Great responses and lots to ponder. I appreciate them all very much. More then you will ever know. He’s feared loosing me from day 1. He’s bought the app that changes the phone numbers and texted me from different numbers pretending to be another man and seeing if I would be interested. He did that for the first 2 years. When he began our “friendship” again a year ago all of the other odd number text messages stopped. I have access to his phone and I found all the messages. One thing that sticks out to me that is probably the most is the consistency. He has been consistent for the last year. He is reliable, not drinking, he’s accountable, he is kind, he is thinking clearly, and he has been consistent. I think that’s what I feared the most because it felt like he was getting better and we were becoming “friends”. He’s been pretty great honestly the last 9-12 months. I will say the last 12 weeks he has become a happier person and more of his normal self. I had forgotten just how good that person was til I saw him again. I’ve actually wondered if his crisis ended long before now but he just decided not to come back to me. Even though he was getting better he spoke no words to me about our relationship nor did I. We text constantly and he tells me where he is always and who he is with. He does nothing except work and spend time with us in our home. That’s been the most confusing part of it all!! The consistency has been there for a while but yet the r hasn’t! It’s felt almost normal for the last 9 months. I’ve seen the highs and lows you refer to. When the lows began they were very selfish and hateful, then they were pitty for himself, and now they refer to me finally. Although, he takes accountability, I can’t seem to have him admit much of anything. He can’t really explain it. He claims it’s him but he just doesn’t know how or why. He has such few words. He has vague memories of the last 3 years but then when I ask something he cringes and ducks his head. So he def needs to speak more and spill everything! Ok that means that I have to be willing to listen to it. I shut down when we talk about the past to. I have to be more welcoming to listen. Where can I find the requirements? I need that!! I’m not confused about him wanting to come home, I am confused about letting him come home. I dreamed of this day and it’s what I’ve waited on but now that it’s here, I am scared of it. I’m not worried about him leaving in 2 weeks, I am worried about him leaving in 2 years. I’m detached and I have to choose to work forward, that will take time but I don’t want him to leave again after I get attached again! I don’t want to go through that pain. You all, I’m not sure I can survive that again! I’m starting to wonder if I am going to be able to allow him to return. When I read on here “the old r is dead and gone” I don’t think I realized how true those words really were.
