V1olin's new life without wife #2

[flowmom]

The main barrier was the abrubtness of it all. For 18 years I have had a very deep sense of love for this woman. I told her I would always love her and I meant it.

Me too violin. I truly get that. I married for life and was totally unprepared for it to end even though there were M problems.

Honestly, I think DB kept me from moving on when I should have.

That is a tricky one. I was lucky to have people like CityGirl posting to me early on giving me honest feedback that my STBXH was done...she was right.

Do I ever need to detach to the point that I don't care about other men spending time with my kids? I hate that.

Things shift when you truly accept the divorce. If you start your thoughts with "given that we are divorced...", it changes how you see things.

When I was dating another guy early on, I kind of foolishly went to stay at his bed and breakfast with my kids. They didn't witness anything other than platonic interactions and there was an excuse of having mutual friends. My children loved the whole experience. Weirdly, when we were having breakfast and the guy was in the kitchen nearby, out of the blue S7 started talking about how I could marry a new man, etc. Things didn't work out with that guy (and that was the only time that my children met him), but I found the whole thing very interesting. It made me realize that at some level my children are open to attaching to new adults and that my children may understand subconsciously that me being partnered increases my well-being and therefore theirs. I can relate to this because I remember consciously accepting my stepfather at age 5 on the basis that it was good for my mother to have him.

What is my point? My point is that our children can love and receive love from many people. In general, the more trustworthy adults my children have in their lives, the better off they are. Initially, I was freaked by the idea of my children spending time with stbxh's possible girlfriends. But eventually I have realized that

1. stbxh won't expose his children willy nilly to just anybody, any more than I would

2. my children enjoy having other adults in their lives

3. my children would hugely benefit from either of their parents feeling nourished by a loving relationship. single parenting sucks in a lot of ways IME...having someone to share the highs and lows has huge indirect benefits to the kids.

So in theory I am open to the idea of stbxh sharing his life with someone new and my children being involved in that. I know, it's just theoretical and I know that it's very likely that I will have major emotional reactions.

Part of my openness is my own conviction that OF COURSE I wouldn't expose my children to a guy unless it was serious and in my judgement a good choice for them. I'm giving credit to my stbxh for having a similar though process.

[soleil]

The main barrier was the abrubtness of it all.

I think this is universal all across the board for the LBS. You just never imagine that it will end up the way it does. One goes into M thinking it's a permanent relationship and whenyou see your partner walk away so easily, it does quite a number on you. And that is an understatement.

Honestly, I think DB kept me from moving on when I should have...

I could see that. Sometimes it's better to just let go instead of trying to fight the inevitable. But .. if we don't try, we never know, right?

[/quote] Do I ever need to detach to the point that I don't care about other men spending time with my kids? I hate that.[/quote]

Those are your children so you, as a father, will always feel a deep protectiveness for them and want the best for them. I think you will always care and be wary of any new man in their life. Papa bear, and all that.

[v1olin]

Exactly right soleil, I do not regret trying at all. But I do think I saw hope when there really was none. I was already divorced and I still held onto hope.

[v1olin]

It has been a busy week with Thanksgiving and my D8's birthday(now D9!) but I made it through just fine. I got the holiday plans squared away with XW with just one or two text messages.

I took D9 out on the town last night for her birthday to see A Christmas Carol at the theatre. It was the opening night for this play and she had a great time. After the the play ended we had hor d'oeuvres and champaigne, well, she had sparkling grape juice. She said it was her best birthday ever!

When I took her back home my little D3 wanted me to come inside so that I could see her. I have to say, I was looking super good and smelling even better when my XW saw me for the first time in 3 weeks. I talked to my D3 for about 5 minutes and kissed her goodbye then left the house.

I still feel sad sometimes. I feel at ease most of the time and thoughts about my XW do not change my mood. Today I am just feeling empty though. No energy to date, no energy to work, like there is something looming over me but I don't know what it is. Does anyone else ever feel that?

[newmama]

Today I am just feeling empty though. No energy to date, no energy to work, like there is something looming over me but I don't know what it is. Does anyone else ever feel that?

VERY FREQUENTLY!

How are you violin? Did you move forums?

[v1olin]

Hi newmama! I am doing ok. Xw and I are still not talking much because that is how I want it to be. Interestingly though, she has attempted to lean.on me a couple times...issues at d8's school, xw lost her garage door opener, asked me where i was moving in the summer, and a couple others.

I got a really cool new phone too and I am writing this post on it! This year is also the firdt year in a long time that I have bought all my Christmas gifts without using using any credit cards! P.S. I keep up on all the boards;)

[newmama]

well they say we use the boards until we don't "need" them anymore, so you must be doing well! Isn't it SO FREEING to be able to not use credit cards for Christmas? Bravo!