Here is my follow on thread to assist me as I flop and twitch through life's endeavors.
Previous thread here.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2941664&page=3
Hey, I think I have been ghosted, sort of. After two days, nothing. Odd, as we were starting to walk the dogs together daily.. We we smiling, laughing etc. No sign of anything.
I am only trying to figure out the mindset here, not go after her.
If she met someone else, quite possible, or she needs space, did I upset her, why not just say it?
Being tested?
Only she knows, but you all have vast experience here, and letting me grasp how this is playing out is only helpful.
Or am I reading too much into it? Regardless, its always good to be educated on how peoples minds work
Where to start……
So you reached out 2 days ago and she never responded?
So you never set the fun date as suggested?
You never went for the kiss?
So yes she could have met someone else though doubtful. She could have decided she doesn’t need another friend. You could have done something to make her decide you are not BF material.
Mach I’m going to be honest with you. You are all over the board. You are not ready to date and you are half a$$ing it anyways.
IMO you should be working on making friends, finding hobbies and self improvement.
What happened to the other two girls you were talking too?
LH, thanks for being straight up.
I have no one here, per say I can be frank with. My friends, are in the same neighborhood she lives in, and I really dont want to be frank with them. Gossip etc
So you reached out 2 days ago and she never responded? Correct
So you never set the fun date as suggested? Correct
You never went for the kiss? Correct, as far as full on lips etc
So yes she could have met someone else though doubtful. She could have decided she doesn’t need another friend. You could have done something to make her decide you are not BF material.
Mach I’m going to be honest with you. You are all over the board. You are not ready to date and you are half a$$ing it anyways. Half Arsing the dating with her? Okay
IMO you should be working on making friends, finding hobbies and self improvement. SLowly working it. Been doing more with friends, mostly darts and minor stuff. Grand kids take up allot of time.
What happened to the other two girls you were talking too? One girl I see on weekends, but I am not sure I want to be more than friends, and she works 5/10's during the week. Other girl is out of town, only seen her twice. Lots of potential there. Busy life, like myself..
I am getting ready to leave for 4 to 6 weeks, then a follow on 4 weeks away from here. So, LH, I am a little impatient sometimes.
When I was in the service I had to deal with not being confined to a spot for very long. And even back then, which is similar to now, when I met someone, I was a little faster paced than person I met.
So there you go with self improvement. Patience.
One date per week. If she doesn’t at least kiss you on the lips by date 2 she’s not interested and move on.
LH, Roger that.
One bit of self improvement is communication skils.
I need to really sharpen thes skills.
Mach40,
Here's my $0.02...
You're here now asking for advice on what happened, a post-mortem so to speak, yet you were getting plenty of advice in real time which you kind of ignored, brushed off, or had the attitude you were going at your own pace and knew what you were doing.
Go back and read your last two threads over the last 2.5 months since you met neighbor lady. People recommended: don't spend too much time together initially, don't over pursue, set fun dates, escalate the physical aspect, and stay out of the friend zone...etc.
You were in her house to make dinner and drink two bottles of wine and didn't pursue to the opportunity which means either she wasn't feeling it or you weren't acting confident and gave off friend vibes.
Now you're thinking about her and how she ghosted you and lamenting the loss of a relationship when you two hadn't even kissed (peck on the cheek doesn't count). Instead, fill up your time meeting new friends and new activities. "Darts and minor stuff" doesn't sound too significant. Grand kid time is great, but not exactly getting you out there.
IMO let neighbor lady go for the present. When you come back in 2-3 months if your paths cross then flirt a bit and ask her out on a date with clear intentions to be romantic, not friends.
Saw a meme today, something to the effect of:
men think they are competing with the top 10% of men for a woman's affection. But in reality, they are competing against the peace she feels when she's alone.
In other words - you have to be a better option for her than being alone. Sometimes that is a tall order. It may even be why I'm taking so long to get back to dating. Aside from sex (which is important!) a man has to bring enough to the table to be worth the irritations he will likely bring into my life lol.
Saw a meme today, something to the effect of:
men think they are competing with the top 10% of men for a woman's affection. But in reality, they are competing against the peace she feels when she's alone.
In other words - you have to be a better option for her than being alone. Sometimes that is a tall order. It may even be why I'm taking so long to get back to dating. Aside from sex (which is important!) a man has to bring enough to the table to be worth the irritations he will likely bring into my life lol.
Now this is 10000% accurate.
In other words - you have to be a better option for her than being alone. Sometimes that is a tall order. It may even be why I'm taking so long to get back to dating. Aside from sex (which is important!) a man has to bring enough to the table to be worth the irritations he will likely bring into my life lol.
This is very true on both sides. It will be interesting to see what happens when the sexbots are mastered.
Saw a meme today, something to the effect of:
men think they are competing with the top 10% of men for a woman's affection. But in reality, they are competing against the peace she feels when she's alone.
In other words - you have to be a better option for her than being alone. Sometimes that is a tall order. It may even be why I'm taking so long to get back to dating. Aside from sex (which is important!) a man has to bring enough to the table to be worth the irritations he will likely bring into my life lol.
Now this is 10000% accurate.
This is very true on both sides. It will be interesting to see what happens when the sexbots are mastered.
So women won't need men and men won't need women and we'll all sit at home alone with our sexbots...sounds like a great future we're building for humanity. Can't wait.
I do think we have relationships issues that could be reduced if we had different upbringings.
So many thing wrong with our society...
But, I have issues, and will get a different IC..
One I have now is not working out..
Everyone here hits me hard, but, I need it.. Thnx.
Saw a meme today, something to the effect of:
men think they are competing with the top 10% of men for a woman's affection. But in reality, they are competing against the peace she feels when she's alone.
In other words - you have to be a better option for her than being alone. Sometimes that is a tall order. It may even be why I'm taking so long to get back to dating.
First of all, LOVE the meme. YES! YES! YES!
Aside from sex (which is important!)
Not that important, lol
a man has to bring enough to the table to be worth the irritations he will likely bring into my life lol.
the sex better be smoking hot to offset irritations he will likely bring into my life, otherwise, my peace of mind is so much more important.
Saw a meme today, something to the effect of:
men think they are competing with the top 10% of men for a woman's affection. But in reality, they are competing against the peace she feels when she's alone.
In other words - you have to be a better option for her than being alone. Sometimes that is a tall order. It may even be why I'm taking so long to get back to dating. Aside from sex (which is important!) a man has to bring enough to the table to be worth the irritations he will likely bring into my life lol.
Now this is 10000% accurate.
This is very true on both sides. It will be interesting to see what happens when the sexbots are mastered.
So women won't need men and men won't need women and we'll all sit at home alone with our sexbots...sounds like a great future we're building for humanity. Can't wait.
I think women already have sec bots in nightstand drawer…..
Now if I could find a bot that will fix everything going wrong in my house……
Until then, I still need a man for when a YouTube video doesn’t cut it !!!
In other words - you have to be a better option for her than being alone. Sometimes that is a tall order. It may even be why I'm taking so long to get back to dating. Aside from sex (which is important!) a man has to bring enough to the table to be worth the irritations he will likely bring into my life lol.
This is very true on both sides.
Already stated but this is a huge one for many guys as well, myself included. Just had a very fun 4-day weekend with a longtime FWB who not only lives like a thousand miles away but just across the boarder into Andrew land as well. We always have great fun and get along very well. But I have to confess, it was nice to have my house and life back again too. Totally made me wonder if anyone could top that. Or if my goal of living together/apart is still not the best alternative for me.
Well, She invited me over for drinks this weekend. She apologized about not keeping contact with me. as she said her past two weeks with work have been extremely crappy.
I think women already have sec bots in nightstand drawer…
Forget the Gritty stuffy. I'm getting you one of those with a Flyers logo on it LOL
Now if I could find a bot that will fix everything going wrong in my house…
Until then, I still need a man for when a YouTube video doesn’t cut it !!!
Not sure they're all that far off...
Well, She invited me over for drinks this weekend. She apologized about not keeping contact with me. as she said her past two weeks with work have been extremely crappy.
There you go, Mach40. Let her come to you. Now be flirty and go in for the kiss...and don't friend zone yourself.
Well, She invited me over for drinks this weekend.
Right move would have been "sorry I have plans but would love to some other time."
She apologized about not keeping contact with me. as she said her past two weeks with work have been extremely crappy.
Ah yeah it's tough to take 2 minutes to respond. You have a flip flopper which is fun (insert eyeroll). Make Saturday count.
Well, She invited me over for drinks this weekend.
Right move would have been "sorry I have plans but would love to some other time."
She apologized about not keeping contact with me. as she said her past two weeks with work have been extremely crappy.
Ah yeah it's tough to take 2 minutes to respond. You have a flip flopper which is fun (insert eyeroll). Make Saturday count.
Right move for you, maybe.. For me, I am going over and trying to have a good time..YOLO.
Response time? Bit harsh, but I get where you are coming from.
Sometimes I really question whether you understand my posts lol.
Sometimes I really question whether you understand my posts lol.
I do, In person things would be easier, I am sure.
Maybe one day we can all get together..
I will be in Pensacola, Florida, for 6 weeks starting next week
My above post about being in Florida is if anyone is there, give me a shout out..
So Mach let me try to explain better.
You texted this woman who you have been casually seeing for I don't know months? She can't text you back for days and you are going to run right over there.
You are always asking for advice.
Why are you making her a priority when you are not a priority of hers?
So Mach let me try to explain better.
You texted this woman who you have been casually seeing for I don't know months? She can't text you back for days and you are going to run right over there.
You are always asking for advice.
Why are you making her a priority when you are not a priority of hers?
I met her casually via walking the dogs, and have been over to her house for New Years and one other night after that..
Rest of the time has been via walking dogs, talking, you know discovery of each other.. Should I have expected her to double down and have sex with me the following week after NYE, and dinner? She was sick too, but I know that means nothing due to your job not having issue with sick people, but mine and hers are critical to being healthy. But, you roll your eyes to that like its a nothing burger.
Whatever..
Look, I ask for advice because I am asking. Is that bad. Its advice, simple. Some of it is harsh and from experience, and some, well, I need to see if it works for me.. And I appreciate it.
The real issue is meeting people you enjoy being around. The more I experience that after being holed for a few years, the better. If I shut down every opportunity, then I shut down a possibility.
She and I will probably never amount to more than what it is. I dont care. I leave Tuesday, will be back for a couple months. She may be with another man. Its called life, and I will deal with it, with advice from people here and elsewhere.
I am at least getting my feet wet.
I met her casually via walking the dogs, and have been over to her house for New Years and one other night after that..
Rest of the time has been via walking dogs, talking, you know discovery of each other..
I'm getting confused here. For one you kinda seem to be all over the place - not just with this woman but in general. But specifically to this woman, I get it can be hard to remember every specific detail, but you just claimed you've only been out twice. I thought, "that's odd, I thought for sure you've been with her, including at her house, more than twice." And why would I think that, well, because it's what you've posted here yourself.
Yes, we had a date Saturday. [January 7] Simple dinner, had a good time. Tonight. [January 9] I went to her house, killed two bottles of wine. Lots of discovery.
So that's three dates right there - and that was a month ago! Then on January 11, just a few days after this third time together, you stated:
So is there a poll going as to when I will do something with this lady?
When she or I initiate anything, well, that's when it will happen. But, I am pretty sure this weekend will be good, as we are doing dinner at her house, and an old movie.
In that post you were referring to either the 4th meeting or the 3rd date (depending on how these things are being termed. That's when LH Asked:
How did last night go? Did you steal a smooch?
To which you answered "Yes I did.. We had some Port wine , probably helped.
Tonight, dinner at her place with friends.."
We later learned the kiss was a peck on the cheek as you were leaving. However, that's at least 4 dates, plus the dinner with friends that ended up being just a dinner for 2 because the friends had to back out. I'd call that date number 5. But wait, there's more...
Lady and I are doing well.. Going to nice steak house tomorrow, Halls Chop house..
By my count, based on your posts, that would be at least date number 6. Or am I missing something? So why would you be saying the quote posted at the very top claiming met on NYE and only one night after that? In an effort not to make this interrogation even longer, you did post nearly two weeks ago that you felt her pulling away and that you were "going to back off and see how she responds."
All I'm saying is something is not adding up. Maybe you feel the same and are trying to down play it all to avoid scrutiny, but 6 "dates" without a kiss is landing you firmly in the friend zone. That may be why she has pulled back and could well be thinking "I don't think he's into me. We've gone out a half dozen times and he's not even tried to kiss me." Women looking to date will say this exact line to their friends. Women looking for a buddy will not. If you do give this another shot, it may be your last chance to show her you are interested in more than a platonic buddy.
But my main goal in all of this, and with most of my posts, is to deal in reality. You may be gearing up for date #7, not #2 or #3. That's just seems to be the truth of the situation based on your own posts. No, you still do not have to be having sex with her but by this point most all women would expect at least a real kiss.
I say all of this to try to help you.
NYE isn't a date is it? I am thinking dates are nights with her alone, not with other company.
So, this should be technically 4th time.
And she contacted me to go over this weekend, Sat.
Does that make more sense?
So we shall see if I am a friend or more.
I am all over the place, and I need to focus more.
I do believe I will put into friend category. Just a gut.
This was/is my first dip in the dating seriously pool in quite some time..
If none of my posts are jiving, we can disregard them.. Not to be Mr Negative, but I am/have been dealing some issues in life, its not an excuse, but it is what it is.
Don did a nice job of laying it out Mach and we are just trying to help. For future reference don’t do group dates until your a couple because I think it makes things even more confusing for you.
Think you might have screwed the pooch on this one but see where you stand Saturday because quite frankly you have nothing to lose at this point.
Thnx to both of you. Yeah, I think I fornicated the canine for sure. Just feeling it.. Gut instincts before and during separation were spot on.. Just didnt know how to move forward.
After reading the book , 3%, for example. I am made mistakes. Not sure if they are 100% percent correct, but, I will have learned..
I have to start moving forward more positively. Learn from mistakes and dont do it again..
Mach so you read 3% man. What did you learn from it? Did you implement any of that with your neighbor?
Mach so you read 3% man. What did you learn from it? Did you implement any of that with your neighbor?
Talk to much, reducing her interest. Be an alpha male, dont make it easy for her to be with you. Make her want to be with you, a fantasy like the romance novels, bit of mystery...for example.
If I had read this book a couple to three times before meeting her, and writing, as well as highlighting guidance, I think I would have been better off..
I have always known women are emotional and men are not.. Playing up to the emotion is key
I dont always grasp everything in the first read..
He is an arrogant person, but I get what he is saying so far.
I didnt implement it, no. Lesson learned.
I was being rushed in my mind. See, I was supposed to have left the first/second week of January for the jobs we are now moving on.. So, my mind was in a rush.
Sounds silly, but this is how I dated allot during my years in the Navy. Its how things were, as we were not home much..
Not to be Mr Negative, but I am/have been dealing some issues in life, its not an excuse, but it is what it is.
What issues are you referring to here? The whole D situation, or something else?
Good luck tonight. Don't let all this discussion get into your head...just be light/flirty/fun and romantic (not friendly)...go in for a real kiss.
Not to be Mr Negative, but I am/have been dealing some issues in life, its not an excuse, but it is what it is.
What issues are you referring to here? The whole D situation, or something else?
Good luck tonight. Don't let all this discussion get into your head...just be light/flirty/fun and romantic (not friendly)...go in for a real kiss.
Divorce hasnt affected me like I was expecting. I saw her the other day here, as she came over to get my daughter for dinner ( youngest gets 1 day off a week, and she alternates time with each of us). I felt numb, not a bit of pain.
Meidcal issues I have are memory loss frequently that we are trying to run to ground. I had some little head injuries in the service, Docs have been running a battery of tests for a few months.
And another issue which is more personal, but, we have a solution to fix it...
Thnx BL42. I will be flirty, and just have fun.. If it doesnt feel right and I am not getting feedback, well, it is what it is..
If there is a problem, and she needs to tell me, hope she does. Dont want to this to be dragged out.
I often try to put myself in the situation. That’s good in empathetic ways but can be bad because it assumes that my feelings and history is like the other persons, which it well may not. But combining my history with my knowledge these thoughts come to mind as to why you’ve not escalated during the last 6 weeks and 6 or 7 “dates”
1. You’re not ready for more
2. You’re not feeling it or not attracted to her
3. You’re sensing she’s not attracted or feeling it for you
4. You don’t want to take the risk of being rejected
Or it may be all or portions of the above. But there has to be a reason you tell us you are interested but have gone this far in the friend zone. You must know why.
I can just tell you at times I’ve felt one or more of the above. For me most often it’s #2. I can tell you that when I am and when I initiate more it generally works out - if even just for a short time. I’ve freely admitted I’m more picky than I may deserve to be but you’d be surprised at the reactions you’ll get if you put yourself out there. It’s biological as much as anything. Flirting makes women (and most men) feel good. Anyone that wants to go out 7 times with you within a month is likely interested to at least some level. If she wasn’t she would not keep inviting you out. But look at this from her view, she thinks she’s putting clear signals out there yet she’s getting little response from you. What is she left to think? What would you think if she had taken your face in her hands and given you even a couple second kiss? What would you have come back here and told us? How excited would you have been? It’s the same for her and can be the opposite when it doesn’t happen.
It’s time to take a little risk. As LH said you you’ve got nothing to lose at this point. It’s nearly impossible she’s going to respond with “we’ve only been out 7 times how dare you try to kiss me.” The worst is she will say, “I’m sorry I’m just not seeing you that way,” or something like that. But at least you’ll know. Any woman who thinks the 7th or 8th time together is too soon for a kiss… well while I’m sure some might exist, I know I’d not want to date them and I’m not a third date rule guy by any means.
Okay, I think I’ve made my point. I know I’ve tried. Get your head back in the game for tonight.
Mach40,
How'd it go Saturday night?
Sorry so late getting back to everyone. Friday we were given notice to leave to go to Florida for a 6 week job, so, after Saturday I have been going and going as it was a rush job.. I only had one break, and I hit Mardi Gras. Well Saturday, as today is Mardi Gras/Fat Tuesday.
So, Saturday went well. No sex, no kissing, just came to a solid understanding of what the heck is going on..
I will try to sum this up, give a back ground first. She was married, physically abusive husband. Then moved away to my area of operations, and dated someone who was abusive too. WTH guys, why? Anyways, that was a couple months or so before New Years. She moved from the area she was for a few years over to my neighborhood. Nicer and such.
So, she is not looking for someone now. But, she said she really wants to spend time with me, enjoys having me over to her place, drinking wine and such, just wants to slow it down... I am like, hmm.. Orange flag. Not quite red..
So, I know what most will say here, and bail on her and just keep in touch..
But, I am not always a rule follower all the time. I do take advice and analyze it..
There are a few things I really find refreshing with this woman. Family, Italian family values, smart, great career, independent, goal oriented, and pretty good looking to boot. So, she has a few skeletons in her closet. Dont we all..
And Mardi Gras, interesting and fun..
so to be clear, she's fresh out of two abusive relationships?
This woman is clearly not ready for a relationship which she says.
Should you continue? Well, if you want to be just friends and not have any expectations of anything more , then be a friend. If you are hoping for something romantic? I would honestly step away. You’ll be left with unbent expectations.
If she said to you nothing will ever happen romantically, but she wants to continue as you are, platonically, would you want to ?
Why does someone get into two abusive relationships in a row? Probably because they grew up in a household where abuse was normalized and they don't have the normal radar to avoid those guys. (Look, I suppose it could happen to anyone once, but twice implies some issues).
And this sometimes means that a normal relationship without drama is not attractive to them. She probably has issues she should be working through with therapy. Probably best for you to just stay in the friend zone and focus your dating efforts elsewhere. Don't try to be the white knight.
40 you're going to do what you want regardless of what anyone says, and that's absolutely your right and prerogative. Super G and K have made some excellent points for you to factor in as you're making a decision.
I was talking to a friend this morning who cited an article which states that people should refrain from dating for 18 months post D.
Read the board. Specifically this forum will give you good insight into what happens when people rush from D to a new relationship.
What caught my attention and what I would want clarification on is how much time elapsed between her ending her abusive marriage and starting up dating the abusive BF, and again how much time elapsed between her ending that, moving to your neighborhood and starting the dating dance with you. The answers will give you some more information upon which to base your decisions.
Yeah, anyone our age who hasn't been in a cryogenic freeze for 30 years has baggage. The point is, are we talking carry on, or full blown check in and waayyyyyy over the legal weight limit so the plane's gonna go down on take off.
I'm in no way saying she's responsible for being abused. I am saying she's the common denominator in both those relationships. Re-read K's post above.
She's not the only fish in the sea. She's telling you she's not ready for a relationship, which is insightful on her part. Pay attention to that. Pay very very close attention to that. Re-read G's post above.
Go on your long business trip; keep all your options - and your eyes - wide open, is my best advice.
so to be clear, she's fresh out of two abusive relationships?
Yes..
This woman is clearly not ready for a relationship which she says.
Should you continue? Well, if you want to be just friends and not have any expectations of anything more , then be a friend. If you are hoping for something romantic? I would honestly step away. You’ll be left with unbent expectations.
If she said to you nothing will ever happen romantically, but she wants to continue as you are, platonically, would you want to ?
I think being her neighbor and someone to hang out with is fine. We both have similar interests, and to just shut that down would be not cool.
So, I will take it as a friend and just deal with the fact she is not ready, and told me, but likes to hang out with me.
I will not stop looking for other women, but to be honest, I am not ready and I definitely see it now.
I have a few guy friends, very few as I am never here to really do things with people. My family always has a priority as it should, when home.
40 you're going to do what you want regardless of what anyone says, and that's absolutely your right and prerogative. Super G and K have made some excellent points for you to factor in as you're making a decision.
I was talking to a friend this morning who cited an article which states that people should refrain from dating for 18 months post D.
Read the board. Specifically this forum will give you good insight into what happens when people rush from D to a new relationship.
What caught my attention and what I would want clarification on is how much time elapsed between her ending her abusive marriage and starting up dating the abusive BF, and again how much time elapsed between her ending that, moving to your neighborhood and starting the dating dance with you. The answers will give you some more information upon which to base your decisions.
Yeah, anyone our age who hasn't been in a cryogenic freeze for 30 years has baggage. The point is, are we talking carry on, or full blown check in and waayyyyyy over the legal weight limit so the plane's gonna go down on take off.
I'm in no way saying she's responsible for being abused. I am saying she's the common denominator in both those relationships. Re-read K's post above.
She's not the only fish in the sea. She's telling you she's not ready for a relationship, which is insightful on her part. Pay attention to that. Pay very very close attention to that. Re-read G's post above.
Go on your long business trip; keep all your options - and your eyes - wide open, is my best advice.
Hey, I truly do read and take notes..
I know she left the marriage a little over 4 years ago. So, with her state Divorce was within 6 months due to circumstance. Police reports, etc, I imagine the Judge did it quick..
Second relationship was to be honest, about 2 years after. Hard to honestly nail it down. I know little of it.
It may have been a rebound gone bad. I can not tell you specifics.
Moving to my neighborhood was due to better , bigger home, location. Not to get away from the guy. Its not very far away.
Her telling me is great. She is being honest. Cant ask for much more.
When I left for this travel job, we had some drinks the night before I left, had a good time, just talking about stuff in general.. Running out of stuff to talk about, lol.
But, she did say, she really enjoyed time together. And not sure why, but did say she renewed her lease on the house.
On a side note, I need to reiterate, I am person that for many years was always in a rush to meet and move with a women. That is due to the Navy and travel. Never had the luxury of being settled in one area for long at all.. So, I am a shaker and a mover. Thats one reason I excelled at Recruiting and other similar jobs in the Navy.
Here is something I need to ask. Since she told me she is not ready, being honest, yet wants to hang out is that strictly going to be a friendship. She damn well knows what mine were.
that is a question for you to ask her, otherwise it's merely speculation on our part.
Okay, so… like with all or at least most of the situations here all we have to go on is the written word that is reported here by half the people involved. We are not there to see body language. We are not able to see responses or interactions. So it’s anywhere from a gut reaction to an educated guess for us.
First and foremost I think you need to pay attention to what she does and not just what she says. I see a woman wanting to spend time with you and enjoying when she does. Yet she’s afraid to risk anything more. I honestly think that’s a lot of it. Of course this could be her reaction to you not being sure and not pursuing her.
I think I yelled at my ipad when I read “she wants to take things slow” OMG, take things slow? How much slower can you two go. You’ve been dancing around safe dating, what, near 10 times over 8 weeks? No kisses, no hand holding, no snuggling. How much slower can you go without being stopped?
So just pay attention to what she does. I think many in the above 40 age range are broken anyhow but I see signs of it with her. It looks like others do as well. If it were me I’d totally drop all expectation and not pursuit at all. If you just moved out of state that may take care of itself. Something is just odd about this whole sitch. Of course that’s the sum of both people involved. Her actions could be as much about reactions to you. But saying she wants to go any slower than the non-existent pace tells me she’s either not interested and afraid to tell you that or thinks she could be interested and is afraid to tell you that. Either way I don’t think she’s being fully honest about how she really feels. Of course this too means she’s not ready to date - which she has admitted to. I’d believe that from her.
Thanks Don. Dont yell at the iPad, it is just a tool..
The only other thing she beside going slow was " Have patience with me".
After two crappy relationships. Physical Abuse is just wrong, and cant be easily let go..
I will pay attention to what she does.
If she wants to be frank with me, she should. I think she and I have pretty much hashed that out just in basic conversation.
If she isnt interested in me, she has a strange way of telling to me to go away. She should just do it , if that is the case.. She either wants to be a friend or nothing at all is my take. But, it needs to be spoken straight up. Spending time with the opposite sex is maybe something she really likes to fell more a woman, alive etc, that her girlfriends dont give her. Little Selfish at my expense? Pure speculation.
Now, I will say, women sometimes dont get their message across to where a man truly understand it.. We may not be able to read minds, but we do get/understand pointed questions and answers.
I need to be frank when I get back and just ask straight up, friends? Or am I something you want to keep around for future use? Being funny with that last one.
I don't feel qualified to offer anyone relationship advice. But there are plenty of women out there looking and eager for a long term relationship. I think that you should try to find one of those women and keep looking until you. When a woman is incredibly enthusiastic about seeing you, it's amazing. I don't think you should settle for anything less. Also, if you want to meet women, just start talking to as many women as you can in real life. Some will be interested. Chase the interested ones. I wasted a lot of time not following the foregoing advice.
Mach40,
So, Saturday went well. No sex, no kissing, just came to a solid understanding of what the heck is going on..
Should you continue? Well, if you want to be just friends and not have any expectations of anything more , then be a friend. If you are hoping for something romantic? I would honestly step away. You’ll be left with unbent expectations.
What went well about it? I guess it depends on your expectations and hopes. Be completely honest with yourself and decide are you happy being friends or do you want more?
She was married, physically abusive husband. Then moved away to my area of operations, and dated someone who was abusive too. WTH guys, why?
so to be clear, she's fresh out of two abusive relationships?
Yes..
I obviously don't know this woman at all, and have no way to tell whether she was abused by her ExH or not. What I do know for a fact is you're only getting one side of the story. And what I've learned through my own situation and reading hundreds on this site is that the it's incredibly common for the WAS to exaggerate and outright lie about their Ex to justify the D and gain sympathy with the next person. Even going so far in some cases as false police reports. Therefore I've become a bit skeptical with those stories. If she was abused that's absolutely awful and there is no excuse for it. But keep in mind there's her side of the story, his side, and the actual truth. Just know you're only hearing one version - don't necessarily take it as gospel and don't let that sympathy you feel lead you to be her white knight and fix her. Maybe I'm biased and jaded due to my own sitch, so take it for what it is.
Why does someone get into two abusive relationships in a row? Probably because they grew up in a household where abuse was normalized and they don't have the normal radar to avoid those guys. (Look, I suppose it could happen to anyone once, but twice implies some issues).
And this sometimes means that a normal relationship without drama is not attractive to them. She probably has issues she should be working through with therapy. Probably best for you to just stay in the friend zone and focus your dating efforts elsewhere. Don't try to be the white knight.
Good advice from kml.
So, she is not looking for someone now. But, she said she really wants to spend time with me, enjoys having me over to her place, drinking wine and such, just wants to slow it down... I am like, hmm.. Orange flag. Not quite red..
I think I yelled at my ipad when I read “she wants to take things slow” OMG, take things slow? How much slower can you two go. You’ve been dancing around safe dating, what, near 10 times over 8 weeks? No kisses, no hand holding, no snuggling. How much slower can you go without being stopped?
I'm with DonH here....slow it down? Not sure it could go slower.
So, I know what most will say here, and bail on her and just keep in touch..
I think being her neighbor and someone to hang out with is fine. We both have similar interests, and to just shut that down would be not cool.
So Mach40, when you use the phrase "bail on her" and say "to just shut that down would be not cool"...it comes across to me as if you feel some attachment or obligation to her. You're not in a relationship. You've never kissed romantically. There's nothing wrong with saying you don't want to be just friends.
Honestly? I think it's good you're away for work for a good period of time. It'll create space. Curious...will the two of you be in touch in the meantime via phone?
There are a few things I really find refreshing with this woman. Family, Italian family values, smart, great career, independent, goal oriented, and pretty good looking to boot.
So, I will take it as a friend and just deal with the fact she is not ready, and told me, but likes to hang out with me.
It sounds to me like you're still thinking of her as a potentially romantic partner/LTR, and do have expectations, and are hoping the friends thing will develop into something more. Only you can know that for sure, but be honest with yourself.
I will not stop looking for other women, but to be honest, I am not ready and I definitely see it now.
Three questions:
1) Why do you think you're not ready? What specifically makes you think that?
2) If you're not ready, why would you continue looking for other women?
3) If she did want something romantic now would you all of a sudden be ready?
I have a few guy friends, very few as I am never here to really do things with people.
I personally think if you're really not ready to date you should focus on meeting and hanging out with other guys, not spending your time being friends with a woman you had hoped would be more.
Hey BL42,
Thanks for all that. One thing quickly, I read the news article when he was arrested and what he had done on one incident.. Threw a chair at her, and choked her.. That was the news article from the court hearings..Just one incident. So, I tend to believe what she said.
Three questions:
1) Why do you think you're not ready? What specifically makes you think that?
I feel I was moving to fast, and since there is a bit of rejection, it gave me a taste of something I am not ready to deal with. Sure it wasnt a full on relationship and we broke up, but it let me know, since she isnt ready and she stated that, I took it as rejection.. Did not like it. Thats why.
2) If you're not ready, why would you continue looking for other women?
I am looking just to look, as it is good for me. Not going to shut down and sit inside.
Like Spiral said, I may find someone that wants to go after me, and that would make me feel good too, boost my spirits in regards to relationship. Does that make sense?
3) If she did want something romantic now would you all of a sudden be ready?
Good question.. If she started pursuing me and not be as guarded, yes. But, we just seem to click when around each other.. Hard to explain.. Maybe the part about clicking around each other is something she notices too. Maybe, just speculating, she is analyzing. She is very intelligent and has had 2 bad past relationships.
Mach, if you don’t understand her message, why don’t you ask her the direct and clear question? Is that not your responsibility if you feel as if you are getting mixed signal ?
“Just to clarify, friendship is all your are interested in pursuing ?”
Ask the hard question, Mach
Mach, if you don’t understand her message, why don’t you ask her the direct and clear question? Is that not your responsibility if you feel as if you are getting mixed signal ?
“Just to clarify, friendship is all your are interested in pursuing ?”
Ask the hard question, Mach
Thnx Ginger. I will be asking her that face to face, as it will show how she responds...
I need to be frank when I get back and just ask straight up, friends? Or am I something you want to keep around for future use? Being funny with that last one.
Mach, if you don’t understand her message, why don’t you ask her the direct and clear question? Is that not your responsibility if you feel as if you are getting mixed signal ?
“Just to clarify, friendship is all your are interested in pursuing ?”
Ask the hard question, Mach
Thnx Ginger. I will be asking her that face to face, as it will show how she responds...
I disagree. Don't explicitly ask. Her actions and words have already communicated her interest (as friends). No need to "have a conversation" about it when you get back. When did talking it out and getting clarification ever work? Instead, start acting accordingly. If you give her space and get interested in other things and people she might just rethink what she wants and come back to you. Sounds a lot like DBing, no?
I was just sticking to him feeling she needs to say exactly what she means. It’s not on her if you didn’t understand. I thought she sounded clear. But if you want a yes or no answer, you need to ask the yes or no questions.
Quite personally, Mach, it’s pretty simple. She’s a woman recently out of 2 physically abusive relationships. What are you expecting from her ?
I was just sticking to him feeling she needs to say exactly what she means. It’s not on her if you didn’t understand. I thought she sounded clear. But if you want a yes or no answer, you need to ask the yes or no questions.
Quite personally, Mach, it’s pretty simple. She’s a woman recently out of 2 physically abusive relationships. What are you expecting from her ?
Thats a good question.
I was expecting her to see something different, and want to be more than friends. I really thought we hit it off initially.
I always wonder what a woman wants. I think many women will say what others want to hear, as they may be afraid to say what they really want, which can be against the norm.. But I digress.
See the show 1923 when Alexandria runs off with Spencer? It was not what everyone, in her society of people, expected. She decided to live for herself.. It was epic.
I need to be frank when I get back and just ask straight up, friends? Or am I something you want to keep around for future use? Being funny with that last one.
Mach, if you don’t understand her message, why don’t you ask her the direct and clear question? Is that not your responsibility if you feel as if you are getting mixed signal ?
“Just to clarify, friendship is all your are interested in pursuing ?”
Ask the hard question, Mach
Thnx Ginger. I will be asking her that face to face, as it will show how she responds...
I disagree. Don't explicitly ask. Her actions and words have already communicated her interest (as friends). No need to "have a conversation" about it when you get back. When did talking it out and getting clarification ever work? Instead, start acting accordingly. If you give her space and get interested in other things and people she might just rethink what she wants and come back to you. Sounds a lot like DBing, no?
Dont pursue, let her come after you, if she sees she let something go. DBing.. Yep.
Sounds like patience in poker... Dont show your cards, and be patient.
Moving on, taking everyones advice. So, here I am in a foreign country, Florida, lol. I meet a woman. Super nice, but after 2 weeks, I find out she is separated, for a little over 2 years now. WTH.
At our age, i get it, many are married, separated etc and may be looking, may not be looking.
But, what am I doing to attract everyone who are Not ready. Funny thing too, they all, the last few women I can remember is with a minimum Masters degree.
Do I need to just put a sign on my head, looking for unattached single females ready to date, lol.
What kind of separated is she? Did they decide on legal separation instead of divorce? (Sometimes people have religious or financial reasons for doing so.)
Is she in the process of divorcing but it is just taking a while? (My fairly simple and fairly non-adversarial divorce still took almost a year and a half because WASs hate paperwork and need time to come to accept financial realities).
I'd say it matters a whole lot if the answer is A or B.
She is getting divorced, and was filed legally through the state, end of last year, after being separated for 2 years. One year longer than required for state.
State said 12 to 14 months for final divorce from Judge, due to financial issues, assets etc run to ground, needing looked at.
Some states are crazy long, compared to mine.. Mine was simple, uncontested, no kids to deal with support etc.