From farfromhome

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A couple of basic things to remember. Firstly, don't believe anything they say, for example your H saying he is actively looking for someone else - they will say things because of there own confusion and it doesnt mean it is true, believe me with your history you are not easy to replace (LOL).

Secondly be prepared for some hurtful things, your H is confused, angry, upset, etc - H will say things that refelct these stages and I am sorry but all of this will be your fault in his mind and in his words.

Thirdly, for the most part this is not about you anymore, it is all about them. Your H has to work through whatever he has to work through and it will be on his timetable. I am sorry, it hurts, its not fair but that is the timetable you are on. There is very little that you can do for him that will 'change' his mind.

So what do you do. For me it was start working on myself, doing little things that made me happy. Remember there is nothing worong with feeling grief, pain or anger through all of this, it is very normal - but try to do this in private away from your husband.

Things that I found that helped me included:

Having pre-arranged escapes for when arguements were coming up or cheeseless tunnels were approaching (basically I would break away from the conversation). When we were talking my wife would actively try to drag me into arguements to make me seem like the bad guy to her and thus justify her decision in her mind, allaying her guilt. In the end I just refused to go where I knew fights were going to follow.

Do something to make yourself feel good - I went out and bought a whole bunch of new cloths and would also make myself get out of my place to mix with people (often didnt feel like it but I would force myself and found I enjoyed it when I got there).

I got right into going to the gym again. When I felt down I would go to the gym for a good workout and the physical excercise really helped me. The Gym might not be for you but it could be whatever you want it to be.

Do something physically to demeonstrate change (eg hairstyle, cloths, etc) This really does register even though they wont say anything about it.

Get a life and dont be completely accessible. If your H is going out then you make sure you are going out and don't tell him where (even if it is only over to a friends place for a movie or something). Believe me they don't like the thought that you may have a life and are getting ready to move on.

Don't do the pleading, begging, etc part - it just reinforces to them why they left.

Make your changes but don't keep telling him about them. They will see them, they won't acknowledge them, but believe me they see them.

Don't talk to them about the R, it is poisoness groud, even if they bring it up at the beginning it will end in a fight. Also as you have found out dont ask a question that you know your not going to like the answer for. Believe me if you ask the question, at this point you will get a reply you dont want (particularly if part of an unwanted R discussion).

Be as patient as you can. Accept that you will backslide and make mistakes - everyone on this board has. Dont beat yourself up over them just learn from them and try to avoid that situation again in the future.

There are no guarentees in any of this. There were far better dbers on this board then me and they didnt get the outcome they were after. But I have seen a lot of sitchs like mine that were 'impossible' and have come through. In the end I knew I was going to be happy even if my M didnt fix up because I was looking after myself and making myself happy.

You have some good positives and are in a good position to db. Remember:

1. No R talk
2. Get a life
3. Have a bit mystry (doesnt mean dating or anything)
4. Look for some physical activity to help work through the frustrations
5. Dont let them drag you into THEIR drama - have your escape routes ready for when those situations arise
6. Work on your 180s
7. Note what works and what doesnt - keep doing those that work and avoid those that dont
8. Mostly this is about THEM and not about YOU

Remember in the end you have chose to try to save your marriage, this is very noble but has some hard work attached. Keep going, work on you and I wish you the outcome that you desire.

Andrew


JJ

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