From farfromhome

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I was pretty close to the brink, well about a week away from it and got to the stage we we had been to court three times, had only talked 4 times in 4 months and hadnt seen each other for 14 months. We are now back together and working through things.

In the end you cannot stop the Divorce if that is what she really wants. I just said this is your you want it I wont stop it but Im not going to help in anyway. We then got bogged down in property settlement issues (that was the 3 court appearances). Through this time I treated the property side as any business arrangement, I wasnt going to give wife stuff in the hope she would come back (this never works by the way). I went completely dark and tried to get a life back. In my case I had completely given up on my marriage which in the end was the thing that made her want to give things antoher go - she realised the finality of it all.

In the end dont freak out, this isnt a good look for you in her eyes. All I can suggest is to concentrate on yourself and detach. I know it is hard it was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. You also have to accept that this is not a 'trick' to get your wife back but is you generally looking at getting on with your life.

My wife and I have talked a lot about what was going on in our minds through the seperation. I was positve through this period that she had written us off, she was not thinking about me and was out having a good time. In fact she was continually thinking about us and working through issues in her mind. Dont believe what they say to you, it is soooo different from what is going on in their minds.

My wife said something to me that was a bit of an eye opener. I did get the ILYBNILWY talk, the trust talk, the change talk ,etc that seem to be a very common thread through most stories on the board. She told me that even through she was saying these things she knew inside that she still loved me, missed me and what we had. She was angry so she would deliberately do things to push my buttons to make me get mad thus reinforcing in her mind that she had made the right decision to walk away. One big word of advice - Never get into an arguement with the WAS about what they have done, never try to change their mind - You will NEVER win - this is something that they have to go through themselves (well in my experience anyway)

I dont think there is any right thing that makes things 'work'. But from what I have seen is the process of detachment, looking after yourself and doing things to make your life good. This does get the WAS thinking and it certainly did in my sitch. In the end for us she made the contact to stop the court case and asked to give it another go and I am very happy that she did.

Andrew


JJ

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