I am not actually intending to post anymore, at least not at the moment, but I wanted to leave an open thread in case any old friends want to find me over the years.
Sometimes I have wanted to post to old friends with closed threads, even if I don't think they will ever see it, like a cave drawing left for the ages to find.
My last one was --
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=63219&Number=2915110#Post2915110Maybe once in a while I will post an update. Today I will only say this:
The journey you are on is not to save your marriage. I thought that too, I made my marriage an idol and thought if I didn't fix it, I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do. But walking in the light doesn't mean avoiding the darkness. Someone who lives through a war isn't at fault for not always having enough to feed her children. All we can do is lead a life full of light no matter what circumstances come our way. That's the path I am on. And my path is very very difficult, but I am not unhappy. The journey is not to get your marriage back. It's to walk in the light until you get your marriage back or to walk in the light without your marriage back. The marriage is almost irrelevant, and until your spouse thinks the marriage is relevant to who s/he is, you will not get it back anyway. But you can be the person you are meant to be whether or not that happens. Your journey is to discover why you are here on this earth. I believe God created marriage to help us become our best selves. He created some other things to do that as well, and He even uses the awful things we do to each other to help us become our best selves, when we open our hearts and listen and walk a better path and give light and love to others no matter what happened to us. I am a wounded weirdo with many flaws and I made and make many mistakes, but I can see that this is the goal for my life, and I see that it is possible to walk in love even when I fall off that path at times, especially when falling off is because of my own wounds.
I am listening to the book, "What Happened to You?" with Oprah and a neuroscientist who is a child psychiatrist as well. It is life changing and explains so much of why I was drawn to my H to begin with. It has already helped me be a better mom to my kids. I recommend it to anyone reading this!
From the end of "The Snow Queen." I did walk through the door, just not with little Kay. Or perhaps with the real little Kay, I know Someone is walking with me.
“You are a fine fellow to go gadding about in this way,” said she to little Kay, “I should like to know whether you deserve that any one should go to the end of the world to find you.”
But Gerda patted her cheeks, and asked after the prince and princess.
“They are gone to foreign countries,” said the robber-girl.
“And the crow?” asked Gerda.
“Oh, the crow is dead,” she replied; “his tame sweetheart is now a widow, and wears a bit of black worsted round her leg. She mourns very pitifully, but it is all stuff. But now tell me how you managed to get him back.”
Then Gerda and Kay told her all about it.
“Snip, snap, snare! it’s all right at last,” said the robber-girl.
Then she took both their hands, and promised that if ever she should pass through the town, she would call and pay them a visit. And then she rode away into the wide world. But Gerda and Kay went hand-in-hand towards home; and as they advanced, spring appeared more lovely with its green verdure and its beautiful flowers. Very soon they recognized the large town where they lived, and the tall steeples of the churches, in which the sweet bells were ringing a merry peal as they entered it, and found their way to their grandmother’s door. They went upstairs into the little room, where all looked just as it used to do. The old clock was going “tick, tick,” and the hands pointed to the time of day, but as they passed through the door into the room they perceived that they were both grown up, and become a man and woman. The roses out on the roof were in full bloom, and peeped in at the window; and there stood the little chairs, on which they had sat when children; and Kay and Gerda seated themselves each on their own chair, and held each other by the hand, while the cold empty grandeur of the Snow Queen’s palace vanished from their memories like a painful dream.
Hello Gerda
I am glad to see an update from you. Plenty of hard-earned wisdom there.
I’d love to hear how you made out with the cabin.
D
Dear Gerda, so good to hear from you. Looks your are doing quite well.
Just keep posting once in a while. xxx
I was thinking about posting a really short update. It seems so daunting.
My new judge continued to be horrific. H filed another "emergency" contempt motion to get emergency alimony and for me to pay his legal bills. I was supposed to be paying advances on his equity, way back when, when I signed an agreement that was supposed to last 6 months. It has been three years and Covid shut everything down here for a year, so obviously I could not pay the full amount for a while and I finally stopped paying anything a year or so ago as it was clear he was never going to follow through on the rest of the agreement -- allowing me to refinance, do a buy out and be done with everything. Our new judge for whatever reason never read my papers and again found me in contempt and said I had to pay his legal bill! It was such a dark day. My L said that she was in open violation of the law, that she clearly hadn't read our papers, etc. He thought she was trying to bully me into a settlement but there is already a settlement that H won't enact. He was going to appeal but then we got a trial date with a different judge, so he thought we should just make up the loss at trial. This will be my third judge. L said he knows this judge and that he is a fair, smart and reasonable man. Both of my other judges were women, and I am all for women power, but I believe that these two women are trying so hard to show they are not biased toward women that they never really did their job. I had finally started to make headway with Judge 1 when they moved us to Judge 2, but I think she thought she would finally force us into something, I am not sure what. She refused to give me interim child support, refused to make H file accurate tax returns or provide financial info, it was truly weird. But her making me pay for his lawyer was really traumatic for me. It started me on a path though, to realize that my response to everything has been trauma-based. So I have been researching trauma and it is quite eye-opening.
In fact, it did make me think of the many times my dear friend DnJ and I disagreed about detachment and such things. I realized that we were actually talking different languages without realizing it. I was not capable of the responses people talk about here. My body is in a state of panic and terror most of the time, and it's old, it's from childhood. The years with H just reinforced it all, and this four year divorce nightmare was like a revisit to the torture chamber.
I am trying to work on it but I have a feeling that it will be hard to make any headway until the trial is over and I don't have to prepare myself for that attack anymore.
So I'm still the sole provider of the kids, working lots of jobs and trying to start my new life more devoted to art and the house flipping thing. I am actually doing both of those things, not as much as I want or with enough budget/time, but bits and pieces as I try to get loose from H's clutches. I have a lot of moments of joy in between and feel confident about my vision for myself but I am definitely held back by the trauma, by my body keeping the score. So that's what I am working on now.
H is, BTW, on Soulmate Three. He even got her to "save" him by becoming a partner at his restaurant. So she is doing exactly what I did, ensuring he gets his dream because she feels so bad for him being so wronged by others. In my case, I was fixing the wrongs of his parents. I guess she is fixing the wrongs committed by his evil STBXW, Brave Little Gerda. He doesn't even have an apartment anymore, just lives with Soulmate 3 and tells my kids that "Mama is keeping me homeless" though I am only waiting on him to accept the buyout we agreed on and that the court has ordered three times. My son is working there and my D going there, and both constantly saying bad things about him and yet being pulled over there. It's also like Disneyworld in a way, compared to my house. But I notice that they always feel safe here, always want to return, and always trust me to take care of them, none of which are the case with H. It's not that I want them to hate him, not at all, but I do want them to see clearly so that they can protect themselves.
Leaving a lot out but that's all for now. Love to all my friends here and hope you are all well. Job, loved your post. DnJ, congrats on the promotion! Even in retirement, you are getting promoted here on the boards. I owe you updates on the cottage rehab -- like my divorce, it's never ending but almost there.
Good Morning Gerda
It is wonderful to hear from you.
So glad to see your kids happy. You are the safe parent, providing a safe nurturing home for them.
Wow, H is on to soulmate #3. Such a lost soul he is. Foundations of sand require much constant upkeep. Relationships built upon deceitful ways are indeed on shaky ground.
You sound busy. Lots of jobs and yet fitting in some art and house flipping. Oh, and that prolonged divorce. I so hope judge #3 can wrap this up for you. It’s great to hear your confidence in your future and vision; and you enjoying the present.
Thank you for the acknowledgement and congratulation of my new duties. Interesting the series of events that brought that about.
Take care my friend.
D
Hello out there. Probably just to DnJ; you are the only one who ever posts on my thread! I hope you are well up in the frozen north looking out at some clear star night.
I have been struggling a lot mentally/emotionally these past months. My trial is in two weeks. H has been very busy. He filed two motions in the last four months. Judge Two (who made me long for Judge One) ignored the first one so he filed another. This last one he filed about a month before our trial, asking judge to put me in jail.
I've been without child support since H filed in 2018 and obviously had no help before then. I've wasted so much time and money and done everything I could to get free, offered to him on day one the very thing we have a court order to do, but which he won't do. This trial is totally pointless, and all this time has been spent on nothing. I've tried so many times to settle and it's like talking to a wall. Or an alligator? He doesn't want to settle. I just can't figure out what he thinks he can gain from trial. I don't think he understands what is actually possible and imagines that somehow he'll finally get "justice," but the issues actually referred to trial are very few. One of them is that I should have to refile our taxes and not give 1099's for rental income. This is literally on the directions of the 1099's with the IRS. There is nothing to argue about! So there is just not that much that can happen. I think H owes his lawyer about 200K that could have been used for my kids' college education. It's a burnt out wasteland.
I know intellectually that H can't do anything to me. He already did everything. Nothing can really change from this trial. The property is already settled, H just keeps refusing to appraise it so we can do a buy out. The worst outcome is judge giving me only 90 days to refi and giving H credit for some legal bills. The best outcome is giving me 6-12 months to refi and credit for my legal bills. Either way, I have to get child support, it's the law! This is a third judge (referee), and apparently he is much more fair than Judge One and Two. And since it's a trial, the judge will have to actually read all our papers and review the finances and DETERMINE CHILD SUPPORT, all things that I have never had from a judge before. (Also he is a man, and I am convinced my two women judges are the most brutal to women, trying to show they don't favor them.)
Either way once the trial is over, it's kind of unlikely H will keep filing these motions, as he will no longer entertain the insane hope that I will be ordered to cover all his legal bills.
So this is unpleasant and the endless motions make me feel horrible and always under attack (and wasting money!). But it's not like anything really that awful can happen. Losing my house would be really stupid and sad but it's not death. And everything else will be over. And yet, I am terrified all the time. I wake up constantly at night with heart racing and crazy thoughts, and find my brain is going over and over the same thoughts before I realize what is happening. I am very inefficient in my work, and just foggy and weird feeling all the time. I start crying out of nowhere a lot, and am constantly catching myself feeling this primordial terror and then trying to remind myself that nothing really is going to happen to me.
I am dreading being cross examined for four days by that evil evil lawyer of H. I am dreading having to hear his voice. (Still Zoom trials here.) I have no shred of feeling for the marriage anymore, obviously, no sadness about it ending, quite the opposite I just want to be free of this endless abuse-by-proxy and be able to live without a demon on my shoulder. I know that the trial is a doorway to that freedom. And yet I am terrified all the time. I'm still working as hard as ever to keep food on the table, still working on my art and my house stuff when time and money permit, doing all the college app stuff with S17, trying to navigate D13's 13-ness and even taking dance class finally again (and realizing that my body does not work like it used to!), but all the time I am carrying this dark shadow and just burst into tears even walking down the street sometimes. And thought I try to stay clear of it all, it's hard with S17 working at H's restaurant, and both S and D seeing him more and Soulmate Three always there and my kids getting all pretzled and confused when they return home, the damage just always is in full view, always raw and always local. And I have no contact with H at all, but there is this little pipeline always leaking poisoned oil into my brain.
So DnJ, I guess what I am doing is crying on your shoulder and asking for a few pats on the back.
Good Morning Gerda
Yes, all is well in my wee slice of heaven. The temperature has risen out of the -30s and it has been remaining around and a bit above freezing for the last few days. Very welcomed and enjoyed. Star gazing is much more comfortable when one’s exposed skin won’t freeze in under 60 seconds. Lol.
Later evening, and night time strolls, down the lane peering at the twinkling stars and bright planets always brings a calm and peaceful embrace. I find contemplating the vastness and one’s comparative insignificance somehow puts things into perspective. And there is a real sense of belonging and wonderment. A draw, or dare I say, a union with that which is much more than man.
I’m sorry with how much struggling you are having these past months. H is still continuing his long displayed irrational behaviour and filing motion after motion. Him asking to have you put in jail is just over the top. Rather frivolous and wasteful of the court’s resources, his pointless pursuit of all this. And yes, talking to H is presently akin to reasoning with an alligator.
Remember, and realize that. Alligator. You know the nature of an alligator and how they bite and strike. I’d add H’s lawyer to that definition as well.
Stay strong during the Zoom trial. Focus on your intellect. Lock in to that. This is a business deal gone sideways. Treat it as such.
I agree with you, there is little more H can actually do to you. It is likely, and actually the law, to get child support determined. Refinancing, alimony, legal costs, and such, hopefully will likewise come to a ruling, and this whole prolonged mess will conclude.
So this is unpleasant and the endless motions make me feel horrible and always under attack (and wasting money!). But it's not like anything really that awful can happen. Losing my house would be really stupid and sad but it's not death. And everything else will be over. And yet, I am terrified all the time. I wake up constantly at night with heart racing and crazy thoughts, and find my brain is going over and over the same thoughts before I realize what is happening. I am very inefficient in my work, and just foggy and weird feeling all the time. I start crying out of nowhere a lot, and am constantly catching myself feeling this primordial terror and then trying to remind myself that nothing really is going to happen to me.
(((Hug)))
Fear is not within the rational realm. It lives, and hides, within the emotional subconscious realm. Your unwanted responses are perfectly normal to the present triggers and attacks. Do realize, and I know you do
, you are imagining future possibilities, an outcome, all of which hasn’t happened and is likely not to. Of course, that’s fear and the ensnaring and entangling which envelopes one.
Logic and reason. Sword and shield. You are not defenceless in such an onslaught. You have a strong a mind and soul. A brightly polished shield of which H’s attacks are mere glances. A sharp sword of which you cleave the triggers and coupling between present events and imagined outcomes. Fear shrinks and withers under such purposeful conscience rational illumination.
I'm still working as hard as ever to keep food on the table, still working on my art and my house stuff when time and money permit, doing all the college app stuff with S17, trying to navigate D13's 13-ness and even taking dance class finally again (and realizing that my body does not work like it used to!)
Congratulations on dance class! Ha, my body certainly isn’t as limber as it once was either.
Nice to hear S17 applying to college. Is he eager with a certain education, trade, or vocation?
Oh, 13-ness. Here’s another hug. (((Hug))).
Teenagers.
I have no contact with H at all, but there is this little pipeline always leaking poisoned oil into my brain.
Old wounds getting ripped open, especially with the pending trial. I suspect once it is over you’ll better control that pipeline to your mind and heart. Well, more accept than control.
So DnJ, I guess what I am doing is crying on your shoulder and asking for a few pats on the back.
Totally ok. (((Hug))). I do care and hope and pray the best for you.
D
Gerda,
Judge Two (who made me long for Judge One) ignored the first one so he filed another.
How does a judge ignore a motion? Don't they have to rule on it?
This last one he filed about a month before our trial, asking judge to put me in jail.
Put you in jail on what grounds?
I've been without child support since H filed in 2018 and obviously had no help before then.
That's coming up on 5 years. Does your L think you'll get back pay?
I think H owes his lawyer about 200K that could have been used for my kids' college education. It's a burnt out wasteland.
$200K? Is that even possible? Seems absurd.
I know intellectually that H can't do anything to me. He already did everything.
Good! You've already been through the worst of it, so he no longer has power over you. There's nothing left to threaten with.
Either way, I have to get child support, it's the law!
Right. No getting around that.
This is a third judge (referee), and apparently he is much more fair than Judge One and Two. And since it's a trial, the judge will have to actually read all our papers and review the finances and DETERMINE CHILD SUPPORT, all things that I have never had from a judge before.
Glad you have a new more reasonable judge.
(Also he is a man, and I am convinced my two women judges are the most brutal to women, trying to show they don't favor them.)
Interesting. Wonder if you're on to something there.
I am dreading being cross examined for four days by that evil evil lawyer of H. I am dreading having to hear his voice.
Sounds like a royal pain, but don't let it hurt you.
Hang in there Gerda. "This too shall pass"
Gerda,
I am so sorry that this saga continues. Your h is one of the few that has me scratching my head. He may be putting on the "irrational" behavior hat just to destroy you. He sounds like he is sly like a fox, but at the end of the day, you are the one that needs to remain strong and determined to get child support.
As we all know, a house is just a house and no matter where you live, it will become home to you and your children. Congrats to your son in focusing on colleges. He will do well. It's a shame that they come home a bit confused and out of sorts after visiting with their father.
Now, about that zoom call, sit down, make a list of questions and have them ready for that appointment. Whatever you do, remain calm and look that judge in the eye when questioned. This is a business deal that has gone terribly wrong and you do not want to show any emotion. Stay focused that day. Do not be afraid to ask questions, if they are permitted. Do not dread the cross examination as you do not have anything to hide. You've been more than fair and honest throughout this situation.
Hang in there Gerda. It's going to be okay and yes, this too shall pass. I pray that this will be the end of court dates and lawyers. Praying that your h finally ceases all of this nonsense.
Hey Gerda,
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It just never seems to end...but it will. It will end. The feelings you are having are only natural. You have been through so much. And having had things go the way they have, it's no wonder you are nervous. But there is also a very good chance that this time it will go better than the last two judges. Keep that in your mind to help you stay calm. You don't have anything to hide. Above all, stay rational and calm. Eventually, the alligator will show its teeth to the judge. Trust me.
During my divorce mediation, my XH provided the mediator with a last-minute document that did not put me in the best light. Honestly, it wasn't the truth but at that point, I was unable to respond. It didn't matter that it was false, it was that he was doing his best to make me look bad to try to gain an edge. I worried at first that the mediator believed what was written because he seemed pretty hard on me. But I remained calm and steady and unemotional. All our requests were rational and realistic and well, we acted professionally. After a while, he seemed to relax and seemed to be doing a fair job, and not like he was running me over or anything. However, after the finalization of the settlement, the mediator let me and my lawyer know that he saw my XH teeth and he wasn't impressed. So, even if it doesn't always look like people are seeing the bad behavior, they do. It's just their job to not let either of you know that they see it. So, even if you fear the worst, try to have faith that what you have provided in the documentation and your behavior shows that you have nothing to hide and that you are not the one playing games. And hope that your deal is a fair one. Unfortunately, you XH will never get what he deserves. Except with the help of Karma.
Sending you love and hugs and strength. You are amazing. You are strong. You are a wonderful mom. You don't deserve any of this, but you will get through it. It will come to an end and he will no longer have power over you. I promise.
Hugs,
El
Sorry I haven't had time to respond to these excellent messages, DnJ, BL42, Job, Elbereth. I really really appreciated the time you took to think about my sitch and write to me. It helps a lot! I have so much to do to prep (I mean after work and kids!) that I can't write more now but will soon. Just wanted to thank you for the friendship and say your words mean a lot and help a lot.
Hello Gerda
How are you doing? Did the trial go ahead as scheduled?
Hoping all is well.
D
Thank you for checking on me, DnJ, it means a lot! I do need to give you an update, it's just such a long one that I don't have time! The trial is never-ending; we had five days and finally in the last two hours of the fifth day, we started the defendant's side (that's me). We had to add three more days!! That will be in the end of March. So I'm sort of on a respite between the labor pains, but it's also awful since it's always hanging over my head.
And in the meantime I have to pay the lawyer to also answer the motion he filed in between, it's so terrible, expensive, pointless and yet I could be found in contempt anyway.
For five days of trial, H revealed himself to be crazy, lying, foolish, deadbeat, etc. And sometimes I really felt so sorry for him, he is such a wreck and really so confused, he can't understand the most basic things about an order or about the process of issues referred to trial, child support, etc. His L has taken advantage of that, to stretch this out forever and make as much money as possible. In a way his L is the most dark-hearted participant, he is using all of us, and H owes him like 120K and counting, plus whatever he paid him in the past.
But even a crazy, lying, foolish deadbeat has the right to half the equity because I made that desperate move in 2019 and signed that terrible agreement. So all I can really do is keeping walking through this process and waste thousands and thousands of dollars until it's over, and hope the judge gives me a lot of time to refinance so I have the chance to do it. I'll come back when I have time to tell you some of the stories, they are incredible!
Here's a preview:
My L: Mr. H, who pays the mortgage on the property?
H: What do you mean?
My L: (confused as to how that is complex, but used to his shenanigans now) Who pays the bill. Who pays the actual mortgage bill.
H: Well, if you mean physically, Gerda pays the bill. But if you mean ontologically, I pay it.
(Judge squirming in chair.)
Hello Gerda
I had to look up ontologically. Seems H is still utilizing his high priced vocabulary to try to cloud the trail. The poor stenographer.
Hang in there Gerda. Hopefully it’s just a few more days.
D
I'm with DNJ...hang in there! Your h has completely lost the plot! I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that this ends very soon. Praying that the judge sides with you and everything will be done and over with.
Gerda,
I know that it is Lent and you don't pop in during this time....but I wanted to let you know that we all are thinking of you and your family.
Job and DnJ, that means so much that you are thinking of me and even remembering my yearly lent, Easter, etc, thank you, thank you!
You will not believe this but the trial is still going.
We had five days and the plaintiff's side did not even finish their direct and witnesses until the afternoon of the fourth day. So we had to add three more days a month later. I did not speak a word until the 7th day. So on the 8th day, we added SIX MORE DAYS. Four in June and three in July.
I have to write more about those seven days. It was the most astonishing display of stupidity you have ever seen. But right now I am traveling so no time.
I sent H another offer. It was an amazing offer for him, a loss for me. He wrote back that he would only stop if I gave him an amount that is probably 3.5 times what his actual equity is. I calculated what our place would have to sell for for him to walk away with that amount, and it would have to sell for 2.5 times the appraised value. He doesn't believe the appraisers. So for a few hours we had to listen to his lawyer grilling an appraiser about how he measures things.
I know it's pointless but I will keep trying to get him to settle periodically. The trial is insanely expensive and astonishingly pointless. He is spending tens of thousands of dollars and nothing that he thinks he will get out of trial will actually happen, even in the most perfect scenario for him. He doesn't understand how law works, how alimony is calculated, etc. And now I have seen a lot of his financial docs, though many are missing (e.g., he is clearly hiding all cash from his restaurant and using that to live on) -- and he owes his biz partner biz and personal loans totaling around 400K, plus probably another 50-100K in credit card debt. It's a total repeat of what he did with me!!! And the promissory notes all tie the debt to the outcome of our divorce!!! More on that later.
I rented out my apartment to pay for a trip to go to a friend's wedding in Panama, that's where I am now. It's pretty wonderful and I will tell you a little more about it, DNJ I think you would really love this little trip we took to San Blas, look it up. Mostly I am so happy to be far far away though I get these nightmares constantly about the trial. But I will write more about both things when I get back to give you an update. DnJ, fire up that naiiiimmniiimooooooo bars and tea. Lots of love to you both (and anyone else reading, we all need love!).
Hello Gerda
Oh my! The trial now has time schedule into July. H and his L are certainly ensuring they get their say. Grilling an appraiser about how they measure. SMH.
I looked up San Blas. Wow! It’s gorgeous! The internet pictures show such beautiful water and islands. I’m really glad for you. Pretty nice place for your friend’s wedding, and to get away from things for a spell.
Nanaimo bar and tea. Yum!
A few more weeks we could even sit outside on my deck. And comfortably. Lol. It’s been above freezing for a few days now. The snow is melting and a touch of spring is in the air.
Lots of love back to you.
D
Gerda,
I hope that you can enjoy your time away. It's a good way to recharge your battery. Your h and his lawyer are just too much for me to even figure out at this point. The lawyer, I can understand, because he's billing so many hours that your h will not ever get him paid off. As for your h, there is seriously something wrong with him. If he wants a divorce, then he should be ready to move forward. After all, you two have been trying to get things settled for a few years.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Enjoy your time away!
A quick and awful update.
Today was the hearing on the motion in front of Judge 2, the regular judge and not the referee from the trial. The referee judge is great, very smart, listens carefully and reviews all the papers really closely, sees H for what he is as far as I can tell. He was going to give me 4 months to refinance without any repeat marketing of the house from H. This was one of the things referred to trial and we have already spent tens of thousands of dollars at trial discussing it.
The regular judge is new to the case and HATES me, I do not know why but it seems that women judges like to show how tough they are on women. The two women judges I had were strangely horrible to me and the referee judge, who is a man is fair and neutral and nothing like that. It's not like it's pleasant with him, but it feels fair. This other woman judge it feels like a scene in the Crucible.
Today she heard the motion about me going to jail for not continuing his advance equity payments. I filed for contempt because he would not get an appraisal or accept mine so that I could buy him out. She rejected that and made me pay his legal fees because it was frivolous. This one he filed for contempt because I finally had to stop paying advances, since I was out of money and it seemed he was just going to expect advances forever but would never actually let me buy him out. So he filed for me to be put in jail for 6 months and that he be allowed to take over our house as a "receiver" -- I guess he got that from Trump, literally! He and his lawyer lied and lied -- e.g., said I had never paid him any advance equity but I have paid him like 80K since this thing started. She refused to discuss me getting child support and found me in contempt and created a judgement against me for his legal fees but did not, as you can see, put me in jail. She kept saying things about how I was just taking fancy trips and controlling everything in our house and refusing to pay him what he is owed. And she threw out the order that I have been waiting for five years to complete, the one that allowed me to buy him out at appraised value. She is letting him market the house again, without an appraisal, to drive up the price for a right of first refusal. I kept asking why I couldn't buy him out at appraised value as we had agreed and she said it was my fault for not following the order to keep paying him. And if I end up buying him out at ROFR, SHE IS MAKING US PAY THE BROKER FEE to ensure that the broker works really hard to get the highest price possible. When I said that it did not seem fair that I would have to pay a broker to buy my own house she told me to shut up. At one point I went in the hall and H was at the far end of the hall, the other side of the building, but it was deadly quiet so I could hear him telling someone about how horrible I am and how happy he was that the judge told me to shut up. My L did the best he could and mitigated her brutality so I think he did as well as he could for me but it was the weirdest display, like one of those on line stories you read about when a narcissist is in court and convinces everyone of the most ridiculous lies.
So I have to live through another 4 months of H trying to sell my house and getting into my business and making our lives H$ll. He seems to prefer to spend all this extra money, in the hundreds of thousands, to pay a broker to market the place instead of just accepting an appraised value and spending so much less. It's so weird! He is going to end up with almost nothing left of his equity but he just wants me to burn in H$ll.
My L said the deal he was getting was actually worse for him than the one I offered him last week but he was just so intent on destroying me that he didn't care.
I was so low afterwards. I waited five years to finally exercise my right to buy him out, and we were actually doing well in trial and then this judge just threw out everything without reading any of my papers, not understanding anything about what has actually been happening or all the money I have had to pay while H literally has had to pay nothing. I spent all this time and money on trial, and she just took over the main issue referred to trial and upended all of it. She is obsessed with getting H the highest possible price for his equity but doesn't care even an iota about child support or my kids' college or of course me.
I tried to spend the afternoon calling various mortgage brokers and trying to get started on applications. My L said that if I can get the money in escrow, he might be able to petition the judge to let me buy him out at an appraised value before the four months are up.
I just hope my story convinces any newbies to get out as fast as you can as far as finances are concerned. You are otherwise gambling on getting a fair judge or on your crazy MLCer not doing his worst. In my case I waited and waited for H to come out of it, devoting myself to patience and restoration. And I don't think that's wrong, I believe in restoration of marriages still. But finances are not a marriage, and that was a grave error. I could have maybe done much better if I settled things quickly without connecting finances to marriage. Instead H got worse and worse and his lawyer more and more aggressive and unethical. I have been unlucky at every turn, and five years later I am still battling just to extricate myself from this insanity. If I get the refinance, I may be okay, but if someone offers more than the appraised value and I can't get that together, I lose the house, even though H will walk away with far less in a third party sale at a higher value than a buy out from me.
Hugs welcome now please.
Hello Gerda
{{{Hugs}}}
Just wow.
It seems H is fixated on being unreasonable and making things difficult for you.
I hope you can get this all settled and behind you soon. You’ve been at this for such a long time.
Stay strong. Praying for you.
D
Yes, you are right! Thank you for the hugs!
Here's a somewhat amusing follow up --
Yesterday they proposed a broker who is the one who showed up at the appraisal a few years ago claiming to be "just a friend of H." I knew he had to be a broker, we called the court and he got kicked out. Indeed a friend of H who met him after trying for years to get the listing when I didn't know H was secretly trying to sell the place. After that discovered H had hired his son, a friend of S17 (small world) to work at restaurant in order to loop my S into working there. This proved successful! So they wanted to use this guy and I said no, too much conflict of interest.
I spent the day (after work of course) rallying myself to have hope, courage, etc, and to gear up for the four months, worked on getting the refinance (some forward motion there, hurray!) opened my e-mail to an email from someone introducing herself as the new broker, needed all of my keys and visits, to find out access times, stage my place, etc. Hmmm. It wasn't possible that two women in my city had that unusual name. I went to my son's room and showed him her photo. "Is that your dad's girlfriend?" Yes, S says, why?
Yes, you heard that right.
I guess they thought I wouldn't know? And that my kids would enjoy finding her in our house, rearranging our stuff and selling the place while they lived there? H has no apartment, mostly lives at her place. I guess this was a ploy to get to pocket the broker's fee!
The fun never ends!
It's so crazy that I can laugh about it. At least as long as the crazy judge doesn't say, "SHUT UP, Mrs. H! You'll use her and you'll LIKE IT." But yes, DnJ, I sure hope this is the beginning of the end.
Good Morning Gerda
His girlfriend?!?
What the…
But first they tried to use H’s friend, again. LOL. Sheesh.
Do push back against such obvious conflicts of interest. And I do hope that the judge listens.
H is so crazy! I also figure his sleazily lawyer is behind a lot of this too. I would suspect his L would arrange, or have a hand in arranging, appraisals, brokers, and such. What the legal dream team they make. haha.
Your H is certainly one of the most tenacious and lost folks I’ve heard of. Keep your wits about you my friend. Walk your path and stay clear of the whackadoodle-ness. It’s likely not contagious, yet you don’t want any of that on you.
D
OMG! What is wrong with the judges in your area? I suspect that your h's sleazy lawyer is behind a lot of what is going on and has bending the ear of the judges along the way.
I am so sorry that this nightmare continues. I wish I had some ideas to help you out, but you have got the worse situation that I have ever read about.
If they want to come to your house, please have someone there to oversee what they are doing and be sure to film them in action. You just never know when you may need to use the video as evidence.
I am praying for you each and every day. Stay a strong as you can.
Thank you, DnJ and Job, as ever, for the support -- and the recognition that this is NUTS!
Just as predicted, the Judge has opened the floodgates. H is texting me many times a day with demands, orders, anger, "by court order, you are required to..." "I can only hire GF because no other broker would touch this because of your hostility," "my lawyer asked your lawyer to explain this fictionalized conflict of interest and your lawyer still has yet to respond," etc.
So yesterday he messages that he will be coming with GF to redo my planters and I message back that he can leave the flowers for me to plant because I have been cultivating a lot of baby trees and need to do that strategically. He writes back an endless unreadable message and asserts that I had enough time and he will be coming as planned. Today he and GF rip out all of my plants and put in a bunch of new plants, move everything around and throw out all of my plants. Then messages later that they are going out to get something to eat and will be finishing later, can I ask someone to bring them water for the plants, etc. I ignore. D14 was home sick while I was at work and was in a state of terror and anguish, I was scared to encounter them and have to hear GF asking me about her work as a broker, so I waited to go home and then snuck through the bar next door and bartender made sure coast was clear and I ran inside! I texted H that the children would be home now (it was now after school) so please finish tomorrow. His response? He texted D14 and asked her to bring them a broom!!! She has cut off contact with them and he thought it was a good idea for her to come down and hang out with them while they rip out all my stuff in order to put our house on the market!
Judge is so sick of us she is not even responding to my L about our request that he not be allowed to use the GF he lives with. This means that we would have to pay his GF 6% of the value of my place to buy my own house!!! Then I read the contract GF had made and it listed H as sole owner of the house and said the sale would include all furnishings, e.g., all my stuff. What a freak show!
I came up with idea to have a buyer's agent so I don't have to interact with him and whatever broker he uses, and at least my own advocate would split the commission -- then saw that their contract cuts out any other brokers. And then saw that they were going to price the place at 2.5 times its appraised value. Which is kind of good for me, no one will bid if it's priced too high. But it's also so stupid and such a waste of time.
These are the last four months of S17 being home with me before college, and I have to spend that same exact amount of time dealing with these bozos just to be able to buy my own house.
I am just biding my time, working on the refinances (should have that done in the next week or two) and trying to do my other work and projects and mothering and enjoy life in between the madness and fear attacks. And lots of praying which has really renewed my courage.
This is a rather short summary of much more madness. Stay tuned! But S17 pointed out very wisely that if the judge gave him 120 days, and we don't think he can get more than market value for the place, that it means I will finally be done in 120 days, so I guess that's pretty wise and true. I mean, I won't be divorced! This judge is so dumb she didn't even tie this thing to the divorce decree and we still have to go back for more trial days in June and July. But I'm inching closer.
LESSON -- You cannot rationalize with irrational people. The MLCer or Narcissist or whatever he is is will do his absolute worst to sabotage absolutely everything until the last possible moment, no matter how much it is against his own interests. Maybe your MLCer is going through something and will come out of it. BUT CUT ALL FINANCIAL TIES THE SECOND YOU HAVE THE CHANCE! Or you will end up like poor little Gerda AKA Brave Little Gerda AKA Persistent Little Gerda.
Good Morning Gerda
and the recognition that this is NUTS!
H and his antics aren’t really too demanding upon my powers of observation. Lol.
When I read about H and GF ripping out the plants, I was angry. You politely asked them not to. Even gave reasons why. Nope, they came right over and just did what they wanted. Even asked for water. Sheesh!
Well done not responding to them.
Anyhow, I did give myself a day to calm. (Sort of.
) Like what is going on in your part of the world. How can such utter madness get passed the judge.
S17 pointed out very wisely that if the judge gave him 120 days, and we don't think he can get more than market value for the place, that it means I will finally be done in 120 days, so I guess that's pretty wise and true.
Smart lad you’ve raised there.
These are the last four months of S17 being home with me before college…
Wow. Sure flies by.
How close is the college? Hours or days away?
Nice to see son has the next steps/stage of his life kind of planned out. I’m sure he is excited to embrace it.
LESSON -- You cannot rationalize with irrational people. The MLCer or Narcissist or whatever he is is will do his absolute worst to sabotage absolutely everything until the last possible moment, no matter how much it is against his own interests. Maybe your MLCer is going through something and will come out of it. BUT CUT ALL FINANCIAL TIES THE SECOND YOU HAVE THE CHANCE! Or you will end up like poor little Gerda AKA Brave Little Gerda AKA Persistent Little Gerda.
Very wise words my friend.
For those reading along, listen to Gerda. You cannot rationalize with irrational people. If you need financial protection or security, get it.
Have a great day Gerda.
D
My God Gerda. There is nothing I can say that can help…I just wanted to drop a note of support for you. Your H definitely is an awful person. And you win the survival award for tenacity, perseverance, and strength. Sending you hugs.
El
My God Gerda. There is nothing I can say that can help…I just wanted to drop a note of support for you. Your H definitely is an awful person. And you win the survival award for tenacity, perseverance, and strength. Sending you hugs.
El
But you just said something that can help! Thank you, my friend. I'm lonely in this so it's nice to hear from you.
And of course, DnJ, you have been there as a kind, wise, supportive friend for years now. It was even nice to know you got mad on my behalf.
But today there is more.
I was hanging outside with my neighbor chatting and the bartender from next door came over and said, "Why do you have a camera on top of my camera?"
There was a ring camera attached with a rubber band to the top of his camera, watching my door. I got so scared, weirdly, as if he was watching me right then, but I took a few photos and video of it and then I climbed up and knocked it down and me and my friend whispered until we could get the battery out.
I went to the police and they said if I get footage of him putting it up, I can file for harrassment but that's it.
My past lawyer told me not to file restraining orders because the judge will think I am just doing it to cause trouble, so I didn't.
But now I am scared. I was already scared, honestly. I keep blocking his efforts while trying to have in writing that I am cooperating by saying over and over, there are only 2 out of 70,000 brokers in our state who have a conflict of interest, just have any of the other 69998 contact me, etc. But the GF wrote to my lawyer saying they will need daily access, "we" will be there daily sometimes all day doing repairs and staging, we will be putting all her stuff in storage, etc. So I am tough on one side but then at night I get horrible nightmares and panic attacks. All along I said that I have to buy him out even if I have to sell it two months later because I can't afford to keep it, just to not have to do it with him, I knew he would be like this. So now it's happening, and I can't say what I am scared of, but this is how I was some years back when he lived here or when he kept threatening to come back. Your body keeps the score, as the book says.
I called the domestic violence hotline and they told me I can go in to the office tomorrow and get help to file the order.
My lawyer probably won't like it. But no one in court is helping, they are in fact creating the circumstances allowing him to do this, and I am afraid of what happens next with this guy.
I am not at all surprised that your h is now putting up cameras. He's trying to see who comes and goes from your residence. The bartender should have taken that camera down because it was sitting on top of his. However, it is good that he told you about it and now that new one has been shut down. That, in my books, is called stalking. You did not give him permission put that there, nor did the bartender. He is really getting desperate to trap you in some sort of compromising situation.
Gerda, please, please be careful. He has completely lost the plot in many ways, but he still continues to be sly like a fox in other ways. Be sure to check around outside to see if there are any other cameras up and also, check inside your home for "listening" devices/bugs. I don't put anything by this man.
Hang in there.
Amazing to hear from you, Job. Thank you for the support!
Quick update --
Fourth letter from the GF to my lawyer, so he finally replied to her that her personal relationship with H made it impossible to include her, and that the best remedy was for H to just choose a different broker. But he added that he was aware that she had contacted "the parties' children" and tried to discuss with them the sale and the impact of the sale on their lives. So finally the judge's court attorney answers that we have to file a motion to get this heard. Another $5000 down the tubes.
Amazingly, after receiving this rather alarming message, did H and GF realize it was time to back off and pull up the big-boy-and-girl pants? No. Because an hour later I got a message from the bartender that they were AT THE BAR. I guess they had a drink first and then demanded to know who had taken down the camera!!! They were literally there in a fury to collect their illegally installed equipment! The bartender, normally a very tough guy, was I guess a little confused. He didn't share any info but when H was very vehement that he needed the footage from the bar's camera to find out who did it, the bartender did not say, "Get the F out of here unless you have a warrant." So I think that H is coming back with a USB to collect the footage, not realizing that I couldn't care less if he sees it's me! I mean, I don't think it will work out very well to go to the judge complaining that Gerda noticed a camera had been installed to watch her, without her knowledge, and, terrified, she took it down.
I really didn't want my D14 to come home past that, so I called her school and went to pick her up and escort her home. Mercifully, The Greenthumb Twins were gone.
My L wanted me to wait on the restraining order until we got this issue heard by judge. I have an appointment anyway to talk about options with the domestic violence folks.
More soon! Love to you all, thank you for being there.
Good Morning Gerda
Oh my. H and GF are certainly a pair. They are demanding from the establishment to acquire a copy of the surveillance to discover who removed their spy camera they installed upon his equipment. SMH.
Did you give the camera to the police, or do you still have it?
Good thing you spoke to the police and your lawyer before all this. They know the timeline of discovery and removal. If the Greendumb, er… Greenthumb Twins’ come at you about the camera removal they will incriminate themselves and likely that will be enough for the police to take some action I would think. Hopefully, that was the only device those two planted.
I’m glad you are speaking with the domestic violence folks to gather knowledge of your rights and other information. It’s likely best to go with your lawyer’s advice of waiting until the motion regarding GF as broker is heard before filing for any restraint order. Of course, if things get ramped up by H, let your lawyer and/or police know.
I hope this crazy drama doesn’t consume too much of your life and time. That you still find and craft time with son and daughter, and for walks, and enjoying sunsets, and all that good stuff.
D
Gerda,
The bartender does not have to give them any footage because they are not law enforcement, nor do they have a warrant. He is within his rights to tell them no to their request. Also, placing that camera on top of his camera is pretty bold and not even asking to do so, well...that may not be in good favor and could be considered trespassing because they didn't have permission to install it on his property.
It's good that you are meeting with the domestic violence people because everything will be documented properly. If you haven't turned the camera over yet, be sure to that you have it with you when you meet with them as evidence.
I pray that things will settle down, but both of those nuts need to get a life. The stalking is way out of hand and it's time that someone call him on it.
As for the gf, she needs to stay the heck out of the situation.
Praying that things settle down for you.
Dearest Gerda,
It has been ages since I last visited here, but your story compelled me to write to you to send lots of love and support your way. I think of you often and I am so sorry to read of your never-ending story.
You have gotten some great advice from Job and DnJ (hi guys!), but another angle that I am feeling drawn to share my perspective on is this: how are you supporting your emotional and psychological health in all of this? I haven't dealt with the magnitude of what you have experienced, but even the fraction of what I have lived through has been grueling and soul-breaking.
I do so hope that you follow up with a women's DV group, not only for the legal infractions you have been navigating, but for support of the coercion and post-separation abuse you (and your children) have been living through. I know in times of survival we put our heads down and put one foot in front of the other, but the long-term consequences of surviving under such circumstances can be debilitating. I want to see Team Gerda supporting their gal as you navigate these next steps. No need to do it alone anymore. Transgressions have been made (over and over and over) and perhaps enough rope has been let out at this point in time?
Hugs, many of them,
Sage xx
Hi Sage4! Great to see you are still poking around!
Gerda, I’m glad my post helped in some way and you found it supportive.
Some advice on the restraining order. When my XH and I had to do one for his XW, the lawyers took it most seriously because it included examples that included other people that were not family. So if you are able to include written examples provided by the bartender or anyone else describing the harassment and/or abuse, that goes a long way in preventing your XH from trying to make it sound like it’s all in your head. Because that is what “they” do and with the games your XH plays, your goal is to limit those opportunities as well as protect yourself. Let us know what you find out from your conversations and what you end up doing.
Hugs to you,
El
Sage oh Sage, sheer happiness at seeing your post. Hearing from you always like sitting on the front stoop with a favorite friend and a cup of tea and maybe looking up from time to time at the kids playing tag. I guess sometimes with one of us (generally me) weeping a bit. Thank you for your return from the World Beyond to lay some love on me. In fact it made a huge impact. I called the office for domestic violence in my city and now I have a caseworker and got referrals to various services including a meeting with a lawyer and a waitlist for therapy with a DV therapist. I also hired someone to be a third party for all the communications so that H and any broker he hires go through her, not me, and I just have to agree to times to leave when it's being shown. And of course all the validation that this is in fact domestic violence, which made it a tiny bit clearer to handle the ONSLAUGHT of texts I received demanding access and announcing the long days H would be spending in my place, cleaning and repairing, all the snide and sarcastic ways he told me I was violating the order to cooperate with him, many of which indicated that he and GF were watching me though I had the second camera taken down after knocking down the first one because every time I left the city -- I have to rent a car to go anywhere, load it in front of my place with dog, etc), and when I did all that and was an hour or two away from the city, he or she would message me that they had to get into the house right away for an important repair or to show the place to a buyer willing to pay three times the appraised value, and it was always right when D14 was getting home from school so that I had to get a friend to meet her and escort her inside in case they were there. I guess their goal was to build up a file of all the times I obstructed them. Just to sum up a long list of horrors in a couple of sentences. The point is that no matter how long it's been going on, and even when Sage and the caseworker remind you that this is abuse and you have to deal with it and its impact, you still always feel like you are faking it for effect in court and have to keep being reminded. (And if KML is reading this, you were right in the early days when I wouldn't listen.) The DV lawyer did confirm what my lawyer said, that it's pretty pointless to file a restraining order, even though one was very necessary in this situation, because it would go back to presiding judge who had issued this dangerous order and who would reject it.
And thank you, Elbereth, Job, DnJ, for walking with me on this rocky mountain pass, I truly appreciate your words and wisdom and advice and care so much and read them over again often.
So many shocking details have unfolded since my last post. I will just share one and then skip to the end.
One of S17's friends still works at H's place, and GF is a partner there. They told this friend that they can't trust S17 anymore because his mom had sent him to spy on them, and that it was such a shame that D and S don't know the truth about what's happening with our house. Not only horrible but pretty stupid to think that the friend wouldn't immediately call/text/chat that to S17. Actually I guess that was the point.
The latest part of the story's end -- my L managed to get the judge to agree to a lawyers-only conference that occurred yesterday. I was a wreck all night, scared that the judge would force me to have the GF as the broker! And despite my L's repeated attempts to come to a solution with H's L and despite the fact that they had the scehduled conference and we have more trial days in two weeks, H filed ANOTHER MOTION, that is number five since August. My L didn't even read it, he assumed that Judge would refuse to sign it, and was correct. Judge took the GF off the listing and told H that he just wasted 30 of the 120 days she had given him for this marketing experiment. So that was good. I was proud of D14 when I told her, she was so relieved she gave this huge smile as if I told her the happiest news of her life, which was lovely and also kind of sad, and then when I said there would be another broker for 90 days but at least it wouldn’t be GF, she said, "Oh, well maybe he can get GF's mom this time" and started laughing! She has been so anxious and depressed through this whole time that I was rather shocked to see she could laugh about it now, proud of her! (And yes, she has a great therapist and for now has cut off contact with H and GF, though she has that confusion about it I know so well.)
And the best part was that at one point the judge said, "You know, when we got this case we assumed Mrs. H was the problem. But now we see that it's Mr. H." FINALLY.
That said, she is still forcing me to go through this 90 day nightmare though I told her no bank will fund me if house is for sale and though we brought multiple testimonies from normal brokers saying that this is an unethical and potentially illegal way to do a buy out. I already have my applications in the queue and I'm just going to take the loan if any come through and hold on to to the funds so no one can say I wasn't ready. Hugely expensive and stupid way to do it, but that's where we are.
I told S17 I was so sorry that his last summer before college was playing out like this and he was so wise once again, saying that it wouldn't have that much impact, they'd just probably be showing it once a week and we could enjoy the rest of the time, since no sale would actually happen before he goes to college either way. He has more stamina than I do!
But what a wasteland, a wreckage, all for no reason. His kids are once again not speaking to him and he doesn't even reach out to them. The GF that my D liked a lot is now hated. My L told me that H owes his lawyer over 200K. All to avoid the inevitable -- a 50-50 split of the true equity in our property and huge debts. Now that I have seen H's biz records and promissory notes, it seems that he has squandered over half his equity on these debts to lawyer and biz partner even before he gets any of it!
I sent my MIL a special plant for her garden on Mother's Day. I took D14 to see her recently, and though we have almost no relationship on the phone/email, when we are together, it's kind of like old days and we don't say anything ever about the divorce or her son. So I sent her this special plant because she has been working a lot on her garden. She sent me a very nice message to thank me, with a photo of the plant, and she said, "Next time you come it will have grown huge! Love you all."
To me that is the whole point of how we walk through our journey. I started out wanting to restore my marriage, not understanding that I was dealing with far more than MLC. Obviously I never want to restore or even be in the same city as H, but I haven't become bitter and I am rarely angry though often afraid. In this last TEN years, slowly slowly I gained wisdom and worked hard through my faith and through the wisdom I got from all of you to hold on to what was best in me, to keep knowing beauty and truth and love and light. For all of you reading -- Just keep loving however you can without bitterness and protecting yourself and your kids (and your finances!) wherever you can with the whatever clarity you can muster, and allow yourself to have hope that watered by the faith and love you didn't let die, one day something good will finally have the chance to grow.
Sentence above should say "at least it WOULDN'T be GF"!
(Sentence edited. DnJ)
Why did I dare to think anything could go normally?
I got the email from his next choice of broker today. It is the boss/partner of his girlfriend. Same firm, same contract, same demands for access (presently slightly more politely). No way to prove that they have a referral agreement, but this is how it works, she will share the fee when I get forced to pay her to buy my own house.
This is GRUELING.
Gerda,
I am so sorry that all of this is happening to you and your family. I wish I knew what to do for you. It seems like your h is just an evil man who can't stand to see you happy and going on with your life. I'm praying for you and your family and I am hoping that God will hear my prayers and offer you some relief from this madness.
Hello Gerda
And the best part was that at one point the judge said, "You know, when we got this case we assumed Mrs. H was the problem. But now we see that it's Mr. H."
I think that’s the best part too!
Truth, reality, positivity, hope, and such, pretty much always find a way to shine through whatever tries to obscure them. Although sometimes it can take a really long time. Perseverance and strength of character do yield their own rewards regardless. However, it is sure welcomed when karma drops in and gives a boost.
I am very happy to read how well your daughter and son are doing. Your son is a wise lad, who had some hard life lessons and found his way. And it is awesome to read that daughter actually made a joke about GF’s Mom being the next broker, and laughed about it! Both of them have grown so much, and gained so much. You absolutely are correct to be proud of them. Nice job Mom!
Years ago you offered me some words which I’m not sure you know the extent of how transformative or supportive they truly were. Many times while lost and alone those four simple words held fast and held back the darkness.
Walk in the light.
Gerda, continue to walk in the light. Regardless of the darkness and shade, H or anyone tries to throw your way, hold your head high and shine God’s love. Goodness does grow and flourish when watered by faith and love. (And a soft a squishy heart.
)
D
This…
In this last TEN years, slowly slowly I gained wisdom and worked hard through my faith and through the wisdom I got from all of you to hold on to what was best in me, to keep knowing beauty and truth and love and light. For all of you reading -- Just keep loving however you can without bitterness and protecting yourself and your kids (and your finances!) wherever you can with the whatever clarity you can muster, and allow yourself to have hope that watered by the faith and love you didn't let die, one day something good will finally have the chance to grow.
And this…
Walk in the light…
Good things do come and will grow.
Hugs to you! Hang in there…the light is starting to shine on what your XH is doing!
El
Dear dear Gerda,
I am truly shocked after reading all this.
What on earth is going on with that man?
You must be a really bad person to do this to the persons who loved you unconditionally for years...
I am really relieved that your children are in no contact with him today. It can only hurt them more, and this after everything that has happened already.
10 years you say? I just can't imagine it. You really are a strong woman Gerda.
I so sincerely hope for you that it will end soon. No one deserves this.
Lot's of strength my dear friend xxx
Gerda,
Hello friend! I have to say, despite what you have still been going through, you sound stronger than ever! I know it must not feel like it, but from the cheap seats it sounds like you are handling the hardest of hard situations with grace. I think handling yourself with grace has a lot more to do with how you navigate your choices from an outwardly perspective, regardless of how you may feel while doing it. The stress of what you have been traversing must be immense and would be crippling to anyone, but you have persevered through it all. You are a shining example of strength to all of us. You are a lighthouse!
You H sounds like he is just as bad as ever. I am sorry to hear that he hasn't improved 1 inch. Actually, it sounds like he is worse. You do not deserve this and I admire the way you have handled yourself. Your children are so lucky to have you in their corner. And your efforts are paying off! They sound really good for all that H has put you guys through. You guys have all been through a lot, and it hasn't been easy. But to hear how well they are seeing things and holding up, that's all because of your efforts! You are an amazing person! I don't know how well anyone else would stand up in dealing with what you have endured. You deserve a medal for courage and bravery in the face of evil.
All the court proceedings sound like a mess. It's good that you have someone mediating for you so that you don't have to be part of every back and forth. You would think that at some point H would realize that the money he thinks he is holding out for is going to be smaller than what he actually owes. I just can't wrap my head around him not realizing that. The situation may be complex, but that is just simple math. Does H have any history of mental illness in his family? His actions are bizarre.
I hope that you are doing well, despite all of his antics. I hope you have been able to take some trips and do things that are gratifying to your soul. And I also hope the children were able to get back into school without any major disruptions.
-Don’t Quit-
When times are hard, you might stop for a bit,
But it’s not over until the moment you quit.
On a river’s bridge, failures are the planks;
Take one step at a time until you reach its banks.
Don’t give up on your dreams; chase them instead;
You will find, one morning, as you wake up from bed,
That you are the person about whom you dreamed,
And you can reach great heights, impossible though it seemed.
When things go wrong and your back is to the wall,
Try to stand up; no more can you fall.
Life is full of ups and downs; take them in your stride.
You will discover your little star hidden inside.
By M. Tarun Prasad
Oh gosh wow, just saw you posted here. So sweet! You were always the best cheerleader. I will update soon. But in short, yes, The Once-Upon-an-H is bonkers and wants to see me flattened or burned at the stake.
I had court today. It was supposed to be the end of the 120 days the bad judge gave H to market the property. I had my loan preapprovals and the bank appraisal, just as the judge had ordered. It was HER order that said that after the 120 days, I had the right to buy him out at the bank appraised value as long as I had my preapprovals. I HAD IT ALL READY. My lawyer had told me he would be filing a motion to get the listing down so I could refinance but he just never got it done before the status conference. (He is not very good but that's all I got for now.) And two days ago, H's lawyer filed ANOTHER MOTION to put me in jail, evict me, appoint a receiver to run my business and the sale of the house, etc., because of his claim that I blocked the broker. I spent the 120 days bending over backwards and hired an agent to be there every time specifically so I would never be accused of blocking it. But he twisted everything, redacted emails to make it look like we didn't cooperate, and even -- and this makes me want to cry -- included a photo of my son half naked asleep in bed as proof that I had planted my son there during a showing to block a sale. It was the kind of photo that parents would look at and say, "Oh, our beautiful sleeping boy," and he turned it in for everyone to look at in that disgusting way.
My L told me that the judge hadn't signed the motion and we only had to focus on the fact that we were ready to fulfill the order. Instead the whole thing opened with her saying to H's lawyer, "Well, Mr. L, I'm about to find you in contempt for filing another contempt motion, but explain to me why I should grant your requests for emergency relief." They lied and lied and the judge listened. Then my L spoke and she listened but she said she thought it was very strange that my bank appraisal was 2/3 of the asking price H had, and that she thought appointing a receiver was a great idea since the parties couldn't agree and there must be some truth to the accusations. My L said that the bank appraisal was the same as the previous ones and that the house hadn't sold because it was so overpriced by H but she just kept saying she didn't know if he would really be getting his full equity this way even though IT WAS HER ORDER. No one asked about the kids, about me paying for college for our son, nothing. H's evil broker was even sitting in the courtroom and my lawyer didn't object! My L did get a little more vehement than usual when it was his turn, saying that we can refute all the accusations but that we needed to focus on the order already in place, we had endured the abuse and insults and troubles of the 120 days, and it was over, and I was ready to the buyout, we just needed her to make them take the listing down.
Judge said something about her order and then laughed and said, "But I'm the judge, so I can change my order anytime."
She said we had to prove to her why a receiver wasn't a good idea, since I could just go through the receiver to buy my house, and the receiver could ensure the agent was above board since he had picked his girlfriend's boss, etc. She said we had to file all our papers by October, and that H could continue this marketing nightmare in the meantime, and she understood I couldn't get the financing but that was my problem.
I can't even explain all the details without throwing up, but basically she refused to allow me to follow her own order!
I can't get my loans without the listing coming down, and I can't get out of this mess without the loans. I can't even abandon ship and run away from it all and let H have everything because only my name is on the mortgage, and I have no way to pay it except with the rentals.
He literally has me trapped.
I feel like I have come so far, have moved on, am hopeful about my life, myself, etc. And I can't get free.
I feel like I have come so far, have moved on, am hopeful about my life, myself, etc. And I can't get free.
Ugh.
Hugs.
I will share what I ask myself when I'm feeling that way - what am I supposed to learn from this that I haven't yet learned? My rationale is that maybe if I figure that out I'll be free. I never said it was logical, only that I ask myself that question and it often makes me feel less trapped.
xo
Gerda,
I do not mean to make light of any of this as it is absolutely a tragedy, but...parts of your story seem too bizarre to be true. It sounds like a sitcom where the most absurd things can and will happen. I keep expecting Kramer to buzz in to the courtroom in your story.
I am so sorry to hear that you are STILL going through all of this and that it sounds like H is getting crazier and crazier. I've said it before and I will say it again, your strength and perseverance is inspiring. I know that you just feel like you don't have any choice and are just doing what you have to, but it is way more than that. It is hard to imagine, but one day all of this will be over. The court case settled, one way or another. The kids will be situated into their lives. And you will be starting on the journey of the rest of your life. To live it in whatever fashion you like, answering only to yourself. Won't that be amazing? Considering everything that will happen over the course of your life, you are actually almost there. It may seem like this will never end, but it will!
To the tic tack UFOs, lol. You know me well! I have studied the UFO phenomenon for decades. I've read so many books, met so many people, been to so many conferences. So, to the recent congressional stuff, I say...meh. None of it is new to me. There have been Washington press conferences before where they tried to present information that should have changed things. Of course now we have social media and that could cause it to spread faster. But to now, people seem more interested in who the next Bachelor cast will be than the idea that we might be being visited by beings from another planet. As interesting as that congressional event was, I am not sure that it is going to change anything. But, it would be neat if eventually the public learned whatever it is that they are keeping secret. Because it is definitely something!
Good Morning Gerda
Oh my goodness, those goal posts keep getting moved back further and further. (((Hugs)))
A MLCer will use, and in the ugliest form of use, the legal system to foster their own misguided ends. They will threaten and/or take legal action, submit frivolous law suits, involve police, get restraining orders, and so on. Obviously each person is different and their perversion and twisting of the legal system will vary. My XW merely threaten me with calling the police, on New Year’s Day no less, if I did not immediately provide her with the last year Child Care income tax information from what was once our computer. Lol. The very first day of the new year. And income taxes aren’t due until April 30th, and forms aren’t even out at January 1.
However, your H is the epitome of this. He has threaten you, and twisted the legal system into so many knots, which you keep having to unravel. And he is on what, his third or fourth lawyer. Finally finding one that is willing to do and see things his way.
Overall, none of it has stuck. All these years and effort by H. And nothing. He is still racking up more on an already enormous legal bill, the house is still not sold, and he still hasn’t got equity from you or any sale. His motivations are deeply weird. An angry dog with a bone, he just won’t let go of his grudge or whatever is driving him.
Dust off my dear. See the new goal post placement. And keep moving forward.
This is only business, and your life is so much more than these wasteful efforts of H and his crew (GF, broker friend, etc.). Let your L deal with it, as much as you can. You continue to focus and live on more important things.
D
Gerda,
I am so sorry that you are still having to go through this ugly ordeal. No matter what you and your lawyer come up with, he will never be satisfied. It's time that someone find out just what his issue is with you and move on. Someone needs to ask him if he really wants to end the marriage or what his personal grudge is against you. I would like to know just what is going through his head.
It would cost you too much to just walk away, but I would be sorely tempted to walk away and just let him have the place....but at a fair price.
You and your daughter need to feel safe and secure in your home and I don't see this happening with all of the tension this man has and is continuing to create. Too bad you can't request a psych evaluation on him.
I think of you often and continue to pray for you and your family.
Dear Gerda,
Too crazy for words what is going on there. I pray for you that this nightmare may soon be over.
How are your children doing at the moment?
xxx
I have read a lot of your post and I feel horrible for you and your children. I pray u get some peace soon. Keep fighting the good fight, you are a strong woman.
BTW, I have removed your very first posting since you created your own thread for others to post to you there. JOB
Good morning LBS friends. I hope you are all doing well this holiday season. I am writing on behalf of Gerda to see if DnJ or Job could help her get access to her account again. She has tried PW resets and even to create a new account but nothing seems to be working. Is there anything you guys can do to help her get back in to post updates? Thank you for anything you can do!
Thanks for letting us know sjohns. I’ll look into it.
Gerda, don’t fret. I’m on the case! (Now where the heck is my green cape. lol)
D
Hello Gerda
This morning an email was sent to your address that’s on file with a temporary password. If you’ve changed your email address, or are still having problems, please contact MWD the site administrator: michele@divorcebusting.com.
Take care,
D
Hello there!
Thanks for helping DnJ! I hope you are doing fantastic in this new year!
I heard from Gerda that she never got a reset email. Obviously I can't see the back end of things, but it sounds as though the system is not generating emails properly. I think she said she even tried to create a new account and that didn't send her an email either. She mainly wants to log in and say hi to everyone, so its not super pressing but would be nice to log in for a quick post.
Take care,
S
Good Morning sj
I’ll speak with MWD and look into things. We’ll get this sorted out.
D
Good Morning Gerda
I’m glad we got the login issue all fixed up.
Hope you are doing well. How is the new year treating you? Son settled into college life? How is daughter? She driving yet?
Have a great day.
D
Gerda,
I hope that you and your family are doing well. Please let us know how you are doing. We miss you!
I just logged on after finally I got access from the Posting Mother of Us All, MWD! (That was kind of exciting to hear from her, even though I did not actually DB in the end! Still learned a lot from her.)
I logged on because I have to ask DnJ a heating question! But it's so very nice to hear from you, that is so sweet that you are checking in. I have so much news on the never-ending court nightmare, basically 4 millimeters forward and 3 millimeters back. But I have to tell you all about that later.
Love to you both first, heating second, catch up later --
DnJ, at the new place, I installed these Fahrenheat heaters, the hydronic ones, because I thought it was going to be an upgrade from the Dimplex we discussed long ago. They didn't seem to pump that much heat but the new place is so much better insulated that it felt pretty good in there. I also installed one of the Fahrenheat ones in my place because I am getting rid of all the propane heaters, no more oil in this world please! And I noticed it just doesn't seem to get the room warm. At the same time, I put the radiant heat barrier sheets under my place after watching a youtube video about this -- it's called, HOW TO INSULATE A CABIN FLOOR AND KEEP IT RODENT FREE if you want to check it out. It is miraculous and has helped a lot. (Also discovered that the beam holding up the cabin was CRACKED IN HALF so had to deal with that at the same time.)
I had my first renters at the new place and they complained that it was cold, and I thought they were just city slicker fools but then I had a friend stay and she measured the place at 50 degrees even with all the heaters on! This happened when it was 11 degrees outside, so I think these fahrenheat heaters are not good at least when it gets really cold out.
Do you know anything about it?
The Dimplex always has worked great, though its reviews on Ama%on are not great. But I am thinking of just ordering a few of those for now.
Also in the foyer and bathrooms, I tried these radiant panels for the ceiling, and they are actually working really well! I forget the brand but if you want to look them up, they are radiant heat ceiling panels. You have to put them behind the drywall so I can't start with that now.
Next year I will do the rebate for a mini split heater or radiant floor, since budget ran out before we could put in wood floors so I just painted the subfloor with deck paint and it looks great for now.
Hello Gerda
Hydronic or convection heaters both can heat a room. There are a few differences which I suspect you realize. The main one regarding lack of heat is the operating technology. Convection heaters are like a toaster, the element heats really hot and air rises through the fins and connects heat throughout the room.
Hydronic has a heating element within a tank of liquid which heats said liquid. The liquid is circulated through a finned tube where the heat is then radiated to the surrounding air, which convects and heats the room.
Hydronic heating “elements” are less hot to the touch than a convection heater. They also take a while to heat up to operating temperature and a while to cool down. In fact, the cooldown period is an often sales pitch of free heat; however one did pay for that heat in the initial heating phase. Anyhow, hydronic usually cycle less often and are utilized to maintain a more constant room heat.
As for room temperature being 50 degrees while only 11 outside; that sounds like an under sizing of heating requirements. The basic requirements for heating is 5 to 10 watts of heat for every one square foot of room (depending on insulation). A 100 sqft room (10x10) would require somewhere between 500W to 1000W of heat.
If the heaters’ circuit breakers were on, and the heaters functional, the room is likely underrated for heat. Investigate the room size and the total of heating (summated from the heaters name plate).
It is possible for the heater to be incorrectly installed. As in a 240V heater is wired 120V. In such a case, the heater only produces 1/4 of the rated output. Pretty unlikely I suspect, however thought I’d mention it. (By the way, a 120V heater wired 240V would produce four times the rated heat, and pretty much instantaneously blow up. Or trip the protective device(s).)
Radiant panels are pretty nice. They require a material - drywall, floorboard, slate, etc. - which the heater heats, which then heats the entire room. Cosy warm bathroom floor on bare feet is pretty sweet. I’ve not got such, however I’ve stay at a place with such. I felt rather spoiled stepping out of the shower onto heated slate. And loved it!
11 degrees outside, so I think these fahrenheat heaters are not good at least when it gets really cold out.
11 degrees. Really cold. Giggle.
It was -32 yesterday.
If you want to share your findings on room and heater sizes, I’d be interested. I’m also interested in the connected voltage. However, that is a hazardous undertaking so if not trained, please do not attempt! Start with nameplates and tape measure first and we can go further if nothing obvious stands out.
Looking forward to hearing about the 1mm (4mm forward, 3mm back) update.
Have a great day!
D
Oh gosh, I never even answered this, DnJ. HOW RUDE OF ME! I will soon, I did read it back then and then because of the worst baseboard heaters that basically spit out a tiny little breath of heat that dissipated within an instant in what we call cold and what you call balmy, I took the plunge to have the chimney fixed and put in a fireplace insert to get me through the winter without figuring out what really to do with the heating in general. I will have to revisit that issue in August. I'm always hoping I'll be divorced and not have to worry about my expenses being subpoened every ten minutes, but no matter what I do or don't do or try or don't try, I can't seem to get this guy to stop filing, motioning, threatening, etc., even though I was forced to settle the house with an insane overpayment. This is a long story that I will have to fill in later but overall it seems that this guy does not ever want to be done, he wants to keep finding new reasons to drag me back into court, and the current judge is so dreadful he has found an enabler. As ever, I will promise to respond/update and then have no time for another 6 months to actually do it.