It's nearly impossible to combat infidleity AND maintain her LIKING you QS.. The person that locks the liquor cabinet on the alcoholic is ALWAYS the bad guy who is "way too controlling" etc... It's a position you can't win...
You just have to say something like "Everything I am doing I am doing out of respect for you and our marriage.. I will NOT allow some creep to violate our marriage and I will do EVERYTHIGN I CAN to ensure we maintain civil respect for one another.. I DO NOT DESERVE to be disrespected in this way... we were married for TEN YEARS and even in divorce civilized RESPECT is IMPORTANT... I will NOT allow him to disrespect our ten years together"
The key thing is, you KNOW this guy's a dirt bag... what kind of creep presses someone in secret for sex like this when she's clearly angry with YOU and living with YOU?
If she WANTED to live else where she WOULD wouldn't she? Seriously...
I wanted to circle back to this, and tie in something from my own sitch and my archives of something that I originally posted to someone else.
Mine was a little different -- more about the "DECEIT" than the "DISRESPECT," but it's not far off, and it goes to the point of honing in on a hard boundary, and one that might have to -- for now -- be a SUB-boundary underneath the main umbrealla "I will not live in an open marriage" one:
Boundaries/”Start with the DECEIT”
I would start with the DECEIT.
Once it became apparent in my sitch that my wife wasn't going to end her affair, despite confrontation, exposure to her parents, siblings, our adult children and her employer, I decided that I couldn't stop her. But I was DAMNED sure going to stop tolerating the DECEIT. She was lying to her own parents (whom I love and respect, very much, and who have been like PARENTS to me throughout our marriage), and to our adult daughters.
So my BIG boundary was this:
"I will no longer tolerate your deceit. I will no longer stand idly by while you have an affair with a boy half your age, and then not only LIE to your parents and our children about it, but you make wild accusations about ME, that I'm 'crazy' and paranoid. Well, that's over. You either tell them the truth, or I will, and I will show them the evidence that I have. You have exactly five minutes to decide."
And I was dead serious.
btw, my smaller boundaries were:
-- no calling or texting OM from inside of our marital home;
-- no calling or texting OM in front of our kids, regardless of where you are;
-- I will no longer allow our family's finances to be spend enabling your affair; you will have to get your own cellphone, and pay for your tummy tuck Visa payments, lingerie, haircoloring and what-not.
-- If you plan on coming home after 1am, don't bother coming home.
In your case, since you're living apart, I would start with the DECEIT boundary. It's incredibly disrespectful, and there's no reason why you have to stand there and be lied to, continually.
I dunno, maybe you can draw something from it, QS.
I think FB may initially make you feel good for letting the so called world see her dirty laundry BUT I think once that initial good feeling passes you will feel pretty crappy. When we hurt we want to lash out and let everyone know what crap the othter person is pulling or their responsibility in the situation,in the end she is gonna just write you off as the crazy spouse. She will go around telling everyone "See I told you". Leave FB out of it. I see people do it all the time on FB and it is very unattractive. The most important thing is to keep your dignity here in the end whatever it may be. You will be proud that you did not lower yourself. What happens in the dark comes to the light... eventually, be patient and when it does she will look like the fool not you.
M37 H30 D1 S18 (previous relationship) M 1yr Bomb 6/25/10
I keep reminding myself I am strong even if I don't feel it. I know from my past this is true. I might just get a tattoo to remind me.
I agree with the others about the FB issue. You MUST maintain dignity and respect. There's a difference between exposure and lashing out. Lashing out or any other action that comes from the hurt place is just a form of manipulation - trying to make the WAS behave. We cannot make them. It has to be their choice to come back. Women do this with crying, men tend to do it with anger. Exposure is a thought out plan, to make the WAS accountable. Lashing out is just wanting to hurt them for hurting you.
I am having a hard time making the call to her mom. I have the contact info up on my phone, but I can't seem to make the call.
She has texted this guy TWICE this morning already. After last night and then this morning, it is SNOWBALLING again, and going to ultimately lead to a physical affair.
I am not sure how her mom is going to react. I don't know if she is on my side at all.
I guess I am afraid I will push her to him faster. She tends to do things in the heat of the moment because she can be so determined. She may leave this weekend and go see him.
As far as exposing him, I have to actually call his CO. What the hell do I say? Your guy is pursuing my wife but they haven't had sex yet?
I guess I just need the courage to go through this all again. And I guess I won't do Facebook.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Well I talked to her mom again. She is utterly disappointed that she is doing this. But she also said that she doesn't see a way to stop her. Her mom now even thinks the marriage has absolutely no hope.
I am so reluctant to contact this guy's CO. I mean that will blow up into a huge mess.
Looking for a little support here in doing this. This guy could go off the hook literally. You'd have to see what he wrote to her last night. And what she wrote back about thinking it was "hot" how he "scared me off".
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
I've been reading this the whole time but have not said much.
You already have a huge mess. You have little or nothing to lose. Pretty much all you have left to lose is your fear. Much if what you are saying seems to still be informed by that fear. Let it go. Do what is right. It is easier to type it to you than to live it.
No one succeeds while the fear controls them.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
It's already a huge mess. Your wife is leaving you, and cheating on you in the meantime, having live sex chats IN YOUR OWN HOME, on an internet line that YOU PAY FOR. Can it really get any worse?
Do you want to go to your deathbed with regrets, that you didn't do everything possible to fight for your marriage? That you avoided the tough things, that might be . . . "messy"???
Well I talked to her mom again. She is utterly disappointed that she is doing this. But she also said that she doesn't see a way to stop her. Her mom now even thinks the marriage has absolutely no hope.
I am so reluctant to contact this guy's CO. I mean that will blow up into a huge mess.
Looking for a little support here in doing this. This guy could go off the hook literally. You'd have to see what he wrote to her last night. And what she wrote back about thinking it was "hot" how he "scared me off".
Its your life this fool messed with. He should learn his lesson. I just noticed the wife thought it was hot the other guy scared you off. Thats really phouced up... She's going against you in every way.
