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Another year in life of….. as evidenced by opening up a new thread and talking about dating.
Glutton, I tell you.
Success: everyone has a different definition of success. Marriage isn’t it for me. Success is not having to continue doing it because I’m dating a lovely person. Does success only come to those who enjoy it? Again, you have to define what success is.
Looks playing a factor: I am not classically beautiful. I do not have a classic basic beauty where everyone says “wow, she’s beautiful . I think I realize that within a certain subset of tastes, men are very attracted to me. I have a unique look and you either don’t like it or you love it. And sometimes it gets creepy. And I think the types I attract, I am generally not attracted to. Makes things weird.
Which brings me to the fact I haven’t been physically attracted to anyone in a while. Just so/so. Maybe 2 guys that I dated this year. Others weren’t so unattractive……. But only one or 2 made me like “dayyyuuummm” I was hoping the connection would make them more attractive to me, but the connection never came. But one of them was cute, not classify sexy, but we had a fire chemistry . He’s the one I wish could have worked .
i have the same sentiment as bttfly. All these creepy people . It’s not a matter of having a positive attitude or “nexting” them. It’s just becomes so cringe worthy after a while. I wouldn’t want to be groped or lewdly talked to by 99 men but 1 treats me like a lady.
Hiking guy is Another example. He’s been very forward about his interest in dating me and his attraction to me which he gathered from a little FB profile picture. It’s making me un easy as well. So maybe it’s not OLD. Just men in my age range trying to date? He appears to be in his 50’s. He’s not inappropriate , just very forward.
I am not in a place to feel comfortable around men with romantic interest. Honestly, this has never happened to me and I’m sad it has come here. I’m 41 and should not have to feel I have horny teenage boys after me .
I’m other news. I’m so busy with work, it’s not even funny. Healthcare is collapsing people. We are stretched to the max. I told my boss I was leaving a mere half hour early Wednesday for my 6 week post appointment and after putting in hours above and beyond she asks me “will you be available after if work needs to be done” WTF?!? I eat through my lunch and work late , yet I now a half hour? Blow me. Our case manager manager is out sick again for a while. I am everyone’s point person. If anyone has a question they ask me, and I’m happy to help. Someone needs to vent? They ask me and I listen. I go above and beyond. Even today, I took care of a very hard case that was getting discharged on the weekend. Took care of everything so it goes smoothly. The weekend covering case manager doesn’t know her stuff and she screws it all up trying to blame it on me. The doctor who’s patient it was came to me today and said it was ridiculous and he knew I took care of it and made sure that case manager didn’t bring it to the higher ups because he knew I did everything right. I’m tired. I also volunteered to work Saturday at my other job because I’m so hard up for cash. I have D but she’s ok with me working. I offered to take her to our favorite restaurant afterward ( and it’s cheap so I’m lucky) and she was happy.
Her friends mom took D and her friend for snowboarding lessons this weekend. So out of my child’s comfort zone. But she didn’t hate it! And it was $180 and the mom wouldn’t let me pay her…… she thanked me for all I do for her daughter . It’s too much really. So I’m just going to take them to a water park on Presidents’ Day to pay them back.
And what makes me happy these days. D has a C in biology and is not a C student. I told her this time I am studying with her ( she wouldn’t let me last time and that resulted in a D on her test) science is my jam. So we went to the gym together and after dinner we started studying for Thursday’s test. We had fun doing it and she actually said “wow, mom, that really helped, thank you” we will study tomorrow and she goes to her dads the night before her test and I told her to study with her dad. She said “ I don’t have to, I’ll study alone” I said “you want to study on together in FaceTime? ( just me and her, not her dad ) and she actually said yes! First she not for too long because I barely see my dad. I said we can study before he gets home from work. I have a feeling she’s going to ace this test.
I do believe I’m a catch. I don’t know what’s going wrong. But I don’t think it is on my end. I just attract creeps. I don’t know why being single and raising a child on my own was in the cards for me, but it was. And honestly, the only real pain I feel from all of this is the financial implications. Living in my state. Being Forced out on my own at 18 with nothing, I’ve never been in a good financial position. Even when I did all the right things. I’m just praying it improves when I sell my house and move in a. Few years. It will not be due to combined finances because I’m not living with anyone until my daughter is out of my house. The only person who can make this happen is me. And I’m hoping by 50 I am debt free and financially comfortable with the ability to travel. That’s my true goal
Also, I think I cannot get covid. My coworker got it that I share a tiny office with and we sit mask free. We share food. She was coughing ALOT on Friday . 8 hours a day with her in the same small lory ventalated room, and nothing. I’m almost curious as to what would happen if I went into a covid room maskless and licked the patient. I still think I wouldn’t get it. This is why I am donating my body to science when I die.
And yes, as to the question of success - I consider myself a successful online dater even though I haven't remarried (and don't really want to).
I’d totally agree by most common definitions of success you are one of those who have been successful OLD.
I dunno - if you went to a crowded nightclub with 100 women in it and you came out with a date, wouldn't you consider that a success?
Oh heck no. If I had to approach 100 women or did approach 100 and got reject by 99, I’m not sure getting a date from #100 would make up for it. To begin with I’d likeky only be attracted or interested in 5 to 10 unless somehow the place was magically filled with the types that interest me. But striking out 99 out of 100 times can’t be he definition of success - not my definition anyhow. And that’s what some stats say about OLD at least for guys. They need to reach out to (approach IRL) 100 woman to get a response - not a date but a response. I e see. Other reports that claim like a third of guys never get a single date and others go in like two or three dates in 90 days.
Healthcare is collapsing people
Did I already say this here? Can’t remember because I’ve repeated it a lot since I heard it. But I did an interview last week for one of my clients with a rep of one of the largest hospital systems in the state who said we are moving towards a healthcare implosion - his exact words. And while some may try to blame this too on Covid (everything used to be blamed on Trump, now it’s blamed on Covid) there are multiple reasons including exactly what Ginger described. They have lost so many staff members due to again multiple reasons including mandates, that the remaining staff are being ran into the ground. I know I commented on the crazy pay being offered to try to bandaid the problem for another day. I find this extremely hard to believe but he commented in this 600 bed facility one day last week there were only 2 respiratory therapists on one shift. For me this all comes down largely to mismanagement at many levels. Not to mention all of the unintended consequences and fallout for the over the top reaction to a virus we’ve been on for nearly two flipping years now. TWO YEARS. Two weeks to flatten the curve somehow turned into two years.
Which brings me to the fact I haven’t been physically attracted to anyone in a while.
I very much relate. I’ve always been picky but it’s even more as I’ve gotten older. I am pretty good about giving someone a chance but more often than not, something prevents a solid connection. For me it’s not always physical though, it’s often personality driven. That’s why I really try to act when I do feel it. But even then it often fades for me rather quickly. I just say this to let you know that you’re not alone.
As to a guy being interested being a turn off, what’s that about? Do you think he’s making it up or faking it? I sometimes wonder… I’m thinking showing my interest and enthusiasm would be a positive but I also could see why she’d think, he really doesn’t know anything about me, why would he want to date me? Is that what you’re thinking? Because I’ve heard you say you want a guy who puts in the effort and wants to make time for you. So this guy is but you are getting creeped out. Other guys have as well but you don’t feel the attraction, which I do get but I also know that for some reason when the guy shows attraction and interest the girl is turned off.
Again I can only really speak for me self but clearly I’ve been single for much of the last 15 years for a reason. If I really wanted to change that I likely would or could. I have to wonder if there is something keeping you from feeling attraction for the guys who say they really like you and want to date you?
….. as evidenced by opening up a new thread and talking about dating. Glutton, I tell you.
And I messaged and begged You to start a new one so I could respond to the 100 women walk into a bar comment. So THANK YOU. But you also have guts and want to do better so you’re doing what it takes including opening yourself up to criticism. That may be glutton but also takes guts.
Ginger1,
Glutton for punishment….. as evidenced by opening up a new thread and talking about dating.
Glutton, I tell you.
I'm personally glad you're a glutton because it's interesting insight into the female perspective on dating. I haven't gotten much chance to weigh in to individual comments but here are some general take aways...
First, I'm shocked at how many guys you and other women on here say are creepy. Not that I don't believe you, it's just hard to wrap my head around. I know really good guys who are looking to meet woman and my perception is it's tough but that the scene is more them than the creeps, but maybe I'm just naive.
Second, I don't know why you haven't found a long term partner but it sounds like you're a wonderful mother who is making sure her daughter is cared for as a priority and that's a good thing.
Third, it seems like you do have a number of men interested (not just creeps) but for whatever reason you don't seem to be attracted to them or give them a chance.
Looks playing a factor: I am not classically beautiful. I do not have a classic basic beauty where everyone says “wow, she’s beautiful . I think I realize that within a certain subset of tastes, men are very attracted to me. I have a unique look and you either don’t like it or you love it. And sometimes it gets creepy.
Trying to figure out what you mean here. Also, can you be more specific about "creepy"? Like is it just guys who are overly interested and that turns you off, or is it really lewd and offensive behavior that is extremely inappropriate?
And I think the types I attract, I am generally not attracted to. Makes things weird.
I could see how this would be challenging.
[quote=Ginger1]Others weren’t so unattractive……. But only one or 2 made me like “dayyyuuummm” I was hoping the connection would make them more attractive to me, but the connection never came.
Does it have to be “dayyyuuummm”? Or is semi-attractive with a connection developing over time OK? If no connection develops, that's one thing...but is that based on the initial looks/vibe or deeper getting to know them?
Hiking guy is Another example. He’s been very forward about his interest in dating me and his attraction to me which he gathered from a little FB profile picture. It’s making me un easy as well. So maybe it’s not OLD. Just men in my age range trying to date? He appears to be in his 50’s. He’s not inappropriate , just very forward.
I don't know...if he's very interested in dating you is that such a bad thing? Seems like you should give it a chance. Unless you're just not into him. Perhaps if he was a “dayyyuuummm” his showing interest wouldn't be a turn off?
I’m thinking showing my interest and enthusiasm would be a positive but I also could see why she’d think, he really doesn’t know anything about me, why would he want to date me? Is that what you’re thinking?
I've seen that referenced in many online resources now too. It seems women question it when a guy seems too interested too soon because it doesn't make sense to them why he's so interested without knowing them well. But I also think sometimes those could be actual good guys who are attracted to the woman and genuinely want to make a connection and then just never get the chance because of the dynamic.
Because I’ve heard you say you want a guy who puts in the effort and wants to make time for you. So this guy is but you are getting creeped out.
Right, is he actually doing creepy & inappropriate things or are you creeped out because it seems his interest level is too high?
I also know that for some reason when the guy shows attraction and interest the girl is turned off
This is some weird counter-intuitive paradox of dating, but there also seems to be truth in it. The man showing interest turns off the woman for some reason...bizarre.
Haha, love that. So great you're helping your daughter with her studies...and that she's appreciating your efforts.
And I’m hoping by 50 I am debt free and financially comfortable with the ability to travel. That’s my true goal
Great goal! Make it happen!
Hey BL, I’m on my phone so i can’t quite right, but let’s what I can do.
What gets creepy about the men who are physically attracted to me is that they don’t stop mentioning it. I get men are visual creatures. But when we barely have connected on other level and you keep mentioning how attractive I am I just think “I know where this is going !” It gets uncomfortable. Part of it may be my defenses are up from the gross men. Part of it may be that I was not attractive until maybe 17/18. I always relied on my personality which I think is my best feature! Also, when my ex was telling me he was leaving me , I was 6 months post partum not feeling my most beautiful . He wouldn’t tell me why he was leaving and k had to keep guessing. I said “is it the pregnancy weight?!?” And his response was “no, I still think you are hot” and that Made me feel like he hated who I was as a person.
As far as interest in me. I like it. It doesn’t turn me off. When it just so forward with the constant physical comments like I said, I do get uncomfortable. I get scared to meet the person. And yes! Don, that is what I’m thinking. “He doesn’t even know me, how can he be so into me?!!” Maybe if we had a chance to connect and really talk and get to know eachother I would understand why he would be excited to meet me. I would be excited too! But someone is overly excited without knowing jackshit about me, that makes my hair stand up
As far as me being physically attracted. I don’t have a type . I dated a lot of guys who weren’t a hard no one the physical side, but definitely not a hell yeah. I figured connection could develop. But when the connection didn’t I couldn’t find them attractive. And chemistry wise, I know fireworks aren’t important. Or a thing really. But chemistry would be nice. Only one guy fit that bill. The chemistry was there. He was short with a dad bod. I do like dad bods. They say “I work out but I can still enjoy beer and wings. Just like me, my body says
“I work out, but I still enjoy beer French fries and ice cream” I totally like a guy who isn’t obsessed with his body, but takes care of it and still enjoys some of the good things in life in moderation.
I hope that my point of view helps men date. I may be a little extra jaded. My geographical location doesn’t help. It’s a very populated one, but when the pool is very big, that doesn’t always help. My age range is a bunch of newly divorced men who are free from one partner they had for the last 15-20 years. They see themselves as being broken out of prison, ready for multiple partners and not to have to commit to any women and just do what they want when they want. It’s been hard for me to be a 28 year old divorcee with a kid. I’ve always been I’m a very different place than people in my age range to date. I actually thought it would be easier, but I’m facing the same challenges!
I think 45 is going to be a game changer for me. Most people don’t want to age, but I can’t wait. It’s going to be the start of something new for me. I already begged my daughter if I can move into her dorm, she said no. ( I don’t get it) so I’ll be starting a whole new phase in my life
I have a unique look and you either don’t like it or you love it. And sometimes it gets creepy.
I don't think your look is unique other then you have amazing eyes.
And I think the types I attract, I am generally not attracted to. Makes things weird.
This is interesting because I truly believe like attracts like.
But one of them was cute, not classify sexy, but we had a fire chemistry . He’s the one I wish could have worked .
Why didn't it work?
I have the same sentiment as bttfly. All these creepy people . It’s not a matter of having a positive attitude or “nexting” them. It’s just becomes so cringe worthy after a while. I wouldn’t want to be groped or lewdly talked to by 99 men but 1 treats me like a lady.
I still think Bumble eliminates 90% of the creeps but maybe I am wrong.
Hiking guy is Another example. He’s been very forward about his interest in dating me and his attraction to me which he gathered from a little FB profile picture. It’s making me un easy as well. So maybe it’s not OLD. Just men in my age range trying to date? He appears to be in his 50’s. He’s not inappropriate , just very forward.
It's not online dating it's men just don't generally know how to act. They were in loveless, sexless relationships for years. They will hear reasons for D from their Ws were "you never told me I was beautiful". This sticks in their mind so they use it when trying to date a woman. Honestly I think half the guys you ladies classify as creepy just have no game. My BF hasn't dated in 15 years and I watched him try to pick up a girl this summer and it made me cringe. Not a creep just no game. You hate the coach but he teaches until it becomes natural you should only comment on a girls dress, eyes, etc.
I am not in a place to feel comfortable around men with romantic interest. Honestly, this has never happened to me and I’m sad it has come here. I’m 41 and should not have to feel I have horny teenage boys after me .
So yes coming out of long term marriages as Wayfarer says for both men and women you need to go through a ho phase. Stick to your guns NO MEN NOT DIVORCED AT LEAST TWO YEARS.
Her friends mom took D and her friend for snowboarding lessons this weekend. So out of my child’s comfort zone. But she didn’t hate it! And it was $180 and the mom wouldn’t let me pay her…… she thanked me for all I do for her daughter . It’s too much really. So I’m just going to take them to a water park on Presidents’ Day to pay them back.
That's a great way to reciprocate.
And what makes me happy these days. D has a C in biology and is not a C student. I told her this time I am studying with her ( she wouldn’t let me last time and that resulted in a D on her test) science is my jam. So we went to the gym together and after dinner we started studying for Thursday’s test. We had fun doing it and she actually said “wow, mom, that really helped, thank you” we will study tomorrow and she goes to her dads the night before her test and I told her to study with her dad. She said “ I don’t have to, I’ll study alone” I said “you want to study on together in FaceTime? ( just me and her, not her dad ) and she actually said yes! First she not for too long because I barely see my dad. I said we can study before he gets home from work. I have a feeling she’s going to ace this test.
Good stuff!
I do believe I’m a catch. I don’t know what’s going wrong. But I don’t think it is on my end. I just attract creeps.
That certainly is an easy way out. Like Don with OLDing. It's not me it's platform.
And honestly, the only real pain I feel from all of this is the financial implications.
Hmmmm. I wonder if you are being honest?
What gets creepy about the men who are physically attracted to me is that they don’t stop mentioning it.
Again he thinks it's what you want to hear.
I get men are visual creatures. But when we barely have connected on other level and you keep mentioning how attractive I am I just think “I know where this is going !” It gets uncomfortable.
Where is it going?
Part of it may be my defenses are up from the gross men.
Yes!
Part of it may be that I was not attractive until maybe 17/18. I always relied on my personality which I think is my best feature! Also, when my ex was telling me he was leaving me , I was 6 months post partum not feeling my most beautiful . He wouldn’t tell me why he was leaving and k had to keep guessing. I said “is it the pregnancy weight?!?” And his response was “no, I still think you are hot” and that Made me feel like he hated who I was as a person.
Or he's just a dumbass narcistic fuch
As far as interest in me. I like it. It doesn’t turn me off. When it just so forward with the constant physical comments like I said, I do get uncomfortable.
Do you tell them it makes you uncomfortable?
I get scared to meet the person. And yes! Don, that is what I’m thinking. “He doesn’t even know me, how can he be so into me?!!”
He's not he is saying what he thinks you want to hear.
Maybe if we had a chance to connect and really talk and get to know each other I would understand why he would be excited to meet me. I would be excited too!
Ask him.
But someone is overly excited without knowing jack [censored] about me, that makes my hair stand up
And it's a scientific fact women are more attracted to a man who's feelings are unclear.
I do like dad bods. They say “I work out but I can still enjoy beer and wings. Just like me, my body says “I work out, but I still enjoy beer French fries and ice cream” I totally like a guy who isn’t obsessed with his body, but takes care of it and still enjoys some of the good things in life in moderation.
I thought a dad bod was pear shaped with man boobs? That's attractive?
I hope that my point of view helps men date.
It does. So does reading 3% man.
I may be a little extra jaded.
Most def!
My geographical location doesn’t help. It’s a very populated one, but when the pool is very big, that doesn’t always help.
Studies show that when there are too many choices it's hard for people to decide.
My age range is a bunch of newly divorced men who are free from one partner they had for the last 15-20 years.
So weed them out. First question. How long have you been divorced. 1 year. Thank you for your interest but I don't date newly divorced men.
They see themselves as being broken out of prison, ready for multiple partners and not to have to commit to any women and just do what they want when they want.
Yep. It's only temporary. Remember that it's a journey for everyone.
I think 45 is going to be a game changer for me. Most people don’t want to age, but I can’t wait.
Studies show that people are most unhappy between 40-53 so you have a while to go.
It’s going to be the start of something new for me. I already begged my daughter if I can move into her dorm, she said no. ( I don’t get it) so I’ll be starting a whole new phase in my life
So you have some time to think about what kind of person you want to attract into your life.
(((G))) Girl, you ARE beautiful! Stop putting yourself down. If you had a friend who looked just like you, you would rave about her gorgeous curly hair or her beautiful eyes, so take a good long look in the mirror, sister. People who don't think you are attractive clearly aren't seeing very well.
As far as LH's last comment that studies show people are most unhappy between 40 and 53, well, I just have to hang on 1 more year then I'll be out of that slump. I'll be 52 in a few weeks so it is all downhill right? LOL To your point about 45, G, 45 was a great year for me. It is what I call my "record year" (it is a song by Eric Church....google it!). I got divorced in December of 2014 which was the last month of age 44 for me, so I turned 45 in January and life changed a lot for me in 2015. I hope 45 is a record year for you, too, G.
Glad you are glutton for punishment, G. Your posts are always interesting. Loved the part about your helping little G with her science. Science is my jam too.
For the record Dawn your happiness increases at 53 and doesn't stop until your dead.
For the record Dawn your happiness increases at 53 and doesn't stop until your dead.
That's what I'm saying.....I only have to ride out this slump 1 more year (plus a few weeks, since my 52nd isn't until the end of the month) then I'm golden. I got this!
Oh when I read downhill I took it another way.
I don't think your look is unique other then you have amazing eyes.
If you had a friend who looked just like you, you would rave about her gorgeous curly hair or her beautiful eyes, so take a good long look in the mirror, sister.
Do you all somehow know each other in real life? Because if not
this seems creepy LOL
It's not online dating it's men just don't generally know how to act. They were in loveless, sexless relationships for years. They will hear reasons for D from their Ws were "you never told me I was beautiful". This sticks in their mind so they use it when trying to date a woman. Honestly I think half the guys you ladies classify as creepy just have no game. My BF hasn't dated in 15 years and I watched him try to pick up a girl this summer and it made me cringe. Not a creep just no game. You hate the coach but he teaches until it becomes natural you should only comment on a girls dress, eyes, etc.
This is what I was getting at. Without a more detailed understanding of "creepy" behaviors you're experiencing it's coming across to me as men who are complimenting you on your looks (men are attracted visually) albeit a bit too much and a bit too strong. I wonder many of these are men who are genuinely attracted to you and might be good guys but don't know how to communicate it in a way that attracts them to you, and perhaps giving it a chance may lead to a deeper connection? Or maybe I'm way off base. Just a thought.
Also, when my ex was telling me he was leaving me , I was 6 months post partum not feeling my most beautiful . He wouldn’t tell me why he was leaving and k had to keep guessing. I said “is it the pregnancy weight?!?” And his response was “no, I still think you are hot” and that Made me feel like he hated who I was as a person.
Ugh. Leaving the mother of your 6 month old. It sounds insane. But then my ExW was having her affair when my daughter was 1yo and barely done nursing. Maybe it was more about
him acting like a word that'll get censored out
than you and your attractiveness or who you are as a person.
When it just so forward with the constant physical comments like I said, I do get uncomfortable. I get scared to meet the person. And yes! Don, that is what I’m thinking. “He doesn’t even know me, how can he be so into me?!!” Maybe if we had a chance to connect and really talk and get to know eachother I would understand why he would be excited to meet me. I would be excited too! But someone is overly excited without knowing jackshit about me, that makes my hair stand up
These two ideas are definitely take-aways for me, post-D as I enter the dating world. I've seen them mentioned in dating / self-help resources mentioned on the board as well, and Ginger's real world description and experiences seem to line up. Compliment woman, but not about overly physical characteristics or she'll get a creepy vibe, and don't get too into her too fast or she'll wonder why you're so into her without knowing her more deeply as a person.
My geographical location doesn’t help. It’s a very populated one, but when the pool is very big, that doesn’t always help.
Studies show that when there are too many choices it's hard for people to decide.
It's interesting, as people in less populated areas complain about the lack of available options LOL
Well, I’m with G on this one - and I don’t have any self esteem issues. When a guy comes on too strong before he even knows anything about me, it can be a turn off. If feels like either they’re in fantasyland or they only want to get laid - but it doesn’t make a woman feel seen. Compliments are fine but they should be in line with an interest in getting to know you.
Bad examples: “you’re so hot”, “I’m in bed thinking about you (before we’ve even met)”
Good examples: “you’re beautiful, I’d like to get to know more about you”. “ That’s interesting that you (work as a nurse, rock climb, play drums, whatever). What is that like?”
Maybe some are just desperate guys who think their “Me horny. You horny?” approach is seductive. But I think most women have pretty good radar for who has a genuine interest in getting to know them versus who is just casting a wide, random net hoping some woman will drop their panties.
Mind you, it’s different once you’re in a relationship. I love it when a guy I’m sleeping with tells me I’m hot. But as an opening salvo - nope.
Oh when I read downhill I took it another way.
Yeah, poor choice of words on my part. But I totally see why you read it that way. Following that study, though, Sparky is in the zone. He turned 53 in September. Woo hoo for him!
Do you all somehow know each other in real life? Because if not this seems creepy LOL
Well here’s the back story. See, Ginger and I dated for a while until LH stole her away using his coach tactics. Dawn helped Ginger see into the coach tactics LH was using so she kicked him to the curb but he still is hoping she will change her mind and take him back.
Or maybe we connected on social media. I’ll let you decide which version is really true.
Well here’s the back story. See, Ginger and I dated for a while until LH stole her away using his coach tactics.
This definitely sounds real.
Dawn helped Ginger see into the coach tactics LH was using so she kicked him to the curb.
This doesn't sound real at all.
Or maybe we connected on social media. I’ll let you decide which version is really true.
Or possibly someone post an email address on line and before it was deleted we exchanged numbers. Shhhh. Don't tell Job.
I'm "connected" to G and Don outside of these boards, but not LH. I'll let you decide if that supports Don's story or if we are all part of the mafia (which we can't admit to or we'd have to kill you).
This is what I was getting at. Without a more detailed understanding of "creepy" behaviors you're experiencing it's coming across to me as men who are complimenting you on your looks (men are attracted visually) albeit a bit too much and a bit too strong. I wonder many of these are men who are genuinely attracted to you and might be good guys but don't know how to communicate it in a way that attracts them to you, and perhaps giving it a chance may lead to a deeper connection? Or maybe I'm way off base. Just a thought.
Yep. I think you are a perfect example BL. I don't know you in real life but I bet your a great guy. The story you told about the girl you were interested in and posted on her FB is a perfect example. You found out she was single and instead of just making an innocent observation on her FB page like "wow you look like you were having fun at the beach, party, whatever" you said "oh I see your single again". One opens it up for a back and forth conversation and the other is kinda stalkerish. Doesn't mean you are a stalker it just comes off that way.
Good examples: “you’re beautiful, I’d like to get to know more about you”. “ That’s interesting that you (work as a nurse, rock climb, play drums, whatever). What is that like?”
I would dropped the your beautiful and probably the I'd like to get to know you better. That's obvious by asking questions.
Do you all somehow know each other in real life? Because if not this seems creepy LOL
Well here’s the back story. See, Ginger and I dated for a while until LH stole her away using his coach tactics. Dawn helped Ginger see into the coach tactics LH was using so she kicked him to the curb but he still is hoping she will change her mind and take him back.
Or maybe we connected on social media. I’ll let you decide which version is really true.
I
really hope it's the former! Haha
This is what I was getting at. Without a more detailed understanding of "creepy" behaviors you're experiencing it's coming across to me as men who are complimenting you on your looks (men are attracted visually) albeit a bit too much and a bit too strong. I wonder many of these are men who are genuinely attracted to you and might be good guys but don't know how to communicate it in a way that attracts them to you, and perhaps giving it a chance may lead to a deeper connection? Or maybe I'm way off base. Just a thought.
Yep. I think you are a perfect example BL. I don't know you in real life but I bet your a great guy. The story you told about the girl you were interested in and posted on her FB is a perfect example. You found out she was single and instead of just making an innocent observation on her FB page like "wow you look like you were having fun at the beach, party, whatever" you said "oh I see your single again". One opens it up for a back and forth conversation and the other is kinda stalkerish. Doesn't mean you are a stalker it just comes off that way.
Thanks for the reminder LH! ...and for pointing out that moment for everyone on here LOL
Admittedly not at all smooth. It's been a decade since I dated and definitely need to exercise the old flirting muscles I guess. And, maybe she's just not that into me regardless. Who knows.
BL it’s all good trust me I’ve had some mishaps I wish I could take back. Coach recommends Miagoi principals wax on wax off. Practice talking to cashiers, women in elevators etc to get comfortable. Repetition is the mother of skill.
Yep that’s probably the case. If a woman likes you she will make it easy for you to date her.
Chin up tits out!
Admittedly not at all smooth. It's been a decade since I dated and definitely need to exercise the old flirting muscles I guess. And, maybe she's just not that into me regardless. Who knows.
Direct is also good. The most attractive women I've dated I've met in person, and at least a couple of them were impressed I asked them for a date (after some conversation). Other men failed to act, or found excuses to get their digits--they appreciated the confident approach. But yes, no "oh I see your single again". Especially with that missing apostrophe.
Wow, a lot going while I’m busy at work.
LH, what do you do at work that you have so much time to respond right away? They pay you to DB all day?
I imagine some men don’t have any game and think women love to have their looks commented on all the time. I do truly believe they believe that. But yikes, it’s weird. Maybe extra weird for me because that didn’t come later in life for me.
I imagine I’m a real tough sell these days.
I started out this year after a huge dry spell ( thanks covid and gaining weight and losing confidence ) then I just really craved intimacy and physical touch and I did my one nighters. ( 2 of them) then I met the guy I did really like and couldn’t work out. (LH, he’s the one with the 3 and 5 year old fresh divorced and has no desire to put effort into anything and liked hanging out once a month “if he had the chance” I ended that.
As for asking “how long have you been divorce” I always ask. Like 5% of the guys in my age range has been divorced greater than 2 years. Or they have never been married which loses its own challenges .
These studies are dumb . I’ll be the most unhappy at 45? Well, no. My timeline is hugely different from others. I was married with kid and divorced before 30. So obviously my life does not paralell the normal one. I truly believe 45 and up is going to be wonderful for me. Super hard to adjust to not having my other half around ( my daughter) but my world will open up in many ways. I imagine that age range you mention, LH is for people who are miserable on their marriages, or just coming out a marriage lost in this world. NOT ME!
LH, dad bod is not a pear shape with man boobs. It’s a guy who might have a bit of a guy, but obviously works out and has muscles. My favorite type. 6 packs did it for me in my 20’s, but now I like a guy with meat and muscles. A guy who eats cottage cheese as his favorite meal and is always in the gym and obsessed with his looks isn’t for me. Especially those who drink some crappy tasteless light beer. EEEEWWWWWW!
And a guy saying “you seem really cool, I would like to get to know you better” will totally get me interested. Sure, us women like to hear we are pretty, but more so once you get to know us. And I’m all about the sexy talk when we have established a connection. Not when we don’t know eachother .
Still not active on dating apps. Horse guy just keeps messaging me even when i don’t respond. He works nights and I work days and my days have been nuts. I keep meeting guys who work the opposite shift. Would have been nice when I worked nights to meet a guy who worked nights, lol. But then again, I was married and then divorced with a baby when I worked nights
I picked up 3 extra shifts this month. I got offered at my salaried job to fill in a blank for overtime and not comp time the way it usually is. So I took it. I work Saturday. Took another shift at the end of the month. Basically I am working 4 weekends in a row. But it’s money. I’m exhausted and burnt out, but I see dollar signs .that’s where my focus is. Might as well make the dough in the winter when there is nothing else to do.
My life right now is work and gym and throw in parenting and adulting.
LH, what do you do at work that you have so much time to respond right away? They pay you to DB all day?
You know what I do and why I am looking for another job.
I imagine some men don’t have any game and think women love to have their looks commented on all the time. I do truly believe they believe that. But yikes, it’s weird. Maybe extra weird for me because that didn’t come later in life for me.
It is weird. If only there was a book that would teach men not to do that.
I started out this year after a huge dry spell ( thanks covid and gaining weight and losing confidence ) then I just really craved intimacy and physical touch and I did my one nighters.
I know Covid is bad but this is the first time I heard it take the blame for hoing around lol.
( 2 of them) then I met the guy I did really like and couldn’t work out. (LH, he’s the one with the 3 and 5 year old fresh divorced and has no desire to put effort into anything and liked hanging out once a month “if he had the chance” I ended that.
Ah so you touched the stove on the newly divorced and got burned. Interesting.
As for asking “how long have you been divorce” I always ask. Like 5% of the guys in my age range has been divorced greater than 2 years. Or they have never been married which loses its own challenges .
Someone who is a match, compatible enough to spend the rest of your life with is hard to find.
I imagine that age range you mention, LH is for people who are miserable on their marriages, or just coming out a marriage lost in this world. NOT ME!
Interesting you lump long term marriages and being miserable together. Yet here we preach vows, commitment, death to we part etc.
LH, dad bod is not a pear shape with man boobs. It’s a guy who might have a bit of a guy, but obviously works out and has muscles. My favorite type. 6 packs did it for me in my 20’s, but now I like a guy with meat and muscles.
I see. I think I have a dad bod.
A guy who eats cottage cheese as his favorite meal and is always in the gym and obsessed with his looks isn’t for me. Especially those who drink some crappy tasteless light beer. EEEEWWWWWW!
Interesting how society feels its ok to mock and shame someone who takes care of the most important possession a person has.
And a guy saying “you seem really cool, I would like to get to know you better” will totally get me interested. Sure, us women like to hear we are pretty, but more so once you get to know us. And I’m all about the sexy talk when we have established a connection. Not when we don’t know each other .
I do believe there is a book out there that teaches that kind of stuff.
Still not active on dating apps.
Well considering how much you hate and despise it I hope not.
Horse guy just keeps messaging me even when i don’t respond.
Who in the fuch is horse guy? If you don't want him messaging you why don't you block him?
I picked up 3 extra shifts this month. I got offered at my salaried job to fill in a blank for overtime and not comp time the way it usually is. So I took it. I work Saturday. Took another shift at the end of the month. Basically I am working 4 weekends in a row. But it’s money. I’m exhausted and burnt out, but I see dollar signs .that’s where my focus is. Might as well make the dough in the winter when there is nothing else to do.
I couldn't agree more.
My life right now is work and gym and throw in parenting and adulting.
Sounds like a great life! Stick to it, embrace it and enjoy it. You only have one.
You keep mentioning a book, LH. While I would imagine you are referring to your coach's book, I would contend that there are actually any number of books out there to help both men and women navigate the dating world so that people can choose and read the option that works best for them since not all books are created equal. The problem, however, lies in getting men (and women, as the case may be) to actually READ those books. I'm willing to bet a decent amount of my salary that the men G is referring to are NOT burning up the bookstore aisles or the Amazon website to purchase any books on dating because they THINK they "got this".
For what it is worth, G, my life took a HUGE change for the better just prior to my 45th birthday. The first few months of my 45th year were rough since I was dealing with the aftermath of my D, but once I got my own wheels lined out, so to speak, 45 and up were awesome. There are always exceptions to studies and I hope you are one of them.
You keep mentioning a book, LH. While I would imagine you are referring to your coach's book, I would contend that there are actually any number of books out there to help both men and women navigate the dating world so that people can choose and read the option that works best for them since not all books are created equal. The problem, however, lies in getting men (and women, as the case may be) to actually READ those books. I'm willing to bet a decent amount of my salary that the men G is referring to are NOT burning up the bookstore aisles or the Amazon website to purchase any books on dating because they THINK they "got this".
I agree. I read once that self help books are purchased by men only 5% of the time. I have read many but the book I am referring is a easy read with basic concepts.
LH, what do you do at work that you have so much time to respond right away? They pay you to DB all day?
I have been wondering this for a year or more. Pay someone a weekly salary to play on the internet all day rather than do actual work. As a business owner or manager I cringe. Great gig if you can get it I guess. Not very rewarding though.
You keep mentioning a book, LH. While I would imagine you are referring to your coach's book, I would contend that there are actually any number of books out there to help both men and women navigate the dating world so that people can choose and read the option that works best for them since not all books are created equal.
Actual books, by noted and known best selling authors, that you can actually pick up and hold or purchase in one of the still remaining books stores, rather than self published e-books by someone most people have never heard of, you mean?
Great gig if you can get it I guess. Not very rewarding though.
It has it advantages and disadvantages. I am currently interviewing and will be gone from the board if I get another job.
Actual books, by noted and known best selling authors, that you can actually pick up and hold or purchase in one of the still remaining books stores, rather than self published e-books by someone most people have never heard of, you mean?
Personally I think it is more helpful then a book that suggests Ginger should be a prostitute. But that is just me.
For the record Don you can purchase a hard copy of the book if you are looking for late Christmas gifts.
You keep mentioning a book, LH. While I would imagine you are referring to your coach's book, I would contend that there are actually any number of books out there to help both men and women navigate the dating world so that people can choose and read the option that works best for them since not all books are created equal. The problem, however, lies in getting men (and women, as the case may be) to actually READ those books. I'm willing to bet a decent amount of my salary that the men G is referring to are NOT burning up the bookstore aisles or the Amazon website to purchase any books on dating because they THINK they "got this".
I agree. I read once that self help books are purchased by men only 5% of the time. I have read many but the book I am referring is a easy read with basic concepts.
I haven't gotten through all of them yet, but I've purchase a dozen print and audio books recommended here on the forums and plan to continue if I see new ones mentioned.
Athol Kay has some good books BL.
people are NOT fungible. I do not ever want to interact with humans who believe this to be true.
people are NOT fungible. I do not ever want to interact with humans who believe this to be true.
Huh?
the guy you revere - here's a quote: Quotes by Athol Kay. "The truth is most things and people are fungible.
VERY. much disagree.
He basically said everyone is replaceable and compared people to “throwing a bad apple away and getting a new one”
Pretty much what our exes did to us, right ?
He basically said everyone is replaceable and compared people to “throwing a bad apple away and getting a new one”
Pretty much what our exes did to us, right ?
Yeah, I'm not thrilled to be likened to a used car, trade in every three years for a newer model. That's how my ex made me feel and that's what this quote says to me.
Each person is unique, each of us has something special to offer. this fungible concept removes our humanity.
Just remember that what is ones person trash is another persons treasure.
Uuum it’s a a metaphor BF.
I was talking to some of the single moms on my unit today. We are all struggling financially. All of us are trying to find second or third jobs and OT to make ends meet and to make sure our kids are happy. We are all feeling it lately. I literally looked for a 3rd job today.
We are barely surviving on one income in our state trying to raise kids. It’s so sad. We are all working ourselves to the bone.
I couldn’t even imagine what it must be like raising children in a 2 income house old . Or Atleast a part of this country that is remotely affordable
G, I understand the innate need to make our babies happy and comfortable, but can I tell you from a place about 10 years away from yours....they really don't appreciate half of the sacrifices you make. Also, if you make comfort their 'normal', you make it harder than it needs to be for them when they are trying to be responsible for their own wellbeing.
My boys never wanted for anything when they were growing up. To be fair, I knew that they needed to learn money management when they were growing up, but XH typically made up for long work trips away with expensive gifts, travel to exotic destinations and wads of cash. Even with all that largesse, the boys only ever understood how lucky they were in an intellectual sense. They didn't actually feel lucky.
Now unfortunately, as adults they are both battling what comes to those with a sense of entitlement. Since D has done it's financial thing to us as a family, one child struggles with envy of rich kids having more than he does and the other is finding it hard to understand that he has to work hard to get anywhere. I really regret contributing to these issues when they were younger - I look back now and feel that I should have tried harder to give them less and teach them more about hard work and gratitude.
to piggy back off devvo - is little G old enough to get a small part time job, so she can save up for the things she really wants? it's a separate thought, but reading devvo's post reminded me of that great feeling when I had as a kid when I bought something with my own money that I worked and saved up to get.
Bye devvo and bttfly !
I try very hard not to spoil my daughter and give her everything she wants. She is very aware we are cutting back on take out and going out to eat. I haven’t taken the kid on a vacation in years, but she keeps getting fancy vacations from her dad and I certainly am not even going to try to keep up with that one. I did book an overnight at the water park resort. It’s a few bucks for sure, but I have points on a credit card, and I worked an extra shift. I need a little getaway myself.
True story on the appreciation. I don’t get much at all. I hope one day she looks back and realizes the hard work and effort I went through to raise her as normal as possible as a single parent. Sometimes she gets it I hope.
She has her own debit card. I am so intent on teaching her how to adult and how to manage finances. Thank for they get a semester of financial literacy each each year in high school. It’s so very important .
As far as work. 16 is the age around here. Unless it’s under the table. It’s also tough that going into the summer where all her friends will be 16, she will still be 15. Some places I know do hire u see the table and I would like to try finding a summer job for her that pays cash and will hire her. Right now she earns money with chores, but it’s my money she is earning!
Well, I exercised a boundary today, sort of.
It’s my weekend with D but I picked up a shift today. I told her we could go out to dinner tigger her tonight since I’ve got some extra $$$ for working today. She’s hanging out with her grandmother today. D just called me to say everyone is hanging out at ex SIL’s ( my ex, his wife, grandma) for football tonight . I was invited. D wanted me to go. I told her it’s fine if she goes, but I’m going to politely decline the invite. D chose them over me because it’s a whole family thing with her little cousins, but I understand. At least I save some money. I just really don’t want to hang out with my ex in-laws. And I don’t like football . So I’ll just be hanging out by myself tonight. I lost my dinner date.
Oh well. It’ll be and the dog tonight again. Maybe I’ll get myself some sushi as a treat
Good lord. That meant to say “hi!” Not “bye”!
Ginger, sorry your D canceled her dinner date. Given all the money you saved taking an extra shift, and your plan was already to treat yourselves, I'd go ahead and treat yourself. After a long shift, I imagine relaxing to a nice meal and a walk or watching your TV will feel good. It may be too late to invite friends over, but consider calling or texting one. (:
Honestly, I was really looking forward to our tonight. And I’m kind of pissed he invited her without asking me if we had plans first. Of course she chose the family get together. And it just ends up making me more sad I never had the family to offer. Oh well. Just not meant for some people.
No friends available . So I’m watching this show on HBO max “my mom, your dad” where adult kids bring their middle aged parents to this house ( bachelor style) to find love. The twist is, the kids are in a house next door ( parents don’t know)and they watch it all on TV and “meddle” in their dates. Totally disturbing in the fact there 18+ kids have to watch their parents get all naughty. But it’s entertaining. And you can tell these kids really want their parents to find love.
I can’t help that most of them are very attractive and one woman would be considered “less attractive “ by societies standards. It’s hard watching the men not want her. That was not a good idea .
Anyways. Work wasn’t bad. Happy Saturday night to me
Good lord. That meant to say “hi!” Not “bye”!
so glad you posted that. thought I'd offended you.
Of course you didn’t, bttfly.
By the way, for all of those who think it’s great I am where I am with my ex and his wife, well, I still have triggers. Petty triggers.
When we talk about weekends and custody he always says “WE have her “ when he says we in regards to my daughter my heart races and my blood pressure goes up.
When he speaks of they vacation they are taking her on over spring break I get very upset. Heart rate and BP up again. 1) I can’t afford to take her anywhere like sand Diego where they are taking her 2) it’s just the 3 of them on a happy family trip and I’m sure everyone thinks that’s her daughter 3) I hate that I’m still alone and can’t do these things.
So. Some things never go away. This I think will never go away. And yes, you feel it much more when you don’t have a partner of your own . Having your own partner and your own “family” vacations definitely makes it much easier.
Some days I can’t believe it’s 14 years later it never happened for me/us.
What the heck is wrong with me?
If I had to guess it has to be one of two things. You are either too picky or you self sabotage because you don’t want to get hurt again.
G- I don't think you're being too picky. You might be passing over some guys who are too available, because chasing after the difficult or unavailable types feels more familiar to your childhood experiences. But you've worked really hard to be more picky - to take time to decide if a guy is right for YOU, rather than spending all your energy trying to convince difficult guys that you were right for THEM. You did a lot of hard work around this issue and you've made a lot of progress. You don't scare guys off by coming on too strong anymore. You look more carefully at who they are. All good things.
I was reading an article the other day about how hard it is making friends in adulthood. And while I don't remember everything it said, the gist was that the keys to making friends organically are continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability.
Those things are easy to come by when you're young but less so as we get older. The psychologist quoted said: "Franco insists that while making friends later in life largely doesn't happen organically like it did back when you were in school, it's far from impossible.
They key, she tells WBUR, is not to rely on chance and instead to organize regularly scheduled group activities like a book club, rotating potluck, or biweekly Saturday hike. (Strangely, singing together has been scientifically shown to be a particularly effective way to cement friendships, so maybe search out a local choir if you're musical.)
Not only does this nudge the time-strapped to find time in their schedules for friends; it also shifts friendship from a one-to-one tie to a group endeavor, making it easier to sustain in the face of adulthood's inevitable stresses.
"Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch," Franco explains.
It's also essential to get over your initial shyness and actually ask for new people's contact information. This might make you feel awkward or vulnerable, but Franco reassures the reluctant that these conversations are likely to go much better than you fear. "We all have this tendency to think we're more likely to be rejected than we actually are," she says. "
Now - while this article (in Inc) was discussing friendships, I imagine the same would be true for romantic relationships. Maybe some of these strategies will become more available to you as the pandemic calms down.
But it's not you.
Ginger1,
By the way, for all of those who think it’s great I am where I am with my ex and his wife, well, I still have triggers. Petty triggers.
When we talk about weekends and custody he always says “WE have her “ when he says we in regards to my daughter my heart races and my blood pressure goes up.
When he speaks of they vacation they are taking her on over spring break I get very upset. Heart rate and BP up again.
As you know, I empathize with your situation. I think those triggers are perfectly normal and completely understandable, and can imagine it still stings...even after so long. Sorry :-/
Hello G
By the way, for all of those who think it’s great I am where I am with my ex and his wife, well, I still have triggers. Petty triggers.
Sorry G. Darn triggers.
Uncouple that irrational tie between event and trigger. You cannot control if they say “we” or not. You can control your thoughts, actions, and reactions; which in turn will influence your emotions; which together with your thoughts will influence your beliefs and convictions. Those deeply held core values that lead us and stir up such triggers.
When he speaks of they vacation they are taking her on over spring break I get very upset. Heart rate and BP up again. 1) I can’t afford to take her anywhere like sand Diego where they are taking her 2) it’s just the 3 of them on a happy family trip and I’m sure everyone thinks that’s her daughter 3) I hate that I’m still alone and can’t do these things.
So. Some things never go away. This I think will never go away. And yes, you feel it much more when you don’t have a partner of your own . Having your own partner and your own “family” vacations definitely makes it much easier.
Why are you very upset?
The listed three points I suspect are not the deep cause.
1) Ok, you cannot afford to go to San Diego. Stop comparing. No need to.
2) Would you rather D had a unhappy trip? Or rather this was less family-like? I’m sure somewhere deep inside there is a little wee spot that would be ok if D didn’t want to go. And I’m also sure that a much larger spot would feel really bad if that were the case. Make inner peace with this wee spot.
And yes, D would probably appear and be assumed to be their daughter. Let it go. You cannot control that. Besides, remember, you are Mom! D knows that. And D loves you.
3) Hate. That is a passionate response. A thing like that can blind one to the blessing before them.
I empathize with your frustration. And with the feeling like this will never go away or change. G, all feelings are fleeting. They will flit away unless they are reinforced. And long term reinforcement comes from one’s beliefs; from deeply held convictions.
An example: You feel it much more when you don’t have a partner of your own.
Not accurate nor true. My XW has a partner and the torment she endures is horrible. The truth is, a partner is not a requisite of a happy life. That happiness comes from within.
Another: Having your own partner and your own “family” vacations definitely makes it much easier.
Nope. Your, imagination is leading you astray. It can be much easier or it can be much more difficult. The ease, peace, and joy again starts with what’s inside; not if there is a partner or a lavish family vacation.
The grass is greenest where one waters it.
If one nurtures imagined things, fertilizes events outside of their own life, their crop will be one which is not desired.
Look to your life and that which is within your control and influence. And nurture. Water it well. Peace and contentment will grow and flourish.
Find the deep cause of these triggers and stop watering. Let it wither.
Put your efforts and resources to much better use.
D
Oh boy.
KML, thank you for recognizing that i have come a long way in not pretzeling myself and becoming too available. I am definitely more picky than I have ever been. The pendulum has definitely swung in the other direction. I don't know how healthy that is for me either.
DNJ, I have come to a point in my life where I can still feel stuff, I recognize the feelings, and I allow myself ot feel whatever it is. I am a chronic overhthinker and feeler, so for me, it's a little different, I tend to not delve deep anymore and take my feelings and emotions for face value. I am able to seperate my feelings from what hurts me and makes me upset, from what is good for my daughter. I can recognize I can be hurt, personally, while knowing my daughter is daughter is happy and getting some amazing opportunities. I can feel pain for me and happiness for her at the same time and totally be able to separate them
I went on a date tonight. I went in with not the best attitude because I am exhausted and just not in the dating mood. But it was fun. He was cool, but there was no romantic connection I believe on either of our parts. I know he was physically attracted to me, but chemistry it was not. Good convo, laughs, etc, but something missing.
But something has been missing forever for years since M. If I am physically attracted I am not emotionally attracted. Or I am neither. And I know the other side feels something missing too on an emotional chemistry level. Those who want another date with me, I don't want it with them. I feel nothing. And those who do want another date I think it's because they are physically attracted to me, but not emotiionally. Which is weird for me, because I never thought my looks were my best best feature.
I realize, how many dates that are basically blind can i go on? It has become an act in a way. It's too my disadvantage that I have the ability to get along with anyone. I can laugh, I can keep a convo, I am generally charming. But I know it most come off as fake or not genuine. Nothing i feels genuine on all these blind dates without connection. I am not being fake, I am just being me. But it all feels so fake.
I leave these dates and I go home and cry. everytime. l like I have been too and single too long to ever be able to form a genuine connection again. If it ever does happen for me, it won't be through OLD dating again. It will have to be something that grows through getting to know someone over time. That's the only way I have connected with anyone that i ever truly felt a connection for. M was the only guy through OLD that I had a true connection with. everyone else was IRL.
I am struggling big time lately. I am working 6 days a week to make ends meet. Trying to keep up with the house, with the gym with my diet, with making sure my daughter is cared for and has what she needs. Trying to stay on top of her grades and getting her into better study habits. Helping her keep up with her social life. Work is an extra challenge. Aside from working myself to death, our department is struggling and people look to me often. But I am not the manager. I have volunteered to do a presentation to coworkers to help with all their questions and concerns. I ma getting a certification that will help the department and at the same time get some some side money. If i can market myself with this certification well, I can make some good money.
My struggle is real. It is ongoing. Nothing gets easier. I just have to keep working harder and harder. And I am so physically and emotionally tired. And I don't know how much more I can take. Something has got to give. To everyone on the outside I am some sort of super woman. I am a rock, my attitude is upbeat, I am here for everyone. But inside, I am falling apart ANd I just need someone else to say " I got you"
Yeah, that’s the best. Even us strong girls need someone to lean on once in a while.
Be a little careful about judging chemistry on the first date. I’ve dated men that it was mega chemistry from the first date. And I’ve dated men where I didn’t feel the chemistry at first, but they won me over, over time. In retrospect, the longest relationships I’ve had have fallen into the second category.
Some people get more attractive over time as you get to know them better.
Now, if you felt there was no chemistry because you didn’t have similar values or goals, or because he was just someone you couldn’t ever imagine being physically attracted to, that’s a different matter. But some people deserve a second date before you make up your mind. Which category does he fall into?
Btw, those guys I’ve dated with the mega chemistry on the first date? Almost all turned out to be Love Avoidants or otherwise unavailable. Just saying, sometimes what sets off our “chemistry” isn’t what’s good for us, but what triggers our childhood wounds.
I went on a date tonight. I went in with not the best attitude because I am exhausted and just not in the dating mood. But it was fun. He was cool, but there was no romantic connection I believe on either of our parts. I know he was physically attracted to me, but chemistry it was not. Good convo, laughs, etc, but something missing.
Ginger, you point out when I'm shooting myself in the foot with my date selection. He was fun, cool, and physically attractive--umm, why not give it time to see if it develops?! Fun bodes well for a couple of more dates!
If it ever does happen for me, it won't be through OLD dating again. It will have to be something that grows through getting to know someone over time.
Why are you willing to wait to see what grows if you meet IRL but not if you meet OLD??
I leave these dates and I go home and cry. everytime.
Awww.
If it's that much of a chore I can see why you want a break!
I am struggling big time lately. I am working 6 days a week to make ends meet. Trying to keep up with the house, with the gym with my diet, with making sure my daughter is cared for and has what she needs. But inside, I am falling apart ANd I just need someone else to say " I got you"
Wow--that's a lot to deal with. Sending prayers. Like the songs say, "Even heroes have a right to say, it's not easy, being me." I wonder if the "fake" is that on first dates you feel you can't open up about the reality of your fight?
M was the only guy through OLD that I had a true connection with. everyone else was IRL.
Don't forget though that as I remember you were peddling both ends of that bicycle and he was largely going along for the ride. Not to mention the other things like his need to light up a joint all the time plus undoubtedly other stuff that might not have come out.
I can understand how it's easy to look back and see the good. I have a hard time looking back to the exact same time when I happened to be dating "B" and seeing the things then that weren't good for me and only remembering the good.
To do the over-analyzing thing, perhaps one of the reasons you felt such a connection with M was that you were doing all the work and thus making the dream you wanted?
There's a hardware store I go to from time to time knowing that the woman who works at the service desk there will always make sure that I leave with what I need, not necessarily what I came in looking for. Be nice if OLD worked that way too
((G))
I just need someone else to say " I got you"
I like what Andrew wrote. It takes time to build a relationship like that. Maybe Mr. fun, attractive, and cool would be the type to say that—if you knew him, if he knew you.
I also see my own angst in your comment. You also want someone to be there for you. As I posed in my thread, why must that be someone you’re sleeping with, why can’t that be a friend?
I can totally relate to the triggers Ginger [and your OLD experiences]. Whenever my XH texts me, he always says “we” and it occurs to me that he and I stopped being “we” years ago when he started creating a second life for himself. If he had been half as dedicated to our partnership and our family as he seems to be to his new one, I know we would have had a really good shot at making it. It is hard not to take that personally…to wonder why they couldn’t be that person for us. I wasn’t perfect. No one is. But… I know that nothing I did or did not do could ever justify the choices he made and the stress and worry he put me and our children through so it is not and never has been about me. It is the same for you and your ex. The choices he made back then were about him and not about you. You are more than enough.
With respect to your financial situation and the man situation. Sorry things are so rough. I know this has been a long, hard road for you. All I can say is please do not give up hope that things will change. Stay open to possibilities and follow your gut. It is amazing, when the right person and/or the right opportunity comes along, how quickly things can turn around.
I’m with the others regarding the guy you went out with. There must have been some kind of chemistry for you to have enjoyed yourself so much. Maybe worth a second meeting?? If not a romantic one, perhaps a friend one? You never know… he may not be your person but maybe befriending him would lead you to meeting your person. I’m in a similar situation. The guy I just went out with is exactly what I was looking for on paper and while there wasn’t a huge amount of romantic chemistry, I think there was enough to warrant getting to know him better. In the past, I might have run away because I’m not “sure” about my feelings but honestly, I’m not sure about most things these days. Why should this be any different? He is definitely the cream of the crop, so to speak, when it comes to the other guys I have dated post divorce…including the two guys I had a relationship with. So I’m giving it every chance to work out.
Anyway…sending you big hugs my friend. You are not alone. We’ve all “got you”. I know that’s not the same but perhaps it will suffice until your person makes his appearance. He is out there Ginger. I know he is.
I leave these dates and I go home and cry. everytime.
But inside, I am falling apart ANd I just need someone else to say " I got you"
G, have you considered signing up for a few sessions of IC?
Really great comments so far. Believe it or not that is refreshing rather than reading while shaking my head and rolling my eyes. WTG gang. I very much relate with what you’re going through. Now only if I had some great suggestions. I do winder if it’s not the guys but the frame of mind you’re in. I get it. It’s like a no win. Stay away from OLD or dating in general but that’s frustrating. Try dating but that’s frustrating too. It’s like a no win. But like the others, unless I’m missing something, this guy seems worth a second date. I mean what’s the downside? Is it worse to try again with the chance it doesn’t amount to anything or close the door and guarantee it won’t. It’s nice to have that first date spark where you’re often thinking about him and hoping he will call or dreaming of that next date. It’s nice when everything just falls into place but is that realistic? It seems to happen for me like once a year. I too have experienced where the other person gets more attractive as time goes on. I’ve had it said to me - either as a backhanded compliment or hopefully just a very honest person who told me right out the more time we spend together the more attractive I become. Ouch but I also get it.
I fear until you get into a better head space none of these guys are going to excite you. What else can they do? He was attractive. You had fun. Doesn’t sound like he went right to the physical with you. Well what else could he have done? Or were you just not feeling it? If so I again fear it’s you. I just don’t know how to get you out of it. But if you’re forcing yourself to date, perhaps that’s your answer. I thought you were taking a break from dating and for sure from OLD? You’re caught in this repeating cycle.
What happened to the guy your coworker was setting you up with?
What happened to the hiking group guy?
I had to reread what I wrote when I saw that Don approved…lol. All good. I still stand by what I said.
G - Just wondering a bit more about what you mean when you say there was no “connection”. Good conversation, laughs, a physical attraction…. Aren’t all of those things indicative of some kind of a connection? I was thinking back to the date I just had and I’m not sure we made a “connection” in terms of what I think about when I hear that word. But it was a first meeting with someone I’d never had a voice conversation with or a video chat with so I’m not sure it would be realistic to expect there to be an emotional connection. You went into the date “not in the mood” and you enjoyed yourself. That’s saying something, I think.
When I got home the other night, my BIL asked me how my date went and I told him. I said I thought there would likely be a second date but I wasn’t “sure” if it would turn into something significant. He just looked at me and said, “Why would you need to know that right now?” So simple, right? Why do us overthinkers try to make it more than that? This guy is total relationship material… so much more so than the other two guys I actually had a relationship with. He has his sh*t together. Why would I not give a relationship with someone like that every opportunity to develop? I’d be a fool not to.
Also… I get what you are saying about being able to have a good time with almost anyone. I’m that way too. I’ve never been worried about awkward silences or other uncomfortable situations because frankly, as a social worker, I’ve been in the middle of situations that the minor discomfort of dinner with a stranger can’t even begin to approach so I have all of the confidence in the world that I can hold my own conversationally with anyone. I’m not sure that is fake or an act though…to me, it’s a skill and an honest interest in human beings and their lives and what makes them who they are. As a nurse, I can imagine that you are probably quite similar in that way.
Wow, really some great feedback from everyone. I have been taking it all in throughout the day. Been really reflecting and thinking it all through.
The Date: I can't say I found him physically attractive. I basically didn't find him unattractive. It's kind of weird, I attract a certain physical type which isn't really my physical type. Aside from that. I found the date ok because he gave off no creepy vibes like my most recent dates have. It was nice that it I didn't feel uncomfortable. I was comfortable.
I understand where everyone is coming form regarding chemistry and all of that. It could build. I may feel it on the second or 3rd date. I should give it a second date. ANd I actually would! But he doesn't want to! I can't make that part happen. He hasn't rejected me, but i am to versed at this. He isn't interested in another date. I haven't heard from him and he did the good bye hug, text me when you get home, I did, told him I had a fun time and I thanked him. He was brief and said " I just got home, I had fun too" that was it. He has no desire for a second date. ANd i couldn't care less.
I just have gone on so many first dates. They are all generally the same. Very superficial as they should be with strangers. I would never share a struggle or go deep with someone on the first date. Keep it light and fun. That's all you can do. It's just the same thing over and over. I also know my heart is not really in it with these people that i don't even know. That's why I know I would do so much better with a person I just met who started as a friend and something grew.
Hiking guy was too much. He would send like 5 follow up texts if I didn't answer right away. God no. No one has anyone to set me up with. One cowoker really wants me with her brother. But apparently he likes to break up with and get back together with his awful girlfriend. That's it. Not much prospect. I am not active on any OLD platforms. They were old matches. But I decided to delete my account all together today.
This brings me to my other issues and struggles. re: friends being the person who got your back. I have some decent friends. Some who i thought were my ride or dies really aren't. But I do have good friends. But lets be real. They have their kids, husbands, jobs, families. They give the support a partner gives to their partners. WOuld they be there for me in an emergency? Absolutely. But we know partners are your partner. I also cannot be vulnerable with anyone. Here and MY old IC . That was it. I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with anyone. Even my dad gives me all of this " I want you to tell me everything" but whenever i do, he immediately invalidates any feeling i have. The last guy I became vulnerable with was M and we all know how that turned out. People in my life come to me to be vulnerable to me. FOr me to listen and support. I don't think I am capable fo flipping the script. I have no brothers no sisters, no family I am close to. My cousin is [censored] me dry of everything emotionally, and I can't really be vulnerable with her.
In a nutshell, I am depressed. I have been struggling for so long thinking and hoping eventually things will get easier and they don't. I have worked very hard to try to make things easier and better for myself. To no real avail. I work hard, very hard, and i am broke. I lay up at night looking for a solution and right now the only one is to find more ways ot make money. I am stuck here, in this house in this state, with one income for at the very least 3.5 years. I do all the heavy lifting in parenting even though my ex and i get along. I am the problem solver, the motivator, the one on top of her school,her friends, her healthcare, her everything. My ex does none of that. He has no clue in what's going on in her life.
I was in the worst fog today. My brain was not processing at work today. I am usually very quick and on point. Not today. Not lately. I had to go grocery shopping after work on no energy, I cried in my driveway. D is having a bunch of friends come over tomorrow, 2 have never been over, and they are rich. She goes to a county school and I live in a pricey county. My house is a disaster because I haven't had time or energy. I am embarrassed to have these kids come to my tiny messy home. I am waking up at 5:30 am tomorrow to clean. I have no energy now. And then a nor easter is coming friday into saturday and i have only saturday off and i have to be out there every hour shoveling.
I have absolutely thought about going back to IC. But it is way to overwhelming to me. For one, finding someone in network and then finding the time to go . and then I get so overwhelmed at where to begin. To go through everything again. I don't know if I have the capacity to do it. To speak of how i got to where i am now.It's too much for me right now. But i know I should.
I feel like I cant keep going like this. But I also have no other options. That;s the worst part
Ginger, you rock, getting up at 5:30 tomorrow to clean the place so your kids feel comfortable having their friends over. I hope you’re able relax some tonight. You deserve it.
Girl friend - you need a break. And some single girlfriends.
You're an awesome mom. And I'm sorry your ex is so useless, but then we knew that, right?
3 1/2 years seems like a long time but it'll be gone before you know it. Then you'll have some options - like selling your house and taking the equity to a less expensive housing market, or becoming a traveling nurse and making better money, or just working shifts again.
You do sound depressed, and please make sure you're taking your meds if you have them, and taking some supplements that can help. Find a way to do some self care. Take a sick day as a mental health day if you need to. Plan something to look forward to for you. Start thinking about groups or activities you might want to get involved in in the future that could be more promising in terms of getting to know people. Make a vision board.
(((((Hug)))))
Ginger,
I'm sorry you're depressed and struggling. It must be difficult to deal with work during COVID, financial stresses, serve as the primary parent raising your daughter....all on your own for such a long time and without the partner you had signed up for it with.
I don't know you IRL but get the sense you're a wonderful mother and will be a great catch for someone when the person and time is right. I'll echo what others have said about opening up to the possibility of giving the 1st dates a 2nd or 3rd date to see if a connection/attraction develops. Or, perhaps don't date at all for awhile to reset your mindset.
I work hard, very hard, and i am broke. I lay up at night looking for a solution and right now the only one is to find more ways ot make money.
I don't know the history of your child support agreement with ExH - you've mention he makes less than you and therefore doesn't pay much, but also have said between him and OW they go on vacations and buy things you can't afford. They seem to want to be friends with you and act almost like a family in some sense. I wonder if you could approach him about the topic and ask for a bit more financial support for your daughter as you're the primary? Perhaps they've be reasonable there as time has passed, considering they invite you over for game night. Or maybe I'm completely off base.
I do all the heavy lifting in parenting even though my ex and i get along. I am the problem solver, the motivator, the one on top of her school,her friends, her healthcare, her everything. My ex does none of that. He has no clue in what's going on in her life.
I'm sure this must be incredibly difficult, but you're getting the better deal. Poor guy...he won't know what he's missed.
Hang in there! Keep being a great mom!
Ginger…
I’ve been offline for a while… I’m sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed and unsupported. It’s very hard to be the strong one for everyone and have no one really do that for you. I also have this problem. Thank goodness that this group is here and we are all with you…but I know it’s not exactly the same as having someone right there to hug you, say I got you, hand you a glass of wine and just do stuff for you so you can rest. And to really listen to you and be there for you.
I’ve been reading about how after the level of trauma we’ve been under how the ordinary (or even pleasant) can feel so, well, not right. It very well could be that when you go on these dates there is no chemistry, but I think after what has happened to you, it might be hard to really know you are actually not feeling chemistry versus just not feeling the familiar (as in trauma response). After all the drama, anything easy or good just feels off. At least that is what I am feeling and thinking is happening to me. Maybe it speaks to you as well?
I agree that judging someone on the first date isn’t always going to tell you what you need to know. If you had a nice time and would enjoy seeing the person again, what do you have to loose by going on a couple more dates and digging deeper into who someone is? Lord knows that the older we get, and the more drama we have experienced, the more we might be protecting ourselves and not really showing our true selves to others right away.
Anyway, hang in there. You are an awesome mom. It will get better. Just know it. Just be sure to fill your own tank. Hugs to you…
El
Ginger - I'm so sorry you are still struggling so much.
I have some unsolicited advice for you that you won't like.
Sell the house and go back to renting.
I know that cost-wise it's probably similar monthly costs but the wind-fall from the house equity would probably help clear out a bunch of bills.
I know you love the house and the fact that you, as a single-hard-working Mom are a home-owner and that you are very proud of that.
It's also I think a source of a lot of your financial and other stress. You're stretched too thin and are living house-poor.
If you're thinking of moving out of the area eventually anyway, renting gives you more flexibility on when/how/if you make that choice.
((Ginger))
Have you explored options to tap into the equity in your house? With the recent real estate boom, I am assuming your house is worth a lot more than your mortgage, so there are probably potential options to tap into it without selling your house.
I understand you are busy, but if you are feeling overwhelmed and depressed, I would highly recommend getting at least some professional help. Your mental health is important and needs to be prioritized. Hang in there - you got this!
G,
Why don't you just start where you are today, rather than re-hashing, re: IC? I know that you'll need to give a history, but giving the executive summary is a good start. Think of some bullet points of what you want to address immediately, small, achievable goals.
YOu've got to start putting the oxygen mask on yourself if you're going to get through the next 3.5 years. But what happens after that? You're still going to bring yourself where ever you go, meaning you need to take care of yourself NOW. Not-so-little-anymore G needs you to do that more than she needs you to do anything else.
xoxo
Good Morning Ginger
Your struggles and depression has struck a chord within me. I do empathize with where you find yourself. (((Hugs))) I will share some of my path and actions that have worked for me; feel free to do with it as you see fit.
Depression is a necessary step along life’s path. While walking within its fogginess, it seems, it feels, like it will last forever. Emotional fog limits the reach of our vision. Depression’s focus is upon the past, upon the loss, not towards the future.
Have faith, this will pass. The fog will thin and sun will shine through and light the future once again. A future, by the way, that right now exists; even though you cannot clearly see it.
I have some decent friends. Some who i thought were my ride or dies really aren't. But I do have good friends. But lets be real. They have their kids, husbands, jobs, families. They give the support a partner gives to their partners. WOuld they be there for me in an emergency? Absolutely. But we know partners are your partner.
Yes, friends are not your life partner. They absolutely would be there in an emergency. It’s that daily feedback of a loving partner that is absent.
Feedback, encouragement. In truth a person requires so very little of that to fill them up. A kind word, or gesture. The world wears a mask, folks adorn themselves with their facade and go about their day. For one in depression, it’s like no one understands or cares. When in truth, most people are just wrapped up in their own lives. And most folks really just don’t know how to display empathy, caring, and kindness.
I also cannot be vulnerable with anyone. Here and MY old IC . That was it. I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with anyone.
Here and IC. That’s it. Really?
Are you vulnerable with yourself?
Are you comfortable being vulnerable with yourself?
Do you reach the bar you set for yourself? How high is it set? Is it achievable? Is it superwomen height? Are you ok when you miss the target? Are you ok being vulnerable? Are you open to your own self?
Until you are comfortable being vulnerable with self, you will not be comfortable being vulnerable with others.
In a nutshell, I am depressed. I have been struggling for so long thinking and hoping eventually things will get easier and they don't. I have worked very hard to try to make things easier and better for myself. To no real avail. I work hard, very hard, and i am broke. I lay up at night looking for a solution and right now the only one is to find more ways ot make money. I am stuck here, in this house in this state, with one income for at the very least 3.5 years. I do all the heavy lifting in parenting even though my ex and i get along. I am the problem solver, the motivator, the one on top of her school,her friends, her healthcare, her everything. My ex does none of that. He has no clue in what's going on in her life.
Yes, you are a problem solver. Let’s look at the inputs and “solve” them.
You work hard. And yet are broke.
Write down your finances. All the income sources, and all the expenses. Project the net forward. If the trend is downward, change something. Most likely expenses.
The knowledge and clarity of one’s financial situation is usually quite eye opening. Unrealized expenses that are not very “bang for the buck” worthy oftentimes accumulate in our financial peripheral. One of my examples was my satellite TV subscription of $160/month. Yeah, when six people lived at home it was worthy. With just me, and never actually watching TV, what was I spending two grand a year on?
With organizing and arranging we are not usually as broke as we feel. Again, if things are indeed dire, we have knowledge to make changes that will truly affect the situation.
“I am the problem solver, the motivator, the one on top of her school,her friends, her healthcare, her everything.” I hear you. And that’s a lot of stress and responsibility.
G, your daughter is a teenager. She needs to “start” being on top of her own school, friends, and life. I’m not saying you just drop the reins; no, that actually doesn’t ever happen, for you love and care about your child. It’s encouraging them to grow and become adults.
That growth is awesome to witness and at the same time depressing. Our kids grow up. Which mean we grew old. That wonderful balance of the last decade, life’s equilibrium, is getting shifted. There is a loss occurring. And a gain is occurring. Depression is pretty normal as one’s kids become adolescent/adults.
I do feel for you. Foggy, overwhelmed. Do take some time for you.
D
Sending well-wishes for the badass Ginger, likely in the middle of a big cleaning push.
(((G)))
I'm sorry you are so down and depressed. It makes my heart hurt that you say the only place you can feel vulnerable is with IC and here. Being vulnerable is so very hard when you are a tough chick and you, my friend, are definitely a tough one. I wonder if being vulnerable with others is difficult for you, not because you don't have people you can do it with, but you don't want to do it because you somehow don't want those people to think you are less than. For me, personally, what you said about your dad really stood out. He wants you to tell him everything but then when you do, he invalidates. Is that a fear that you have in being vulnerable with others...that they will invalidate like your dad does? Might be something worth looking into.
You are a great mom and it [censored] that you have to do all the heavy lifting concerning little G, but as kml said, are we shocked that your XH leaves it all to you? Not particularly. You are raising one h3ll of a young lady and she's going to learn the value of hard work from you and what a great gift you are giving her to set her off on the right foot as she careens toward adulthood at break-neck speed.
I know you are broke. It [censored]! Sister, I'm so right there with you it isn't even funny. My birthday is this weekend and we don't even have the money to go out and do anything fun because we just spent $600 getting our propane tank refilled a few weeks ago. Heat or birthday celebration...hmmmmm....that's a no brainer!
Girl, I hear your struggle and I'm just so sorry that I can't do anything to help you. I wish I could. I'm here to listen if you need to talk.
Take care of yourself. Whoever it was who said you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first hit the nail right on the head. Take care of you and let some other stuff go. If little G is having friends over, why are YOU the one up at 5:30 cleaning the house? She isn't 7, she's a teenager. She lives there too and is likely just as responsible, if not more so, for the mess that is there than you are. Stop trying to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and cut yourself some slack. You deserve it!!!!!!!!!
as always some really good feedback , thoughts, and compassion. It's much appreciated.
I am in desperate need for self care, this is absolutely true. D14 has her friend over, I ordered pizza for everyone, gyro salad and I actually ate it in my bed ( I have a strict no eating in bed rule) but I broke it. I am watching the funniest dating show ever. Comedians do commentary on blind dates. It's hilarious. Tormorrow is work from home and complete my training. I could have gotten OT again tomorrow but i have to work sunday, and i don't want to kill myself. I was not in a fog today thankfully. I felt better and functional.
D14 has 3 friends over. one is pretty much family, the other i have met a few times and i really like her, and the other is really sweet too. She has really good friends, very respectful. I get alot of joy seeing my daughter strive in social situations. I think friends and the ability to socialize is one of the most important things in high school. And she is nailing it. She did help me clean a bit last night and this morning I couldn't be up at 5:30am (the dog has also been waking me up 3 times per night) but I told my boss i was coming in 45 min late (didn't tell them why,a nd i only have ot be ready for 9am huddle which is easy for me) and i cleaned. ANd i felt much better.
I haven't heard from date guy. I knew I wouldn't. I would have done a second date, but it seems he would rather ghost and that's fine. Like LH's experience, chemistry and sparks is usually expected on a first date. We didn't have that. Not upset it about it.
Yes, my financial struggles are a big part of my depression right now. I find it insane that I have a degree, a professional career, am emplyed full time plus and i barely make ends meet. That I think is the part that makes me so depressed. I would be in great shape in any other state, or with the income of a partner. But not as a single mom in my area. It saddens me. My divorce was long ago, and i have dealt with it, but truth be told, it will have ever lasting effects, and one is financially. I am stuck here until she is 18, I would have been gone long ago. ANd as we had a huge new financial responsibility (our child) he decided to leave me with managing that basically on my own. I get $88 week in child support. That's nothing. And she won't ask him for anything. Only me. Even when she is at his house she will call me if she wants or needs something I do honestly sometimes say "ask your father".
I have absolutely thought about selling my house and renting. I did the research on it. Guess what. Rent has shot up and it's as much as my mortgage. It's not worth uprooting us before I am going ot uproot again when she graduates. If it's not going to give me enough room to breathe, I might as well just hold out.
I really don't even do anything nice for myself.I don't get my hair done. My daughter dyes my grays out of a box. I get my nails done for $50 once every 3 weeks (mani and pedi) I am a bargain shopper. I buy my clothes on amazon and target. On sale. I have no designer bags or shoes. My biggest expenditure is eating out a few times per month, which I drastically reduced. I have been saving for 6 months to do my eye brow microblading. $500. I saved it. ANd i feel guilty doing it. But I am going to. I reworked all my bills. Got rid of subscriptions. I just bought 2 for $20 sunglasses.
Friends and vulnerability:
Alot of my close friends are coworkers. I confide in one a bit. We got pretty close. We share a tiny office for 8 hours a day. She is 29. I am 41. But we are actually really good supports to eachother. Other than that, I am the friend everyone else comes to with their problems, People see me as funny G. Upbeat. (shocking, right?). ANd the ironic thing is everyone will lay their feelings and problems and issues right out for me and seek me out for advice. But i can't seem to do i back.
And I imagine that is my issue in my past relationships. 2 men I really really cared about both said " something is missing". ANd I realize it might be my vulnerability. It's not there. I am scared to scare anyone away (friends and romantic) that i hold back. ANd I showed an oucne of vulnerability with M the week before he broke up with me. I was having a bad few days, a bunch of small stuff that piled up. I shared it with him. He invalidated me by saying "that's it?" I then communicated ot him that sometimes i have a rough time and while it might not be big drama with the father of my child (he always was venting about his baby mama drama), my experiences are real too and I could use an ear to listen as well. 3 days later he broke up with me. I keep my emotions and struggles ot myself. I did that growing up to, because i didn't want anyone to find out about my home life.
Man, am I long winded lately. But today was a better day, Thank you.
M was a jerk - he did you a favor.
My kids do the same thing G. If they need something, even if they are at dad’s, they call me. He seems to have them convinced he can’t afford anything extra and that he is really stressed most of the time (some things never change) so they loathe to make him uncomfortable or put out in any way so it’s just easier to call mom. We the 50/50 custody though so there is no child support. We do, however, have an agreement that we split any extraordinary child expenses at the end of each month. Currently that is RESP’s, cell phone any extra sports fees. On occasion, an expensive pair of shoes. Does the child support he pays cover extra expenses? I know the child support that XH used to pay his daughter’s mom did not so we were always paying little extras here and there. Little G is a teenager now. Expenses are greater in a lot of ways. Maybe the child support payments can be increased to reflect that?
Ginger1,
Sorry about the financial finances. That must be difficult.
I'm wondering...have you spoken with ExH about it? Not your personal situation, but in regards to your daughter and child support. $88/week isn't much. I pay many times that even though we have 50/50. Considering ExH & OW seem to want to be friends and a happy family playing Mario Kart together, I wonder if he (or they) might be open to providing more or even just picking up some expenses he's not already covering (cell phone, extracurricular activity...whatever). Or, perhaps I'm completely off base and ExH would balk or throw a fit.
Good Morning Ginger
You are absolutely correct that rent is just as much, or in some cases more than a mortgage.
Yes, my financial struggles are a big part of my depression right now. I find it insane that I have a degree, a professional career, am emplyed full time plus and i barely make ends meet. That I think is the part that makes me so depressed. I would be in great shape in any other state, or with the income of a partner. But not as a single mom in my area. It saddens me.
Yes finances are a big stressor in life. As gently and encouraging as I can:
You are making ends meet. Even if it is only barely. That is something to be proud of. Good for you!
Everyday, you provide food, shelter, entertainment, life. Everyday you grow equity in your house. That is progress.
Ok, so not the great shape you’d like to have right now. That’s alright. You have constraints which you, being a responsible gal, are meeting. Three and a half years, and things can change. I think you are doing excellent, by the way.
I really don't even do anything nice for myself.
(((Hug)))
Please change that.
Do something nice for you!
Fulfilling, affirming, rejuvenating, invigorating, relaxing, soothing, uplifting, good for the soul - nice for myself doesn’t need to equate to cost.
Friends and vulnerability:
Alot of my close friends are coworkers. I confide in one a bit. We got pretty close. We share a tiny office for 8 hours a day. She is 29. I am 41. But we are actually really good supports to eachother. Other than that, I am the friend everyone else comes to with their problems, People see me as funny G. Upbeat. (shocking, right?). ANd the ironic thing is everyone will lay their feelings and problems and issues right out for me and seek me out for advice. But i can't seem to do it back.
Showing our vulnerability, that soft underbelly, is oftentimes felt as a weakness. Especially if it was to those who seek you out for their problems. That is our perceptions of what we feel would be the case. Thing is, displaying your own vulnerability makes you even more approachable and sought after.
People seek you out due to their respect of you and your life. Respect fosters trust. Just look at the trust demonstrated with folks laying it all out before you. People approach because you listen and hear them. I suspect you aren’t telling people what to do, and how to live their lives. You more encourage and help them find their answers; answers that are already within.
But i can't won’t seem to do it back.
Can’t, will ensure you don’t. Won’t, makes it your choice.
“Won’t” is the first step. Realizing that. Imagining you can. That’s half the battle. After that, you just got to walk the path. And you know how to do that, for you display it here.
I am scared to scare anyone away (friends and romantic) that i hold back.
Opening up, being vulnerable, is scary. One risks themselves. It is safer behind walls.
To me it looks like your life experiences and home life when young have crafted a very real connection between vulnerable and fear. You my dear Ginger
can uncouple that. You are a smart, professional, full time working, single Mom who is raising a wonderful daughter. You have a good head on your shoulders, and a loving heart in you chest. You really should display that more often. You have a wonderful light about you. Open up, let it shine.
By the way, that is a very nice thing for yourself. Most fulfilling.
Have a great day.
D
BL- I haven’t spoken with him about it. We might be able to play nice together, but he is incredibly stingy. If we split an expense it’s literally down to the penny. If we take our daughter out to eat for a special occasion, he makes sure to split that bill right down the middle. He has never given so much as an extra penny to me. He’s cheap AF. So he will not do anything out of the generosity of his own heart.
D- I am going to work on becoming more vulnerable. I am someone who used to wear their heart on their sleeve, but not even . I would tell you how I feel about something outside of me, but not inside of me, if that makes any sense. When I have gotten close to being vulnerable to any romantic partner, I’ve been dismissed. I am going to try to do more for myself , my mental and physical health. I do make it to the gym 3-4 times a week even with my crazy schedule. Booking a massage Friday or Monday. It’s something . And thank you. Thank you for your kind words.
The guy I went out with last Wednesday actually texted me Saturday. We chatted for a while. No mention of another date, although a comment about how he was scanning pictures ( his mother very recently died and he’s going through her stuff) and he said “good, because I have 1000’!” Then nothing after Saturday. It’s kind of weird. I’m just going to leave it alone.
I’ve been chatting with a new guy. Found me on FB dating which I also don’t know how to turn off, so I can’t help but look. It’s been a very different experience. Lots of chat/text, not one inappropriate thing said. He seems to think I am the cat’s meow, lol. I think he is very shy though and doesn’t date much, and it may take him a while to actually ask for a date. I am ver attracted to his his pictures. He lives about 20 min away and has a really good job and does not live with his parents, his daughters are 19 and 20 and away at school. No clue where this will go.
I’ve been wanting to take a mental health day at work , but if I do , I risk losing OT. I like my OT. I might do it this week though since it’s out of last weeks pay period . I don’t have any OT until the 26th which is in next pay period. So I might call out Thursday and have a “me” day
My dad is paying for kitchen counters and backsplash to be done which I am very grateful for. It’s the last thing that needs to be done in my hkme and will increase the value and look really nice. I have a coworkers husband who is doing the backsplash and he’s only charging me on days labor. I’m going to go shopping on my day off for tiles. And another day off for the counters .there is a warehouse my cousin used where it’s nearly at cost.
I’m also going to paint a piece of furniture in my living room that needs some major updating. Some projects to keep my occupied because I stopped eating and drinking alcohol after dinner. I have to keep busy!
Hello G
I would tell you how I feel about something outside of me, but not inside of me, if that makes any sense.
Thank you for sharing that.
When I have gotten close to being vulnerable to any romantic partner, I’ve been dismissed.
I am sorry. You must feel such a need to protect yourself after such experience.
I am interested in your meaning of outside of me feelings vs inside of me feelings. If you don’t mind exploring that with me.
I am thinking it’s like how we protect our heart, our deep self after such hurtful experiences. You share and discuss surface emotions, which are real and valid, yet hold back from the deeper belief-based part of who you are.
I find, “feelings inside of me” falls into the convictions and belief category. They are most definitely meaningful emotions; and they are serious thoughts; and something else, something more. A faith, a direction, a purpose. The very tenets that strengthen a relationship or bond. I suspect a life long friend and you understand each other pretty well. Similar values and beliefs are what make a life long friendship so lasting.
If I may - and you can probably see how vulnerable and open I am being, how easy it would be for you to dismiss what I say - If I may, do forgo the surface telling of how you feel outside of yourself, and lead with your inner convictions.
Many good things happen when one speaks of their values. Of primary importance - you are listening. You reinforce and encourage yourself and your values.
You inspire those around you.
You gain likeminded fellowship; kindred spirits of similar deeply held views.
The very act of being open, leading with yourself, produces something truly amazing. Being vulnerable not only encourages empathetic response, it provides you a strength of conviction. Believing in yourself is an incredible armour. It’s an odd and highly counterintuitive place - vulnerable and assured. I’ve found the strongest place to stand is with one foot on each side.
Vulnerable is being open to potentially hurtful dismissive words and/or behaviour. Vulnerable is also being open to the greatness and joy life has to offer. If one walls up their heart from the hurt, they unintentional walled themselves up from the goodness.
You don’t be vulnerable to get hurt. You be vulnerable to be strong and full of joy and life.
I seemed to have got rambling a bit. My apologizes. This is not my thread and I should not be lecturing. Please, let me know your view. I am most interested.
D
BL- I haven’t spoken with him about it. We might be able to play nice together, but he is incredibly stingy. If we split an expense it’s literally down to the penny. If we take our daughter out to eat for a special occasion, he makes sure to split that bill right down the middle. He has never given so much as an extra penny to me. He’s cheap AF. So he will not do anything out of the generosity of his own heart.
D- I am going to work on becoming more vulnerable. I am someone who used to wear their heart on their sleeve, but not even . I would tell you how I feel about something outside of me, but not inside of me, if that makes any sense. When I have gotten close to being vulnerable to any romantic partner, I’ve been dismissed. I am going to try to do more for myself , my mental and physical health. I do make it to the gym 3-4 times a week even with my crazy schedule. Booking a massage Friday or Monday. It’s something . And thank you. Thank you for your kind words.
The guy I went out with last Wednesday actually texted me Saturday. We chatted for a while. No mention of another date, although a comment about how he was scanning pictures ( his mother very recently died and he’s going through her stuff) and he said “good, because I have 1000’!” Then nothing after Saturday. It’s kind of weird. I’m just going to leave it alone.
I’ve been chatting with a new guy. Found me on FB dating which I also don’t know how to turn off, so I can’t help but look. It’s been a very different experience. Lots of chat/text, not one inappropriate thing said. He seems to think I am the cat’s meow, lol. I think he is very shy though and doesn’t date much, and it may take him a while to actually ask for a date. I am ver attracted to his his pictures. He lives about 20 min away and has a really good job and does not live with his parents, his daughters are 19 and 20 and away at school. No clue where this will go.
I’ve been wanting to take a mental health day at work , but if I do , I risk losing OT. I like my OT. I might do it this week though since it’s out of last weeks pay period . I don’t have any OT until the 26th which is in next pay period. So I might call out Thursday and have a “me” day
My dad is paying for kitchen counters and backsplash to be done which I am very grateful for. It’s the last thing that needs to be done in my hkme and will increase the value and look really nice. I have a coworkers husband who is doing the backsplash and he’s only charging me on days labor. I’m going to go shopping on my day off for tiles. And another day off for the counters .there is a warehouse my cousin used where it’s nearly at cost.
I’m also going to paint a piece of furniture in my living room that needs some major updating. Some projects to keep my occupied because I stopped eating and drinking alcohol after dinner. I have to keep busy!
Ah the old I don’t know how to shut it off excuse. What does Einstein say about the definition of insanity? Is shy and timid your taste in men?
BL- I haven’t spoken with him about it. We might be able to play nice together, but he is incredibly stingy. If we split an expense it’s literally down to the penny. If we take our daughter out to eat for a special occasion, he makes sure to split that bill right down the middle. He has never given so much as an extra penny to me. He’s cheap AF. So he will not do anything out of the generosity of his own heart.
That's a shame. Seems fair that if you're caring for your (his!) daughter a majority of the time he'd chip in more than $88/week. That must be tough.
I’ve been chatting with a new guy. Found me on FB dating which I also don’t know how to turn off, so I can’t help but look. It’s been a very different experience. Lots of chat/text, not one inappropriate thing said. He seems to think I am the cat’s meow, lol. I think he is very shy though and doesn’t date much, and it may take him a while to actually ask for a date. I am ver attracted to his his pictures. He lives about 20 min away and has a really good job and does not live with his parents, his daughters are 19 and 20 and away at school. No clue where this will go.
Could you make the first move and ask him out? I'm new to the post-D dating scene, so maybe that's not the socially acceptable move, but if he thinks you're the cat's meow" and you're "very attracted" to his pictures, what's the hold up?
I hadn't heard of FB dating...thoughts? Curious from the female perspective your preferred OLD apps?
My dad is paying for kitchen counters and backsplash to be done which I am very grateful for. It’s the last thing that needs to be done in my hkme and will increase the value and look really nice. I have a coworkers husband who is doing the backsplash and he’s only charging me on days labor. I’m going to go shopping on my day off for tiles. And another day off for the counters .there is a warehouse my cousin used where it’s nearly at cost.
Good luck w/the house projects!
FaceBook Dating is accessed with the FB phone app. It’s free and is pretty easy to fill out. I’ve chatted with a few people on there but not gone out with anyone. It has a funny feature where you can indicate you have a crush on one of you FB friends. If you check it off, it sends your secret crush a message that someone likes them but doesn’t reveal the identity of that person unless they sign on to FB dating and indicate a secret crush on you. At least that is how I understand it works. I haven’t used that feature. It will also tell you if you have any mutual friends with profiles that you see. Definitely a low pressure app for the person who isn’t sure they want to wade into the deep end of OLD.
G… I agree with BL. You should just ask the guy out. Doesn’t have to be anything formal. It could be as simple as, “I have to take my dog for a walk tomorrow afternoon. Wanna come along?” If he can’t, he may just take that as an opportunity to say, “I can’t tomorrow but how about next week?” I find middle aged guys are a lot less sure of themselves than one would think and just need a little bit of encouragement to get the ball rolling. Hope you get to meet him IRL soon!!!
I have actually initiated the first date many times. I have already said “ I’m really looking forward to meeting you”. I just don’t want to do anymore than that. When abs if he is ready, he knows I’m interested in meeting him. He will pull the trigger or he won’t.
I have been for quick meetings thinking that is the best. But I also realize I haven’t connected with any of these guys prior so there wasn’t anything to feed off of when we met and it was nearly totally blind. I think it’s better to build a little something before hand.
I went out with a coworker last night who is in her late 50’s and single. She raised her 2 sons with barely any help from her ex husband. She has dated a lot. She had some relationships. But she is pretty single. And she is very active and attractive and fun . She puts herself out there all the time. She will dive out by herself every night , sit at the bar and have a drink. She confessed to me that at the end of the day it makes her sad that she doesn’t have the one she can count on. I completely feel her and I actually did become vulnerable with her. I realize it is hard for me to share my struggles with those who never lived them. It’s easier with someone who has.
I was off today and I didn’t want to be productive. I didn’t want to do anything. I took a huge nap in the middle of the day and it was glorious. I did end up going to Costco eventually and I didn’t even cook. I picked up chik fil A for her and cava for me . And I don’t regret it.
Tomorrow the counter people are coming to measure and give an estimate. School has been cancelled …grrrrr…… and we will both be home, but she’s with her dad this weekend. Im going to go shopping for my back splash, and get ready for a weekend if 10 hour days of work. Yay.
I gotta say, I like the way my paycheck looked today. But I just can’t sustain this for the long run
Wow. Your friend is so brave. Not sure I could sit at a bar by myself and have a drink. I’ve done dinner on my own but I would feel like I was giving out the wrong vibe at a bar solo. Has she met anyone interesting that way?
I agree with you on letting something build first. I don’t like to wait too long to meet someone but you are right, if you meet them right away, it can feel like a very blind date and you really have no idea who you are meeting. I texted casually with Jack for at least six weeks before we met. I think if I hadn’t done that, he is so quiet when you meet him that I likely would not have gone out with him a second time. But I knew he was pretty witty and fun so it worked out…at least as well as it was meant to.
Anyway…hopefully he pulls the trigger soon and asks you out. Regardless…sounds like you are keeping yourself busy and also taking some time to relax when you need to. Hope your ten hour days aren’t too painful. (((HUGS)))
Wow. Your friend is so brave. Not sure I could sit at a bar by myself and have a drink. I’ve done dinner on my own but I would feel like I was giving out the wrong vibe at a bar solo.
That’s exactly the vibe I was getting. Now this friend could be very nice and normal but right or wrong there’s a stereotype of the type of woman that goes and sits at a bar by herself. Maybe that says more about me than her but I hear you Deja I got an immediate uneasy feeling reading she does that. Now occasionally while traveling or something, yeah I get it. But, well I’ve made the point.
Now asking the guy out - it doesn’t happen very often but I am totally flattered when it does and am likeky to accept even if I was not considering asking her out. I’d figure anyone doing that deserves at least a chance. If you ask him out, even very casually he is very likely to accept.
Don let’s just remember all the work G did around NOT doing all the work in a relationship. She’s already made it very clear she’s looking forward to meeting him, if he’s not interested enough/ brave enough to walk through that door once she’s opened it wide then he might not be the one for her.
Don let’s just remember all the work G did around NOT doing all the work in a relationship. She’s already made it very clear she’s looking forward to meeting him, if he’s not interested enough/ brave enough to walk through that door once she’s opened it wide then he might not be the one for her.
Exactly this. This is why I’m not asking him out. I always do all the work. I don’t want to anymore! I did open the door. Ball is in his court right now. I’m patient to see what he does with it.
My friend who sits at bars herself……. It’s usually after work dinner and a drink for herself. She’s made friends with most of the bartenders. She usually always sees a friend she knows there. Men sit there all the time alone and have a drink and dinner, why can’t women? I’ve done it a few times before. After work on a Friday I was hungry and thirsty sans child. It’s not my favorite thing to do though.
Another coworker invited me to this singles night ax throwing. I’ve only ever been to that place in a date. 3-4 of us single ladies from work are going to go. Should be fun !
I don’t at all disagree. OTOH sone guys need to be kick started before they can run full blast. All I’m saying is it’s possible if you just suggest meeting he may pick up the ball and run with it full blast. Of course he may not in which case I’m back to totally agreeing you should pass him by. Taking one little step is not going all the work. It’s just something to consider. Don’t overcorrect too far. Don’t go from doing too much in an R to doing too little. Not saying you are just saying not to.
2 out of the 3 men i have loved in my life told me they loved me on valentines day. one was my ex who took TWO WHOLE YEARS to say it. and he said his first i love you in the valentines card he gave me. the other also said those words foe the first time in the valentines card he gave me.
the other guy i loved pretended like valentines day didnt exist when we were on vacation with our kids. we got in a big fight that night. i knew our relationship was over. on my last valentines day with ex, i knew it was over too. a month and a day later he left me. i eventually found the phine call on our bill to her that night when we took 2 separate cars home after out awkward date ( i picked up our 5 month old D)
this is a stupid commercial holiday. bit unfortunately, the beginnings to love and the end to loves happened on this day.
anyways i took the kid to the orthodontist. we got pedicures and she was pretty talkative with me today. so it was a good day.
i also got my eyebrow microblading done yesterday. i did something special for me. that person became my new best friend and we are going to hang out, lol, and she has a guy she wants to hook me up with.
oh and yeah. that last guy ghosted me. had an off feeling about him and of course, my gut is always right
I think you and I might be the same in this regard, G - I realize I never made my ex step up to the plate in regards to Valentine's day. I accepted too little, even in the years when things were good between us.
The only person who really made an effort on Valentine's day for me was crazy ex-BF, who snuck into my bedroom in the middle of the night and left the room full of helium balloons. It was a sweet gesture, ruined later by finding out he did the same for the other woman he was seeing on the side at the same time that I didn't know anything about lol.
I'm not saying guys have to read our minds , or spend a fortune. But if the relationship is serious, they should make an effort. I'm thinking of some friends of mine - a couple in their 40's, they have a local punk rock band that they play in together (plus real day jobs). They've been married for a long time, at least 15 years I'd say. Geeky techie types. He always does sweet things for her for Valentine's and for their anniversary. This year she posted a picture of the helium balloons, silly stuffed animal, roses and girl scout cookies he got her. It's never JUST the standard stuff - although the balloons, flowers and stuffed animal are pretty standard - but then adds something that shows he really knows what she likes, like in this case the cookies. He'll buy her favorite candies, movies he knows she likes - simple stuff but I'm always impressed that he's thoughtful and giving her what he knows SHE wants.
You deserve a man who doesn't begrudgingly finally say the L word because it's Valentine's day after 2 years. You deserve a man who wants to woo you, who thinks you're special, and who puts some thought and effort into making you feel special. I hope that comes to you. But I think you, (like I should have done) , need to set a higher bar.
Ginger1,
2 out of the 3 men i have loved in my life told me they loved me on valentines day. one was my ex who took TWO WHOLE YEARS to say it. and he said his first i love you in the valentines card he gave me. the other also said those words foe the first time in the valentines card he gave me.
You deserve a man who doesn't begrudgingly finally say the L word because it's Valentine's day after 2 years. You deserve a man who wants to woo you, who thinks you're special, and who puts some thought and effort into making you feel special. I hope that comes to you. But I think you, (like I should have done) , need to set a higher bar.
I completely agree w/kml. It shouldn't have to be forced after two years due to a calendar holiday. You deserve better.
anyways i took the kid to the orthodontist. we got pedicures and she was pretty talkative with me today. so it was a good day.
So nice when our kids open up, isn't it? Even though mine are younger I love when they go into the details about something that excited them at school as opposed to "nothing!".
oh and yeah. that last guy ghosted me. had an off feeling about him and of course, my gut is always right
Sorry he ghosted you. That must be frustrating. Completely agree with the gut being right though...so often we can sense these things.
The only person who really made an effort on Valentine's day for me was crazy ex-BF, who snuck into my bedroom in the middle of the night and left the room full of helium balloons. It was a sweet gesture, ruined later by finding out he did the same for the other woman he was seeing on the side at the same time that I didn't know anything about lol.
"Snuck into my bedroom in the middle of the night". They say the difference between romance and stalking is the other person's perspective! Haha
Smooth move though...I'll keep that in mind for the future, though with just one woman not two LOL
It's never JUST the standard stuff - although the balloons, flowers and stuffed animal are pretty standard - but then adds something that shows he really knows what she likes, like in this case the cookies. He'll buy her favorite candies, movies he knows she likes - simple stuff but I'm always impressed that he's thoughtful and giving her what he knows SHE wants.
This is great. I'm not one for doing boiler plate gifts just to get "something" for a forced occasion, but love gifting when I come up with a really unique special idea for a person.
The only person who really made an effort on Valentine's day for me was crazy ex-BF, who snuck into my bedroom in the middle of the night and left the room full of helium balloons. It was a sweet gesture, ruined later by finding out he did the same for the other woman he was seeing on the side at the same time that I didn't know anything about lol.
This is interesting. People crave romance but the actions that trigger feelings of romance are not necessarily indicators that the other person is a good long term partner. If Ginger’s ex-boyfriend had gamed her and dishonestly said he loves her, all would have been well in the short term. He could go on that way till he decided he was done with the relationship, which is possibly what the other two did also. Sure, it is absolutely weird to pretend it is not Valentine’s Day and she is better off without him. However, it shows how much pressure there was on him (which he mishandled) and how important game is for a guy in the business of romance.
Sadly many good guys don’t like to game the situation. This leads to them turning off the woman who then rejects him and continues her search hoping she can find a long term partner exactly like him
Is it "gaming the situation" to express your love to your partner? To show them that you value them? I think not.
That being said, given the Five Love Languages, one might be wise to figure out your partner's love languages before deciding what to do for them for Valentine's Day. The time I filled my husband's car with red construction paper hearts for him to find when he left for work was probably a gigantic waste of time, since his love languages (I later deduced) were quality time and gifts. An expensive titanium ice ax would have been a better move (although not in our budget that year!).
Among the best gifts I ever got (not Valentine's day) were from a college boyfriend. He was a very poor graduate student (didn't even have a car, which in Southern California was a real handicap at the time). But when we first met and he found out it was my birthday (I was volunteering in the recycling center near his lab) he came back and brought me a nice pottery honey jar from his office. Later when he would come to see me he would bring me flowers he picked on the walk from the bus stop. It was the thoughtfullness that got me. Sigh. He's still the one that got away.
as always, good discussion.
valentines day is a holiday i never really liked. it was always just full of pressure. i never wanted or needed anything on that day. i just hate that these events in my life now all have to attached to a date that is shoved in your face every year.
my exH was a big holiday person. he went all out on holidays. the disturbing thing is that it took him 2 freakin’ years to say ILU. but we all know that was a total hot mess from beginning to end. i knew our marriage was over when he didnt seem pleased i arranged for a babysitter so we could go out to dinner and he got me a “friendly” type card and a pair of cotton underwear, lol. i got him a giftcard for a massage.
With M, it was low key, i cooked dinner and he got me a card and flowers and the card was very sweet. and it said “love you” in there . i believe he meant it. but now im tied to that moment and that day.
gifts are not my love language. probably on the bottom of the list.
most guys i dated, including my ex, would not commit. took forever for my ex to even call me his GF. another guy i dated closey couldn't call what we had a “relationship” freaked out kn me when i posted a picture of us on that vacation. made me delete it. was worried about who would see it. these experiences kept me from getting close to men. i wouldnt dream of posting or saying anything unless they took the lead.
i dream of a guy who choses to love me every moment of every day, even when im unlovable. who is
proud to call me their girlfriend.
maybe i live in a fantasy land. unfortunately the more time that passed and the older i get, the more impossible it seems. and the more guarded i get. my trust my hope, my vulnerability. its almost gone.
stinks. but i have prepared myself for the life of just me and my dog
Is it "gaming the situation" to express your love to your partner? To show them that you value them? I think not.
That being said, given the Five Love Languages, one might be wise to figure out your partner's love languages before deciding what to do for them for Valentine's Day. The time I filled my husband's car with red construction paper hearts for him to find when he left for work was probably a gigantic waste of time, since his love languages (I later deduced) were quality time and gifts. An expensive titanium ice ax would have been a better move (although not in our budget that year!).
Among the best gifts I ever got (not Valentine's day) were from a college boyfriend. He was a very poor graduate student (didn't even have a car, which in Southern California was a real handicap at the time). But when we first met and he found out it was my birthday (I was volunteering in the recycling center near his lab) he came back and brought me a nice pottery honey jar from his office. Later when he would come to see me he would bring me flowers he picked on the walk from the bus stop. It was the thoughtfullness that got me. Sigh. He's still the one that got away.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think MLC was saying it is gaming to express love for a partner. I actually agree with most of what MLC said, though I would have phrased it differently. Does it really blow chunks that dudes strung G along and then only said I love you on Valentine's Day because it is somehow expected? Yes! She deserves better! Sadly though, I think many of us walk this fine line where we say Valentine's Day is so commercial and our partners should express love always, not just on some expected day because the calendar tells them too, but those same ones of us are the first to get hurt or complain when the partner lets the day go by unnoticed, with minimal effort, or with "common" expressions like flowers and candy. Now, I'm not saying G did anything wrong in her situation. She had guys that were @$$hats. To MLC's point, though, if her XH or boyfriend had been gaming her and said I love you earlier just because she wanted to hear it, is that really any different than being expected to say it on Valentine's Day?
Sparky and I celebrated Valentine's Day over the weekend. We had a fun outing. Sunday he cooked me a delicious meal and we watched a romantic comedy. Last night, we had no plans to celebrate, but last minute, we got off work at the same time so went to a local restaurant for supper before heading home. I had a small present for him that is something he can use for work....no candy or huge expressions of love. He didn't have anything for me and I truly didn't expect him to because we'd already celebrated over the weekend and we'd spent money on things we both wanted. I only had a present for him because it was something I had ordered that I knew he needed for work and it happened to arrive Friday. But here's the REAL romance in our life to me. I had not slept well Sunday night into Monday morning. In fact, I was awake from midnight until nearly 5:00 am, so all night, basically. So, last night, after we got home from our impromptu supper date (I was starving and had not eaten lunch at work because I was super busy, so I wanted to eat in town so I didn't have to wait until I got home and cook something....I was hangry! LOL), we chatted about our days, plans for the week, etc. Then, knowing that I had not slept the night before and was tired and a little down, he suggested we go to bed early and just watch tv or read or whatever. I knew if I tried to read I would be out pretty quick, so I said tv was fine. (Yes, we watch a lot of tv...it is what it is.) That precious man, sat there and let me curl up with my head in his lap, he tucked me in good with my sable soft blanket that he bought me for my birthday 2 years ago (a GREAT gift because I love me some cozy blankets), and he rubbed my back until I fell asleep and then just sat and watched tv for awhile and continued rubbing my back even after I was out just to make sure I stayed asleep and was getting some rest. Now, THAT, my friends, is the romance I'm looking for. I love getting cut flowers (yes, I said it and I'm so tired of everyone who acts like you are somehow dooming the planet if you like cut flowers) and candy (I'm a fat girl...duh!) and cards are always a treasure, but a man who will just BE in the moment with you and relax and take care of you.....THAT is romance. It doesn't have to be all wine and roses, which again, is the point that I interpreted from MLC's comments. It is the little things for me. The first year we were together, Sparky bought me a rather expensive Kurt Adler nutcracker for Christmas. He has quietly and without my saying anything beyond expressing my gratitude for the gifts and admiring how unique they are, bought me a different and unusual nutcracker for Christmas every year since. The first one was unique to us in that it featured a prominent "character" that plays into an inside joke we share that always makes us both laugh. This year's addition to the collection was from the local dollar store, but Sparky spent time looking at them and shopping at several places before he settled on that one for very specific reasons. Might not seem like much to some, but means the world to me. As far as cut flowers, I didn't get any for Valentine's day, but I get them on random days of the week just because Sparky went in a store and saw some and thought of me. He's definitely a keeper!
Sorry for the long hijack, but G, I'm so sorry you have had crappy Valentine's Day experiences. I hope you have the one you deserve at some point.
The older i get, the more impossible it seems. and the more guarded i get. my trust my hope, my vulnerability. its almost gone.
YBy doing this you last the a$$hats win.
stinks. but i have prepared myself for the life of just me and my dog
Well it does beat crazy cat lady.
Dang G reading this makes me feel so bad for you - not sorry for you like in a pity way, but just bad for you. I’d almost say my heart breaks for you and that doesn’t happen often. You obviously can’t go back, what’s done is done but clearly you let these guys get away with so much! Your ex, omg it boggles the mind why you’d even marry him. Two years to say ILY? Now clearly that’s better than two months or the two weeks it takes some to think they are in love, but just the other end of the spectrum. Then the guy who wrote “love you” that barely counts. It’s a way to say it without committing. I’ve done it! When I more than like the person but am not in love I’ve used “luv you” and yes spelled that way. Saying or writing I love you is the real deal. And anyone who avoids it being Valentine’s Day is clearly not in it. As BL said he likely felt pressure and didn’t handle it well. I’ve also been there and for me is often when I’m feeling forced or smothered, though I’ve never pretended it was not a holiday mind you. And a guy not wanting to post about vacation? Seriously?
I won’t try to analyze the why’s, if I even could, but you most certainly deserve more and perhaps needed to expect and require it. You seem to be doing that more now. Although that may be a component of this…
unfortunately the more time that passed and the older i get, the more impossible it seems. and the more guarded i get. my trust my hope, my vulnerability. its almost gone.
Very understandable. You are so accomplished at so many things: career, mother, daughter, friend and many more. It’s in the R venue where you struggle. You’re not alone! I’ve met others. In some ways I’m there myself. But just because what happened, happened, does not mean it can’t be different in the future. But that largely comes down to you. The common denominator with all these guys is you. You choose them and you choose to not make them measure up. What and how much the woman cleats and requires effects what the man does. If anything should be carried forward it’s that. Letting the rest go as best as you can is your best choice. Until then I’m really sorry for these past hurts. You really do deserve better. Don’t forget that.
(((Ginger))) Worse than being single is being with the wrong person. There is someone out there for you…he’s just taking the scenic route on his way to meet you. Keep putting yourself out there. Go out with your friends. Have some fun. It will happen eventually. (((Hugs)))
Is it "gaming the situation" to express your love to your partner? To show them that you value them? I think not.
You love your partner and express your love to them - not gaming
You don't love your partner but still "express your love to them" - gaming
Which of these categories do you think the person who filled your room with balloons on Valentine's day falls into?
Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think MLC was saying it is gaming to express love for a partner. I actually agree with most of what MLC said, though I would have phrased it differently. Does it really blow chunks that dudes strung G along and then only said I love you on Valentine's Day because it is somehow expected? Yes! She deserves better! Sadly though, I think many of us walk this fine line where we say Valentine's Day is so commercial and our partners should express love always, not just on some expected day because the calendar tells them too, but those same ones of us are the first to get hurt or complain when the partner lets the day go by unnoticed, with minimal effort, or with "common" expressions like flowers and candy. Now, I'm not saying G did anything wrong in her situation. She had guys that were @$$hats. To MLC's point, though, if her XH or boyfriend had been gaming her and said I love you earlier just because she wanted to hear it, is that really any different than being expected to say it on Valentine's Day?
Sparky and I celebrated Valentine's Day over the weekend. We had a fun outing. Sunday he cooked me a delicious meal and we watched a romantic comedy. Last night, we had no plans to celebrate, but last minute, we got off work at the same time so went to a local restaurant for supper before heading home. I had a small present for him that is something he can use for work....no candy or huge expressions of love. He didn't have anything for me and I truly didn't expect him to because we'd already celebrated over the weekend and we'd spent money on things we both wanted. I only had a present for him because it was something I had ordered that I knew he needed for work and it happened to arrive Friday. But here's the REAL romance in our life to me. I had not slept well Sunday night into Monday morning. In fact, I was awake from midnight until nearly 5:00 am, so all night, basically. So, last night, after we got home from our impromptu supper date (I was starving and had not eaten lunch at work because I was super busy, so I wanted to eat in town so I didn't have to wait until I got home and cook something....I was hangry! LOL), we chatted about our days, plans for the week, etc. Then, knowing that I had not slept the night before and was tired and a little down, he suggested we go to bed early and just watch tv or read or whatever. I knew if I tried to read I would be out pretty quick, so I said tv was fine. (Yes, we watch a lot of tv...it is what it is.) That precious man, sat there and let me curl up with my head in his lap, he tucked me in good with my sable soft blanket that he bought me for my birthday 2 years ago (a GREAT gift because I love me some cozy blankets), and he rubbed my back until I fell asleep and then just sat and watched tv for awhile and continued rubbing my back even after I was out just to make sure I stayed asleep and was getting some rest. Now, THAT, my friends, is the romance I'm looking for. I love getting cut flowers (yes, I said it and I'm so tired of everyone who acts like you are somehow dooming the planet if you like cut flowers) and candy (I'm a fat girl...duh!) and cards are always a treasure, but a man who will just BE in the moment with you and relax and take care of you.....THAT is romance. It doesn't have to be all wine and roses, which again, is the point that I interpreted from MLC's comments. It is the little things for me. The first year we were together, Sparky bought me a rather expensive Kurt Adler nutcracker for Christmas. He has quietly and without my saying anything beyond expressing my gratitude for the gifts and admiring how unique they are, bought me a different and unusual nutcracker for Christmas every year since. The first one was unique to us in that it featured a prominent "character" that plays into an inside joke we share that always makes us both laugh. This year's addition to the collection was from the local dollar store, but Sparky spent time looking at them and shopping at several places before he settled on that one for very specific reasons. Might not seem like much to some, but means the world to me. As far as cut flowers, I didn't get any for Valentine's day, but I get them on random days of the week just because Sparky went in a store and saw some and thought of me. He's definitely a keeper!
Sorry for the long hijack, but G, I'm so sorry you have had crappy Valentine's Day experiences. I hope you have the one you deserve at some point.
Well stated, Dawn!
In some ways real romance is your partner accepting you for who you are and doing things that they know will make you happy. They do things for you not because they want to 'work on making the relationship better', but for the simple reason that they are happy to see you happy!
Which of these categories do you think the person who filled your room with balloons on Valentine's day falls into?
Truthfully? As messed up as he was, that gesture was actually genuine - for both of us women! He was actually a caring, generous person who often did nice things for other people without looking for reward. When he wasn't in one of his crazy dysphoric manic episodes. He knew the stories about the crappy Valentine's Days with my ex and decided to do something really nice for me. He just then decided that he'd spread the love around to his other chick as well! But his whole life had been such a mess from not being properly diagnosed and treated for his mental illness, he had developed a lot of dysfunctional ways of surviving. I feel sorry for him, not angry. However I do not want him back in my life, even though he has huge regrets. He's kinda like Kanye with Kim these days, so I'm careful to be a grey rock.
(btw the other woman is a nice person and she had a much tougher time of it because she knew some things about me, while I didn't even know she existed. She also had breast cancer during the time they were together.)
However I do not want him back in my life, even though he has huge regrets. He's kinda like Kanye with Kim these days, so I'm careful to be a grey rock.
He sent you a truck full of roses?
Surprised that public drama hasn't cropped up here sooner. I feel for him in terms of the breakup of his family and W's public affair, but he certainly isn't stopping pressure/pursuit or dropping the rope.
Spread his love around. spit my coffee lol.
He's badly bipolar and seriously putting Pete Davidson's life at risk with his nonsense. I feel bad for Kanye too - he's definitely mentally ill - and I don't really blame him for not wanting to be replaced by Pete Davidson or wanting his kids to be around any brand new boyfriend (6 months is a good rule for a reason). But his public proclamations are dangerous and unsettling. There's a real danger that one of his fans might decide to take Pete Davidson out.
New Thread:
Clearly a glutton for punishment