After the collision

[Pensacolabroken]

Time,

great advice. Wish I had it sooner!

[NotFromThesePart]

Wish I knew what it meant sooner.

[NotFromThesePart]

It has been a couple months since I’ve posted. For those who don’t remember me here is a brief recap.

I was working overseas and my W living in the states. I was to come home on early Nov. to rejoin W. In Late August W started A. I tried to work it out but she was not interested. In Oct. she asked for a separation. I finished my overseas work and moved back to my hometown in a different state than W. She continued A, and I restarted my life.

I recently moved back into my house. I started a job on Monday and have been successfully dating. Nothing serious, but I’ve enjoyed re-learning how to flirt, and am happy to report that women do seem to show interest in me. That is enough for now.

Monday, W calls to ask about the new job. We talk and things move to R talk. This is ok. I know it is to be avoided, but we have not talked much about this over the last 2 months. I’ve noticed a softening in her and she has talked about feeling sad, missing me and our dreams together. She mentioned that I’m her “best friend”. She said that she would be alone at Christmas and I invited her to visit. She was non-committal, but not negative.

Yesterday, she called and offered to fly out. I was very cautious. I want her desperately to come but it should be for the right reasons. We talked for a couple hours. And made tentative plans for one of us to fly out to see the other soon. No dates, though maybe new years. I told her I have hopes, but no expectations.

She volunteered that she very recently ended the affair. I told her I thought that was good, but that in the end I’ve never been worried about the A. I told her the OM did not threaten me at all. I really couldn’t give a rat’s a$$ about him and never spend a minute of time on him. This is true.

We chatted for another 30 minutes and said good night.

2 hours later she called. She said she was feeling incredibly guilty and didn’t want to fly out to see me due to guilt alone. I told her this was fine. I don’t want the guilt. I told her I thought the feeling of guilt was in some sense good, as her behavior over the last few months was bad. However I told her I didn’t want her to feel guilty. I don’t need it and it doesn’t help her. I told her I wanted to see her, that I miss and love her, but that she needs to decide what she wants. Does she still want those things we used to dream of? If so, we should meet up. If not, we shouldn’t

So this is all good. I really have gotten a life. I feel 400% stronger than 3 months ago. I’m on a path to a happy life and while it wasn’t the one I picked, it is mine and it is real.

I’m in no hurry. We’ll see where this goes.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hey Parts,

Glad to see that you are doing well. Merry Christmas.

Pretty interesting to see the effect removing all pressure has on them huh?

[NotFromThesePart]

Indeed!

It is one of those things that are easier done than said. I was pretty desperate for a long time. I attribute it to my specific circumstances. We all think our sitch is unique, but mine really was. Once I came home, good things started to happen and I gained a lot of strength.

J3B is right. Do anything you can to take the pressure off. It is good for everyone.

[Pensacolabroken]

NFTP,

Merry Christmas dude.

I am still at home with wife. We are in MC. I am doing all the heavy lifting I feel, but I am improving myself. She hasn't dived fully it but she also hasnt left. Strange Detente we are in. I would proceed like you are. You are strong and you are in control. Live your life.

PB

[NotFromThesePart]

Thanks. I've been meaning to keep in touch with your sitch, but I've been so busy, and the need to get away from this site for a while that I lost track.

As long as the MC is helping you, go for it. I was hoping for my W to dive right in, but it doesn't seem to work that way. Getting a life helps and for me the easiest way was to go back to where my root are. I have to admit I'm dreaming/thinking about moving back to where she is, but if I ever do, it will be for me.

As for the Detente, my only advice is to keep things a little bit unpredictable. My W knows of all the events and changes in my life. She is interested, but I don't come right out and tell her things unless she asks.

Good luck and to everyone here, Merry Christmas.

[NotFromThesePart]

A short update.

W decided not to come and visit which was fine. We had one longe conversation about the R and I ended up telling her that she was making a lot of mistakes by shutting everyone that loved her out of here life. It got heated, and was perhaps a mistake, but a couple days later she told me she thought there was some validity to what I'd said, and rather than come see me she would visit family. While not what I wanted, I consider it a positive outcome.

We didn't talk for a couple weeks then today she emailed me about her job. She is worried. I'm not sure if her worries are founded, but she is worried.

Later in the day she called. I told her I was worried about my job too, which is true and that I'm going to try to sell my house. She told me I should move down there. She also joked that we should run off to Nicaragua. These are good signs, but nothing more.

Truth be told I want to move back to her state. I find myself missing the sun and my old haunts. I've been dating a lot and I try to visualize myself with my dates in my house there. I can see it. So while I want my W back, I also want to be home, with or without her.

I take it as a good sign that she suggest I move back. I want to tell her "yes, I can't wait to be back there", but something keeps me from it. I still want her to say, "I want to try again". Perhaps this is too much to ask. Perhaps her telling me, repeatedly, that she misses me and wants me to move there is the best she can do.

Regardless this is a 6-10 month project. I have to sell a house here before I can even think of it.