Fix me, fix my life, win back my wife

[Piano]

TimeHeals is right.

If they don't feel in love, you cannot change that. You need to take the pressure off. She may come around but only if she doesn't feel like she's being forced to do something against her will.

[ScaredinCanada]

I understand that, and I'm doing my best to let her be. I've been trying to hold onto hope that she is just angry and that she'll eventually come around. Part of it is because I do still love her, and I want to be with her. I don't want my M to end or our family to be broken apart.

I'm really doing well now, but as per usual she likes to jab me when she can or feels the need too.

Last night she mentioned to me that the previous night while sleeping I was calling out her name in my sleep. She seemed angry about it?!?! I don't have any memory of doing it, but she said it woke her up.

Also last night she made something different for dinner. It was good, and I really enjoyed it. My W isn't normally a great cook, so I told her that it was good. She makes sure to say "well I didn't do it for you, I only did it for the kids".

Why the attitude?

We still live together, we still sleep in the same bed. We eat dinner as a family and we do things as a family still on the weekends.

I'm not leaving, but I also don't really understand how long someone can live like this? I know my W would say that this is how she felt for the past 7 years, but I never intentionally avoided her or said mean and hurtful things to her. I understand that at times my actions would have done the talking for me - but it wasn't ALL the time. No matter what she wants to say or believe at this moment.

We've had good times, just not many in the last few years.

It doesn't matter, in my eyes this is all I have is my family. I'm not quiting no matter what.

I'm GAL, and I'm detaching as best I can given our sitch and focusing on the kids.

Wow, Christmas is going to be a blast!

[TimeHeals]

I understand that, and I'm doing my best to let her be. I've been trying to hold onto hope that she is just angry and that she'll eventually come around. Part of it is because I do still love her, and I want to be with her. I don't want my M to end or our family to be broken apart.

I must not be communicating effectively because we're revisiting this. Let me try again:

First of all, Hope is not a Plan.

I know you still love her, that you don't want the marriage to end, and so on.

Your wife, no doubt, knows that too.

She has told you how she feels right now, but you don't seem to understand it and would rather explain it away as 'anger'.

She feels how she feels, and how she feels is driving part of her decission making process. Trying to recast how she feels as 'anger' sounds a whole lot like not getting what she is telling you about how she feels, and if you keep doing that, I'm willing to bet you are invalidating how she feels with your actions, any discussions that involve R talk, and all of that.


Last night she mentioned to me that the previous night while sleeping I was calling out her name in my sleep. She seemed angry about it?!?! I don't have any memory of doing it, but she said it woke her up.

Also last night she made something different for dinner. It was good, and I really enjoyed it. My W isn't normally a great cook, so I told her that it was good. She makes sure to say "well I didn't do it for you, I only did it for the kids".

Why the attitude?

My guess? You won't stop pursuing her. She feels pressured.

Look, your wife knows the affair was wrong. She knows when she is treating you badly too.

Do you think chasing after somebody who is busy pulling away from you is attractive?

I'm not quiting no matter what.

You will if she makes it painful enough and files for divorce, I bet.

Your goal is to save your marriage, and that's admirable, but you aren't going to do that by presuing her and pressuring her.

Do be calm, confident, and strong.

If she says something intentionally nasty, it's OK to say, "There's no need to be nasty" or even walk away.

But... I would take my whole focus off of her if I were you. Go do things with your kids, and I don't understand why you didn't have her leave the marital bedroom while she was having the affair. It's as if there are no consequences for bad behavior, and she and I both know that isn't how things really work (it may be supressed by you right now because you are so busy trying to 'win' her back).

My advice stands: pull back, GAL, take care of yourself and your kids and KNOW that you don't deserve this. You don't really want THIS marriage; you want a good marriage and a happy family, and you aren't even close to being there right now, so work on making yourself happy and taking care of your kids for the most part.

[Starsky309]

I understand that, and I'm doing my best to let her be. I've been trying to hold onto hope that she is just angry and that she'll eventually come around. Part of it is because I do still love her, and I want to be with her. I don't want my M to end or our family to be broken apart.

I must not be communicating effectively because we're revisiting this. Let me try again:

First of all, Hope is not a Plan.

I know you still love her, that you don't want the marriage to end, and so on.

Your wife, no doubt, knows that too.

She has told you how she feels right now, but you don't seem to understand it and would rather explain it away as 'anger'.

She feels how she feels, and how she feels is driving part of her decission making process. Trying to recast how she feels as 'anger' sounds a whole lot like not getting what she is telling you about how she feels, and if you keep doing that, I'm willing to bet you are invalidating how she feels with your actions, any discussions that involve R talk, and all of that.


Last night she mentioned to me that the previous night while sleeping I was calling out her name in my sleep. She seemed angry about it?!?! I don't have any memory of doing it, but she said it woke her up.

Also last night she made something different for dinner. It was good, and I really enjoyed it. My W isn't normally a great cook, so I told her that it was good. She makes sure to say "well I didn't do it for you, I only did it for the kids".

Why the attitude?

My guess? You won't stop pursuing her. She feels pressured.

Look, your wife knows the affair was wrong. She knows when she is treating you badly too.

Do you think chasing after somebody who is busy pulling away from you is attractive?

I'm not quiting no matter what.

You will if she makes it painful enough and files for divorce, I bet.

Your goal is to save your marriage, and that's admirable, but you aren't going to do that by presuing her and pressuring her.

Do be calm, confident, and strong.

If she says something intentionally nasty, it's OK to say, "There's no need to be nasty" or even walk away.

But... I would take my whole focus off of her if I were you. Go do things with your kids, and I don't understand why you didn't have her leave the marital bedroom while she was having the affair. It's as if there are no consequences for bad behavior, and she and I both know that isn't how things really work (it may be supressed by you right now because you are so busy trying to 'win' her back).

My advice stands: pull back, GAL, take care of yourself and your kids and KNOW that you don't deserve this. You don't really want THIS marriage; you want a good marriage and a happy family, and you aren't even close to being there right now, so work on making yourself happy and taking care of your kids for the most part.

This is AWESOME advice!!! I'm not sure if it helped Scared, but it sure helped me!!!

thanks!

Starsky

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks for the reply TH,

Mostly I'm just using this as a forum for venting and letting out my frustration. I'm honestly not pursuing her anymore, I stopped doing that about a week ago. It's a struggle, but I think I'm doing ok - and if I can avoid pursuing her in my dreams then I will have completely stopped.

I am focusing on me, that's been 99% of my focus (at times much higher than that) and on my kids, but obviously at times I struggle with it because it's not easy - I am human after all.

Just to point out (not sure if I mis-represented it at some point) but my W cheated on me right before we were to get married (over 10 years ago) and as far as I know she hasn't cheated on me since we've been married. I don't have any reason to think otherwise, and I've long been over the fact that she cheated on me. It doesn't do me any good to dwell on it.

I agree I want a happy and positive M or relationship regardless if it's with my W or not, but I believe that I haven't done anything that we can't work through - like I said...she cheated on me and I took her back even though it was really difficult.

Finally, I have pulled back. I barely speak with her now unless she talks to me, and other than being a more responsible person (ie. helping around the house) I am so focused on GAL now. I spend time in the gym everyday during the week, I'm taking my kids swimming again tonight, playing hockey tomorrow night, going out with some good friends on Friday night and taking the kids out of town for a Christmas party for the night on Saturday...

If I sound like I'm not putting in the effort or I'm not getting the advice from yourself and others - it's simply because I use this forum to let out my emotions and internal frustrations instead of taking them out on ANY of the people in my life.

I start counselling on Tuesday, I told the W she could also book individual counselling if she likes as it's covered by my work. No presure - it's upto her.

[TimeHeals]

You can do this, and you can have a wonderful life with your kids (take 'em some new places: is there a drive thru safari nearby? Any odd roadside attractions? Go visiting with relatives? How about some sort of festivals? Christmas lights?).

Get out, be a great dad, have a wonderful time with your kids and on your own and be the kind of guy a woman would be nuts to leave. Don't do it for *her* though. Do it for you.

[dbmod]

Scared,

I love your attitude right now. I believe if you keep this up in about two weeks, you will notice a small positive change in her. I want you to be able to recognize it, so that you build on it.

What would be the FIRST sign that things were beginning to improve? What would she be doing?

[ScaredinCanada]

You can do this, and you can have a wonderful life with your kids (take 'em some new places: is there a drive thru safari nearby? Any odd roadside attractions? Go visiting with relatives? How about some sort of festivals? Christmas lights?).

Get out, be a great dad, have a wonderful time with your kids and on your own and be the kind of guy a woman would be nuts to leave. Don't do it for *her* though. Do it for you.

Thanks TM, that's the plan right now. Not sure about local attractions. I'm looking, and constantly thinking of things to do with the kids. I
m really enjoying spending the extra quality time with them. Appreciate the advice and support.

[ScaredinCanada]

Scared,

I love your attitude right now. I believe if you keep this up in about two weeks, you will notice a small positive change in her. I want you to be able to recognize it, so that you build on it.

What would be the FIRST sign that things were beginning to improve? What would she be doing?

Thanks Dbmod, I'm trying. It's difficult, but getting easier everyday. I thought I was seeing positive changes last week, but things she's said and her actions (or lack of actions show otherwise). Song last night on radio (country song of course) of guy saying he was going to make this woman love him...my W comments "kids this song is for dad". Whatever.

Honestly her even asking me how my day was, or saying something remotely nice. I just feel like she is avoiding it, she seems to go out of her way to not be nice to me.

Last night right after dinner (just before we went to swimming) my W says to my 2nd daughter, "Don't you want to ask me about my day today?" to which my D just said "Nope, and walked away". So I take the oppertunity to simply ask her, "Did you have a good day today?" - and she simply acted like she didn't even hear me.

I'm not even trying anymore, unless she asks me a question or talks to me I'm not even going to acknowledge her existance.

I used to call her from work a few times a week just to check in at home - not anymore.

[ScaredinCanada]

Ok, I have question.

I'm taking the kids away for the night to goto a Christmas party away from town. My W is scheduled to work tonight and tomorrow night. She's out with the kids right now, and just over an hour ago my W's work called to ask her if she can work tonight?!?!?!

She's supposed to be already working!?!?

Now obviously because I'm taking the kids away tonight I'm in full panic. She'll be home around in a couple hours, and I'm trying to think about how I'm going to address it.

I have to tell her that her work called, and she knows that I think she's already working tonight. Do I call her on it? Ask her to explain or should I stop jumping to conclusions and expecting the worst that she's got "other plans" tonight that she didn't want me to know about??

How would any of you deal with this sitch? My W has told me on a number of occasions that there isn't anyone else (but would she have really told me even if there was?!?), but like I've said based on so many other lives of read about on this board I was concerned that there might be a EA that either was intentional or unintentional likely with someone from work (that's really the only place so goes outside of the house without the kids).

I really hope I'm just over reacting and that it's simply some sort of mix up with her work.

The last few days I've been just focusing on being positive, only talking when she talks and simply validating what she says. Last night and this morning have been great.

I went out with my friends and she went out shopping, I had a good time. This morning she did ask me if I "met any girls while I was out" and I simple said "no, I didn't" which is the truth. I wasn't looking anyways.

I also went directly (via e-mail) to my mother and told her that she has caused a lot of tension in my M and that I think it order to get based it, she needs to find it in herself to appoligize to my W. Needless to say she replied back, and completely avoided what I said. Simply told me to stay strong, be happy and good times will come again. I think she feels good that my M might be coming to an end.

I'm so confused right now - still focused and looking fowarded to taking the kids out tonight.

I really don't want to ruin the night for me or the kids because I'm worrying what my W is doing back home - if she isn't working.

She looks so good today too...which I told her. Just a simple compliment and she ignored it.

Thanks for listening/reading...

SIC