Originally Posted by wolfman
Look the therapist asked me a question about the previous session and I was simply answering it to her. I am certainly not going to sit back when someone attacks my character. Maybe that’s something you all do, but I won’t allow it. I made sure I did not raise my voice at all!! I spoke firmly and that was it. When someone is attacking your character you all just validate the lies?? Anyway.

Originally Posted by Dawn
You can validate someone without accepting their lies and LH gave you a perfect example of how to do that, so I won't belabor that point. You say "maybe that's something you all do, but I won't allow it"....as long as you have that attitude, you will continue to NOT make progress with your d because I can pretty much guarantee you that she is as put off by that as I am and I am a complete stranger to you.

Wolf, I get you're struggling with validation and when to deploy it. Validation involves recognizing and acknowledging someone else's feeling and their validity. If you Google, "Wheel of Emotions", you will see a list. Emotions are not logical arguments, so "validate the lies" is a non-sequitor, assuming we're discussing validation as DB and psychologists discuss it. There's a whole thread here on validation. There's also a great video by Brene Brown about Empathy.

Active Listening is another technique you should deploy to build rapport. This involves showing you understand what the other person is saying. "You're saying that your brother gets an oreo cookie every time he plays football, and you don't have an opportunity to play football, so he gets more oreo cookies and that's unfair." Here you actually are restating their logical argument. You are not agreeing (or disagreeing). You are showing that you get what they're saying.

Case #1: Your D - Yes, you should be actively listening and validating your D. It's a shame you didn't learn these techniques before your therapy sessions with her ran out. Life is long, so if you up your game, there's a good chance you'll get another shot down the line. Be ready! Practice these techniques on your friends and loved ones.

Case #2: Your XW - kml and I did not encourage you to validate or actively listen. We encouraged you to stay quiet and let the therapist deal with the crazy. This is in contrast to the right-fighting where neither of you prioritized your D. I get it probably feels unfair that your relationship with D is in a place where you have to be better than your XW.

Case #3: Your GF - kml is a medical professional and pointing out your GF's behavior shows warning signs for a mental health issue with consequences for your newborn. Encourage her to get checked out so she can get better if that's the case.