Congratulations on finding a place and getting moved in. A good step in getting your feet under yourself again and regaining your center and balance.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
its the first time ive been alone since 2001. ive been crying since i dropped her off im hurting so bad i feel so alone right now. i dont miss my wife i miss my family.
It’s perfectly normal and ok to miss your family. Seperating, divorce, breaking up, is a huge upheaval in your lives. It’s going to take time to get through this. Be gentle with yourself and keeping moving forward. It’s a slog, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
There is a difference between living alone and feeling lonely. A person can feel utterly alone while in a room full of people. Conversely, a person can feel fulfilled while by themselves. (There is an interesting peace in solitude, by the way.) Being alone and being lonely are not tied together.
Yes, you need to grieve the loss of the “old” family unit. And it’s a painful process. A strategy that works pretty well is to schedule time to grieve. You cannot speed up the grief, it will take as long as it takes. However, you can schedule more convenient times to feel/explore your sorrow and hurt.
Example, give yourself ten minutes in the morning to feel, cry, and such. Then when the alarm goes off - yes, set an actual alarm - wipe your eyes and get on with your day. Schedule a few “safe and convenient” times throughout the day for this purposefully feeling. Maybe during coffee break and lunch. In time, the amount of scheduled time and number of times per day is reduced, eventually reaching zero “needed” times.
You have plenty of feelings to process, and do not want to get lost wallowing in sorrow and suffering. Scheduling does help.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
my daughter told me during the week that she worries that im going to commit suicide because im all alone. ive tried to hide my pain from her but even at 11 she is incredibly intuitive. i assured her that i would never do that and leave her without a dad.
I am glad to see your daughter is open and sharing her feelings and concerns with you. That is excellent.
Suicide is a difficult topic. However, it’s not only us LBS that wonder about it. Kids also explore feelings of suicide. It’s normal and common to feel those fleeting moments of “how could I end this horrible pain?”. Usually that’s it, an imagined course with said outcome, and one gets such notations out of their mind. D11 demonstrates high empathy bring this up to you. Smart kid!
A suggestion: Do not dismiss her concern. Certainly reassure her of your commitment to remain around. And, age appropriately, you can discuss how hurt you are too. You need not “try” to hide all your pain. Knowing you hurt and feel, like she does, is pretty beneficial for her.
Of course, be her rock. You are the parent. Demonstrate how to be. How to get through such adversity that life throws one’s way. Of course, we don’t have all those answers at the start, yet we demonstrate focusing on self, moving forward, GAL, detaching, letting go, understanding control, and so on. Believe me, those life lessons do not go unnoticed by our kids. Be her living example.
You are lucky to have a daughter who brings up such topics. Breaking the ice is often the most difficult step. Be open, honest, age appropriate, and discuss things with her. Let her lead where the conversation goes. Lots of times, kids bring stuff up because they have something else or something deeper they actually want to talk about. That’s my point about not dismissing her concerns about you, as much as it is valid, it is also likely a method to get to another topic she wants to discuss.
Ah breaking the ice, a few interesting conversation between my daughter and I, with a Mom who is out of the picture: tampons, dating, birth control, breaking up. Trust me, kids are more embarrassed and fretful to bring up such topics than we are.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
it was really tuff because i had my daughter for spring break and we spent most of the week moving and unpacking i feel bad because i didnt get to spend quality time with her.
You might be surprised at what is truly quality time for daughter.
My kids bring up meaningful moments of their youth. Times when they were helping me fix the house or building grandma’s and grandpa’s house. Sitting around a backyard campfire, eating marshmallows. Playing in the bushing, climbing trees. Going to the garbage dump with me. Specific episodes that I cannot recall with the clarity they have it locked in their memories.
For your daughter, spending time with dear Dad, doing stuff, even moving to a new place, means the world to her. Granted, it may take a few years before she realizes or can even articulate that. After all, the “why” of things takes time to develop.
Quality time. The big part of that is the time. Spending time, investing your time in her, is what makes it quality. Not what you do.
Moving, a rather significant time in her life too. And she was part of it. Thank her. Ensure you let her know how much you appreciated her help. It will mean more to her than she is currently able to express.
