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MrP is spot on - MLCers are predictably unpredictable. An LBS interacting, especially intimate interacting, must maintain minimizing their expectations regarding their mixed up crisis spouse.
Originally Posted by jessieht
he has been helping around the house and being super kind over that last little bit of time. So later that night it all started again and I didnt stop it. He made sure and asked if I was sure I was ok with it which I appreciated. It was awkward because my mind was flashing with so many thoughts of good and bad. He sat on the edge of the bed clearly wanting to say something but stopped himself a few times. I didnt ask any questions. then he went to do other house stuff and went to bed in his bed and a little later I could hear him sniffling like he was crying. So I dont know if he just felt guilty or what. But now the last two days he is back to really withdrawn again. Is this normal.
Yep. Pretty normal behaviour for someone in crisis.
Remember, H is driven by his emotions. He felt better, was helpful around the house and kind. Felt close to you. Felt the old love. Initiated sex and even more importantly initiated intimacy. Being close to you.
And, emotions stirred within him again. Regrets, guilt, shame, and still the unresolved feelings of the past childhood events, all swirled within him, again. Albeit, less than bomb drop levels. There is forward progress after all. Where it all finishes is unknown, though I put H on a positive journey still.
His seeming to want to say something and then stopping himself; you are absolutely correct in that assessment and in how you handled it. Let him lead. H is on his path and on his timeline. Pressure, pushing for answers will propel H in the opposite direction. So, well done!
Don’t worry, H will bring it up when he feels safe. And don’t take it personally, H’s fear and feelings are his, and not because of you. It’s all part of his growth and healing.
Originally Posted by jessieht
Should I have said no? I am not sure of anything any more.
You are doing fine.
Sex. Cake eating. Like most things it’s not black and white, it’s gray. And it’s situation specific.
Like everything here, you are first and foremost. In that, when first starting out, and not well detached and such, cake eating and alike is off the table. In time, and in some situations, cake eating becomes less so. It’s the disrespectfulness of it, more than the deed. If that makes sense.
Sex is pleasurable. It’s ok to enjoy it. It can also form and reinforce a bond.
Of course, OW is still in the picture. To what extent, I’m not sure. Breaking up is hard. However, you seem ok with the activities between H and you. Like I said, situation specific, some situations are wildly high risk - STDs for example.
Lots of MLCers will not let go of a branch until they have another one. That would include a possible returning. Jilting H’s advancements would likely not be beneficial to your goals. Likely-wise, definitely do not be used. As I said, you are first and foremost. If you want and enjoy H’s intimate company and he is not using you, it’s ok.
Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. And ensure you do with you, your health, your welfare - emotional, physical, spiritual - in mind first!
Keep a handle on your expectations and/or reading too much into H if/when you continue to be intimate. Right now, where H is at, such closeness holds different meaning to H than it does you.
It’s very common for the MLCer to make forward progress, to peek out of the tunnel, to get scared or such, and retreat back in to their crisis tunnel. Each time they emerge, especially without reprisals and judgement from the LBS, their retreat lasts less and less. Eventually, hopefully, being able to exit their consuming torment permanently.
Your part, is like you are doing. Upholding boundaries on disrespectful behaviour. Being kind and cordial. Living and loving your life. And letting H run to catch up.
You are the prize. You are the lighthouse. You are the leader, the living example. Let him pursue you. Let him become worthy of you.
