««This idea came to me while rereading DB. Michele asked someone whose husband had a problem what if the problem went away - "What would you do with all the time you've been spending worrying about him?"
Results need to be measured in baby steps (or "Small Steps," as Michele points out in another forum). -–Mary
««Attitude is everything! If you act like it is over, eventually this will become true. If you act in a positive manner then you have a better chance of success! Think long and hard befor you give up! --Tempest
««In DB, Michele recommends making plans for yourself and encouraging them to do their own thing. Like it or not, he's going to do his own thing anyway so if encouraging it helps-why not?
I forced myself to get up and out of the house by 11am and didn't come back until 6pm and was vague about my whereabouts. He looked shocked when I left in the morning and I know he was wondering what I was up to all day. --Lissa
««First of all, I know you bought some of my material, but have you read the book or listened to the KLA tapes yet? However, let me remind you that these experiences DO NOT DEFINE YOU. You still are the same person you were before all of your discoveries. You are fooling yourself if you think that you are less of a person. I know you feel bad, that's different. Opening your eyes and seeing bad things means that your beliefs about your marriage have to change. That hurts a lot. But sometimes people can turn this around and make their marriages even stronger once they work through all this stuff. I can't predict if that will happen in your case, but I can tell you that you should remember who the real "Faith" is and start acting that way immediately. If you have already read my books, read Breaking the Patterns of Depression by Michael Yapko or Feeling Good by David Burns. --Michele
««The feeling of power that you have when you are in control of your emotions is awesome. There is another benefit from obtaining control over your emotions. When you have related with your partner from a position of self-confidence and emotional strength a few times it reinforces your faith in yourself. The last few times that I have talked to my wife it has felt so good. I know that she is seeing me in a different light.
The rewards of continued work on ourselves will pay in the end, guaranteed! I know this because, after five months it is working for me. And I can’t really say how it happens. For me, it just sort of clicked one day. I was tired of putting energy into things I could do nothing about. I still have to put in time every day to make sure I don't backslide in this area, but the feeling of self-confidence gets stronger as it becomes habitual.
To anyone here who is having a tough time focusing away from your spouse (or partner) and working on improving yourself: please just keep pushing towards your goal. Don’t give up even after a month or two. One day you will find yourself operating from a position of power in your relationship. It will be derived from within yourself and it will feel so good. You will know that your efforts are paying off.
Keep strong, keep working…you’ll reap the rewards, guaranteed! --David
«« Take some time to read other posts on this message board. In the beginning of "bad times" divorce seems like the easy fix. "If I didn't have to deal with you everyday..." or "I can manage a lot better without hassles from you..." I was convinced I would be happier, things would be easier and life just all around better if I was not dealing with HIM every day. I was wrong! -–Marie
««You need to stop reasoning with him verbally. You have become too predictable. He's taking advantage of you, not because he's mean, but because these are the roles the two of you have carved out for yourselves right now. But you can change that. Also, never talk to him about serious stuff after he's been drinking. IT's a big waste of time and can only make matters worse. So, no matter how tempted you are, stop yourself from discussing things unless he's sober. Writing a letter- as suggested- is a good idea too.But basically, your husband has to start missing you to know what he's missing. So stop waiting for him to change, he's having too much fun with his friends- you change. He'll notice. --Michele
««I think that is is a choice (on some level) to be unhappy. If that is true, it is also a choice to be happy. I will (and have) tried to look at my actions real time and say to myself, "Is this a valid reason to be depressed, grummpy, grouchy, or whatever?" So far, the answer has always been no. I've noticed that if I act "as if" I am not moody of grouchy, I shortly am not acting anymore. This is naturally a very sad time in my life, but I can see where the old me (of a few months ago) would have been completely devastated and depressed. I have some down time but for the most part I'm not. I see that the conscious mind can affect moods and feelings. I'm happy with the progress. --Peter
««We have all sacrificed a lot, coming here and opening up to strangers, admitting our faults and trying to deal with them. Most of us here are also working on marriages where we seem to be the only ones to care. Thanks and appreciation is minimal at best from our spouses and we are all simply looking for a sign of hope. I know this can't take the place of your spouse's acceptance, but I would like to congratulate you all. You should be proud of yourselves for becoming better people and having the courage, strength and determination to put your own desires on hold to work for the reconciliation of your marriages. Face your fears, confront them and set yourselves free. --Zyg
[This message has been edited by Tia (edited 05-11-2000).]