Personal OLD update I canceled the paid part of my online dating subscription the other day. It had always been my intention to do that at this point, so the paid part ends at the end of next month. I'm on two sites. The paid site is definitely a higher caliber of person, imho, although I do like certain features on the other site.
Lessons learned to date from this on-going social experiment:
* Men are like buses. There's a new one every 5 minutes. I may not want to ride that bus/take that trip, but that does not negate there being more opportunities every day. Which, if you think about it, is really actually quite sad. So many lonely people looking to meet other people. Our society is pretty isolating and CV19 did nothing except make that more pronounced.
* I've found this to be a good way for me to practice getting my groove back, aka talking to men who are potential romantic interests. After 34 years of not doing that, believe me the practice is welcome, lol.
* I'm really pleased with my vetting process. My list of swipe left reasons may seem too long for some reading here but it works well for me and is true to my values and goals, short and long-term.
* I've met one person who I think is worth getting to know better. I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket at this point, so there may be more meet ups/dates in my future with others.
Overall, I think the experience has been a positive one.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Separate from the OLD issue. I'm again giving thought to an annulment. I still find myself returning from time to time to the articles I've found online outlining what qualifies as an annulment in a Catholic marriage. I believe mine qualifies for a couple of reasons I won't go into here. That knowledge doesn't make me feel that our D was inevitable, but it does give me comfort when I think about how long we lasted as a couple, and gives me a lot to think about vis a vis any future relationships. I've talked to our parish priest (a long-time family friend who had a close relationship with my parents, Mom especially). His advice stands - don't rush to an annulment unless you meet someone you want to get serious about. I haven't met anyone, but know that the option is always there if I want it, from which I derive a lot of peace.
My main focus currently is threefold: moving, renting out my house and taking the best care I can of my dog, who has had some rough times in the middle of the night lately. We're in an end of life palliative care situation here, so quality is paramount in our minds as a family as we deal with this.
I recently shredded two years' worth of documents from the period in our marriage where my exh's thyroid was first diagnosed and out of control, and we ended up in marriage counseling. It was incredibly helpful for me to read in print what the real cashflow and expenditures were. Helped a lot with my acceptance. Helped to own my side of the street and to counter the gas-lighting that followed at BD 10 years later.
Tangentially, son and I had a conversation this morning about needs vs wants and comforts vs lack. He initiated it. He brought up his father, saying that exh needs comforts and luxuries more than most people. Son thinks it's because exh had so much lack and instability growing up, and because his parents did not meet exh's needs at crucial times.
Son also said he's really grateful to have had such a different childhood, one which was stable and as he puts it, charmed, because he doesn't "need" much to be happy. The kid's 23. Where'd he get so much insight? He's a blessing for sure. What I'm most happy about is that he's not angry, judging his dad, resentful, there's nothing negative here. He's merely stating facts as he sees them, and if anything has acceptance and compassion for what his dad went through as a child which made him into the person he is today.
Son is glad he's not someone who "needs" to fill himself up with outside luxuries. That ability to see the big picture is something I've worked hard to instill. So glad it found fertile ground. Making sure his needs were met, and that he learned the difference between wants and needs really early in life was also a parenting goal of mine. Sometimes we do get a parental "progress report" when we least expect it. Really grateful today for a lot.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I'm on two sites. The paid site is definitely a higher caliber of person, imho, although I do like certain features on the other site.
Which sites? Which site did you find better, and what were the pros/cons?
Originally Posted by bttrfly
* Men are like buses. There's a new one every 5 minutes. I may not want to ride that bus/take that trip, but that does not negate there being more opportunities every day.
Not sure I like that analogy as a man lol, but glad you're finding plenty of options. All I'd say is if you do want to make a connection don't let the number of options cause you to discard the options so casually...getting caught up in the paradox of choice.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Which, if you think about it, is really actually quite sad. So many lonely people looking to meet other people. Our society is pretty isolating and CV19 did nothing except make that more pronounced.
I think it is sad. There are a lot of lonely people out there who would love to make a connection, and it seems like our society is going the wrong way there.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
* I've found this to be a good way for me to practice getting my groove back, aka talking to men who are potential romantic interests. After 34 years of not doing that, believe me the practice is welcome, lol.
My buddy tells me to open up and just go out with people and have fun and practice. Gotta knock that rust off lol
Originally Posted by bttrfly
* I'm really pleased with my vetting process. My list of swipe left reasons may seem too long for some reading here but it works well for me and is true to my values and goals, short and long-term.
They did come off as overly selective to me, but hey if you have options and it's working for you...
Originally Posted by bttrfly
* I've met one person who I think is worth getting to know better. I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket at this point, so there may be more meet ups/dates in my future with others.
Only one? Seems like going through all that there would be at least a couple you'd go out on a date with.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Overall, I think the experience has been a positive one.
Glad to hear it.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Separate from the OLD issue. I'm again giving thought to an annulment. I still find myself returning from time to time to the articles I've found online outlining what qualifies as an annulment in a Catholic marriage. I believe mine qualifies for a couple of reasons I won't go into here. That knowledge doesn't make me feel that our D was inevitable, but it does give me comfort when I think about how long we lasted as a couple, and gives me a lot to think about vis a vis any future relationships. I've talked to our parish priest (a long-time family friend who had a close relationship with my parents, Mom especially). His advice stands - don't rush to an annulment unless you meet someone you want to get serious about. I haven't met anyone, but know that the option is always there if I want it, from which I derive a lot of peace.
I'm surprised to hear that. Weren't you on a another poster's thread awhile back (maybe Drh2001 or ScottBs?), talking about how difficult the annulment process is and not to pursue it? Or perhaps I'm thinking of someone else. Anyway...good for you. Hope it brings you more closure/peace if you decide to pursue it futher.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I'm on two sites. The paid site is definitely a higher caliber of person, imho, although I do like certain features on the other site.
Which sites? Which site did you find better, and what were the pros/cons?
Match and Hinge. Match the profiles are more detailed so you get a better feel for commonalities. Hinge allows users to record answers to questions or post video answers.
hard to choose but I think I prefer the people on Match.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by bttrfly
* Men are like buses. There's a new one every 5 minutes. I may not want to ride that bus/take that trip, but that does not negate there being more opportunities every day.
Not sure I like that analogy as a man lol, but glad you're finding plenty of options. All I'd say is if you do want to make a connection don't let the number of options cause you to discard the options so casually...getting caught up in the paradox of choice.
I could say the same about women, another comes along every 5 minutes. It's not a saying I made up, btw, it's an old saw.
I think it is rude to ever discard anyone casually. I read every profile and every message before deciding whether or not to go forward. I treat the people who reach out to me the way I want to be treated myself. After a month and a half of being polite and responding to everyone, a wise person we both know told me to knock that off and just swipe left, as apparently some guys think that if you politely say no it's an opportunity to engage further.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by bttrfly
* I'm really pleased with my vetting process. My list of swipe left reasons may seem too long for some reading here but it works well for me and is true to my values and goals, short and long-term.
They did come off as overly selective to me, but hey if you have options and it's working for you...
plenty of options and it's working really well, actually.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by bttrfly
* I've met one person who I think is worth getting to know better. I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket at this point, so there may be more meet ups/dates in my future with others.
Only one? Seems like going through all that there would be at least a couple you'd go out on a date with.
you only need one, BL.
There are other guys I've chatted with but I'm really not interested in moving forward with most of them.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Separate from the OLD issue. I'm again giving thought to an annulment. I still find myself returning from time to time to the articles I've found online outlining what qualifies as an annulment in a Catholic marriage. I believe mine qualifies for a couple of reasons I won't go into here. That knowledge doesn't make me feel that our D was inevitable, but it does give me comfort when I think about how long we lasted as a couple, and gives me a lot to think about vis a vis any future relationships. I've talked to our parish priest (a long-time family friend who had a close relationship with my parents, Mom especially). His advice stands - don't rush to an annulment unless you meet someone you want to get serious about. I haven't met anyone, but know that the option is always there if I want it, from which I derive a lot of peace.
I'm surprised to hear that. Weren't you on a another poster's thread awhile back (maybe Drh2001 or ScottBs?), talking about how difficult the annulment process is and not to pursue it? Or perhaps I'm thinking of someone else. Anyway...good for you. Hope it brings you more closure/peace if you decide to pursue it futher.
I do not recognize either of those posters. I do recall talking about annulment, the difficulty and expense of the process and being asked for and sending people to the articles which I found helpful. Yes, the annulment process is difficult. My cousin went through it with her very brief first marriage. She gave me the full de-brief of her experience. It does not sound easy or particularly pleasant. I would still consider it if the incentive was there, but honestly - I don't envision ever marrying again.
The most import thing for me was reading about the process and what qualifies and what doesn't. It really helped me to put my situation into a theological context, which is often overlooked as people struggle with every other aspect of divorce. Having done so several years post D, I was able to probably be a bit more objective in looking at the marriage from the perspective of the Catholic Church than I would have been even two or three years post BD.
Divorce is layered, for me anyway, in terms of loss. There was the obvious loss of marriage, partnership, and of course trust replaced by betrayal, and all the other adorable emotions we experience post-BD.
Then there's the unexpected losses which for me took a while to uncover, and by a while I mean years. One was concern about my religion, something I took for granted before finding myself in this situation. I'm in a good place with all of it now.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
There are other guys I've chatted with but I'm really not interested in moving forward with most of them.
Very true, but might you miss a good one who might actually present better in person than OLD messaging? After you initially filter of course. Just a thought.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I'm again giving thought to an annulment.
I'm surprised to hear that. Weren't you on a another poster's thread awhile back (maybe Drh2001 or ScottBs?), talking about how difficult the annulment process is and not to pursue it? Or perhaps I'm thinking of someone else. Anyway...good for you. Hope it brings you more closure/peace if you decide to pursue it further.
I do not recognize either of those posters. I do recall talking about annulment, the difficulty and expense of the process and being asked for and sending people to the articles which I found helpful.
