Thank you everybody for your feedback and comments. I expect that the contact is ongoing - my wife has told me that she resents me telling her who she can have contact with and that the problem is my jealousy and insecurity.
My wife did ask me if it was okay if she could accept his initial FB friend request and I said yes - at the time I didn't see an issue and wanted to be fair and reasonable. But a few weeks later when I questioned her about what was going on as they seemed to be in contact every day was when she told me she was working through the reasons of her breakup with him 17 years previously as it had hurt so much and continued to upset her all these years later.
I did try to set boundaries - I told her in the circumstances I did not see that further contact was acceptable, particularly when I found out that he had told her he still loved her and kept on pestering her to meet up face to face.
When she ignored me (and just tried to hide the ongoing contact better) I threatened to move out and told her she was placing me in an untenable position. She told me that my response was unreasonable - that I am a bad person for threatening to abandon her and our children.
Does anybody know where I can get a copy of DB in Australia? I could obviously use some advice on the effective setting of boundaries because when i try to now my wife has a way of spinning it so that I am the unreasonable controlling husband and she is a victim. It would also help if I read the book before getting one-on-one advice
In the past I have never considered myself to be controlling - my wife has had European vacations by herself each of the last 3 years while i have looked after the kids and I have always supported her catching up with friends and pursuing other interests so that she is not always at home.
On setting Boundaries: There is a thread here in newcomers started by Coach on boundaries...great place to start
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
I expect that the contact is ongoing - my wife has told me that she resents me telling her who she can have contact with and that the problem is my jealousy and insecurity.
You know that is complete rubbish. This isn't about jealousy and insecurity. It's about the fact that she is having an EA with someone and sees nothing wrong with it so she is deflecting to try to make you out to be the bad guy. You are not wrong for telling her you won't be in a M where shei s actively involved with someone else. And I have no doubt they are still in contact, btw. She doesn't seem to "get" that you won't tolerate it so you need to be FIRM on your boundary, VJ.
As for the book, could you see if your local library has it? You could check it out on amazon, too. And if you Google it, you may be able to find excerpts from the book.
Oh and last but not least, DO NOT move out of your home. Don't threaten her that you are moving out either. Don't mention it again but stay in your home. There is absolutely NO reason for you to leave. You are not doing anything wrong, dear.
Tell her to end it, if not then there will be consequences.
When she ignored me (and just tried to hide the ongoing contact better) I threatened to move out and told her she was placing me in an untenable position. She told me that my response was unreasonable - that I am a bad person for threatening to abandon her and our children.
Tell her that you won't live in an open marriage, that she's damaging the marriage with her behaviour, and that if your boundaries are crossed, she'll need to move out. Help her pack...
Don't believe everything your W says. Mine said alot during our separation. She is in her own world.
Don't leave the house. You need to set a boundary between W and OM. Then if W crosses it, help her move out and/or go filr for divorce/separation.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
I think the #1 topic for WAW's to give fight is "You've invaded my privacy.....and we're just friends". Isn't it crazy how she can turn the truth around and have you doubting it? That is her "out" for now....making you the bad guy in the M.
You cannot afford to be passive with her behavior and lack of disrespect. Contacting this OM, especially after he stated his feelings, is total disrespect toward her H. This must be your first boundary.
It's all about respect and attraction. She has lost respect for you aNd she is no longer attracted to you. So,what can you do to change that? What can you do immediately?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well I have spent the last week giving her space and doing my own thing - did a bike ride on Sunday, going out for a work function tonight and a play on Thursday.
In terms of boundaries - my difficulty is in knowing how to set them. There is no way my wife would move out if it meant that she was not with the kids and she knows that I do not have arrangements in place to look after my youngest. It is very difficult to enforce a boundary after you set it if your partner realises that your threats have no teeth - no likelihood of follow through.
Sandi - I totally agree - "It's all about respect and attraction. She has lost respect for you and she is no longer attracted to you. So,what can you do to change that? What can you do immediately?"
And what is the answer - what can I do to change that? What should be my immediate actions apart from GAL? At the moment i am mainly working on shifting my attitude so that is not so apparent how much i am hurting - no more chasing around after her like a puppy dog, no more shows of affection wghen i get little in return, being pleasant and conversational but not going out of my way to chase after her.
Any other thoughts would be most welcome - have ordered DB but will have to wait for a while for it to arrive in Australia
Finding high school sweethearts on facebook seems to be a reoccuring nightmare here on this forum. Another tool they use is classmates.com. Had I never given my (now ex) wife her laptop several years ago I would still be married I think.
In my case her sweetheart and soulmate also told her he was going to marry her and then ditched her at graduation and college because he knocked up some other girl and had to marry her.
That was back in 1974. 1974!!! 36 years ago! And this dirtbag is still married and has five kids and lives four states over.
For the life of me I just dont get it. We give our lives to these women and they throw us away at the prospect of rekindling an immature flame so old it comes packed in mothballs. What the hell is wrong with these people?
Her own EA went on for a long time. And I never really found out about it until after my divorce. You OTOH have a chance to stop this affair. I hope you succeed.
And as others have said, do not believe the hurtfull things she tells you. She will rewrite your history together to justify her nonsense and her cheating. Most if not all of it may not be true at all.
Oh and for the love of God do NOT move out. That would be the worst thing to do. Stand your ground. Let her know you will fight for the marriage and that her affair is unacceptable to you and disrepectful.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
And what is the answer - what can I do to change that? What should be my immediate actions apart from GAL? At the moment i am mainly working on shifting my attitude so that is not so apparent how much i am hurting - no more chasing around after her like a puppy dog, no more shows of affection wghen i get little in return, being pleasant and conversational but not going out of my way to chase after her.
Short on time this morning, but you have stated good things in your quote. Regarding showing respect.....I believe a man needs to call his W out whenever she talks down to him or treats him anyway that shows disrespect. It has to be constant, b/c she's actually gotten into a bad habit of this behavior of disrespect. Do not reward her for bad behavior. Rewards come in many different ways, so think about that.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
And what is the answer - what can I do to change that? What should be my immediate actions apart from GAL? At the moment i am mainly working on shifting my attitude so that is not so apparent how much i am hurting - no more chasing around after her like a puppy dog, no more shows of affection wghen i get little in return, being pleasant and conversational but not going out of my way to chase after her.
Hey, VJ.
The answer to that, IMO, is enforcing firm boundaries. If she knows she doesn't have to respect your boundaries, she will continue to walk all over you. The EA must end or your M doesn't have 2 legs to stand on. That is a fact.
