Quote: Okay.. so perhaps somewhere in the archives you can find my many many posts. I am here to tell you it works. This year - after dropping the bomb on me three years ago, my H went out and planned a party for our 20th wedding anniversary! Three years ago, he was thinking about not being married anymore and doing the usual thingy... "I love you but I am not in love with you!" I was a basket case ya da ya da and all the other stuff you read here. I am here to tell you that DBing, along with any other tool kit you need does indeed work! Here's what I want to tell you.
1. It took you a while to get into the mess you're in now. It will take a you a looooong while to get out of it. Patience is an absolute necessity.
2. Check your pride at the door. It CAN be done with only person trying to save the R. I am a testament to that idea. Yeah... now my H is coming around, he even named the OW to my face one evening... a major breakthrough... and no... I didn't throw a left hook either.
3. Make the changes, look after yourself, stop stalking stop focusing on what you think is going on in the spouse's head. Focus on you.
4. Be positive whenever you are around the spouse. Make the changes you need to make. There is nothing like a 180 or two of three to confound someone who thinks you are predictable.
Things will happen. But... be prepared for the long haul. This is not an overnight thing. It does take time. He might move out, but he might come back.
Over and over we hear stories about how the WAS ends up regretting their actions months after. They finally lose their pride and think it's time to come home. And guess what... the spouse has moved on. THINK before deciding to move on. Especially if you have kids. They deserve BOTH parents.
My H drives me crazy sometimes, but I now react in a completely different way because I've learned that most times, it's not about me. Learning to NOT be selfish and self centred is a new way of thinking.
I went to my own pro marriage C who helped me learn some things about myself and my family which had an impact on how I lived our marriage. It wasn't easy to do, but it was a very necessary step. It does take two after all.
I've also learned that I have to be a little more...umm... available? shall we say. (ain't no sex starved marriage in my house) It was more of the usual working mother wife thing... too tired. I took Michele's advice and just started doin it! He'd do it every day twice if I let him, but I believe he's a lot happier and I am enjoying myself too. Yeah sure some days I am bushwhacked and I now tell him. We have a whole new level of communications now. So... although I am still wary about our R and I didn't buy a present or a card or anything for our 20th... I was pleasantly surprised by my H's thoughtfulness with the party he planned. It was a total surprise. We are coming together and we are a couple. We date at least once a week now... usually his ideas.
Every chance I get I am a prophet for marrriage and anti breakup. I did a Toastmaster Speech on the subject and did ruffle a few feathers... but helped some people too. I do some stuff in our church now with critical couples... and I think I'd like to do more.
Michele helped save my marriage along with the other steps I had to take. Every day I take care of my R. NOTHING is ever taken forgranted. If I ever see myself slipping to old ways again, I slap myself on the head and switch gears. Marriages are work. They need care and nurturing. I am only glad I found this out before it was waaaay too late. Take care folks... keep working. It can happen for you too. And above all... it's worth the effort you to do this. IT's worth the pain you feel if you come out ahead If you don't make it this time, you'll still be a better person the next time around.
TREE - aka treesa2
Read about Divorce Busting« Telephone Coaching here!