Well All , First, sorry for the length of this. I have a lot to figure out.
I feared writing here, since I wondered if I'd jinx things up by doing so. If you followed my sitch, you know that 18 months ago, my Hmlc went off to do a fellowship, for yet another medical credential, and did so without my consent. He had interviewed/applied and decided WITHOUT my knowledge or input and so I was deeply hurt and he knew it. Left anyhow. I began the DB work one year ago.
H acted as if he HAD to do it. Never said he was "leaving" as in the M, just "going back to school up the road" (300 miles away). And all of this was to enable him to pursue a job in Alaska, the one place I did not want to return to. He denied that at the time, but it was true. So he now lives 3000 miles away. He pursued that job without my knowing it and accepted employment there, and let me guess what was happening once it happened. There was a lot of deceit involved, denial of doing anything wrong--H felt if he wanted something career wise, it Must be good and therefore I should support it......So you know, My H is an MD and that is his 2nd career and I've been with him through the whole deal, first career, med school, residency, blah blah blah. M Over 25 years with 3 kids, s20 in college, d17 and d9. We've accomplished a lot. Both have professional degrees, great kids...he was earning plenty of money before he went up there last summer btw and this has cost us a fortune in lost income since he took huge pay cuts (temporarily he says). It'll take awhile for us to catch up financially even if he Does make a gazillion dollars up there, eventually, as he hopes and believes he will. And he probably will. And since his money numbers are likely true, he seems to think it justifies the choices made.
Looking back, I see mistakes made on both sides. As much as he wanted the fellowship, I feared it was really about returning to Alaska, and that was true as it turns out. That hurt b/c I could not understand why he didn't just take it off the table once he knew I didn't want to live there. Would have been easy for me to do. In fact, I did that for him with other places.... But, I took his desire to return there as an example of how little I meant to him and now I can see it had very little to do with me. And H does love our children. It is still beyond me how he could be willing to miss so much of their limited time with us (we have a d17 whose last 2 years at home will have been spent without H here...???). But I also took his long hours, which were sometimes volunteered for extra money, as a screwy priority system and an example of him choosing career/money over family,etc. and then when he would come home, I would have my arms crossed, emotionally. I wish I'd made a home environment happy enough that only an idiot would choose working over coming home. It would have not made a total diff since H is a workaholic, but it would have been more loving and maybe more successful than what I did do. God knows, tactically I was stupid. I feared complimenting him too much b/c I actually thought H would then take advantage more, and would work even more if I put up with his horrible hours and complimented him at home, instead of complaining to let him know we wanted more of him....brillliant, huh?? Still, I made All my career choices with my family in mind first, especially since H didn't. Yet maybe he say my hours at home as a reason for him to work more, due to my lost income and I saw his longer hours as more of a reason for me to stay home with the kids....resentments grew, snide remarks cutting into our hearts...Yes, I would do things differently...but I can't go back in time.
Anyway, since his fellowship boards took place in early September, it is as if he just noticed he was alone up there. He no longer had "a goal" or objective to pursue just in front of him. He must have looked around and said, "where is everybody?" He calls daily and tells me/us he misses us, needs us with him there (sometimes, less often, he talks of being together here) and generally says things I need to hear. Talks of what a great team we are, how our lives and future will be so great and that finally he has a job that won't eat up all his time, yet will provide financial security.
To sum up, he wants back into the M as if he never left it, but with the obvious condition that I join him after d17 graduates, or somehow we continue in this "commuter" M where we visit often but keep the main home here in southern california.....he really truly just wants me and d9 to join him, and he admits that. But he's willing to have something less, but I don't know what.
Here are my options: Weirdly, I was offered a very very good job up there, which I would not be offered anywhere else due to the shallow talent pool up there (I'm referring to the legal profession and my credentials/experience) and the relatively good pay. WTH?? H couldn't have caused it, although I am positive he was thrilled and must have expressed support of the idea once he heard I'd be a candidate...So, that's very UNexpected and complicating....
I could go up there and give it a try. might love the job, H might be the "best H he can be" using his words....d9 Might adjust, at least in some time, and be alright there until at least she's a bit older (the older the kids get, the harder the move and the worse the schools seem up there, to me). d17 will be starting college and MIGHT be alright leaving the nest, as I too leave it, taking her little sister with me. They are very close. The reality is that moving up there will cause upheaval in both d's lives, and mine. It only serves H's purposes, on its' face. But then, doesn't having an intact M do something good for d9? The girls and I have gotten our own rhythym here, and are coping pretty well. I can actually say we are pretty happy...but even that will change next fall when d17 goes off to college so even if I stay put, changes are coming.
It's that time of life when transitions of magnitude happen to all of us. Children get old enough to leave, but are young enough to still need us, we hope...Siblings part ways and learn to live apart, and yet try to stay close. I've seen my d17 visit her older brother, s20 in NYC and come back refreshed and happy....I am close to my sisters and we live 2500 miles apart....it can happen.
I dislike how I've been put into a position where my choices boil down to joining H up there, Mainly b/c of HOW we got to this point....his unilateral choices, secretly made, etc. I dislike having to hurt someone I love no matter what I do, all b/c of choices H made. IF I go up there, my d's are split up geographically even worse than otherwise, and there is huge upheaval in d9's life as well as mine. there are some legal ramifications too, but I think I can fix those. IF I do NOT go there, I can only assume H will either come down here and resent me, act spoiled and angry, which will lead to the final end of our M, or we keep on doing this weird type of semi-M where we see each other monthly, with maybe 8 weeks together per year, total....seems like that would end in D too.....I think....
No matter what, I know something now that I did not know 18 months ago. I believe I can be happy without a man at all, and certainly without H in my life. It's sad if we end b/c we could have had such a good thing later in life, b/c we had great passion and were a great team and H says that all the time. H wants "me" and no one else, etc..."great future", etc.
But as I look at him now, I see him differently. He is not a bad man and he is very smart, educated and interested in many subjects and not at all threatened by my own intelligence....but he is also selfish and at times, very oblivious to how his actions affect others.....which I think means he lacks empathy, or self awareness or something , some characteristic that I think I really value...so, where does that leave me? I do love him. But at times, I wonder if I'll ever feel the same about someone who'd risk losing our M and his only children's R's with him, for a job. I know, he does NOT think he did that. But he knows deep down, he missed a LOT of their years here, and he is dimly aware (maybe more but I can't tell) that he should have been there more for them, and for him...
I would never have done this to him or our children, for any amount of money. But as Was2sad said once, maybe this was something H "had to do" for reasons I will never understand. I get that, or I get that I won't get it....
H turned 50 last month and it was a big deal for him. I surprised him by flying up and he was really moved....I felt sorry for him being so alone up there, (although God knows I am glad he IS alone) and just couldn't see missing his 50th which I knew was traumatic for him. Unfortunately H may have interpreted this gesture to mean I want to live there....but at least it was a loving thing I did and it wasn't due to being manipulated by him, it was my choice....
In some ways nothing has changed externally, yet I am posting here. I guess it's cause H's tune has changed a lot and he is saying things I need to hear. Like he said he knows He can be a better H and wants to be....and says he kows he has "a lot of crow to eat and wants the chance to eat it" HIS words, not mine....but then when we are together, it only takes a few days before he gets bossy or critical and has a Hard time just hanging out and relaxing....always was that way though.
I have said "love is a choice" a million times. Yet I feel reluctant to make that choice right now. It scares me. What if H sees another job somewhere else, or gets itchy feet again, or has money fears again and hides things from me that have huge impacts on my life? I cannot endure one more single deception or manipulation again, I think.
And I have met other men, and have NOT had affairs. But I know they are out there and many of them have been hurt and are not jerks and I could be happy with one of them, and get to stay in a beautiful area of the country with weather that makes me happy....would that be so wrong of me to want? must I choose to stay M to a man who costs me so much emotionally and even physically, since living there will require AD's and a special light, extra working out, etc. to deal with the darkness.....to demand so much of me after so many years of that--his Medical career is sooo time consuming and labor intensive, I cannot imagine re-marrying a doctor again but of course, when we married he was not a med student, but a veterinary student and I thought our life would be so different. So did he.
What to do and how to do it? I still have forgiveness work, which I do realize. But more than that, I need clarity. And a plan. At least forgiveness Is a plan and I can do it regardless of my other choices. I don't want to be and won't be a bitter wife or bitter ex-wife, so I have to let go of all this.
But what is the Moral thing to do? Hurt my d's again, for H and the M? End the M? That hurts them too. What is the least painful choice to make? Isn't that the way we figure out what the right thing to do is? Does anyone have an answer?
I welcome input, big time. And yes, I see a pro-M counselor and have had sessions with the Db coach. They have been great but also seem to see me at a cross roads, and believe it or not, neither has told me to go on up there....nor have they said file for a D. I think they both wish that H would choose us, and then ironically, I probably would have little problem with choosing to join him, and give it a chance up there. Just so hard to do knowing that 1) H wouldn't do that for me and that hurts me deeply and affects how I feel about our M and him, and 2), it's hard to live up there in the winter and the winter is long.... I need sun light, period.
When we are together, we have fun and our intimacy is good as long as I stay in the moment, and or remind him gently when he gets to irritable/bossy or controlling. After all, we've done fine without him here, b/c of HIS chioces. It's hard for him to charge in and think he can start ordering us around. But I hear some of the things he says, politically, or professionally, that sound foreign and or self serving to me....I see Him sometimes, like he is a stranger to me....not so kind, not so smooth, not so right....
What is this???? Why am I so confused when I thought I knew what I wanted for so long????
Christ, I wish once in my life a moral question would get a really clear answer, like with lightning or letters in the sky...etc. Then I'd do it, if I just knew what the right thing to do is......and since my pro-M mc is a Christian I've already gone over the biblical quotes so please don't tell me to just submit and follow my H, despite the deceit and the departure....it wasn't Christ like of him obviously. I am also a mother raising daughters (and a son) who need to know, as do I, the difference between pride and self-respect, which blurs often....the diff between punishing someone, and enforcing a well set boundary....
input welcome, Help... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016