Rebuilding myself

[CS000]

I didn't work for me especially since he must have thought I was ok being friends like that kiss me and get with a new person whom I believe was there for a few months. I'm truly glad that we got divorced because he is delusional about reality and what is acceptable. Yeah I'm super crushed he didn't ask for a ride lol

[CS000]

Since telling my 2nd XH that I didn't want to be friends, I have felt lighter and happier. It's like a switch was turned on in my head. This feels great! Even the changes at work don't have me fazed.

[CS000]

Well I have not done much work on moving forward with my life. To be honest I had contact with my XH and we started being in constant contact even while he was out of town for a while. I'm not justifying my actions or his but I do see that his is going through a MLC and dealing with his PTSD. I convinced myself that this reconnection was going to hopefully lead to a reconciliation but it's not. He's planning on moving out of the country some time within a year or so I was still expecting him to change his mind and no surprise that I was hurt. I know that it would take a miracle for us to reconcile after our divorce. Especially since he is so determined and has started working on immigration papers, buying a house over there and has told me that although he had thought of us being together at first, he wants to be away from everything and everyone and restart for himself and the place that reminds him of his PTSD. I know that I need to let go and live my life. I hope in time my love for him goes away and my pain. I am farther than I was in the beginning however so much more to go. I hate that I still grieve for my marriage. I suppose that all of this pain is magnified by the fact that my mom is terminal and I see how toxic and dysfunctional my family is...they say God never gives you more than you can handle but this year has been one hell of a year. I guess I'm just looking for answers

[CS000]

I joined a Rebuilding seminar so I'm hoping that I can make further progress in becoming a better and healthier person. I'm also going to go snowboarding and have bought most of my gear! More doing what I have wanted to do rather than just talking about it and not do it. This year will be better!