on his own to the emotional affair, lots of texts, several phone calls, and lots of visits to her house.

Sorry to say this, but there is a high probability they're lying about the physical relations. Most adults don't profess their love and have lots of visits at her house without getting physical.

He and I were trying to help her with an abusive ex-boyfriend, who happened to be his ex-best friend, when they apparently began to feel more for one another.

Why are they ex-best friends?

The admission in itself was somewhat of a miracle, as in the past he has denied things even when I had solid proof. Which seems to say to me, that he is feeling somewhat guilty about this.

Um...he is absolutely still lying. Most likely admitted just enough to manipulate you and avoid admitting more.

I have seen my doctor about the panic attacks and sleeplessness, and have a prescription. The drugs affect me somewhat badly, so I try to use them few and far between.

Good. Managing your health is your #1 priority.

By an overnight change I mean he went from his usual mix of tenderness and fun and crankiness, to Stone Cold within the span of a day or two from telling me the truth.

The change is (some of) the truth coming out. He can relax a little and stop pretending to be tender and caring.

Yes, my brother-in-law, my husband's brother, walked out on his wife and daughter a few months ago.

Interesting. Crazy how these things follow.

This is definitely a reflection of their upbringing, they had two cheating parents who had an incredibly traumatic divorce situation in which my MIL abandoned my husband at 8 years old to move to another state, leaving him with his alcoholic and gambling addicted father. She took with her the brother that recently walked out on his wife, and he suffered a lot of abuse from her subsequent partners. After that. It was a really bad situation. My husband was often alone, the electricity and water would get shut off due to his dad's gambling, and he would have to find meals where he could.

It is interesting to see the parallel of H and his brother. Family of origin issues usually cut deep and those wounds rip open later in life.

So often the family history is a compelling factor. H and his brother were modeled what is normal.

I looked in his truck, and found the letter.
I was snooping, and I have apologized to him for that.

I agree w/SteveLW - don't apologize for hiding evidence of cheating. He's gaslighting you, trying to turn the blame around when his actions are far worse. You were right to suspect and what you found confirmed it. You are not the bad actor here. Do not let him convince you otherwise.

I was quite concerned that since he and I are still sexually active, he may not be forthcoming about his activity with her and I may become subject to some disease.

Absolutely get tested. Again, your health is your first priority.

Yes, he's previously had an affair, over a decade ago. I was able to mostly overcome it as he was repentant and it was clear it was just a physical thing--it hurts much worse that he's emotionally involved with someone now, as weird as that is.

I don't know that it's weird. In general, men worry more about the physical whereas women worry more about the emotional. I share Steve's concerns it's a repeat situation though.

And it hurts far worse than that, that he's determined to split up our family and hurt our children over this.

That's his decision and you can't control it. As hard as it is, try to focus on what you can control...you and taking care of the kids.

I was 14 when my mother, sisters and I ran away from my abusive father. We all have good relationships now but my life was a wreck for at least a decade over it.

Have you talked to your IC about the possibility that your family dynamic and experiences as a teen running away from an abusive father potentially informed your selection of a husband?

Thank you. I need to focus on detaching, I think.

Honest question...are you able to detach from him while having sex with him 3x a day?

If there's any way at all these we can regain the love we had and be happy, I need to give it a shot. Or I'll regret it forever.

Kudos for standing for your marriage. Be true to yourself and do what's right for you and your kids and you won't regret it. But also note: it's not your decision at this point, it's his. There's no one thing you can do or say to "fix" the situation. The best approach you can take is accept and let go and focus on yourself and your children. IF he turns around, great. If not, it's nothing you can control so keep your head held up high and know you did the best you could.

[Cadet]

You know what cadet always says.

Knowledge is Power

Oh wait thats me.
Don't concern yourself with snooping your just getting that knowledge.

[Rejoice]

They are ex best friends because the guy went off his bipolar meds and attacked him.

I have briefly talked about how my history has affected me but I'm mostly focusing on rebuilding my self esteem, etc.

I'm very sure that having sex is standing in the way of detachment, lol. I have been pretty much catatonic for the past month and not thinking about much...

[Rejoice]

Thank you cadet.

The gaslighting has been difficult to deal with.

[Kind18]

I’m glad you’re already doing step 1 and getting professional help. Also, a second opinion can also be helpful.

I think step 2 should be no sex whatsoever, and comprehensive suite of STD tests. No matter how much you still love him, no-one should risk their own health.

If he has had an affair before, plus he is currently lying about this one (do you RELLY believe it isn’t physical?)… there’s probably been others too.

I can’t recommend highly enough that you stop having sex to protect your health and get tested immediately.

[Rejoice]

That's is good advice kind, thank you.

[SteveLW]

Honestly I have considered ending things but then I look at my kids.
I look at all the wonderful things about my husband and I simply can't. For all the bad there's a mountain of good.
If there's any way at all these we can regain the love we had and be happy, I need to give it a shot. Or I'll regret it forever.

Rejoice, I'm 100% for trying to save things. However, it is impossible to save things with a spouse that is in an active affair. Especially when that spouse knows without a doubt that they can come back at anytime and be taken back, no questions asked. Start moving forward with your own life and he might, just might, feel that he is really losing you. And that might trigger him questioning what he is doing.

But if he does end up coming back I hope you'll have a three strikes you're out rule. Divorce is tough on kids. But you know what's worse for them? Showing them that a spouse can treat you anyway they want with no consequences. Would you want your daughter to put up with what you are willing too? Just another thing to consider.

[Rejoice]

I have some questions for anyone willing to help me sort through my insane thoughts.

The sex for me was part of my 180. I had been so bitter with him before that I was withholding, cold, and angry pretty much all of the time. It's definitely been on my list of things that actually WORK, that plus positivity, confidence, and not bringing up anything about the R or OW.
I'm very very hesitant to stop something that seems to help us become so much closer when he was previously very cold, that seems like the opposite of the DB principles.

I have told him that I'm doing this on my terms, because I want sex, and that I'll be fine without him.

I'm incredibly torn on this topic. Please help.

[SteveLW]

If he is still sleeping with the OW then you shouldn't be sleeping with him. In any sense of that term!