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Big Relationship change “I have been thinking about my future and what I want long-term, the kind of man I want to be with for life and to start a family with. Here is what he will look like: He will be loving, smart, fun, and someone I connect well with, and he'll have my same values. Also, he will be responsible, will think about the future, will be going somewhere, and will be a good provider. He will take care of the basic things, like being financially responsible and normal things that adults do. That is what I am looking for and that is the kind of person I will be with. Right now, that is not you. I love you, and I want that person to be you, but right now, it is not. So I can't see a future together as things are now. But I am going to give you a choice: you get to decide whether or nor you want to be that person. If you do, and you become that kind of person and prove it to me long enough that I really can believe it, I would love to be with you. But it is up to you whether or not that is who you want to be and whether or not you want to be with me. It is your decision."
If you were to say those words to her... they would currently fall on deaf ears. She is not able to have emotionally mature conversations. Even if she agrees - change is unlikely to follow.
M - All three of my serious partners have had addiction issues. Today - all 3 of them of sober. And as much as I wish it was something I said or did - ultimately they all hit their form of rock bottom. They had to get so tired of being that way - THEY decided to choose something different. All i had to do...was get out of their way. Stop the enabling and let them fall... fast and hard. Easier said than done for sure (it actually took me a few times to learn this lesson...lol) but it is the most loving thing you can do for your wife. And it's the only way there is a possibility for change.
The hard truth M is that you enable your w. Whether that's for your kids, or for your sanity.. there is a part you play in the story.
Please know it comes with no judgement. Living with an alcoholic is miserable. Up until now - you have been doing the best you can with the tools you have... but M - it's time to learn new tools.
If you want a big relationship change - you can't say anything to her... but you can show her the change.
For example: Step back for a minute... detach from the fact this woman is your wife and the mother of your kids.
Would you let an alcoholic go places with your kids in the car knowing that there is a possibility she could drive home drunk with them?? My guess is not
Would you let you children be around an alcoholic who acts like a complete idiot when drunk. Calling you names and belittling you and just exposing them to that chaos? My guess is not.
Would you give money to alcoholic who makes excuses to why they can't show up and adult properly? My guess is not
M - none of these things require a sit down conversation with your w. They require some d@mn firm boundaries. And I won't lie - if things are gonna get better... they will get a h3ll of alot worse first.
Enough conversations. Enough words. It's time for actions. You got this.
