Eagle, thank you for your update and for letting us all know more about where you are in all of this.
I think it's easy to get caught trying to figure out where the other person is, but that's not important. What IS important is where we are, where we've been, and where we're headed.
It's taken me a very long time to come to the realization that it's a blessing I'm no longer married to my exh, and no longer have to live with his demons. It's taken even longer to be able to admit that, openly.
In many ways my life is a lot harder now but it's also a lot more peaceful. I wish the same ongoing peace and discovery for you and everyone else who finds themselves here.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hello! I am not sure if we have chatted before, but I have read your updates from time to time. Your situation sounds difficult to navigate, but you seem to be doing really well considering all that has happened.
I wanted to echo what a few others have said. I do think it is important to take a step back while G goes through the things he is going through. DnJ pointed out all the reasons why some of what G is saying is good. It shows growth and movement. And the fact that he said that he is lucky to have you in his life, that is good! But, he is still in it. He hasn't completed his journey through the tunnel. If you remain hyper focused on analyzing where he is at in his journey, it is only going to negatively impact you. I think a good thing to remember is that YOU have remained the responsible partner in your marriage this entire time. YOU have worried about how you treat him this entire time. You have stayed the loyal wife and mother this entire time. He has not done these things for you. YOU are the prize! YOU are the one that deserves someone showing you by way of words and actions that the love and strength you have shown are worth fighting for. If it is anything less than that, it is less than you deserve. G may come around and be capable of that at some point, but he is focused on himself right now, and I challenge you to do the same. You are worth it! And when you feel better about yourself, it helps you in caring for the children. They need at least 1 sane adult to be their parent, and you can do that easier if you are focused on them and yourself. If G comes around at some point and wants to be an active member of the family again and fix things between you, then you can cross that bridge when he stumbles over to it.
It's taken me a very long time to come to the realization that it's a blessing I'm no longer married to my exh, and no longer have to live with his demons. It's taken even longer to be able to admit that, openly. In many ways my life is a lot harder now but it's also a lot more peaceful. I wish the same ongoing peace and discovery for you and everyone else who finds themselves here.
Thank you bttrfly. I'm happy for you to finally reach that stage and I wish you a blessed, peaceful and fullfilling future.
Originally Posted by sjohns6
Hello! I am not sure if we have chatted before, but I have read your updates from time to time. Your situation sounds difficult to navigate, but you seem to be doing really well considering all that has happened. I wanted to echo what a few others have said. I do think it is important to take a step back while G goes through the things he is going through. DnJ pointed out all the reasons why some of what G is saying is good. It shows growth and movement. And the fact that he said that he is lucky to have you in his life, that is good! But, he is still in it. He hasn't completed his journey through the tunnel. If you remain hyper focused on analyzing where he is at in his journey, it is only going to negatively impact you. I think a good thing to remember is that YOU have remained the responsible partner in your marriage this entire time. YOU have worried about how you treat him this entire time. You have stayed the loyal wife and mother this entire time. He has not done these things for you. YOU are the prize! YOU are the one that deserves someone showing you by way of words and actions that the love and strength you have shown are worth fighting for. If it is anything less than that, it is less than you deserve. G may come around and be capable of that at some point, but he is focused on himself right now, and I challenge you to do the same. You are worth it! And when you feel better about yourself, it helps you in caring for the children. They need at least 1 sane adult to be their parent, and you can do that easier if you are focused on them and yourself. If G comes around at some point and wants to be an active member of the family again and fix things between you, then you can cross that bridge when he stumbles over to it.
Dear sjohn,
So nice to meet you. We indeed haven't chatted before so thank you for sharing the above because I know you are spot on. It is only, when you are caught in the middle, that it is sometimes hard to navigate through it. EXH is very depended, but then he struggles again and pushes me away. It doesn't take long to get over it, but still, each time it takes me some days whereby I feel angry and sad.
Short recap of the past days.
As I already mentioned in my previous thread EXH is distancing himself again and I caught him lying about a trip he did to the other country to see OW2 and child. I confronted him and he admitted that he stayed over at her place, claims to not be in R with her (slept in the spare room), but seen the past I know better. So after more than one year of reconnection we are back to zero. He also invited her for 10 days in his home next week so she will be in my and our childrens area and he didn't even tell them yet she is coming over. Also, only a handfull of people know he has another child and there she will be, with the possibily of walking into relatives, friends etc. that don't have a clue.
So I made it clear to him that I can't be his friend anymore in these circumstances. I was also very clear to him that he can't simply play with the people that love him the most, are always there for him, and then throw them away again like dirt. His answer was that he is well aware of the poison he is to the people he loves the most and that this is not a fun thought and that he is sorry for that. I couldn't help but saying that he is the only one with the power to change his behavior, and if he would want to do something about it he could definitely to that.
The main reason for his behavior is the little child. This is a new love in his life whereby he doesn't have a past with, can not judge him since too little, and for him this is an escape again, his running behavior has found a new purpose. OW2 doesn't have any money so he uses her (and she uses him) to allow this child to be more in his life.
His Father is very afraid to where this will lead again and I can't blame him, since there is a small innocent child involved and the concequences can lead to very difficult situations.
I on the other hand let go, I can't be in the middle of this, I have to protect myself and our children.
My intentions to let go completely worked out smoothly. The first two days were a bit more difficult to give everything a place again and to realise that his replay period is actually still not over (although I was pretty much sure of that this time) but that too found a place quickly.
He has contacted me a lot in the last week, with very mixed messages (sometimes angry, sometimes apologetic), the realisation that he has no control over me drives him crazy, but I have responded very firmly, and for two days in a row I haven't received anything anymore so he leaves me alone for now. We will see what the future brings.
I had a very good conversation with his father and he is more and more convinced that there is more to it. He told me that he can compare EXH to how he was before he was in R with me. Throughout his childhood, EXH has been a very difficult child, teenager and young adult, this ideed due to certain trauma's. He is convinced he is a narcissist, which is why I had to think about kml, who, if I remember correctly, had also come to the conclusion that her EXH actually always had it in him but was able to hide it for a long time.
FIL is convinced that this is the case. That he was able to suppress it for years because of the stability he had with his work and with me. At some point, the work fell away and he lost it, and this way his narcissism once again took a strong hold.
What it ultimately is, I guess the future will tell.
Meanwhile, the children are aware that their little half-brother will be around for the next period and the three of them have decided they want to meet him. They did make it very clear that they do not want to do this at EXH's house, as OW2 is also there, so I suggested doing it here at my house so that they can at least get acquainted in a for them stable and familiar environment and not simply somewhere random. However, I am still in doubt if I will be there. I have absolutely no problem meeting the little boy, I have given that a place already a long time but I don't know if it is "necessary" for me to be there. After all, I have nothing to do with that, but I would do it for the children if they feel it should be necessary.
XH is having OW2 and their child staying over for ten days. My goodness that will be a surprise for those who don’t know.
I agree, the wee baby and XH’s responsibilities are both a draw and pressure to him. Reconciling his duties, being in people’s/kid’s lives, is going to be something he will have to figure out.
His awareness and regret of his poisonous behaviour, and yet his unwillingness and/or inability to alter his course, highlights his still inner turmoil. Much like the start of the crisis, when it (replay) starts winding down it has the MLCer living in two worlds again. He has to figure himself out. And depression is still ever present.
Absolutely, remain out of the middle of all this.
With one son an adult, and the other two 16 years old - hey are they driving yet? Gosh, practicing driving with two boys at the same time. Busy times for you. And stressful too. I remember all those many hours of teaching, and stress, and struggle. And looking back, I love every minute of it!
Anyhow, with older kids this is very apt:
You job is not to facilitate the relationship between them and Dad, your job is to not destroy it.
Strangely, I found that is, at times, and especially as they get older, achieved by not so much protecting them, rather installing how to be protective of oneself. Seeing reality. Setting healthily boundaries. Ensuring your own self worth. And knowing that people will treat you as you let them.
I know you are an excellent living example for the boys. So this is more just encouragement for you to know you are doing fine.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
XH is having OW2 and their child staying over for ten days. My goodness that will be a surprise for those who don’t know.
I agree, the wee baby and XH’s responsibilities are both a draw and pressure to him. Reconciling his duties, being in people’s/kid’s lives, is going to be something he will have to figure out.
His awareness and regret of his poisonous behaviour, and yet his unwillingness and/or inability to alter his course, highlights his still inner turmoil. Much like the start of the crisis, when it (replay) starts winding down it has the MLCer living in two worlds again. He has to figure himself out. And depression is still ever present.
Absolutely, remain out of the middle of all this.
This is exactly what I have done until present. EXH came with the baby to my house yesterday to meet with our boys and I decided not to be present as this is something between them. They are old enough. They were pretty nervous and didn't feel like wanting to deal with this but they really wanted to see the little boy so they did. Afterwards they told me it was very confusing to see their dad with another child but they liked the baby, however they want to leave it at that for now. They clearly see he's back to where he was about 1,5 year ago and are fed up with it.
Last week and this week we are making the necessary preparations for S19 who goes to University at the end of the month. We are preparing his place as he will be living on his own during the week in the city where he will be studying. Great experience by the way. My FIL is a big help, EXH didn't do anything and did not ask to help. (2 weeks ago completely the opposite, was planning to help out etc., now nothing anymore)
The awareness and regret have made place again for zero emotions and compassion towards me and the children. The only thing that counts are his feelings and the newborn child, which is his everything at the moment. Really strange to see this being completely turned again. I don't actually have contact with him, only sometimes a message and these are first very polite and 2 minutes later very controlling and a the least to say quite harsh. If so, I don't react or I tell him to stop this behavior.
I'm assuming OW2 will remain here at his place or will return shortly to pick up her stuff with the intention to come over and live here with him. I don't feel comfortable at all with this (it used to be most of the times abroad, so far away, but his time it will be very close if she decides to be again in an R with him)
But unfortunately I don't have any control over it, hopefully I will get used to the idea and situation soon.
Originally Posted by DnJ
one son an adult, and the other two 16 years old - hey are they driving yet? Gosh, practicing driving with two boys at the same time. Busy times for you. And stressful too. I remember all those many hours of teaching, and stress, and struggle. And looking back, I love every minute of it!
In my country you are only allowed to drive as from the age of 18 so still 2 years to go for the twins. The eldest however had his lessons and has to go for his test in 2 weeks time. Hopefully he will succeed!
They also found it very strange to see that the baby is not a baby anymore but already 7 months old.
It will be a process to come to terms with the fact that their father, who has been so hard on them in recent years, not caring at all and literally abandoned them, is now doing his best for a child who has been in his life for about 2 months and acts like this is his everything.
I don't even think EXH is aware of this and what he is doing...or he doesn't want to aknowledge it...
Just wanted to wish all of you a nice, and for some of them going through hell right now, a peaceful and quiet weekend.
I've planned a lot of great things, going out for dinner with a nice male friend this evening, tomorrow working in the studio of S19 together with FIL and then some shopping to buy his first big groceries to start with. In the evening a movie evening with S16 1 and on Sunday a visit to Mum&Dad and a friend coming over to have a drink.
And looking back, I love every minute of it!