WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (5)

[BL42]

Previous Threads:
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (1)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (2)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (3)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (4)

Summary:
ExW & I (late 30s) were together 9 years, married 7, with two young children (then S4/D1, now S6/D3). Less than 2 years ago we were vacationing as a family in Disney; two weeks later BD & discover her affair w/married co-worker. For months I pursued, chased, begged, snooped...etc. I was home putting the kids to bed and getting them ready in the morning while she's out running around on me. Affair w/OM1 blows up when work & OM1's wife find out, but instead of working on the marriage she starts up w/OM2, moves out, files for divorce, moves OM2 right in (including with my kids). We separated 14 months ago and the divorce legally finalized 4 months ago. She's been living with OM2 for over a year now, and is about to move across the street from his sister.

I'm doing much better than a year ago. I have a fantastic family support system and good friends. I was always a great dad but have dedicated myself to being their rock, back on track at work, coaching S6's sports teams, playing sports myself, started grad school classes, projects around the house...etc. Made it a point not to date until after D was official - moral thing for me and my kids - but really haven't done much there since the D either. Still have points of anger I'm dealing with. I'm having a tough time swallowing the pill of OM2 living with and influencing my kids.

Starting my latest thread here in "Surviving the Big D", jumping over from "Newcomers" as was suggested in my last thread, now that the D is official and I'm dealing with post-D parenting issues and anger issues w/ExW and OM2 living with my kids.

Would appreciate any and all feedback folks are willing to give!

[Maika]

welcome to this side of the board!!

it's pretty nice hanging around here; much different vibe than newcomers as I am sure you've noticed. I'm sure emotions will come up as you navigate the schedule change with the kids. As you know, this is a good place to come and just vent.

[kml]

Good job focusing on your kids.

As far as OM2 - the blame is on your ex much more than him. He didn’t break up your marriage. He’s just a dumb guy who is with a cheater and believed the story she fed him.

You’ve got a lot going on for you - attentive dad, pursuing grad school, etc etc. When the time comes, the right woman will consider you a catch. The challenge for you will be to figure out what red flags you missed with your wife, so that you don’t pick the same kind of person again.

[bttrfly]

welcome to this side of the board. echoing Kml awesome job putting the kids as priority. The rest, so they say will come in time. You do you and great things will happen. xo

[Dawn70]

Welcome to the light side! Following what those before me have said, great job putting kids first...as it should be. As you continue to process, heal, move forward, things WILL get easier. Time, as they say, heals all wounds.

[BL42]

Maika/kml/bttrfly/Dawn70,

Thanks for the welcome and words of encouragement.

Following up from the end of my last thread...

Believe it or not, there comes a point where you hope your ex and her OM do not implode...It takes years and a lot of painful emotional work to get where I am. Not everyone does. Everyone doesn’t even have to. I still have triggers, they are just managed well.

Yes, I agree with Ginger that you want that outcome eventually for the well being of the kids. But it takes a lot of work and time, and there are still triggers that need to be managed. The reason I wished that exW's R with lilmanboy would implode is because she rushed into everything and wanted to create some fantasy blended family and I didn't think it was going to be a good thing for the kids. And then it did implode because lilmanboy is an a$$hole.

I can believe it. I recognize that over time my anger and triggers will likely diminish and my perspective on Ex & OM2 imploding will likely evolve over time, I'm just not there yet. It's still raw. My exW certainly rushed in to create a fantasy new family with OM2 & the kids as well. Definitely question OM2's morals sleeping with a married woman and living with her kids, plus some social media posts I saw, but not clear he's an a$$hole like lilmanboy. I do want more stability for the kids at some point and could see myself getting along with a new man in their lives in the future, but greatly prefer someone who did not sleep with my wife and move in with my kids right off the bat. I guess time will tell.

By the way, my biggest hurt and pain came from the thought of another woman raising my child. Her thinking as her as her mother. And guess what. My daughter knows exactly who her mother is and parents are and what roles everyone has. Your kids know you are dad and always will. No if’s ands or buts about that

There is no OM or OW that can replace you as the primary parent, so I have no concerns about feeling less than. My relationship with my kids is rock solid and there is no other man that can usurp that.

Yes, my biggest hurt and pain at this point is the thought of OM2 raising my child as well. I'm doing everything I can to be their rock. Your comments on the kids knowing who their actual parent is are encouraging. Thanks for that.

Something about the ExW needing to start on a level playing field seems like justice.

I feel you on that. exW's R imploding was good justice in my eyes. Whatever fantasy land and fog that she was in was ripped apart in a matter of days. maybe now she can look back at our marriage and BD and see her part in the mess she made.

Indeed.

[BL42]

An example of a trigger is last night ExW wanted to video chat with the kids. We've both been good in that respect and always facilitate the call with the kids when request. I try to stay away and do my thing around the house so I'm not listening in or interfering, but it's hard with such young kids. D3 climbs off the bed and runs to me and pulls my hand to try to get me to join the call so she can show off her new pet. I'm not sure how to deal with that situation, as she's excited and wants me to join in her happiness, but I don't want to be part of a video call with ExW. Anyway, I overheard ExW all happy and cheery asking S6 "Do you want to say hi to OM2?!?"...that hurts.

[DnJ]

Hello BL

Yes, it hurts.

D3 climbs off the bed and runs to me and pulls my hand to try to get me to join the call so she can show off her new pet. I'm not sure how to deal with that situation, as she's excited and wants me to join in her happiness, but I don't want to be part of a video call with ExW.

How to deal?

You excitedly join your daughter and be part of her life!

You are her Dad! There is nothing you cannot do! In her eyes you are almost equal to God. Never let her down.

Afterwards you can vent, cry, get angry, whatever. Yet in the moment, see the blessing that is right in front of you. You do that and it will become that. Actually, you will become; and then influence the situation.

Modified for next time:

D3 climbs off the bed and runs to me and pulls my hand to join the call so she can show off her new pet. She's excited and wants me to join in her happiness. I’m so lucky she wants me to be part of a video call with her Mom.

You can uncouple the triggers associated with such blessed joyful daughter time. It’s within your control and influence.

D

[Maika]

I have nothing more to add to what DnJ said. I co-sign 100%.

I want you to know that I feel your pain because I've also gone through it. I didn't show any of my true emotions to the kids and just took time when I could to let it out in private.

You gotta just get into 'Dad' mode and not 'You' mode. The You will have time to process and recuperate. I know it sounds easy to say but I know it's not easy to execute - it $uck$ big effin' time, but you do it because you're the Dad. It's part of our job description.

One of the things that I keep in mind with my kids is that whenever they want to do something with me or show me or whatever it is that they want my attention, it is a 'bid for connection'. Esther Perel talks about it. And so, I just remind myself that my kids are just trying to connect with me and be closer to me to show me whatever it is they're super into right now. And I get super into it for them, even if it hurts in the moment.

[BL42]

DnJ,

How to deal? You excitedly join your daughter and be part of her life!

You're right. Guess I got caught up in the awkward moment instead of caught up in sharing D3's happiness. I won't let that happen next time.

You are her Dad! There is nothing you cannot do! In her eyes you are almost equal to God. Never let her down.

Thanks. Appreciate that sentiment. I won't.

Afterwards you can vent, cry, get angry, whatever. Yet in the moment, see the blessing that is right in front of you. You do that and it will become that. Actually, you will become; and then influence the situation.

Didn't need to get angry or cry. Maybe just vent here lol. D3 reaching out didn't hurt so much - just unsure of whether to join in - the part that hurt was hearing ExW ask S6 so happily if he wanted to say hi to OM2. But I kept it to myself and didn't show the hurt.

Maika,

I want you to know that I feel your pain because I've also gone through it.

Thanks, it [censored].

You gotta just get into 'Dad' mode and not 'You' mode. The You will have time to process and recuperate. I know it sounds easy to say but I know it's not easy to execute - it $uck$ big effin' time, but you do it because you're the Dad. It's part of our job description.

I like the "Dad mode" mindset. That's a great way to frame it. It's part of our job description.

One of the things that I keep in mind with my kids is that whenever they want to do something with me or show me or whatever it is that they want my attention, it is a 'bid for connection'. Esther Perel talks about it. And so, I just remind myself that my kids are just trying to connect with me and be closer to me to show me whatever it is they're super into right now. And I get super into it for them, even if it hurts in the moment.

There's a great quote I can't find at the moment, but it goes something like: "You can choose to be interested in your kid's life, but you can't choose what they're interested in." Wish I had the exact words, but that always stuck out with me. For example, I've never been into fishing but S6 tried it at a friend's lake house during the Summer of separation and really liked it and said he wanted to do it again, so I bought him a real rod and reel for his birthday and we went out several times this Summer and he's caught a few fish he's so excited about, so it became a cool bonding activity.