From Soup


Don't send your H Michele's books. Consider them your little secret. You're right, he won't read them anyway.

I guess I would feel better about using the DB techniques if we were closer & he could actually see the changes.

This suggests that your purpose for using DB is so that he can see your changes. Which is indirectly correct. But also wrong. Let me explain.

The premise behind DBing is that we work on ourselves since none of us can control other people. The only person we can control is ourself. So Michele tells us to work on ourselves. She also suggests that 'perhaps' our spouses will see those changes and rethink their decision to leave the R. BUT, she also tells us to make changes (to ourselves) if it makes us comfortable and happier. The emphasis is on making ourselves happy.

So how does your H see those changes you are making for yourself? There is no easy answer to this. But it can happen....

--- he can hear about your changes from mutual friends. "Gee, Anne sure is looking great these days. She sure has become her old self again."
--- he can detect changes in your emails. By your tone. He looks for validation of his feelings in your emails.
--- how you sound on the telephone... especially when he initiates the calls and knows that you haven't anticipated his calls.... he's looking for the everyday Anne. Importantly, he's listening whether or not you are listening to him. He needs to know that he can talk openly and unconditionally. He's looking for you to validate his feelings.

So important to make the most of every little opportunity Anne. ;\)



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