My friend is going to try Hinge, I didn’t realize it had the option to put video answers up? Interesting.
She told me she feels like answering the prompts is like “doing homework”, lol. What I used to like about OKCupid was the long list of questions about values and lifestyles. They would compare your answers to others and give you a compatibility score. I found this super useful. If someone had a 90% compatibility score there was an excellent chance I would at least consider them dateable. Somebody with a 30% score would always be an obvious mismatch. But I imagine OKCupid is probably considered old fashioned these days , and therefore might be full of people who don’t keep up with the times?
As for the annulment - as an ex-Catholic myself, I understand your feelings - sort of. I would have had excellent grounds for annulment myself (sleeping with another woman the night before our wedding!). But I personally wouldn’t have felt honest about an annulment (not that I care). Despite the difficulties, our long marriage was real. Declaring it not a real marriage seems dishonest to me. Like a loophole. On the other hand, that’s easy for me to say since I no longer feel bound to the church. And I have a clear conscience about my marriage, which I fought long and hard for. I don’t plan to marry again, but if I did, I’m sure God wouldn’t judge me for it.
When people disappear without explanation from the folks making that happen, it makes the rest of us wonder when the axe will fall next, or if we'll be the next to be expunged, or even what it is we may or may not say to turn the delete button onto us. How is that creating a feeling of safety?
That's a great way to create a feeling of walking on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to fall.
We all came here to save our marriages.
A very scant few of us were successful at that.
Hopefully, the majority of us were at least successful in saving ourselves, and made some strong relationships with other posters in the process.
There are some great vets here who no longer post.
WHY?
There are some people who have been here 5-10 years, who are posting less and less often.
WHY?
A 'never explain' attitude is exceptionally short-sighted, if one is concerned about the over-all well-being of these boards and the people posting, especially the newbies.
Great to catch up on your life. Sounds like some interest percolating in Sportsguy!
And of course it was so great to read the nice piece about your son being so grounded.
Nice job Mama,
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Great to catch up on your life. Sounds like some interest percolating in Sportsguy!
And of course it was so great to read the nice piece about your son being so grounded.
Nice job Mama,
thanks babe! was a long and difficult road. I take nothing for granted and am grateful for every single day. his gf is a doll, and has really helped a lot. He sees a future for himself that he didn't see before. More work to do but he's getting there.
He just surprised my by stopping by with the snowplow to shovel my steps and plow the driveway. What a great kid!
Stuff with Sportsguy is moving along. He's traveling a crazy amount this month for work, then will have ALLL the down time for 6 months. We chat or text a couple times a week. Nothing serious. Appropriate for the amount of time we've known each other which is basically a minute.
There have been some other funny OLD experiences. I'm not putting all my eggs in the Sportsguy basket this early in the game. It's all just part of the healing process of re-building my life post-D. You start to communicate with someone and very quickly there's either a connection or you see exactly why they're on a dating site in their 50s or 60s. I take it all with a grain of salt and see the humor in it. Thinking what great open mic material. That might be in my future
Ha, when you get to the place where you don't have to have any contact with the ex because the kids are past that point, adults and done with college ... man, it's great! I never wanted a divorce, fought hard to save my marriage, but have to say I'm more at peace now than ever, and grateful we're 7000 miles apart and have separate lives. Our contact is rare, and happily civil these days.
It does make me sad sometimes that we spent more than half our lives together and this is where we're at, but acceptance is the key to mental freedom.
That said, acceptance is key, but there are things one doesn't have to accept at all - ex. I absolutely refuse to accept being replaced like a leased vehicle. That's on him. Not me. People aren't objects.
Finding these days that's it's all about my state of mind.
So great to "see" you Ha!!! Stay in touch xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I realize, Cadet, that you're acting as a Moderator. I appreciate what you do. The questions, however, remain.
And, frankly, given the amount of divorced people who stick around here to help the newcomers learn the Divorce Busting principles?? I think the questions deserve an answer for those people.
I think that this is a better place to have this discussion.
Not on the thread of the announcement.
You know right now (and this is true) I am making a stew in my slow cooker. You get out of it what you put in.
DB is going to give you what you put into it. It is true that I am acting as a moderator and the truth is that I have learned so much on this forum.
I was divorced against my will and did everything I could possibly do to save my marriage.
I learned lots of things here and felt the need to pay it back.
Do we have a crystal ball. NOPE.
We all go through different stages of life and how we deal with those stages is what is important. The only way to avoid some of these stages is to stop living, I don't suggest that method.
We all have to keep taking one step forward, one day at a time.
I realize, Cadet, that you're acting as a Moderator. I appreciate what you do. The questions, however, remain.
And, frankly, given the amount of divorced people who stick around here to help the newcomers learn the Divorce Busting principles?? I think the questions deserve an answer for those people.
I think that this is a better place to have this discussion.
Cadet. I have a tremendous amount of respect for you and all you've contributed to this board and to me personally over the years. I thank you for the advice you've given me, the guidance and support at the worst time in my life. You and Job helped me immeasurably when I could barely breathe through the pain. Job - that poor woman! I know I must have given her fits, yet God bless her, she stuck by me as I struggled, and she never gave up on me. I don't think the words "thank you" are at all adequate, but they are all I have to give, other than to follow both of your generous examples and try to help those who came after me the way you both helped me.
I appreciate the opportunity to discuss this issue further.
Originally Posted by Cadet
Not on the thread of the announcement.
Lately people don't seem to be answering posters questions in their threads so the thread of the announcement seemed the best option to at least get a conversation started. Thank you for not only participating, but also continuing the conversation.
Originally Posted by Cadet
You know right now (and this is true) I am making a stew in my slow cooker.
And why are you not sharing the recipe with me??
Originally Posted by Cadet
You get out of it what you put in.
Yes. And I've put quite a lot of myself into this place, as have we all, which is why I'm concerned about the future treatment of divorced posters.
Originally Posted by Cadet
DB is going to give you what you put into it.
Sure DB principles can and should be used in all areas of our lives. For example, some of us have exemplified that when confronted on the boards. Others have not.
Again, DB is going to give you what you put into it - wise words OP. It is also going to show you where you need to focus in order to grow.
Originally Posted by Cadet
It is true that I am acting as a moderator and the truth is that I have learned so much on this forum.
I was divorced against my will and did everything I could possibly do to save my marriage.
I learned lots of things here and felt the need to pay it back.
Do we have a crystal ball. NOPE.
We all go through different stages of life and how we deal with those stages is what is important. The only way to avoid some of these stages is to stop living, I don't suggest that method.
We all have to keep taking one step forward, one day at a time.
I can only speak for myself. While I was married and desperately trying to save my marriage I did not come to the post-D section of the boards. Even thinking about a post-D life was enough to send me spinning and hyperventilating into a panic attack. I have asked others who say the same, so to my mind concern about newcomers visiting this section and being put off by the site is not really all that valid an argument.
Newcomers have enough on their minds -- I think the post-D section isn't even on their radar until much later in their journey(s).
But then I became one of "those" people - divorced. Still I avoided this section of the boards for a long, long time because I judged myself as a failure. I hadn't saved my marriage, and for this over-achiever failure was never an option. It's not something I frankly have a lot of practice in, so it doesn't sit well, at all.
But I finally realized that I had to embrace the truth of my life - my marriage failed. I was divorced, and I still needed support because I had absolutely no idea what to do next with this unwanted freedom. So I tentatively came to the post-D side, where I was welcomed with open arms by people who were also trying to figure out the answer to the scary, "Now what?" question.
Which brings me to my main question: as a divorced poster, what are we allowed to post about?
For example, will we get banned if we post about adventures in online or other types of dating?
An argument could be made that dating is against standing for one's marriage. You know, the marriage that our spouses lit on fire on their way out the door.
Another argument could be made that dating is the perfect place to practice the DB principles we've learned.
Which is allowed?
I saw the post which got LH banned. He didn't say anything that most of us haven't said before. In fact, his post was a lot milder in tone than another poster's. That person is still here, yet LH is gone. Not one person seemed to take into account that all the people on that particular discussion were triggered because every one of those men had some version of that done to them by their wives as well. Where was the compassion for those posters in that decision to ban someone? I remember the days when a discussion like that allowed the people involved an opportunity for healing, growth and, most importantly, afforded the newcomer an opportunity to learn.
Those posts were deleted.
A poster who helped a lot of people was silenced.
The opportunity for healing, growth and learning was squashed.
Questions were asked, yet no answers were given.
I'm not bringing this up to add to the "Where's LH" question.
I am bringing it up because I'd like to make sure that doesn't happen again to someone else, specifically me.
Look, this is not my board. If I had a board at all it would be on one of those funky groups that begins with an R or an F. The rules here are not mine to make, they are simply mine to follow. I'd like to follow them. I'd also like some clear parameters for discussions after divorce.
All well and good to say, "Follow the DB principles" - talking about dating isn't pro marriage. It's something else - it's post-marriage. So ... is dating talk welcome, or is the view that if you're divorced then that's it. Your one shot at a partnership is over, done and you need to be alone for the rest of your life and talk about potentially finding love again or even just companionship is unwelcome.
BTW Cadet, don't forget the bay leaf ... and yes, 'preview reply' was utilized in creating this post. You and Job have taught me well..
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
