However, you and I both need to get to the place where it is not hurtful. One of my best friends keeps saying to me, "Who CARES what he's doing? Who cares if he's happy? So what? All that matters is that YOU be happy." True words, but so hard to follow.

Yes that is true nicola. But we will always care, that is just us. That is what is good about us - we care. Your friend should have asked "why do we react; why does it affect us in such a negative way?"

As ford points out, if we see the other person for who they really are, and not through the LBS foggy lense, then we can feel correctly. If someone I don't know too well does me wrong, that crosses a boundary, and I react as needed. Why should I feel or act any differently towards my xW? Likewise, treat me well and I will treat you likewise. This too applies to xW.

It is so easy for me to confuse detachment with ignoring or no contact or not caring. I do care and most likely always will. But I refuse to apologize for her actions any longer. She acts the way she wants to b/c she has free will. I will try to empathize with her b/c she is also going through a rough time and I had a role in this, but she is ultimately responsible for her actions and I will treat her behavior accordingly.

But I will pick and choose my responses; 90% of what she says or does should not affect me at all b/c it will be about her - not me. I will then just shake it off and smile.

If I treat her any other way I will lose whatever respect she has for me. And I will not respect myself.


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