I actually do know there are fairy tale endings. And certainly fairy tale beginnings. I guess I just need to remember where I was in 1977, not looking for love, and then it happened! And I bet it can happen again.
I told you before: I was a big fan of fairy tales when I was younger. Maybe I should go back and re-read them all?!?
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Well in keeping with "not being able to drop the rope", I have to be honest with at least a few people today, and you guys are the ones I can be honest with.
It's my birthday and all I can think about is how I'd feel good about it if my XH told me happy birthday. This happens every year. I feel like my birthday might be the worst day of the year for feeling this tie to him, even worse than our wedding anniversary.
This is what happens. I wake up, go, it's my birthday, then immediately feel like crap because I'm not married to him anymore. Then I feel like the rest of the day will entail me having to walk around and act happy when people tell me happy birthday, but inside I feel awful. So then I feel guilty for not being happy. I've got all these friends saying happy birthday, my family saying it or sending a card, and it's like despite all that I am still sad because XH is not saying anything to me. That sends me into a guilt-laden spiral where I think really? I'm letting ONE MAN'S ABSENCE color everything? And well, yes, I am. Still. 3 years plus later, I'm still letting that take over, and I feel powerless to deny it.
People keep saying "do you have plans for your birthday?" Well, no. What am I going to do other than go to work. Go out alone? I don't mind going out alone other days, but today? I feel like a bit of a loser, quite honestly. I'm tired of having to make up my own isolated celebrations for things. How many years is this going to persist, the rest of my life? Cause it's 3 years plus now and I never thought it would be that long.
So there it is, I'm in a huge pity party today of my own making and it happens every year, and I guess the upshot is I'm just not a fan of my birthday because it makes me feel terrible that XH is gone. Vent over ;-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Sorry you are feeling down today. Special occasions can do that to us.
I think our family and friends can fill certain needs for us, but I don't believe they fill the void left by our spouses. For me, sometimes that void feels small and shallow, and other times so cavernous I feel like it's going to swallow me up.
I often feel like a widow, because the H I loved so dearly is gone. And to be quite honest, I'm tired of grieving his loss, especially when I have to interact with imposter pod person day after day.
It's strange to miss someone who's physically here, but not mentally or emotionally that person you remember.
I've been reading your thread, and enjoy your wisdom and heartfelt honesty.
Hope you will do something special for yourself today, even if it is something small. You deserve it!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Sorry I missed your BD. So happy belated birthday!
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I feel like a bit of a loser, quite honestly.
Hmm…..”loser” ya don’t say… let me see if I can describe you a bit…
1) Author of multiple books. 2) Kind 3) Sincere 4) Approachable 5) Reflective 6) Strong 7) Independant 8) Honest 9) Great friend 10) Great human being (example – your post to others) 11) Smart 12) Articulate 13) Funny (yeah people don’t know that you have no issue lisitening to 50 cent ) 14) Great musical interest 15) Vidoe game player (zombies!) 16) Tremendous animal lover 17) Great cook…yeah I see those dishes you make on FB 18) F*ck you even do your own landscaping! 19) Helpful 20) Forward thinking
So….when I look at the above…I would disagree you are not a loser. It is okay to still have moments of sadness about your XH. Unfortunately, it is part of the healing process. [censored] I know. When the time it right….it will go away. I know it does not always feel that way but it will.
Quote:
People keep saying "do you have plans for your birthday?" Well, no. What am I going to do other than go to work. Go out alone? I don't mind going out alone other days, but today? I feel like a bit of a loser, quite honestly. I'm tired of having to make up my own isolated celebrations for things. How many years is this going to persist, the rest of my life? Cause it's 3 years plus now and I never thought it would be that long.
Do you have a car? Do you have a calendar? Com’on Antonia….you could plan something. A trip somewhere you do NOT need to stay home OR go out alone. Try “meet up” groups, try social circles. Personally, I think this is the last bit of work you need to do. That is STEP OUTSIDE OF YOU COMFORT ZONE. You have made a life for yourself, which is IMO, based on being alone, which I get (especially with the losers that are single)..but you really do not have to be. F*ck you could have come up and visited me. We could have planned a trip to go see PEI, or B, or we could have done something - and you know I am serious. My point, is stop waiting for it to happen and MAKE it happen! You and I both know you do not need a man (okay sometime ya do but hey…they have devices for that)..seriously, you are right there…you are almost about to break through. Stop thinking so much about your X and start really PLANNING YOUR LIFE.
Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Where do you want to live?
What do you want to do for work?
Do you want kids?
What places do you want to go?
What hobbies have you not started?
I know this is not easy Antonia. Some of the questions may seem impossible...they may even be dreams...why not try to live our dreams. For example: I will move to NC at somepoint. I know you know how my I love my kids. My D (12) is getting older and at somepoint will not "need" daddy the way she does today...so I am starting to really figure out how I accomplish my goals. Since I no longer wnat to live in my state, I am not looking at purchasing a home. That is just a quick example. So please push yourself to really sit down and figure out what you really what to do for Antonia.
You got this Antonia! As T said, feel it, then let it go.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I'm actually not alone that much. I have made friends in this area in the past few years. Our schedules don't match up, unfortunately. Most of the time, like yesterday, when I'm at work, they are off, and when I'm done, they'are at work. Doesn't mean I don't socialize, I do, but yesterday it just wasn't gonna happen.
Local friends have had all sorts of things going on--one is moving, one has a FIL just went into hospice. A few are sick with what I am still getting over.
My family (sisters) are both sick right now. One is visiting next weekend if she gets better in time. Parents--both relapsed sick.
I do have some social activities. I'm not isolated all the time. I see people usually 6 days a week. I'm not a hermit.
BUT. The nature of my career and my professional development, and all the extra stuff I've taken on to develop in my field professionally, which gets me a better position at work and importantly, a slightly higher salary, which I have to have to support myself, means that I HAVE to spend weekends or evenings doing research and writing.
I can't find the time to go away. I just won't meet the deadlines if I do. I have a conference in Boston in March, and I'm running a seminar, and for that I have to write a 5000 word paper in the next few weeks. It takes so much time to do this. I am still not done with the research. I do a little most nights of the week or one day of the weekend. I also have to write a 2500 word summation of the group's papers because I'm the chair, and then run the seminar.
I just became a mentor with a program to mentor new faculty. Now I've got to work with someone online to take care of that.
I just started up our book club again and have that to prep for. The one woman in book club wants to put together a set of essays and I'm helping her with planning that.
At work I just met with the dean and they want me to spearhead a concentration in my field for the college--I'd be organizing it and writing new coursework. I'm trying to find a writer to teach part-time for us and networking that. This is an immense opportunity. Basically they are so impressed with my books that they want me to start up something that will make our school unique, to get people to come just to do my program.
This stuff is all new from the past few months--I mean you're right, I'm not a loser, I'm actually enormously successful professionally and have done more in the time since bomb drop than I did my entire career and my career is really taking off. Oh and I just got asked to write a review of a book for a journal. That's due in April.
It is the "success" that has taken over my life, in a way.
I said to my friend last night "I'd like to do about half my output and have a typical normal married life, but with that not an option, I feel I have no option open but to go full-steam into super-scholar, super-professor."
It's not a bad option. It's the kind of thing I DREAMED of. Only in my wildest dreams when I started out did I ever have any inkling I'd even get to teach the great stuff I get to teach. I never saw myself having two books by age 43, being promoted to associate professor without a Phd, being an established writer, being asked to spearhead a program for students based on my expertise.
So where I want to be in 5 years, career-wise, I'm headed there now. I have zero interest in leaving this area/job. I like where I am--at times I downright love my job--and I am happy in my home. I can't conceive of a "better" job or place to live for me. The only change I see is that in 5 years I'll make more money and be able to hire more of the yardwork done which will be sweet!
I don't want kids, ever. I've never wavered on that. I don't see myself married ever again. I see myself ok with living with someone if I was in a relationship with him. I don't see myself with a roommate that I didn't have a relationship with.
I think about places I'd like to go. I'd like to see the Northern Lights. I cannot afford that until I've paid off debts to family. I owe several thousand dollars. Right now I'm not making enough to pay back more than maybe 500 a year (it's interest-free loan). I don't care if other people borrow money to pay for vacations when they have debt. I don't want to do it. I feel strongly that I need to pay people back before I start spending on an extravagant vacation.
I don't have any new hobbies I'd like to start because I have current hobbies I love that I barely get the time to spend doing as it is. My pledge to myself this year was twofold: visit my parents more than 2 times a year and spend more time with my hobbies.
So far the weather or illness have prevented my visiting them. Hopefully soon things will calm down and I can. They are in their 70s and are starting to have health problems and I do enjoy seeing them.
The way I see it I spend an enormous amount of time making my life happen already. I am overextended. So are my friends, so is my family.
I mean, I know I could have gone to Baltimore to see my girlfriend and spend a birthday weekend with her and that wouldn't be too expensive. But I also know if I did that I'd be down 2 full days of potential research/writing when my paper is due to the group in 20 days. I basically need every weekend this semester to finish all the papers I'm obligated to write.
My hope is that this summer I can get some free time, finally.
My long-range plan is to have fewer work obligations, I guess. But right now it is very hard to say no to all this opportunity for professional achievement. I'm lucky to be getting the opportunity. I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth. But the trade-off is that much of the work involved in that opportunity is solitary work.
Before I was a basic prof with a husband and a rich family life. Now I'm super prof/scholar with scattered family and friends.
If I could have what I wanted, I'd have super prof/scholar WITH a husband and rich family life ;-)
Don't know when I'd sleep, but, that's the wish.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I think it is entirely appropriate to feel sad. If we 'lose' anyone close to us it is hard around birthdays. This can include parents, and children, and we have effectively lost our spouses, as surely as if they had died. They have gone out of our lives, without kindness and consideration that could leave sweeter memories.
If you were sad every day, well then you might need some help, but on your birthday? Honour the sadness, and the great love you felt, that is at the root of your feeling sad.
I sometimes think we spend a lot of time here, probably rightly, encouraging people to come out of their grief. But we should not, imho, deny that there is a grief, and that we will feel it at key times, for quite a while.
You are not wallowing in grief, you are experiencing it.
And no matter how accomplished you are, the failure of a marriage is a BIG thing for any person who thinks and feels.
So I am truly sorry for how you feel, but hope you will not beat yourself up about it. Maybe it is the day for quiet mourning, until you no longer need to. So instead of beating yourself up for how you feel, go with the feelings. Just a thought.
I think you always have an energetic connection to the person you loved for so many years. I will be divorced three years in May and I'm on the path of healing....not nearly healed, but on it. When I have money issues, I get angry, when I need a hug, I get sad. It's normal. One thing I do is not try and 'stuff' the emotions. I miss my old x and marriage, but that's over. He became someone else. So, I moved on...like you. The first couple of birthdays I grieved, now I celebrate (the entire week of my birthday). It's not better or worse, just different.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
