I just registered so that I can join this community that I've benefited so much from over the last 2 months. My initial bomb drop was Feb 2023 and after 6 seemingly good (normal) months, a second bomb drop came in Sept 2023. This one was most serious and he couldn't be in the same room with me. Couldn't look at me. Wanted a divorce. My husband bought a house and moved out just before the holidays.
I did all the 'wrong' things (begging, pleading, angry outbursts, etc.) until I learned about existential crisis and midlife crisis ... or at least to the level/detail I've been reading about it since Feb 2024. It hurts - still! The heartache is pain that takes the breath away, that doesn't seem to clear easily, brings on legitimate panic attacks.
He asked for space and that was exactly what he needed. It's not what I wanted and it was a hard gift to grant him because I craved him, his attention, his voice, his embrace, joint dinners... But, with God's help, I have given his space and left him with God to guide. Neither one of us understood why he needed space but I can tell you in hindsight that we've both matured - it's emotional maturity that we observe in each other. Neither one of us is the same person we were a year ago.
In the midst of all this, I learned I had cancer in November. Somehow I no longer had germs that he avoided like the plague, but I was still not someone he could live with. Oddly, he was interested in taking me to cancer appts/surgery/treatments that continue still. The appts are frequent enough that we're able to keep a pulse on each other and sometimes we enjoy a meal together before he drops me off at 'our' home. And then he goes radio silent until the next appt. Before I read about crisis behavior, I would text or call in between doctor's visits but he would ghost me. Now I don't reach out because he's escaping and avoiding me - and I'm reminded that he asked for space.
Don't give up on your spouse is my advice to you. It's a long and hard road to travel, but only you know if your relationship is worth waiting for. Their confusion and fears tend to trickle into our lives, but only if we let them. We aren't confused as people but we are confused by their actions. Take the time to enjoy your daughter (yes, I know it's hard) and do the things that you haven't found the time to enjoy (yes, also hard to do when you want to return to the life you've enjoyed). Underneath that mask and monster is the same person you learned to love. If you believe in God, return to your faith and deepen your beliefs. I'll pray for you tonight.
