What can I do differently?

[MamaG]

Here are some questions that may come my way and I want to be sure I answer them in a way that is appropriate based on where we are. I hope you know enough about my situation that you can weigh in. I think he's doing some touch-n-goes. And, I'm trying to DB and remember that he is barely being a friend and definitely not a spouse (like I want him to be). I'm trying to demand respect. Or at least that is what I tell myself.

How do you propose I answer:
1. How did the medical exam go?
2. Did you get results yet from the exam? (assuming I don't provide the detail he expects at any pt)
3. What time would you like me to pick you up tomorrow for surgery? (I do have someone who can take me).
4. What do you mean you don't need me to take you? I took the day off?
5. How are you feeling? Do you need anything? (post surgery)
6. Is something wrong? You've changed (I know he's noticed that I'm not so eager to engage).

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

I understand the house still requires upkeep, maintenance, and sometimes repairs. And that H and you still jointly own it. I’d suggest for the maintenance/repairs you can do, do them. You look after it. And don’t be fearful of expanding your knowledge and horizons of what home services you can do.

My Mom of 77 lives alone with Dad in a care home. She looks after furnace filter, water filter, softener salt, the house keeping and cleaning, and such. I do look after mowing the grass, and we hired a guy to remove snow in the winter. I used to look after the snow too, and with looking after my own large homestead found I couldn’t ensure her drive got cleaned for when she needed it.

I foresee nothing baring you from doing the scheduled maintenance items along with the painting, replacing broken trim or eave down pipes, and such that comes up. And you may already be doing some, all, or even more of those things.

For larger jobs, those that would require further expertise and/or tools/equipment, yes outsource it. That could be H or a contractor. You should let H know of those larger jobs anyhow. He may step up and do it. However, he also should pay his share if it is contracted out.

Letting go, detachment, takes your power back. Your emotions aren’t uncontrollably dragged around by H’s words and/or behaviour. You can be/are still kind and cordial. And thank H for doing a good job or when he is praiseworthy. However, the LBS first needs to get their feet under themselves on solid ground, and find their balance. A lighthouse has a very strong foundation.

What do you see from your view? What's going on with H?

I see a gal who is growing, getting stronger, and finding her way. Be a lighthouse. A lighthouse doesn’t run around looking for a ship to save. It stands and shines. The ship either sees it or doesn’t.

I see H is lost. He poked his head out a bit, did a temp check, and is still baking. Still running.

H is a boomerang. Seems like a clingy boomerang type of MLCer, IMHO. He flings away for a while, and then returns. And repeats.

You need to focus on your life, especially during those absent time. Not just because it’s best for you; because H will be watching too. It’s funny how much they spy and watch their old life from afar.

When H does his cyclic returns, realize he is like a child, looking for praise and/or a kind word. (The clinginess. Wants to runaway, but not too far.) He also needs boundaries when required. H is reliving his younger years, growing up, and will test his boundaries. Keep your expectations to zero, bite your tongue (lots ), drink those STFU smoothies, keeping to whatever business is at hand and not getting dragged into his world or whatever he is/has done. It really tests your foundations, your lighthouse-ness. Be kind and cordial, and firm.

H needs to grow up. Needs to hit that rock bottom.

I sense a little chasing and loneliness which tells me my efforts may be rendering some results.

Could be.

Take away his safety net. He needs to feel his consequences of his actions. You don’t do this out of malice or anger or hatred or retribution or punishment. It’s more a byproduct of focusing on you and letting go. Giving H what he asked for. Time and space, to sort himself out.

I break down in tears of relief, anger, excitement and confusion.

Yep.

Expectations.

It’s a difficult razors edge to find. The balance between hope and expectations. To hope that H would text, or show some care towards your appointment. And yet to not hold on too tightly to such, that it becomes a need or expectation. Neither an expectation for him to or not to.

Hope is timeless. Has no deadline or timeline attached to it.

The balance is within you. That razors edge is defined by you. After you find it, realize it, start walking it, you’ll discover the balance is not razor thin. In fact, it’s quite wide and easily traversed. However, you got to get there first. And that takes some slogging. First step is detachment, then finding indifference. All while maintaining compassion.

Do I respond? If so, what do I say? When do I respond?

Keep it simple and straightforward. Especially for a person in crisis. Their attention span is that of a gnat and their emotions are cranked to eleven, so anything else is far too much pressure and sends them in the opposite direction. Less is more. And of course, the whole No R-Talks.

text from H that wishes me luck with a medical exam today and to let him know how it turns out.

Tomorrow, respond: “The exam went fine. Thank you for asking.”

Utilize a 24-48 hour rule for responding to H. This gives your emotions time to settle and ensures you formulate a response based upon logic and reason rather than your emotional state.

Some LBS have so much poking from their spouse they go to a once a week schedule of returning/responding to the various emails, texts, and voice mails. You are not to that extreme, kind of the opposite actually. So it can seem harder to realize “why” to delay response, and to only respond to questions that require a response.

Best of luck today.

D

[DnJ]

I see you posted while I was typing. So a bit more follow up.

How do you propose I answer:
1. How did the medical exam go?
2. Did you get results yet from the exam? (assuming I don't provide the detail he expects at any pt)
3. What time would you like me to pick you up tomorrow for surgery? (I do have someone who can take me).
4. What do you mean you don't need me to take you? I took the day off?
5. How are you feeling? Do you need anything? (post surgery)
6. Is something wrong? You've changed (I know he's noticed that I'm not so eager to engage).

Use the 24-48 hour rule.

Look at all the questions and negativity from H you are expecting. Dial that to zero. Let go. Deal with things as they come up. If they come up. Not before!

When one thinks, feels, believes their partner is going to angry or upset, they actually behave in a manner that reinforces the very behaviour they are expecting/trying to avoid. In a way, we craft the very thing we don’t want to happen by worrying and trying to work against it.

Most stuff we worry and fret over, never comes to pass. Folks expend so much energies and stress so much over things that simply don’t happen. Yet, the self damage and exhaustion does. Imagine how much energy you can invest into the 1% of things that actually do require your efforts when you let go of the other 99%.

Do a big 180! For you! Let go. Don’t worry what H might feel about your appointment. It’s your appointment!

D

[MamaG]

DnJ, thank you for faithfully responding to me. I need help and find your input soothing/comforting to read through. Do you think my thread belongs wtih the MLC threads? Would I get more responses in the MLC space?

...still digesting your response...TY

[Catman19]

Just so you know MamaG a lot of us here will read your thread, we try our best to relate to you or give you advice to help you as much as possible. Personally id like to give advice but your situation is slightl different than mine or many of us, so we try not to give advice that might harm the process for you. That being said from many of the threads here i think yours seems like one of the more optimistic ones, you have to tread very carefuly in what you say and do, but in some of your posts your H does show signs of genuine care for you, but i think is going through a lot of inner turmoil. Ill be honest when i turned 40 and all of this happened, i was personally having a very difficult time coping with all the thoughts, coupled with the realization that 8 years of not being able to have a family and dealing with pandemic restrictions gave me somewhat of a mid life crisis and was very hard for me.
Everyone is different and deals with life difficulties and tough milestones differently, some of us arent as mentally strong as others and everyone has a different upbringing
My biggest tip for you is give him enough space, be kind and cordial, but dont make him feel like you need him, work on your physical health and well being and if you have to change your diet to be more healthy, its one of the best things you can do for your mind, body, and soul. Youll be surprised how much you can get into a steady routine and learn about health and fitness and youll feel good about yourself, and a side benefit is he will see a whole new you

One thing that helped me a lot was just going for random coffees or lunches with friends, find a friend or work colleague that has a flexible schedule and chat it up with them. Enjoy a nice patio and sunshine, spend more time outside. Smell random flowers, listen to the birds sing, enjoy gods gift of nature and know that hes looking down on you.

[DnJ]

Hello MG

You may post wherever you feel most comfortable. Your situation is absolutely fine in the Newcomers section, and would be fine in the MLC section as well.

As to readership and responses, traditionally the Newcomers forum is a busier one and has more response. Although sometimes it does depend a bit on how many other folks are concurrently posting along side you. And how comfortable they are posting to your situation.

Your thread and situation is read a lot. As of right now, at just under a month, there is 44 posts with over 1500 viewings. Lots of folks are following along.

I know it takes a little while for new posters to get their feet under themselves. When you’re ready, reach out to other people’s threads. Most folks will reciprocate; dropping by and offer their views. Like in real life, breaking the ice is often the stumbling block.

D

(By the way, I’m going out to my best friend’s cabin for the weekend. We are putting on a new roof. So, I’ll be offline most of the weekend.)

[MamaG]

DnJ - Enjoy your weekend with friends. Hope the weather works in your favor.

[MamaG]

Thank you Catman for your response - I understand that all are different and I, too wouldn't want to derail an already confusing time in your life. Honestly, I don't even know how to navigate this sight well enough to go find your story. I hunted a bit and gave up. Will try again this weekend.

Hope you enjoy your weekend - promise me that you will do one thing each day that will make you smile. Do something each day that you don't have to do, but rather will enjoy doing. Enjoy some bird watching, get fascinated on how bees behave, make your favorite meal, pull some weeds (being productive is satisfying to me), etc. You get my drift. Find your inner joy, as small as it may be and smile. I'm slowly learning more about this gift called life and we are surrounded with so much beauty.

Take care and I'll seek your thread out.

[MamaG]

So it had been a week since a random text from H was sent to the kids (group text generally). H sent a "GM! I Love you" text. Nothing more. While they still don't (and neither do I) understand why H does this, kids are accepting of it and entertain with a short response. Any idea why H does this? And, how do I explain this behavior to D19 and S21? In between random texts, there is little or no interactions between them.

Although rare, yesterday D reached out to H about something H has and she needs. H suggested that she come get it and asked what she needed it for D still has not and insists on not going to H's new 'home' so she declined by noting how busy she is and can have me go get it if H is not willing to bring it back. Well, of no surprise, H offered to drop it off today - doesn't want me going to his safe space. We'll see how that goes. But this confirms, as I've been wondering, if H secretively wants me to take any interest in his new life and 'home'. Do MLCers want me to see or take interest in their new world? I've always voiced that I won't help H nor take interest with H's new 'home'.

It's been 13 days since I've seen H and since we've spent time together. This is soooo long (for us) and I miss him but I don't look for his texts like I used to. This morning, thinking I may get a text about bringing over D's request before going to work, I cringed that the text I rec'd was from him. It wasn't but the feeling of 'please don't let it be H who is texting' is a different thought from a month ago where I prayed it was his text that came through. I guess I'm making progress but I can't help but wonder if I'm moving away from him and losing interest. Am I getting bored and giving up? I really hope not as this brings me to tears....and I don't know why. Just sharing what a crazy life a LBS leads for way too long. I tell myself that H asked for space and so I'm honoring his request.

I often consider what the 'right thing to do for the MLCer' is in most circumstances while trying to not let him dictate my actions and GALing. I don't want to work around him but considering the 'right thing to do' (DBing) is also in some way letting him lead my actions and decisions, isn't it? It's so confusing. Can you help me distinguish as these scenarios pop up from time to time?
For example, I'm torn with having him take me to surgery next week. If I'm honest with myself, I will go into surgery and come out with more ease and comfort if I include him. All things DBing say to not include him and find another ride (including DnJ whom I listen to ). When should I consider my wants/needs above his current crisis/DBing recommendations? How much more productive/effective would it be to exclude him? I imagine H would feel left out and potentially showing him more of my back if I exclude him....but, if nothing I do will influence his journey, how can I make sense of this? If I knew that leaving him out would help him along his journey (missing me and what I'm doing or creating fear that I'm moving on), I would find it in me to accept another ride. But it's not always clear that me not doing what I want versus DBing will even impact his journey at all. I guess it's a two part question to help me decide on including/not including H in surgery. Note: My circle is wide - very thankful and blessed - and have several offering to take me for the surgery 2 hours out. But, somehow, I really think I would want him to take me.

To all you readers who don't comment, I'm hopeful that you see/feel that you're not alone. I'm out here too trying to figure out this new normal everyday living. There is nothing normal about this and hard to navigate with family and friends who aren't going through it. It's such a lonely space and time in our lives.

Can someone show me how I can search other's stories. I read through Spirit but don't know how to find others like Smartcookie, Rollercoasterrider, MyFavoriteWeirdo, Sandi. I happen to stumble upon stories and don't know how to locate stories that are recommended. Would like to do some reading as I recover on the couch next week.

[Catman19]

Let me just asd my two cents. I would recommend not having him take you to surgery, if you have offers from people close to you, accept one of these. It helps build your support system and shows that you dont need him, it will also make him feel guilty for not being there for you. If you accept him and have him take you, he will use it as a eay to say "look what i have done for you" and he'll say and think to himself and others that you can't do things without him. You wanting him there is a way to bring yourself comfort, it's like a form of withdrawal that you don't want to avoid.

From my own experience and while this isn't exactly the same as it was self induced, but largely because of the hurt and pain she was causing me i ended up in emergency room last year and passed out in waiting room eith sever alcohol withdrawal symptoms and super high blood pressure. I spent 1-2 weeks between emergency rooms, psych ward and withdrawal rehab centre, she offered to visit me and offered to pick me up from rehab center. I declined both and leaned on family to help me, I knew her behaviour drove me to that situation and having her around would only increase the chances my treatment wouldn't be successful and would be fuel for her to say how she was doing it for me. Also I didn't want it to be ammunition for her smear campaign on me to make her paint me as a bad person

Lean on your family and close friends. They will be very important in the healing and detachment process, leaning on him for anything will only prolong the pain and leave in you a position to be more hurt in the near future