I agree STBXH is still baking, still has a ways to go. His crisis, his timeline. I do hope he finds his way.
Originally Posted by MA1970
We met the other week & he was crying saying he feels he has nothing to show for the past 27 years and that he's stepped back in time (he's living in a studio flat, unfurnished, sleeping on a mattress). When we met, his circumstances were similar.
It is amazing how they recreate their past, how they time travel. Needing to grow up from back when they were emotionally stunted.
My XW did the same thing as from when she was 18 - recreating her exodus from her parents. Even forgetting her purse - again. Running off with her boyfriend, living that sought freedom of a teenager. Pretty wild stuff. Of course, the original time, decades ago, I was the boyfriend.
Congratulations on the weight loss. And for keeping it off. My divorce diet had me traumatically shed a bunch of pounds from my pre-BD of 225lbs down to 170lbs ish. I bounced back up to 190, and have managed to remain mostly around there. My hair is not bouncing back. lol.
Let go the rope, or be dragged. Yes, that is a difficult lesson. Applicable to plenty beyond our situations here.
Originally Posted by MA1970
It's a funny thing because a year ago, all I wanted was for him to be as he is now. I actually think I would prefer him to still be with AP because I'd know he was OK. I hate to see him suffering…
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'm on speaking terms with STBXH & we've met, discussed what happened and I've shared a few truth bombs. I've not shared anywhere near the amount of hurt he has caused because I don't think he could take it. He's so ashamed at what he's done.
Absolutely, he could not take it.
I understand you almost preferring he was still with AP.
Some advice, well reiterating some previous advice (which I believe you are doing): Let him walk his path. Do not manipulate his path or journey. STBXH needs to feel his pains, needs to find his way. Anything you do in attempt to speed or steer would be at best - neutral, more likely will stall him, and at worst derail him.
Also, manipulation burdens, unwittingly burdens, one with responsibility of outcome. You definitely do not want his progress/outcome upon your shoulders.
Perfectly fine to be on speaking terms with him. Even supportive and encouraging, kind and cordial. You can see how broken he is.
You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
Wonderful hearing from you. Hoping you have a great weekend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you DnJ, Kind & Rock, you've all been a big part of this journey.
DnJ - once again you are so wise. It's taken me a few days to reply because I've had a few more days of craziness. This happens infrequently now but is generally connected with when he goes back to pursuing the OW. Your perception & understanding is unreal DnJ. I met STBX a few days ago. He was regretful, insightful, thoughtful & I had a message on the night telling me how worthless he was etc. I was hooked back in quickly & jumped in with kind words to try & make him feel better. A few messages down the line, he was asking me when the money would come through for the buy out & that he thought it would be easier on me if this happened before the divorce was finalised!! My son then informed me STBX had changed his profile pic to one of him & the original OW. Sigh!!! More twists!! Took me a day before I unhooked myself. It was never about wanting him back, it was about how he makes me feel worthless & that our marriage meant nothing to him. I know this isn't the case. He's still in the fog, still a teenager & still confused. I'm not convinced he'll be able to do the inner child work & it doesn't matter to me. I will continue to be kind and forgiving but will also watch out for getting hooked in to caring for him. As my lovely friends & family point out, he knows my weaknesses & knows what to say that activates the caring side of me. I just need to get better at spotting it earlier!
Rock - My GAL activities are on track! I walk 4 x per week, I have always been a family cook but am practicing cooking more adult social recipes. I have my girlfriends round at least once a month where I attempt my social cooking. I've joined a singing group & am having private singing lessons with the aim of being able to belt out a karaoke tune by the end of the year! I have a girls holiday booked in Europe in May, a family holiday with mum & dad, sister, kids etc in July & a holiday to Dubai with my daughter in August. My son is volunteering football coaching in an Italian school for a month in the summer & I'm going to solo travel to spend a few evenings with him. I continue to work on my independent confidence and am feeling good. Hope all is well for you too
Oh Ma so awesome to hear from you! You are absolutely killing it girl!!! So proud of you and love your update. Maybe I should do the same although not a huge amount to update on here MLC really is not much fun. These people really are lost
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
It's a funny thing because a year ago, all I wanted was for him to be as he is now. I actually think I would prefer him to still be with AP because I'd know he was OK. I hate to see him suffering but equally, I've learned that our relationship wasn't the perfect relationship I thought it was. We were completely codependent. I mothered him, he didn't take on any responsibility & was dependent on me for most things. On my part, I felt adored (until I wasn't!) & was willing to put up with a banal existence because I felt safe & secure (meanwhile resentment was breeding on both sides).
This hits home with me. I'm far enough out that I can see how I indulged her in some positive ways (loving and accepting her despite her feeling inadequate due to her many years of obesity) and some negative ones (indulging her blatant fiscal irresponsibility, despite giving her chance after chance to improve). I got the adoration in return too, which felt great until it stopped, and I passively accepted that she had two jobs that were bring prioritized over me. I think not dealing with that was a mistake on my part, although if I had complained she probably would have said I was too controlling.
So glad to hear you're moving forward on all fronts, MA. Hopefully not being pulled around by him and his drama will be a relief to you. All blessings going forward.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
MA, I spent some time reading up on your story today and am astonished on so many levels. My initial BD was around the time of yours - Feb 2023. But, I had no idea that this was a MLC until Feb 2024. I did many things wrong in that year and suffered many tears of confusion, anger, disbelief, etc. As I read through your year, it is so very different from mine. The only window of crazy monstering was from Aug to Oct. There were tough arguments, sadness and discontentment before Aug and then after Oct but not red flag monstering - just marriage issues that we work through. For me, the tough thing is that he runs. Abandoned house, kids, me a month after BD2 and quickly bought a house down the road. H calls that house 'home' and it triggers me. I'm working on that.
I am so sorry to hear how much your H monsters and am impressed how you don't get sucked back into his emotions when in the moment. I am weak in comparison to you. And, still question if abandoning H is the right approach. H's family isn't all too engaged or actively concerned.
A comment that caught my eye in your post is, "We met the other week & he was crying saying he feels he has nothing to show for the past 27 years and that he's stepped back in time (he's living in a studio flat, unfurnished, sleeping on a mattress). When we met, his circumstances were similar. I was the wage earner & we lived a good life, nice house, nice holidays etc. I think this was also a trigger for his MLC." Like you, I saved H financially and emotionally some 32 years ago We've lived a co-dependent life but unlike your H, my H contributed to the house and family. H cleaned, picked up, organized, coached, cooked, mowed. He would gaslight and walk away from conflict, but as a whole our co-dependent relationship did run a house and kept the family afloat through busy child rearing days. Interestingly, as I reflect, he didnt do much parenting - that was all on me. My question is: Why do you think that you providing for him triggered the MLC? My H is struggling financially now too, doesn't contribute to 'our' home and has spewed that I make more than he does and he's struggling to pay bills. First, I don't know how to respond to such commentary, but secondly, I'd be interested in learning why you think saving him and financially providing for him could have triggered MLC.
Stay strong - your ability to manage him and your situation is impressive. I don't know that I'd be as strong.
H:49 M:49 M:26; T:32 D21; S23 BD1: Feb 2023 DB2: Sept 2023 Moved out: Dec 2023
Hi MamaG Sorry for the late reply. I'm not on here much these days. I'll try to answer your questions but have forgotten how to do the quotes (DnJ told me many times!).
Firstly, please don't call yourself names like "I'm weak". You sound like an incredibly strong woman & no matter how we respond to things, what we go through as the LBS is horrendous. We become a fraction of ourselves and then have to make a choice to do something differently. I may have got there a little quicker than you (or not) but it really wasn't easy. I work as a behavioural psychotherapist so arguably I had a bit more to draw on than others.
I think your question was about why I thought the difference in income/jobs was a trigger to MLC? Reflecting back, I still stand by this statement but think it was a whole load of other stuff too. The reason why, is that H never had high levels of self esteem. He could have gone further in his career but he was avoidant fearing failure. He went through a period of spoiling us all many years ago & incurred a lot of debt to do this. As such, he ended up on a debt consolidation scheme, which further confounded failure thoughts. The more I paid for, the more it made him feel bad, he would withdraw, I would become resentful & withdraw intimacy, he didn't feel loved further strengthening his negative beliefs about himself. It was a perfect storm on the night he began his affair. He'd argued with both me and the kids, went on a works night out and it was the night his national football team lost in the world cup. The AP knew we were married but came on to him and he went for it. He's since confirmed all of this, stating he always thoight I could do better than him and never fully invested always expecting that I would leave. The rest is fairly predictable.
My decree absolute (final divorce) came through this month & I've cried a fair bit, grieving for what my life should have been, but on the whole I'm good. H is showing tiny (inconsistent) steps that he's moving forwards & hes been in therapy for about 6 months now. Him and the AP are over, he's said he wants me back but I don't want him anymore. I still care deeply about his welfare but he needs to do the work and move in a different direction to me. He's still not really seeing much of the kids & my eldest is super angry at him (I think the divorce released a lot of held in emotion). His focus is still on being cared for and not necessarily caring for others ie kids!
I'll take time to read your story MamaG but please don't despair and make sure you are showing yourself kindness. This stuff is really tough. I'm not through it yet but seem to be stable and holding my own thanks to the amazing advice and guidance I received on here. Please feel free to ask anything, I won't necessarily have the answer but am happy to share any aspect of my story if it can help a tiny bit for someone else.
