This post should have been written months ago. Many reasons why not, some peculiar to me, many for the reasons often discussed here - fear, inertia, etc...

Why now? I’m not sure but to let it out perhaps. I tend to be very self-contained. Or maybe so others can read, just like I have been to others stories, and not feel alone like I did at first. I forget when I found this forum while googling for answers. Likely around DB2. The regulars through the years, the welcome post resources, Sandi’s rules, etc… have truly been a lifesaver to my heart and mind and soul as I read, synthesize, and internalize. Though I’m not the type to ever physically self-harm, I now understand, to the core of my being, exactly why men suicide. Alternatively, for me it was a possibility there would just be a shell left on this earth with my name, but “I” wouldn’t be present in any real sense.

Bitter ashes, Grief, ... ... Gratitude
Grief, Bitter Ashes, Gratitude
Grief, Gratitude, Bitter Ashes

Right now? making moving myself along the journey. I am a better man almost a year later. I will continue.

Gratitude, Grief, ... ... Bitter Ashes

Though still, almost a year later, every day at random times it feels like a mountain fell on me. I can't breathe, can't see, can't think, my hands shake, I feel flattened to nothingness and tears fall ... and then the world starts again. Talking with my father and his experiences with hurt and failure - he described it as the world goes black and you can see no way out of the darkness. Then eventually you see bits of light that offer hope for the future.

I deliberated on naming myself Grief or Gratitude or now Grok as I always seem to seek understanding before I can react or process. (from Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land") Now perhaps I will just be G, as I am all three at the same time. I hadn't ever understood that you could feel multiple opposing emotions like this.

I wondered where my anger was for a long time. W did ask me early on if I was angry and hated her. No, I find it difficult to hate, I am a calm and collected person by nature and don't anger easily. Perhaps a suppression from childhood when I figured out with my intellect and capacity, I could really wreak harm to all around if I did not stay controlled. I knew where my anger was residing after coming across this quote, for I can see all the wonderful branching futures closed off and deleted as she chooses divorce rather than healing a family, and that loss grieves me to the core of my soul. Anger resides in a WTF of grief for me.

“I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.” ― C.S. Lewis

Nov 2022 –
W: H, we have to talk. I’m not feeling “in love” the way we should be and used to. I feel attracted and a connection to a man at S12’s athletics (also one of D18's bosses at her work).
G: Always rational me - OK W, this is troubling but seems part of the normal troubles in marriages by the 20 year mark. The burdens of life leave not enough US connection time and all of us will eventually come across people we connect with during life. What shall we do about it? I’m at a loss since you schedule the family busy for 6.5 days of the week and have given you all excess budget and it is all spent, admittedly on good things. … tears as I felt helpless on what to do with beloved who is obviously unhappy. In retrospect, I was not very knowledgeable on female communication patterns and male / female dynamics.

Christmas 2022 -
Travel to see her family and my family in other states. Because of pet care etc..., me + kids for ~ a week at my parents and then fly her in for a combined ~ a week at her family. W seems grumpy and irritated. W doesn't seem to want to be close. I don't understand. But I am patient and await when she can say. I saw, but didn't understand the effect of seeing her parents bicker. One of several MLC triggers.

End of March 2023 -
The night of infamy. PTSD generator. In house separation begins. ILYBINILWY

W: We have to separate. I have "feelings" for another man. We haven't been maintaining our relationship and I feel like roommates. My heart is hard and I don't think you can reach me anymore. My feelings are REAL!!
G: I can't sleep at all. Up at before dawn, go walking in a local preserve. She is suddenly so cold, walled off, and dressing as such. Pray, write, think, in shock... come home after walking around until evening. Awake for ~40 hours.
DB1, Day after Easter, April 2023 -
W: I want a divorce. "I have to burn it all down and start over." I thought it would be not right to do this on Easter.
G: I don't and don't agree with any of this in dealing with our problems. I will not deny you agency in any way however and will not obstruct you.

DB1 rescinded, May 2023 -
Still in a tail spin, trying to orient and right myself. I had found a web site/guy who had a program to help men in separations. It was very helpful in focusing me on what I can control along with dos and don’ts that align with DB principles. I thought for a while this is what I was dealing with, a WAW, since that was how W described herself. I had been posting a song daily to FB representing something I felt meaningful to me. I had kept it mostly about me and not blame or provoking anger. Almost no one else knew at this point. This day though I was cranky and publicly posted a song link and lyrics on the way to work:

Watching the mistakes go down
Something inspires the things I do yeah

You left me here face down
Spilling blood on the higher ground

I get a call just before passing through vehicle entry security on the way to work. W: What are you doing? Our parents don't even know. I'll take it back. I'll not divorce you. G: Um, What?! We'll talk about this later. After a few weeks she demands her own place to live, but no divorce. I agree in the interests of giving time and space.

At the same time, finding out more about OM, both what she is telling me and yes, snooping. Crazy enough, I was just about the person she felt she could tell about what she was doing and experiencing! The experts here are right about snooping. Generally don't do it. The pain of seeing that dialog about me and our life distorted to someone else.... It did clarify what she was NOT telling me. She never directly lied though.

OM is -
- Married for 5 years
- Has a 2 yr old and a newborn now
- Is one of D18's bosses (for swim lessons she teaches)
- Is part of what was S12's sports (swim)
- They had constructed plans of how to leave their families
- W refused a PA, but doesn't believe an EA is a real thing, though in the middle of one.
- OM did something with her phone so he can see the messages when she texts herself. OM replies by modifying her Spotify playlists, anon replies on social media platforms, etc... trying to be hidden and non-attributable. She accepts this as well and good so OM can see how genuine she is... W: "Oh, he's just protecting his family" WTF?! He's wonderful for putting all risk on you? From my line of work, I know you cannot hide this from even a limited forensic analysis. Four separate acquaintances, including IC and ex-FBI agent, independently described this as a control mechanism.

DB2 6/2023 -
In the process of taking a hard look at myself and her accusations and hurts (I was still taking them very literally at this point. I have had so much trust in her judgements and opinions, it is very difficult to detach and look from outside.) I told the pastor of my church I needed help. I went to meet him and told him little of the things W had said to me, but that I needed to renew myself as I was in a rut and in trouble. After the meeting I walk out into the parking lot to find W parked there also.

W: What are you doing here?!
G: Well, I considered what you said and decided I will work on my spiritual aspects as I have been slacking for some years.
W: What did you tell him about me?!
G: Very little, but some since this crisis is revolving around you. My conversation with him was focused on me and where I'm at. I can do something about me and he will help.
W: Oh! OM told me not to be mad when I came over here.
G: Um, right. Lets talk about this...
After a long conversation about us, W devolves into talking about OM's wonderful qualities, realizes what she is doing.
W: Oh G! I can't do this anymore. I love HIM!
W: I will be the villain to everyone. The children will take your side and won't understand. My brother will never speak to me again. My parents like you, not me. No church in their right mind will accept what I am doing. I HAVE to do it like crossing the invisible bridge by Indiana Jones for the Holy Grail.

Weeks later -
It really sinks in I have a WW, not just a WAW. The EA has given her the out for the WAW feelings she had. I wonder if she really wanted me to be the bad guy and reject her/divorce her to give her the freedom she believes she wants. The Christian values we had shared would not allow divorce for the reasons she has given so far. Repair of relationships would be demanded. M suicide by EA?

G: I am not your enemy. Don't let this be a legal fight and the state determine outcomes. I give zero support to divorce, but I will not block you. I will not restrict your access or contact to our children.

Mediation 1 8/2023 -
Mediator: W, you are still living in the same home?!
WW: Yes
Mediator: G, do you feel comfortable with this?!
G: No. (this was a reply on gut instinct and not thought out)
Afterwards I told W directly, "Any complaints you have directly with me are fine. I will take them and you may stay here. But you have brough another man into MY HOME even virtually. That is incredibly disrespectful and I am not OK with it."

Vacation 9/2023 -
As my workplace is transitioning support contracts, I must take my accumulated leave or will lose all leave. Instead of the annual trips to see family around Christmas, I take the three kids and me to the other side of the USA to see my family for about two weeks. WW drops us off at the airport and unexpectedly gave me a hug. First contact since separation. She feels thin. Has lost a ton of weight. She had been trying to shed it for 10+ years without success until now. The "why now" bugs me. I feel odd and don't know what to make of it. Try to keep to my no expectations and attach no meaning. Adventures galore with parents and hang with my two sisters who have been my touchstone rocks while I work through this. I don't message or contact WW. Head feels more clear.

After return, each day, I post on FB pictures and the adventure we had with my family. This is the first time WW can see what we were doing. I discover the home in some disarray with dog poop on the floor where she didn't bother to clean it up. She asks me to take a drive with her before the next mediation session.

WW: G, you know I've been feeling in a bad place. If I wasn't around anymore everyone wouldn't feel so bad. Not that I would ever do that. Everyone’s emotions are too much for me.
G: That sounds very hard.

I check bills and credit cards and discover WW spent an $7,000+ more than normal in little chunks all over the place. I ask for joint cards back and take her off bank accounts. I pull from emergency accounts to pay overages. WW: Fine. It's time anyway.

She moves out 10/2023 -
WW: unexpectedly via text "G, I'm staying at the local state campground X in a tent until I find a place to live. I'll come back during the day to see the kids"
G: "you will do as you chose. sleep well, and stay safe"

She finds a place 11/2023
WW has been texting me properties and land for many months now. Never a clear direction. Wobbling all over the place. I had promised early on to pull from investment accounts to pay for any affordable place. The cost would come from her side of any settlement. She figures out finally she has no job so can get no loan. To be clear, she has a masters degree, is working on a second masters degree and could make as much as me if she chose that life style. I'm not helping as I said early on "if you chose this, I will not be some sort of half-husband to you." Finally, without warning...

WW: G, I need $20,000 on this property three days from now. I decided on this Fifth Wheel RV with only $600/month lot rent as my temporary housing. It even has a shed. Yay!
G: Um, $20k completed wire transfer in three days?! We don't keep that kind of cash around. Typically, 3 days to sell some investment and another 3 days to transfer funds if you are lucky. Let me think.
WW: Oh, I didn't think about how it would work. I might lose me $3,000 deposit! That is my foolishness (hands shaking). I don't have any money left. I spent the $8,000 my parents left me. No one is giving me dog walking jobs on Rover like they claim!
I did get it done by taping a home equity line of credit I had established.

Thanksgiving 2023 -
The kids and I whip up a great feast. We plan and cook together. We are starting to bond as our own unit. At the end of the prep S12 says "when is mommy going to come? I asked her and she said it is up to you daddy." I hadn't said a thing to WW.

G: S12, tell your mom she is welcome at XX o'clock

I do this for my children. I was calm and respectful. I asked the blessings on all of us as we need it and gave thanks for all the good things in our lives. I went for a walk by myself later to feel crushed and shake for an hour.

Christmas 2023
Her parents come out to our state in their RV. They visit and help her some. They refuse to give what she thought was her inheritance money. Her RV need work as I don't think she had a good inspection done as I suggested she do. She continues to intermittently come over most weekdays to be with kids as I had agreed to. First snoop in a long time finds "I am going over weekdays to make sure the kids don't feel like I abandoned them." Her parents and I get along well and they come over many days to visit with kids and me, play games, etc... Whenever they propose an event with WW also, I have plans. We all go out together to a hibachi grill once before they leave in Jan (WW included). Her and her parents had Christmas Eve at their RV with the children. I had Christmas morning and day with my children. It was a good day. I had enjoyed taking each one on trips to buy the gifts for each other and select “Santa” gifts for each other.

January 2024
Now? Routines with running a household and three kids alone takes a lot more out of me. I have discarded most entertainment habits I use to have, and it is to my and the children’s benefit. WW comes over most weekdays while I am gone for between 1 - 5 hrs to educate and visit D17 and S12 as we have homeschooled always. This put a real wrinkle in our futures, but I agreed for it to continue as it has been very good for the children. WW doesn't seem to do anything besides scroll social media on her phone/laptop or work some kids education while she is there. I suspect looking for secret OM contact or emotional fix. I installed a doorbell cam and a couple indoor cams to check up on kids since I am not there and she is often not either. I think that made her mad several times. Now I just am bemused at her occasional upset. I’ve had some of the NG habits that I am shedding slowly.

More to the back story and future story to come in other posts.

H:54 W:50
D18, D17, S12
ILYBINILWY 3/2023
DB1 4/2023
DB1 rescinded (WW: "I know it's wrong") 5/2023
DB2 (WW: "I can't do this, I Love HIM") 6/2023
G: I am not your enemy. Don't let this be a legal fight and the state determine outcomes.
Legal Mediation 1-4 8/2023 – 2/2024
Draft settlement 3/2024